Published June 15, 2013
It was late fall, the kids at college were let out, and the Training Camp members were sent home. The air was cold and it was dark, and there were miles of sand from the Camp Lakeshore. Me, Isabella, snuggled into the small cot I was provided with. My Grandmother grabbed my hand, clasping the bracelet on my arm. "It's hot inside, but cold inside." Grandma said. I snuggled more into the cot, and Grandmother relinquished me a small glass of sparkly water. Next Day: I smelled gravel and heard loud hollers.
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138,317 Literary Works • 672,102 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
Anyway let's get right to it,
For something that had the title that this piece did, I was expecting a lot crazier stuff to start happening here...bit...well, this was surprisingly wholesome here to begin with. I do wonder how this is going to actually build up to the title taking place where the whole seems to be ending somehow.
You do get a sense that the atmosphere around them is being a bit unforgiving, what with the whole cold and dark things happening, those are usually signs of bad things in general, and it looks like people are being sent home because of whatever this phenomenon is...and I get the feeling perhaps this is also something a little bit sudden if the kids had to get sent home early.
Then we get to the scene with the grandma and it seems a little extra tense somehow, I can't quite place it, but the scene feels like something a little awkward is going on there rather than what is obvious which is Isabella snuggling up to her grandmother, that definitely got me quite intrigued there. At any rate, the title definitely caught my attention right away and as a start, while this is quite short...it does seem like it could be a pretty intriguing story here. The one catch would be the sudden abrupt and rather random mention of "next day" there. You might want to reconsider that line.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
I think this piece could use some work, after all, it is very short, and there is barely any back story at all like the last user said. In the sentence:
"Next Day: I smelled gravel and heard loud hollers." Try to change it into:
"Next day; I smelled gavel and heard loud hollers". That's all!
This is my FIRST REVIEW! Mark anything I have said wrong. Thanks!
P.S. : Smelling gravel doesn't make sense. Try something like, the scent of gravel.
Cheerio!
Hi there! Welcome to the site!
Alright, this could use some work. I'm here to help you make this the best it can be!
First off, I'm assuming that this is a prologue. It's very short and there is very little description or backstory at all. I do know three things: the setting (late fall), main character and the important people in their life (okay, I don't know the main character's name, but he's a boy and he has a girlfriend named Isabella and he lives with his grandmother), and the next day the smell of gravel filled the air and there were people screaming.
So, the first thing any good piece of writing needs is a solid idea. This could be an idea for the plot, the setting, a character. Since this is based off of World War Z, I think it's safe to assume the first idea that popped into your mind was the plot. With that in mind, I'm not really sure what the plot is. Obviously the plot will be developed more as the story goes on, but a good prologue tends to hint towards the plot.
I want you to focus on what's going on the next day. Maybe you could even take the events of the first day and move them to the second day. With that revision, you can create an interest in the story. For example, describe the yells. Does your character push away from his girlfriend and rush to the window to look out? Does he hear the screams and dismiss them as unimportant? Does he freak out and run and hide? With any of these options (and anything else you can come up with), the reader is drawn into the story. You can create a certain type of anticipation for the reader. They'll want to read on and figure out what's going on.
The second thing any good piece of writing needs is a main character (or two). You've already got a main character, but you haven't really developed him. I'm not sure what his name is, where he lives, how long he's been with Isabella, what he looks like; stuff like that. I want you to really dive into the mind of your character. Really get to know them and then describe them to us. Give us a glimpse of who they are.
Some specific comments:
*grammar: this is how the sentence should be written: "It was late fall. The kids at college were let out and the Training Camp members were sent home."
*content: it's late fall. Usually that's when college students are still at school, crazily cramming for finals before winter break. Unless it is winter break, then you should mention that. And you should explain what this Training Camp is. What are they training for? If this is something you're going to discuss later, you can just give us a little description right now. Maybe they're training for the war. Just hint to whatever it is they're training for.
*grammar: you left out a word here. Add 'and' between 'me' and 'Isabella'. Then the sentence will read well.
*content:first things first, where is he? Is he at home or did he run away and go somewhere else? I'm leaning more towards the whole running away thing because he says that he was provided with a cot. He wouldn't really need a cot if he was still at home, right? So make sure to clarify the setting here.
*this is the first time you've mentioned his grandmother. What does she look like? Does she had short hair? Is she fat and plods across the floor? Is there a certain, ugly sweater she always wears? Give us a little information about her so we can get a better understand as to who she is. Second, you mention a bracelet. But not just a bracelet, the bracelet. By saying 'the bracelet', you allude to the fact that the reader knows of this bracelet. But we don't. So you should say '...clasping a bracelet on my arm'. Now, what kind of bracelet is it? Is it gold, silver, copper, blue, yellow, rainbow? Oh c'mon, you knew this was coming XD Give us a short description so we can understand just what it's like.
*thank you Grandma Captain Obvious! XD There has to be some reason that you put this dialogue in here. It's the only dialogue in the entire piece. Is it actually quite warm in the house, but Grandma feels cold? Maybe she's dying and she feels really cold. (Look at me, already killing off characters in your novel. Tsk tsk. I apologize, just a statement) Just give us a little something after this sentence to explain it a little more. Oh! Maybe the cold is foreshadowing of the events to come!
* so this should be written like something like this:
"I woke up uncomfortably the next morning. There was a crick in my neck. I reached up to rub it and remembered Isabella lying next to me. I looked down at her. She's so beautiful when she sleeps. It was still early so I laid back down, intent on falling asleep.
But I never got the opportunity. Just outside of the open window, I could hear people screaming. I bolted out of bed and made my way toward the window. The smell of gravel filled my nostrils. I wasn't sure what I was going to see and I wasn't exactly sure I wanted to see. Maybe I should have just stayed in bed."
See how this gives a lot more description and really gets into the details of the story? You don't have to use this if you don't want to, it's just a suggestion.
Overall I think your idea is a good one. I really want to read more. Please let me know when you add to the story. Can't wait to see what else you post!
Keep writing!
**Noelle**
Noelle, he does not have a "girlfriend" The main character is Isabella
Oh! I can see that now. *goes and hides in embarrassment* Never mind then. I misread it :/
Hello, Cuppycakex7. I don't believe we have met. Welcome to YWS! I am GriffinClaw, here to review!
Haha.
First off, why did you comment on your own piece?
Second, this is super short. I have no background information at all, know nothing about the characters, and had no time for any story to develop. I really can't review much here, other than tell you to WRITE MORE.
Some things I can tell you, in the sentence, "My Grandmother grabbed my hand, clasping the bracelet on my arm."
Grandmother is not capitalized. Also, the sentence after needs to be a new paragraph, and indented. Because someone is talking; it is a new paragraph.
Also, the sentence, "Next Day: I smelled gravel and heard loud hollers."
What is that about? If you are going to keep that format, enter and indent. You could also make it a full sentence, "The next day, I heard..."
However, again with the shortness, you did not write enough to begin with to go onto the next day. This story could show promise, it is just way too short to tell.
Continue writing and being amazing!
~GC
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