z

Young Writers Society



When He Nothing Shines Upon

by Cub


The city was cold, for it was the beginning of January, and it was silent, because no one was there anymore, no one except for two boys. They were walking down a main street, past the rows of empty cars, and the deserted shop fronts. They paused every now and then to peer at the shop fronts, or rather, the younger one did. He was an enthusiastic boy, that younger one, eight years old, with determined green eyes, and curly brown hair, and a large teddy bear clutched against his chest. He bounced around the older boy, his worn brown coat half-flying off, revealing his sagging T-shirt, too big to cover his rapidly thinning body, his teddy bear swaying in the wind. The older boy was thirteen. His hands, long and dark and thin, remained clasped around the younger boy's soft fingers. His gray eyes, skittish and careful, made a dedicated note of the buildings, as he eyed them for any change, while his dark bangs swished back and forth in tangled strands over his nose.

The younger boy talked, his voice the yelp of a puppy.

"Caleb, I  bet there's soda in there!"

Caleb's hands tightened around the younger boy's hand, and he cast a cautious glance at the storefront to which the younger boy was pointing. He finally spoke, his adolescent voice scratchy and young.

"Probably all rotten soda, no fizz in it. 'Sides, it's too dangerous. Might be a wild in there, and you can't take a chance."

The younger boy jerked at Caleb's hand, and he twisted his face around, sticking out his tongue to show his derision.

"Ha! If there was a wild, it would have killed us already, and you know it, Caleb! You just don't want me to have any fun. "

Caleb puckered his lips, and stared at the shop, trying to analyze it. Rob was right of course, wilds didn't plan, so if there was one, it sure would have killed them already. Still, any soda in that old store would be rotten, probably swimming with flies from the summer last. T'was no good. He pushed bullishly forward, shifting Rob with him.

"Hey! Hey, Caleb, quit it! Can't we just take a look? You're probably scared!"

Caleb pushed forward, dragging Rob with him, forcing the little boy to be pulled n his wake.

"I hate you, you big jerk! What if someone's in there?"

Caleb jerked to a stop, and Rob slipped on the snow in the stop. Someone in there, Caleb thought. Someone might easily be in there. He turned his glance back towards the shop, and then realized, with a terrible shock, that Rob's little gloved hand was not in his anymore. He looked down, and then about, and then, heart beating horribly, he shouted,

"Rob, Rob! Rob, are you here? Please Rob, I didn't mean it! Please!"

Caleb heard an impish giggle, and his eyes flashed down towards his feet, onto little Rob, who was giggling in the snow, his teddy bear held close to him. Caleb stared at him for an instant, that green-eyed, freckled, brown-haired little boy, and then, forcing his relief into anger, he jerked him to his feet.

"C'mon, joker. Don't ever try that again."

Rob rose to his feet, still giggling, and unsteadily he tottered forward, grabbing Caleb's pant leg for purchase. Caleb jerked him along, hand once again carefully gripping Rob's, while Rob's teddy bear dragged in the snow. Rob's face lit up as he saw where Caleb was going, but Caleb didn't give the little imp a hint of satisfaction by turning to smile. So what if he was going to that dumb old shop Rob had wanted to go in? It meant nothing!

Caleb leaned against the glass door, putting all of his weight into pushing it open. He half-fell inside, and Rob fell inside with him. Almost thirty seconds after smashing into the floor, he slowly slid his head up, hearing, oddly enough, a symphony of flies. Flies in winter? Well, he thought, they could be carriers, mutants, those ones. Then he and Rob weren't in any danger. Average flies were all dead now, so they must be carriers. But why here?

Caleb forced himself to his feet, half trembling, and then he saw that Rob was already standing, a short sturdy figure, and his teddy bear was lying in the dust, and his hands were hanging slack at his sides. Caleb stood to his full height, five foot one, and then his eyes widened, as he saw the body.

"Close your eyes, Rob!"

Rob's eyes closed, and Caleb walked forward, feet rocking the floorboards. He bent down at the body, and he saw that it was one of the old ones, one of the bodies of someone who hadn't become a wild when the flies hit them, and had instead shriveled up into a disgusting, noxious mummy. He stared at it, and he saw that it was a girl, not much older than he was.

