All Again For You

“Mr. Masen,” Principal carter started, “I can see that you’re still up to no good.”

“Ok, so look, in my defense, Mr. Charleston wasn’t exactly being what one might call observant. I mean everybody, especially teachers I might add, know that you check your seat before you sit down. It’s common sense. I mean kids these days. They just have no limits; I mean you never know what they could put on your seat. It could be anything from extra hold superglue, to thumbtacks.” I said with a small smirk, quickly winking when I was done.

“And you, being who you are, opted for both?” he said right back.

“Like I said dude, I thought Mr. Charleston would at least be smart enough to look down at his chair before sitting down. So technically, it’s just as much his fault as it is mine.” I shot him another one of my famous mischievous smirks.

“Look Noah,” he started, “I cut you a lot of slack in the beginning, what with everything that was going on, but I can’t continue to condone your behavior.” He said in a stern voice. I felt my fists clench tightly as he brought up the past. I didn’t want to talk about it. I mean honestly, the past is meant to be put in the past. “Now son,” I really hated when people called me that. “I’m not going to sit here and lecture you about respect and responsibilities because we both know you don’t care and it’s a waste of my own time. Most principals would have suspended, if not expelled, you by now but I’m not most principals. Do you know why I haven’t drastically punished you?” He asked in a way that made me wonder if I actually knew the answer. I thought for a moment before I realized that I was actually thinking about something. Instead of going further in my thoughts, I did what I do best. Faked a smile and went to sarcasm.

“Because you love me?” I said, batting my eyelashes and smiling a cheesy smile. He returned with a half-hearted chuckle.

“No, I haven’t yet because you’re drastically punishing yourself. Can’t you see that? Can’t you see that your acting out all of the time is hurting you and the people around you? Noah, I know that your hurt, trust me I do, but it’s not just you. Look at your mother. You know that she’s in pain as well but she holds herself together for you, but when you do this Noah, when you break every rule and do other reckless things, it breaks her.” Oh, so now he had to pull the whole mother card on me. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not so stupid to say that I haven’t been hurting my mother with the way I’ve been acting, but so help me, I didn’t need to hear about it from my principal.

“Look, let’s be honest. You and I both know that I’m going to walk out of your office and go do some other stupid thing that will get me sent right back here. Don’t get me wrong now, I’m listening to what you’re saying to me but your problem is that you think I care. In all honesty, I’m fine. I’m not in pain or anything. I mean I have some minor issues with my mother, but nothing that can’t be worked out. Plus I have my friends, I mean it’s not like I’m alone or anything.” If only that were true, I thought to myself.

“Speaking of friends, why haven’t I seen you and um, uh,” he said, clearly blanking on the name that I couldn’t even say to my self. “Hayden. That’s it. Hayden Pearson. I haven’t seen you two together all year. In the previous years you two were inseparable, attached at the hi-“

“Well, would you look at the time? I’ve got somewhere I need to be. In fact I’m going out to dinner with my mother.” I said, quickly grabbing my backpack from the ground and standing from my seat. I was not talking about, her.

“Um, ok? But Noah, there’s still an hour of school left.” He said, staring at me confusingly.

“Oh, right. Well then I guess I should be getting to my last class.”

I walked out of his office, into the school lobby, and quickly made my exit into the hallway. School was to be over in an hour and the thought of skipping my eighth period psychology class crossed my mind. I decided against it, knowing that if my mom found out that I had skipped another class she might actually kill me. I walked through the hallways slowly; for once actually thinking about what Principal Carter had said to me just a short time ago. He said the one name that actually made me feel some emotion. It was the name that I couldn’t even say to myself without feeling what felt like a burning hole in my chest.

I arrived at the psychology room and grasped the door handle. I quickly put a forced smirk on my face and walked into the room.

“Mr. Masen,” Mr. Charleston said as soon as he saw me make my appearance.

“That’s Noah to you, sweet cheeks!” I shot right back, walking in a slow in and cocky manner down the aisle, as I made my way to my back row seat by the window.

“Well, aren’t I flattered?”

“You should be.” I said, still standing behind my seat.

“Sit down Noah.” He said sternly.

“Oh, I will, but let me check my seat first. I wouldn’t want and unexpected surprise, now would I?” I smirked up at him before taking my seat.

