Published February 4, 2008
IT WAS THE BUG THAT POSTED IT FOR ME... IT WAS JUST A DRAFT.
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141,381 Literary Works • 674,386 Reviews
I'm sooooooryyyyy! I did not meant to post this!!!! The fu**ing bug posted it, but it was meant to be a draft. DO NOT CRITIQUE ON IT...
God, I hate that bug.
Thanks for the replies anyway...
Well, I can't give you much of a critique due to the lack of...well, everything. But as a quick-write, vent-that-creative build-up, I guess it was fine. Some of the sentence structuring was awkward, but on th whole it was intiguing. Consider keeping this going. It might land you somewhere. Usually, I write poetry when I have vestigal creative impulses. But random fiction works fine, too.
The underlined portion is awkward. It's just a strange description. Wires - and by wires, I'm guessing you mean telephone wires - are not an integral part of a city, like houses are, so it comes off as a useless setting description. Consider, "consious stoplights" or "streetlights".
Thr group is going down? How about the car? Describing that the group is going down implies to me that they're not in a car. Also, I don't like your brown town imagery. It's like describing a rock as "tan". Use a different adjective.
Anyway, cool.
-Kylan
Quote:
"Welcome to Eden", said the sign on the road.
I think the words Welcome to Eden should be in italics rather than quotation.
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Firstly, because the original plan was just to "hit the road".
Why is hit the road in quotations? Maybe try italics and if not either take it out or simply leave it alone.
Quote:
"Julie? There's noone here. Are you sure you followed the signs?"
noone only has 1 o(probably just a typo)
Other than those few things it was pretty good.
Good luck with the editing
And feel free to PM me with any questions or just to let me know when you've edited it.
-BroadwayGirl
I liked it...
That was absoulutley no... but o well. I like the descriptive begining.
PM me if you continue it.