He got up, and turned away, and grabbing Rob's limp shoulder, he dragged him out of the store. Finally he spoke, his voice harsher than he had intended.

"Don't act like you haven't seen a body before! Ain't nothing to cry about."

Rob was biting his lower lip, and when he slid his eyes up to Caleb's, they were red.

"I weren't crying. Not a bit. Just. . ."

"What?!"

Rob stared at the snow, and he kicked it.

"Nothing. Just, is everyone like that?"

Caleb looked forward, forcing his gaze towards the gray sun.

"Nope."

Rob looked at the snow, and the two boys walked on.

It was night when they stopped, huddling in the shadow of an abandoned building, their tired bodies falling to the ground, their cold arms sliding up into their sleeves. Caleb cracked open a tuna can that he had found a week or so ago, and they ate it slowly, until Rob stared up at Caleb with sad eyes.

"Caleb, I forgot Daddy in the store."

Caleb glared at Rob.

"Daddy? That your teddy bear? Well, you can forget about it. We don't have time to go looking for some dumb ol' teddy bear."

Rob stood up, and his green eyes flared in anger.

"Why don't we have time to go get him? You just don't want to."

Caleb breathed tightly, than patiently spoke.

"Cause we need to get to the next city."

"Why?"

"Other people might be there. People like us!"

Rob turned away, face obstinately forced towards the old building. He twisted his head to spit on the ground, then turned away again.

"People like us? There ain't no one like us, and you just don't want to admit it! Everyone's dead, dead or wild, and wild's the same thing as dead. We're the last, the last ones, and you just can't bring yourself to say--"

Caleb sprung to his feet and grabbed Rob by the shoulders, twisting him around with fierce force. He pushed Rob against the ground, and pinned him like a vise against the building wall, his long fingers like nails on Rob's shoulders. Rob looked up at him, eyes wide and terrified.

"Don't say that! Don't ever say that! There's more people; we ain't the last ones--don't you dare say anything like that again, you hear me?"

Rob nodded, slowly and nervously, and Caleb, as if realizing what had happened, stepped away slowly. He turned away from Rob, and grabbing his tuna, he sat down and slowly ate it, back pressed towards Rob.

"Caleb?"

"What!"

"What were things like, back before everyone died?"

Caleb slowly turned back to Rob, and he swallowed slowly, forcing his saliva down his throat, and twisting his anger away.

"Everyone was happy, I guess. We had food, so much more than you could imagine, and we had cars that moved, and there were people, so many you can't count 'em all! "

"What were--what were Mom and Dad like?"

"Nice, I guess. They loved us. When you were scared, you know what Mom would sing?"

"What?"

"Twinkle, twinkle little star! You liked that 'un."

Rob's face lit up slightly.

"I remember it!"

"Uh-huh--knew you would!"

It was a colder morning than yesterday, crueler as well, and Rob and Caleb were wading through the snow. Rob's hand was clasped in Caleb's, and they walked together, two boys alone in a dead world. Their feet shifted the snow, and their eyes fixed ahead, as they walked through the maze of half-decomposed buildings that composed what had been the suburbs of that city. Rob's voice rang out suddenly, loud and clear over the houses.

"Caleb, I heard something!"

Caleb forced his excitement down, further and further down, and finally said,

"Halloo again. But get ready to run. It could be a wild."

Rob hallooed again, and his should echoed over the surrounding area. Caleb heard rustling, and he felt pinpricks of terror dance up his spine. He pushed Rob forward, and the two boys continued their walk. Probably nothing, Caleb thought. Rob's cold fingers gripped around his wrist, jerking him to look. Puzzled, Caleb twisted to Rob's direction, and he gasped.

"A wild! Run, Rob!"

It stood in the shadows of the building, a rotting figure, bursting with blood and gore, its eyes slicing out towards Rob and Caleb. Caleb's fingers jerked the paralyzed Rob, and suddenly they were racing, eyes large and frantic. Wilds were slow enough that they could outrun it--but what if there were more?

They twisted past one building and around another, and Rob screamed, and Caleb's eyes flicked around, and he saw another coming out of a corner, and another one as well. His feet spun forward, and he flew across the ground, dancing in a ferocious ballet of terror.

