Published September 6, 2007
This is something I just wrote down a few minutes ago, so it's not very polished yet. Please give me any feedback you can.
-----------------------------------------------------
Fame
For as long as I can remember
I have wanted to be famous
To be an award-winning actress
To be an international pop star
For as long as I can remember
I have wanted to be famous
To be known by everyone
To see myself on stage
For as long as I can remember
I have wanted to be famous
To have adoring fans
To give out autographs
For as long as I can remember,
I have been going to the supermarket
Seeing the tabloids
With all the famous celebrities
For as long as I can remember
I have seen the headlines
“Actress arrested”
“Singer put in rehab”
For as long as I can remember
I have wondered
Why these people did these things
Why the tabloids were printing it
And now I have decided
That they would not have done so
Were there not pressure
To be famous
For as long as I can remember
I have wanted to be famous
And now I think back
And realize how lucky I am not to be
---------------------------------------------
Thanks for any help in advance,
-Sorceress
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
141,328 Literary Works • 674,349 Reviews
Well, I told you what I thought (mostly) over IM, but I'll repeat it here for the benefit of you. You lucky girl.
Alrighty. The first two stanzas were okay, but after that it slid downhill. The last two lines of the third stanza were readable but clunky, but this stanza:
That was, I think, the worst stanza. The rhythm is difficult and the whole thing just doesn't read well. The other last stanzas were ok, but I diidn't like the two sentences that started with "why". It didn't seem like you weren't actually stating a question, even though you were wondering. A slight rephrasing and two question marks might help.
This is difficult to understand, because when you said "I have wondered / Why these people did these things", you never really gave any example of what these people did. All you told us was that the singer was put in rehab and the actress was arrested, but we don't know why, so we don't know if we're supposed to understand why you're wondering as well.
Overall, though, it was a cute idea. Good execution will come, have no fear.
Hope that cleared a few things up.
Peace, love, chocolate,
Muffin
First off, welcome to the YWS! I like this overall. The one thing I don't like that I would change is the repetition of the first two lines of the stanzas. Repitition is good in some cases, but I feel that this was too much. Sorry, I don't have any advice on revising but it's just my thought. Keep writing!
~Yoyo