“Ok, class, so toda-“ he was cut off by the opening of the door. He looked at the door at the same time as I did. As soon as I saw who came through the door, I immediately regretted not skipping class.

“Ms. Pearson, schedule change, I’m assuming.”

“Yes, sir,” She said back.

“Hmmm, ok. Well you’re in luck, we have one open seat.” Oh no. Hayden looked around, trying to find where the open seat was. “Right next to Noah,” My eyes were still glued on her. Some emotion came across her face, but I couldn’t quite tell what it was. She continued to stand and stare at me from the front of the room. “Ms. Pearson?”

“What? Oh. Yeah. Ok,” she said back in a detached manner. She walked down the aisle toward me. Fear, regret, guilt, and some other emotion that I didn’t know, or didn’t want to know, filled me. She quickly sat down, without as much as to a glance. She stared straight ahead, her and I both avoiding any type of contact. I didn’t know what to do. I wanted to talk to her, I wanted to tell her how sorry I was and explain why I hadn’t talked to her in almost five months. I wanted my best friend. I wanted my everything.

Hayden and I had been best friends since we were babies, our mothers having been best friends since college. It was only a coincidence that we ended up being next door neighbors. We had grown up together and she knew everything and anything about me, and I, about her. Though some things were embarrassing or very personal, we still told each other no matter what.

When my dad died seven months ago, I didn’t know what to feel. Hayden had been there for every second of everyday, and I don’t know if I could ever tell her how that meant to me, especially now. About two months after my father died, I completely lashed out. I threw things around my room, trying to release my anger. When that didn’t release all the anger in me, well let’s just say what I did next, I would regret for the rest of my life.

My mother had called Hayden while I was destroying my room, knowing that if anyone could calm me down it would be her. I had taken a seat on my bed after punching my mirror, and that’s when I heard a small knock on my door.

The bell rang, pulling me from my thoughts and painful memories. I peered out of the corner of my eye to see Hayden quickly and furiously gather her books. I did the same. I reached to get my last textbook at the same time as she, and felt my arm touch hers. I looked up into her big, hazel eyes and immediately regretted it. It only made the whole in my chest burn even more.

Before I could gather my thoughts, Hayden had already stood up, grabbed her pile of books, and made her way out of the class room. I followed suit, only not so fast. I walked into the now almost empty hallway. I walked slowly, remembering the time when Hayden and I would walk down this same hallway together. I missed that. I missed having her by my side through everything. I missed having her as my best friend and me as hers. I didn’t know if she felt the same way and part of me felt like I never would. Partially because I couldn’t be sure if she would ever talk to me again, though I wouldn’t blame her if she did, and partially because, well, I was too much of a wimp to even say hi to her now. I don’t really know why, I mean I was the one who said all of those awful, hateful things to her, you would think I could at least give her an explanation let alone say hi to her once in a while. But I couldn’t. Not because I didn’t want to but because I knew I had hurt her, I knew that I had hurt the one person who cared about me and who would always be there for me no matter what. I had someone who didn’t push me away and listened to me and trusted me.

And I pushed her away.

And the part that I hated most, aside from the fact that I had lost her, was that I didn’t know why. I thought I did at the time, well more like, I tried to convince myself I knew, but here I am five months later still feeling lost and confused. I know I have no right to fell any type of pity for myself, after all, I had done this, but I do know that no matter what, I am going to talk to Hayden, try to explain to her why I did what I did, even if I didn’t know myself.

I was at my car now, opening the back door to my black, Ford Focus, and dropping my stuff in the backseat. I closed the door and made my way to the driver’s seat. I put the key in the ignition and made my way out of the school parking lot and onto the streets of St. Paul, Minnesota. I didn’t like it here at all. There was nothing exciting or remarkable about it, well at least not in my mind. I mean all there really was that was interesting was the Mall Of America, somewhere that I had always gone with Hayden, and the Minnesota State Fair, which was only during the last 12 days of summer. Other than that, there wasn’t anything that made you want to come to Minnesota. Well, maybe that’s a lie. Northern Minnesota was nothing less than beautiful. I went up there with my family and Hayden and her mom every year. Something told me that this year would be different. Not only because of our current predicament and not only because my dad wasn’t here, but because we would normally go up there at this time of year. Well actually about three weeks from now. It was October 11th. Why did that date ring a bell in my head? I blew that question out of my head and started to wonder if we would still be taking that trip this year. We most likely would seeing as my mom would never skip an opportunity to go anywhere with Hayden’s mom, Jenny. I didn’t think we would skip the trip because of my fathers death either, he had only gone on the trip with us a few times anyways.