They raced around one corner, and into another, and suddenly they bounced against a wall, and they were trapped, inside a dark alleyway. They peered forward, and they suddenly saw them, fifty, a hundred, maybe more, wilds all pouring up into the alley like water pouring into a container. Rob's eyes focused on them, all of them, and suddenly Caleb pushed him back against the wall.

"Close your eyes, Rob."

Rob's eyes smashed shut, and he burrowed against the wall, and then he heard it, a shout, no, a scream, and he heard noises, and his eyes bled water. He pushed further and further against the wall, and he heard them coming closer, and he heard horrid noises, and finally his voice, like a trembling child, came out, and he hid inside his voice, and it drowned out all the noises.

"T-twinkle, twinkle, little star, how I wonder what you are. Up above the world so high, like a diamond in the sky, when the blazing sun is gone, when he nothing shines upon, then you show your little light, twinkle, twinkle all the night. Twinkle, twinkle, little star, how I wonder w-what you are. . . "


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841 Reviews


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Sun Nov 05, 2017 5:19 pm
Radrook wrote a review...



First, I enjoyed reading the story and am very impressed by your ability to express yourself and your imagination. The story held my attention from start to finish and that is very important. In fact, that is far more important than the technical stuff which might need a few tweaks. So my suggestions are only meant to make the story read smoother and to eliminate things that might cause small pauses to some readers. Here are my suggestions: Please feel free all that you do not find useful.

Suggestions

"....suburbs of that city. Rob's voice rang out suddenly, loud and clear over the houses."

[Mentioning a city again makes the reader want to know where this city is and its name. This could have been done in the intro. Also, the sound of his voice is described as " ringing out over the houses” How is a voice restricted to sounding only over or above the houses? This makes the reader have trouble imagining it and causes a pause.

Also, when there is life-threatening danger, one doesn’t expect that kind of loudness. One expects them to whisper in order not to give themselves away.

The words “composed and decomposed” are too close together. Crumbling houses is better. ]
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Rob hallooed again, and his should echoed over the surrounding area. "


[Once more, this is testing the reader’s suspension of disbelief. One moment the boys are scared of being detected and the next they seem to be announcing to everyone within earshot what their location is.]
----------------------------------

"Puzzled, Caleb twisted to Rob's direction, and he gasped."

[The word twisted is used again. Please try to use another.]

--------------------------------------

"They twisted past one building...."

[Once again the word “twisted” “turned” “swerved” “raced” “ran” are better. Why? Well, because what are they twisting?]


----------------------------------------
".... Caleb's eyes flicked around, and he saw...."


Unnecessary. Reader knows what eyes must do in order to see.]
----------------------

His feet spun forward, and he flew across the ground, ....

[Unnecessary: Reader knows what feet must do in order to take us places in a hurry.]

----------------------------------

"....his voice, like a trembling child,...."

[Unnecessary: Reader knows he has a child’s voice.]

-------------------------

"Caleb pushed forward, dragging Rob with him, forcing the little boy to be pulled in his wake."


[If he is dragged then we know he is a being pulled in the wake. Redundant.]


“Caleb jerked to a stop, and Rob slipped on the snow in the stop. Someone in there, Caleb thought.”


Suggestion:

Don’t tell the reader something that the reader can readily attribute to cause and effect

Placing thoughts in italics helps.


Caleb jerked to a stop, and Rob slipped on the snow. Someone in there, Caleb thought.
---------------------

"Caleb's hands tightened around the younger boy's hand, "


Suggestion:

Caleb's hand tightened around the younger boy's,

==================

"Rob rose to his feet, still giggling, and unsteadily he tottered forward, grabbing Caleb's pant leg for purchase. "

Suggestion:

[The unusual expression “for purchase” makes the reader pause since “purchase” means to buy.

Do you mean to steady himself?]

-----

"He got up, and turned away,...."

[ He straitened up. Got up indicates that the was back on the floor or at least on his knees or on one knee. But you told us he merely bent over to take a look at the mummy.]
--------------------------

"Caleb forced himself to his feet, ... Caleb stood to his full height....”

