Published May 31, 2009
“It didn’t hit me until now. I stared at the computer screen for a few blank moments, scanning the page with tears welling up in my eyes, the stinging feeling and lump in my throat never to cease.
Why? Why must she hate me?
All I ever wanted was her acceptance. I wasn’t exactly sure as to why that was, but I was positive it was something that skimmed my mind in sparkly overly-fantasized dreams of friendship and sharing secrets in a crowded bedroom of your typical giggling fest of a sleepover.
The dream was simple and overused in many teenage girls minds. It would be that very day you attended that house party, your makeup making you look like a whole new being. As you step into the room, all eyes are on you. You stroll in with such grace that you glitter within the very scene.
Suddenly, Josh comes over to you, his eyes wide with shock from your dazzling beauty. He sweeps you up from your feet and gazes at you, holding you tight in his muscular arms, his long flipping hair stringing over his bright eyes.
I shook my head as I realized I was daydreaming again, even within the moment of despair. I dared to look at the screen once more, and with that, I shut the computer off with full force, kicking away from my chair and running to my room, the tears fleeing from my eyes down to my cheeks, slowly dampening the skin.
Jumping onto my bed, I let the weeping began.
Margaret is such a freak. I would doubt she’s even human, especially with that face.
I let this replay in my mind over and over, as I wished every second of listening to these words wanting to never exist, curling up into a small ball in the corner of my bed, holding onto my teddy bear.”
I looked up to the classroom and noticed a few saddened faces.
“And that my students is why you should never bully.”
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141,470 Literary Works • 674,492 Reviews
Haha thanks. Well this really was a doodle type of piece, I kinda wrote what came to mind and didn't really edit. However all your advice really helped!
This was meant to be some cliche peice that I typed straight what came out my mind first, so sorta a draft, but If I did make a second, all your advice would make the outcome much better! Your reviews helped tremendously!
A very good starting concept to a story but not enough to quite understand. I can't really identify with this character at all and I'm not entirely sure why she is so depressed. What has been done to her and where does Josh fit into this whole thing? I'm not entirely sure what the teacher telling the story has to do with this entire line up either. If you work a little more on fully developing the ideas and concepts that go into this then it should come out a very well rounded, good, informative piece. Keep writing.
Hey there! June here!
So... I think that this is supposed to be a lesson sort of story, but we're not actually getting the full feel of it. Right now, it's just the girls pain and sadness that we see, and that's not enough to entertain an audience.
What did Margaret do to this character? Why did it hurt this character? We need to know these sort of things so that the aftermath makes sense. As I read, I honestly thought that the girl was crying out of jealousy or hatred. It could be anything. However, if you give us the events that precede this one, then we can relate to the character, share her hatred and feel her pain.
As Prokaryote has mentioned, revenge would be good. It sounds morbid of your audience to want that, but think of this as a real-life situation. People totally seek revenge when they're hurting.
I think that this has potential, but right now, we cannot understand why the character is in pain.
Keep writing!
June
You could probably make this into a story by tacking on the missing 5/6s of it -- namely, the revenge fantasy whereby Margaret exacts her vengeance upon her tormentor. This should preferably culminate in an event in which the bully gets figuratively slapped in the face; perhaps this Josh fellow (the ever-popular jock name) verbally insults her looks and character.
Not that I condone that sort of thing, but revenge will always be fun to read -- pitiful crying girl hugging a teddy bear, not so much.
Prokaryote