I was home now, and after quickly retrieving my stuff from the backseat of my car, I made my way up to the front porch of my house. I took my keys out, unlocked the door, and entered my humble abode. I heard singing coming from upstairs and started walking towards the voice. I ended up in front of my little sister’s room. I opened the door, not feeling the need to knock.

“Happy Birthday, Maria!” I said loudly. She blushed faintly and tried to hide a smile.

“Thanks,” she said. She was 14 today and was not exactly thrilled about it.

“Still not excited about it are you?”

“Not one bit.”

“I still don’t really understand why. I mean, it’s not like some huge age or anything.” I said, shrugging my shoulders and walking over to take a seat on the edge of her bed.

“I know but, I don’t know,” She started, taking a seat beside me on the bed. “It’s just weird. I feel like yesterday I was a nine year old in the third grade and now I’m a 14 year old in eighth grade who’s stressing about high school and grades and boys…”

“Well, if it helps, I can take one of those factors away. No boys. Teenage boys are just a waste of time Ria. They’re just immature and stupid. Trust me.” I said which earned a smile from her.

“Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know. Don’t worry, no boys. Yet,” She said back, smiling up at me with her big, chocolate brown eyes.

“What do you mean yet?” I asked in a protective tone.

“Oh cool it. Boys aren’t my forte.”

“Well, let’s keep it that way.”

“Speaking of girlfriends,” she said.

“What? We weren’t speaking of girlfriends.”

“Well, now we are because you said the word.” She said with a smile. “So do you have one?”

“What’s it to you?” I asked, trying to play it cool.

“That means no.” She retorted back.

“Psh, you don’t know that.” I stated.

“Psh, yeah I do.”

“Really? How?”

“Because nobody wants you as a boyfriend, that’s for dang sure!” She said. I put my hand over my heart.

“Ouch Maria. C’mon now, that hurts.”

“Hey, I speak the truth.”

“Ok, let’s go with that one.” I said standing up from her bed. “Well, be ready in an hour because we’re going out for your birthday.”

“Oh, joy.” She said in her famous sarcastic tone, while flopping down on her bed. I chuckled and left her room, making my way to the room at the end of the hall. I entered the room, as I did everyday. This room was my real humble abode. This was my music room. Well, more like my piano room, either way, it was my sanctuary.

I walked over to my black, Yamaha baby grand piano, and took a seat on the black bench that sat in front of it. I placed my hands on the keys, waiting for something to come to me but nothing did. It had been like this for the past few months and it frustrating beyond words. I had always been able to sit down and just let a great composition flow out of me, but now I couldn’t. I could play things I already knew or already composed, but nothing new was coming. There was one, and it was good but it kind of made you depressed, and I knew why. Hayden was always my main inspiration when I was playing piano, now that I didn’t have her, well, I just wasn’t inspired.

I continued to sit there, thinking of something I could play. I decided to play my favorite song that I had composed. It was Hayden’s song, simply called, Hayden. I could play that song at any second of any day. I could play it flawlessly and not even think about it.

As the sound of the last chord faded, I smiled contently. I decided to play it again, though I don’t know why. I had started to play right when the door to the room opened.

“Noah?” I quickly stopped playing the music.

“What?” I growled, not turning around to see who had said my name, I imagined it was Maria.

“Is that any way to speak to your mother?” I turned around only to see my mother standing in the doorway.

“Oh, sorry mom.” She merely chuckled.

“It’s fine. Hey, we’re gonna get going, you ready?”

“Yep, I’ll be right down.” I said, standing up from the bench. She nodded and walked out into the hallway. I walked out of the soundproof music room and into my room which was right next to it, to the left, across from the spare bedroom. I entered my room, quickly put my shoes and light jacket on and then made my way back into the hallway. I walked down the hallway and down the stairs. When I was about halfway down, I heard my mom and sister talking quietly.