Suggestion:

[Saying he rose to his feet once is enough.]
----------------------

"Caleb cracked open a tuna can that he had found a week or so ago, and they ate it slowly,"

[This comes across as if they are eating metal. Better to leave out the “ït”.]
-------------

“....they walked together, two boys alone in a dead world. ”

Suggestion:

[Readers already know what the situation is. No need to remind them. The writer’s voice is heard. It is redundant You have already done an excellent job of showing us that they are alone and what kind of a world they are in..
----

"Rob stared at the snow, and he kicked it."

[If they are inside a building how is there snow on the ground? A transition from inside the building to getting back outside is needed.]

-------------------------

“.... Caleb didn't give the little imp....”


[Narrator’s opinion about Rob isn’t necessary. Show us don’t tell us he is an imp, In fact, you had been doing so very well. So the statement is really redundant.]

---------------------------------

".... and twisting his anger away."

[This second mention of twisting makes Caleb out to be a twister. Remember, he just twisted Rob. Forcing his anger away. Ignoring his own anger. ]

-------------------------

"and he heard horrid noises,..."

[Please tell us what noises he heard. Otherwise we don’t know.]




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Thu Feb 23, 2017 4:52 am
TheLeakyPen says...



Ok so first the worst I always say. There was so much dialouge. I mean dialouge isn't a bad thing but too much can bore the reader to death (at least for me) you need more background information. I don't know maybe describe your surrondings more or instead of dialouge write about the characters inside thoughts. Ok the ending was amazing. It sort of brought tears to my eyes. A little boy singing while terrible things go on. Incredible.

I liked it. I really did. It needs some work I'm not going to lie but for a first draft it's good. Yeah...it's good.




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Thu Feb 23, 2017 4:52 am
TheLeakyPen wrote a review...



Ok so first the worst I always say. There was so much dialouge. I mean dialouge isn't a bad thing but too much can bore the reader to death (at least for me) you need more background information. I don't know maybe describe your surrondings more or instead of dialouge write about the characters inside thoughts. Ok the ending was amazing. It sort of brought tears to my eyes. A little boy singing while terrible things go on. Incredible.

I liked it. I really did. It needs some work I'm not going to lie but for a first draft it's good. Yeah...it's good.




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Thu Feb 16, 2017 1:49 pm
Elijah wrote a review...



Congrats for your first work written here and welcome here as I assume you can be called a new member. I hope your expirience in the site is pleasant and stays this way during your stay here.
For your young age, your writing style is pretty polished and it seems like you know how to use your words in a writing. Every rewiever works unlike the others so I will just tell you the way it goes for me. I will seperate your work to parts as it is pretty long, we will go through them all and discuss all we need to talk about.

The city was cold, for it was the beginning of January, and it was silent, because no one was there anymore, no one except for two boys. They were walking down a main street, past the rows of empty cars, and the deserted shop fronts. They paused every now and then to peer at the shop fronts, or rather, the younger one did. He was an enthusiastic boy, that younger one, eight years old, with determined green eyes, and curly brown hair, and a large teddy bear clutched against his chest. He bounced around the older boy, his worn brown coat half-flying off, revealing his sagging T-shirt, too big to cover his rapidly thinning body, his teddy bear swaying in the wind. The older boy was thirteen. His hands, long and dark and thin, remained clasped around the younger boy's soft fingers. His gray eyes, skittish and careful, made a dedicated note of the buildings, as he eyed them for any change, while his dark bangs swished back and forth in tangled strands over his nose.


The first paragraph. You start with a mediumly detailed scenery, cold city and two boys for a start. I can not really tell why you say 'for it was the beginning of January' though. But I can understand your content there. Just the 'for' seems odd. I notice that you use a lots of commas which is no bad, I do it so much as well. You start to give us an image to vision from the very beginning. But I would still recomment shortening the sentences. Do not cut them or limit yourself, you have enough space to write. Just make the sentences shorter so the reader has where to stop and take a breath in. It is a great add that you tell us things of different expects, time, where, when, is it cold or warm. Things like that. You do not focus on only one character or only one stone from the big wall of your story.

