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my last goodbye (redone)

by CrystalRose


Our soft lips collided, emotions cascading through my once youthful body. Unsteady heartbeats vibrated through my chest. Knots tightened in my empty stomach and oxygen grasped the lining of my lungs, knowing this kiss must be savoured. Frail bones knocked together like a xylophone, which echoed around the empty auditorium that was my rib cage. My mind was blank, concentrated only on the sweet, mellow kiss. My crystal blue eyes were wide awake studying the minute details of your face.

Your lips were soft and tasted like the rich golden honey, that we would have on oatmeal for breakfast. Your ancient face had seen generations. Wrinkles had sunk deep into your pale skin from the stress of war. Grey tufts of hair had emerged among the thickset eyebrows raised gently above your emerald eyes which hypnotized me; I was unable to look away. Coarse hair stood sadly upon your balding head. Our kiss had put me in a trance, i was unable to snap myself out of.

Your warmth left and my heart yearned to be connected with yours again. My weak arms struggled to reach for you, my fingertips managing to brush the rough exterior of your blazer before falling back onto the white sheets of the hospital bed.

Collapsing in synchrony my lungs let go, the slow rhythm of my heart coming to an end. Cancer had won its long battle and finally with a tear running down my wrinkled face, I closed my eyes. I laid limp upon the thin mattress of the hospital bed, the heart monitor beeped its monotone noise to signify my heart had stopped. My husband sobbed at the side of my bed grasping onto my bony hand. My last goodbye allowed me to be at peace. 


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17 Reviews


Points: 1011
Reviews: 17

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Sat Jul 06, 2019 6:06 pm
erinr05 wrote a review...



I think this piece is beautifully written. You did a great job expressing the emotions someone could feel in this situation.
There are a few places where you haven't capitalised "I", and a few extra commas. For example,

"Our kiss had put me in a trance (,) i was unable to snap myself out of."

Also, in the end, the perspective at the end shifts from "you" to "my husband". I'm not sure if this was intentional or not, and if it is, that's okay, but it seemed a bit odd when I read it.

I think the metaphors and imagery are amazing, though. I can't think of a better way to express the pain of losing a loved one, so well done for that. You're writing really is beautiful and emotional, can't wait for more :)




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84 Reviews


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Reviews: 84

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Sat Jul 06, 2019 5:22 pm
Daughter says...



Hello, there! I'm here to leave you a review!

This piece was touching and extremely descriptive. It flowed quite nicely with excessive detail and was pleasing to the eye. It captured the true essence of a peaceful transition into death; though saddening, I found it to be an enjoyable read.

There are a few techincal issues I'd like to cover, however, so let's start with those.

1. You were missing quite a few commas in places where they should have been. I'll provide a few examples here:

My crystal blue eyes were wide awake [missing comma] studying the minute details of your face.

Grey tufts of hair had emerged among the thickset eyebrows raised gently above your emerald eyes [missing comma] which hypnotized me;

Cancer had won its long battle and finally [missing comma] with a tear running down my wrinkled face,


There were also commas in places where they shouldn't have been. They cause your sentences to become a bit choppy and throw off the crucial flow of your piece.
Examples:
Your lips were soft and tasted like the rich golden honey[,] that we would have on oatmeal for breakfast

Our kiss had put me in a trance[,] i was unable to snap myself out of.


2. There were a few errors in terms of mantaining the capitalization. Ocassionally you'd leave a lowercase "i" or replace "I'm" with "i'm". If this was intentional, understood. If not, you may want to check over your work a few times for gramatical errors before you publish it. Some writers chose to ignore capitalization rules (including myself, on occasion) but the key is consistency as to not confuse your readers.

All in all, I enjoyed reading this. It has a gloomy feel, but I truly thought it conveyed the true pain of losing a loved one to cancer well. It really puts across that you've experienced this kind of feeling before, and you do a great job of putting it into words.

I can't wait to see what else you publish! Thank you for sharing.




Daughter says...


Sorry about publishing this twice! Ignore this one :)



User avatar
84 Reviews


Points: 8814
Reviews: 84

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Sat Jul 06, 2019 5:22 pm
Daughter wrote a review...



Hello, there! I'm here to leave you a review!

This piece was touching and extremely descriptive. It flowed quite nicely with excessive detail and was pleasing to the eye. It captured the true essence of a peaceful transition into death; though saddening, I found it to be an enjoyable read.

There are a few techincal issues I'd like to cover, however, so let's start with those.

1. You were missing quite a few commas in places where they should have been. I'll provide a few examples here:

My crystal blue eyes were wide awake [missing comma] studying the minute details of your face.

Grey tufts of hair had emerged among the thickset eyebrows raised gently above your emerald eyes [missing comma] which hypnotized me;

Cancer had won its long battle and finally [missing comma] with a tear running down my wrinkled face,


There were also commas in places where they shouldn't have been. They cause your sentences to become a bit choppy and throw off the crucial flow of your piece.
Examples:
Your lips were soft and tasted like the rich golden honey[,] that we would have on oatmeal for breakfast

Our kiss had put me in a trance[,] i was unable to snap myself out of.


2. There were a few errors in terms of mantaining the capitalization. Ocassionally you'd leave a lowercase "i" or replace "I'm" with "i'm". If this was intentional, understood. If not, you may want to check over your work a few times for gramatical errors before you publish it. Some writers chose to ignore capitalization rules (including myself, on occasion) but the key is consistency as to not confuse your readers.

All in all, I enjoyed reading this. It has a gloomy feel, but I truly thought it conveyed the true pain of losing a loved one to cancer well. It really puts across that you've experienced this kind of feeling before, and you do a great job of putting it into words.

I can't wait to see what else you publish! Thank you for sharing.





In three words I can sum up everything I've learned about life: it goes on.
— Robert Frost