“…well how mad do you think he’s gonna be?” I heard Maria ask my mom.

“Why would he be mad?” My mother asked back, oblivious to whatever Maria was speaking of.

“Oh, um, no reason.”

“Well, it is your birthday, so he doesn’t really have any right to be mad.” My mother said. What were they talking about? I resumed walking down the stairs and I’m assuming they heard my footsteps this time because they stopped their conversation.

“What are we talking about?” I asked in a casual yet curious tone.

“What? Nothing. Let’s go.” Maria said quickly. She walked out the door, followed by my mother then me. When I was fully out of the house, I quickly glanced over at Hayden’s house, just a natural habit. Nobody appeared to be home but I didn’t want to continue to look for lights because that would make me feel like a stalker.

“Noah,” my sister called from the car, “stop house stalking and let’s go!” I glared at her and made my way to the car. I had to sit in the back like some kind of child because Maria had already settled into the passenger seat.

“I was not stalking anyone.” I said harshly.

“That’s what you want me to think. Don’t worry the first step is always denial.” She said while looking at me in the rearview mirror, a smile visible in her chocolate eyes.

“Oh, you humor me.” I said sarcastically.

“Your face humors me with all of its ugliness.” She said right back. I had another rude comment to say but I was cut off.

“That’s enough!” My mother said to both of us. I rolled my eyes and stared down, out of the window, watching the dark pavement of the street pass by. I was still wondering what my mom and Maria were talking about but something told me I would find out in due time. We were in front of the restaurant now I exited the car, leaving my thoughts behind as well. We made our way into the Italian restaurant, La Grolla, and were greeted by the hostess.

“Masen, party of three.” I said to the hostess.

“I have a Masen, party of five down. I don’t suppose you’re Leah Masen?” She asked. My mother chuckled, coming from behind me.

“No, that would be me, and yes, there will be five of us tonight.”

“Great.” The hostess said. “Oh, I believe the other two of your guests have arrived.” My mother smiled and nodded. The hostess simply pointed us in the direction of our table. I was utterly confused as to who we were having dinner with tonight. I followed my mother and sister to our table and as soon as I rounded the corner, I saw the back of a head of a girl with long, slightly curly, dark brown almost black hair. Oh dear God. This shall be interesting. Maria stepped next to the girl’s chair.

“Hayden! I’m so glad you came.” She said giving her a hug.

“Do you think that I would miss your birthday dinner?” She said, flashing her perfect smile. “Happy birthday! Don’t worry I’m bringing you somewhere tomorrow to celebrate more.”

“Really? Awesome! See this is why I love you!” She said taking a seat next to her at the round table. “Thank you for coming too, Auntie Jenny!” She said to Jenny. No, she was not our actual aunt, but both Maria and I had called her that since we were kids.

“Well of course dear! Happy Birthday!” She said back. My mother had taken a seat next to her which left the last seat open for me.

“Hey, Aunt Jenny.” I said while taking my seat between Maria and my mom.

“Noah! I haven’t seen you in so long. Well I have but certainly not at my household. Where were you all summer? You haven’t been over for months.” She stated. Oh, here we go.

“I’ve been busy.” I said casually, faking a smirk.

“Well, I want to see more of you. It’s weird not seeing you raid my refrigerator everyday.” She said with a smile. I smiled back and then began to read the menu. It took all the power in me not to look up and glance at Hayden, but I kept my self distracted by reading the menu even though I knew what I was getting. After a few moments of looking over the meal choices, the waiter came and we all placed our orders.

“Well, if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to wash up.” Hayden said as she stood up from her seat.

“Same for me.” Aunt Jenny and Maria said at the same time, while standing up. All three ladies made their way towards the ladies room. This left my mom and I which could only lead to one thing. Lecture time for Noah Masen.

“I think I should go check and make sure the car’s still outside.” I said, rising from my seat. I knew I should have something different but it was the first thing came to mind.

“Noah, sit down.” My mother said sternly. “The principal called again today. Thumbtacks and superglue. Noah, really?”

“Oh, so he did tell you. To think I ever trusted him.” I said in my infamous sarcastic tone.