In the sentence in bold. I know you want to specify that we are talking about the younger boy of them both but we already know that. Go ahead and say his age as the readers do not like being told the same thing many times without a purpose. If you let us make a difference in between the two, we can tell who you are talking about. Right after this sentence, those long ones continue on with stunning details for many more but it makes them just too long. The details shows how good you are with your words but the instant commas make it seem like you have nothing else to put in between those details. Make it more interesting, maybe put semicolons.

The second part in bold also streches the small sentence and not that it is unneeded information, maybe it is just the order of it? You use and twice and it just does not go on that smoothy over the loaf of bread. The honey is not smooth. Maybe cut off the second 'and' and play around with your commas and other marks.


The younger boy talked, his voice the yelp of a puppy.


The way it is said makes it seem like something is missing. You compare his voice to a yelp of a puppy I suppose? There are several options here.

, his voice, just like the yelp of a puppy;
, his voice - the yelp of a puppy;
, his voice was like the yelp of a puppy.


"Caleb, I bet there's soda in there!"

You just hit twice the space button before 'bet'.

T'was no good. He pushed bullishly forward, shifting Rob with him.
Caleb pushed forward, dragging Rob with him, forcing the little boy to be pulled n his wake.


I know that the older boy is using slang and shortening the phrases but it is cool only in the times when he is talking. It is part of his personality and used in his speech so it should stay there. Everything should be in its normal form if it is in the description.


The end took me in, you could feel the horror. In the end Rob is singing but is Caleb still there? I hope he is there and alive. What the previous reviewer before me said is right about the way their conversation goes, it sounds boring the further it goes because we are given no information, even if the simple soda task makes us calm. Still we do not know what whose wild ones are. Why are like that? The flies? The flies bit them? Or infected them with some kind of a poison? You need to start to give us a bit of information even if it is not much. And we need to wait half the story to understand whatever it is about it. But overall the ending is great, showing there is actually more to it. And also, tell me what the title of the story actually means.

Have a good day and great write!




Cub says...


Thanks for the review! It definitely is going to help me a lot going forward, as I think now I understand more how to polish up my story. I did worry about the irrelevancy of the first opening conversation, so I'll probably edit that down. As for the ending, mostly what I'm trying to get across is that Caleb is killed by the wilds (basically zombies infected by the flies), and Rob sings to keep from the horror, eventually getting killed by the wilds as well. I was trying to get across through the story that Rob and Caleb, through some immunity to the flies, were the only survivors of the epidemic, something Rob realizes, but Caleb refuses to admit. Anyhow, thanks so much for reviewing my work! You definitely gave me some awesome suggestions that I'll make sure to act upon.



Elijah says...


Welcome!



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Thu Feb 16, 2017 8:05 am
AkankshaD wrote a review...



Hey cub, AkankshaD here for a review;
First of all congrats for your first literary work and the first review from me!
I can conjecture from your writing that your mind is full of imagination and fantasies. You managed to keep the climax till half of the story and managed the suspense well.
Don't mind ,but there are certain loopholes which confused me and I hope you take care about it in your next literary work.
First, the way you started your story was understood to much extent but honestly, after four to five lines I wanted to stop reading. You described the characters very elaborately but it didn't make much sense. The conversation between Caleb and Rob were too lengthy and were not much required for this story.
Second, you didn't clarify what was inside that shop or what were those creepy wilds.Your idea was nice and sort of a sci-fi movie, but I suggest you should have given a flashback or memory to make it clear that how was world dead.
Lastly, most of the story was occupied in describing the features of the characters , their actions, their argument about the shops and their fights. As I have also written these kind of stories, I thought that the horror element or the astonishing climax was not clear enough as it appeared in the end.
But overall , your style of writing is good rather very good but not so mesmerising. Continue writing short stories, poetry or an article. All the best!




Cub says...


Thanks for the review, AkankshaD! I was a little worried about the beginning--it is sort of irrelevant, and the way I start it off with that long description probably doesn't help things. I'm probably going to go through and get it all worked out to perfection. As you said, 'All the best!'




If I seem to wander, if I seem to stray, remember that true stories seldom take the straightest way.
— Patrick Rothfuss, The Name of the Wind