“Look Noah, I’m just going to come out and ask you. What’s your problem?”

“I don’t have a problem.”

“Oh, really? Then explain to me why I have gotten more calls about your bad behavior in the first two months of school than I have since you started school when you were four!” She said, looking me dead in the eye.

“Well, when you say I have a problem it makes it sound like I’m some kind of teenage drug addict or something.” I said, leaning back in my chair and lightly throwing my hands up only to let them fall into my lap.

“You know that is not what I mean. Why are you doing this? Why are you acting out? Is it because of your father? Do you need you need to go back to therapy?” I closed my eyes and pinched the bridge of my nose in frustration.

“I do not need to go back to therapy mother.” I growled. I put my folded arms on to the table. She put her left hand on my arms.

“Then help me understand what is going on. I feel like I’m loosing my Noah.”

“You’re not loosing me mom, I’m right here.”

“Yeah, but you’re not my Noah. You’re different. You never used to act out or display any type of bad behavior. I feel like this is my fault or something.” I looked up at her then.

“Mom, do not blame yourself for how I’ve been acting. I don’t even completely know why I’ve been acting like this but please don’t ever say that it’s your fault.”

“I just miss my son. I miss my son who used to care about his mother. My son who knew how his actions affected his mother.” She took her hand away from my arm now.

“Mom,” I said, feeling guilty. I could see Hayden approaching the table now, looking down at her sweater as she walked. Once she arrived at the table, she sat back in her seat, never making eye contact with me.

“So Hayden, what time should Maria and I be ready tomorrow?” My mom asked Hayden. Where did they think they were going?

“We should probably get going by about 9:30 don’t you think?” Hayden asked.

“Absolutely. So you two, how’s school going?” My mom asked us trying to spark conversation.

“Well, it’s school,” Hayden replied. My mom grinned back at her.

“So are you enjoying your junior year?”

“Well, let’s just say it’s a little different than I expected.” Hayden said before she sighed. I had an idea as to what she was talking about but I wasn’t getting into that conversation right now, especially since I wasn’t sure if my mother knew all about out current predicament. I knew she knew that something wasn’t right but she hadn’t said anything to me about it but I knew that she would soon. It was only a matter of time and seeing as my mom wasn’t the most patient person, I had a feeling that after this dinner, I would be bombarded with questions of why Hayden and I hadn’t talked, let alone looked at each other throughout the whole dinner.

“Well, hopefully in a good way. So tell me, what classes are you taking?” My mother asked.

“Well, you know, all of the core classes obviously, and I recently transferred to psychology.” Hayden said casually followed with what seemed to be a look of regret. Oh, wait. Noah, stop looking at her dang!

“Oh! Noah’s taking psychology, are you two in the same class?” My mother asked, too excitedly.

“Yeah, yeah we are.” She replied blankly.

“Well that’s nice. Do you two have many classes together? I know you’re in the same advisory but are there any other classes besides that and psychology?” Where was my mother going with this? I mean yes, she was a nosy woman but jeez. Wait! What? No, Hayden wasn’t in my advisory!

“Well we might now because I got a schedule change just today so I guess we’ll find out on Monday.” Fantastic! Well isn’t this just dandy?!

“Mom, we aren’t in the same advisory.” I mumbled blankly, secretly trying to get some explanation as to why my mother knew all of this information that I had no clue about.

“Well, actually we are now.” Hayden said to me. Woah. Hayden spoke to me. I looked up at her then, only to meet her big hazel eyes. Nice going Masen. Those eyes were my weakness, I mean, you couldn’t look at them without immediately feeling…I don’t know the emotion, but I do know that you can’t look into her eyes without feeling it. I continued to look at her confusingly. “They wanted to downsize my advisory so I got moved. But I decided to change some of my electives so I got a schedule change.” She explained with a hint of what sounded like hesitation in her voice.

“Oh.” I said quietly, still looking at her. I decided that now was a good time for me to stop looking at her. I looked away from her only to see Maria and Jenny approaching us. They sat down and a conversation between the four women started. I myself was completely lost in my thoughts. I couldn’t help but steal a few glances at Hayden, though I don’t really know why. I had spent the last five months ignoring her, though everyday it got harder to do so. At first it was a little simpler, just going a few days without talking, but after about a week I needed something to distract me from the constant thought of her. That was when I turned into who I was now trying to be.

I had started acting like the type of guy that I always said I would never become. The guy who shuts out the one person he knows is there for him. The guy who disrespects his family and acts as if everything is fine. I was this guy-- no I wasn’t this guy but I was turning into him and the most frustrating part was that I didn’t know why. My mom likes to say that the only reason I’m acting this way is because of the loss of my father. Part of me wants to believe that that is the only reason, that’s the part of me that likes to take the easy way out. I tried to convince myself that my mother was right because I needed a reason but I knew that wasn’t exactly it.

I didn’t know what it was but there was someone who did, Maria. At first, she thought like my mother, that my acting out was on behalf of my fathers death, but as time went on I think she saw that that wasn’t the case. She saw that I was doing all right for about two months then she saw the change. She no longer saw Hayden at our house and no longer saw me going to Hayden’s house. She suspected something was wrong but didn’t confront me about anything right off the bat. She waited for about a month to confront me.

“Noah!” Maria called from her room. I reluctantly got off of my bed to go see what was up. I stalked into her room, scowling.

“What?” I grumbled at her. I was never mean to my sister, I mean yes, we had our sibling squabbles but what siblings didn’t.

“Well, dang! Sorry if I pulled you from something important but it can wait.”

“What do you want?” I said, leaning against the door that I had just closed.

“What’s the deal with you and Hayden?” She asked bluntly. This was great, now my baby sister was going to get involved.

“There is no deal.”

“Well that much is pretty obvious. What did you do Noah?”

“What are you talking about? I didn’t do anything.”

“Ok, sure, let’s go with that. No, but seriously. I haven’t seen you two together for a good month which makes me suspicious.”

“What’s the point of this conversation?” I asked, annoyed.

“We wouldn’t be having this conversation if you didn’t do something to ruin everything.”

“Nothing’s ruined.”

“Lie to yourself all you want but don’t lie to me. I know you did something Noah and in all honesty, I don’t know what, but I do know that if you don’t fix it soon it’ll be too late and you’ll regret not listening to me.”

“Well thank you Dr. Phil but if you haven’t noticed I’m 16, I think I can make my own decisions.”

“Well if that’s what you wanna tell yourself be my guest but we both know that something’s up.”

“Nothing. Is. Up.” I hissed at her.

“You know what Noah Masen?” She now stood up from her bed out of frustration, and crossed her arms over her chest.

“I don’t know. Why don’t you indulge me with your thoughts.” I said sarcastically, crossing my arms as well. My comment was enough to tick her off and she threw a nearby book at me.

“Shut UP! God, you are so stupid Noah! Hayden is the one person who has been there for you your whole life. How are you just gonna kick her to the curb? Huh? I mean, what is going on in your head? Does 16 years of friendship mean nothing to you?” I laughed at her outrage, secretly hiding the pain she was causing with her words.

“You don’t know anything so stop acting like you do.”

“I know that she’s your best friend, or should I say she used to be your best friend? I know that you completely lashed out on her for no reason. I know that she secretly cries herself to sleep because she doesn’t have you in her life anymore.”

“You don’t know that.” I stated.

“No. YOU don’t know that. But I wouldn’t expect you to seeing as you two ‘aren’t friends anymore.’ Do you see how stupid you are? She was the one person you had and you pushed her away and now you act as if you’ve never met the girl! And what is this whole acting out thing? You’ve never been a trouble maker.” She stared me down, arms crossed in front of her. She continued to glare but then her face scrunched up and she spoke again. “Oh, don’t tell me, you’re trying to be ‘in’ now since you have no one to lean on because you pushed Hayden away.”

“God Maria, SHUT UP! You don’t know crap, ok? Have you forgotten that you are MY sister, not hers? And I’m not acting out, for your information. God, you know what, why don’t you just leave me alone.”

“I will not leave you alone. And I do know that you are my brother, I’m not stupid. But you know that I’ve always seen Hayden as my sister.”

“Well if that’s how you see her why don’t you go pry into her life instead?”

“What?”

“You heard me! God, just get out of my life!” I trudged out of her room immediately regretting my words but not turning around to take them back.