Last goodbye

Hello CrystalRose! I'm here to review this short but very sweet piece. I'd like to start out by saying that your story was a beautiful love story about a cancer patient, which I can relate to since I have people with cancer in my family. Now let's go to the review.

First of, I do like detail, who doesn't. Detail is what makes a story a good story. But, with yours, I'm not too keen about it. It's more so the cliché-esk phrases you used. I get it, we all use heart fluttered and similar to that, but you were too cliché. You've got to come up with a better way to phrase what you're trying to explain. Green eyes like the ocean, could be different. You gotta make us see the eyes, imagine them in our minds. Cause from my point of view I see the ocean as blue, and you want us to see what you depict, so use a different way to show us what you want us to see. This was my biggest thing about your story, the cliché descriptions.

I make this mistake a lot in my writing where I tell and don't show, so I try to help others not do it cause it helps me too. You like to tell. My husband sat sobbing at the side of my bed holding my bony hand. (Also you wrote off instead of of) You told us that you have a bony hand, you have to show us this. It's just an example of the way you write throughout the whole story. It's a 'telling' story, which does not take away from how good it is. But as a reader we like to see what you see, so show us.

I like to tell my fellow writers to re-read what you wrote with fresh eyes the day after you finish with a piece. It give you a chance to see the mistakes and edits we see when we review your story. I do it too, it helps hella.

Anyway, amazing job dude. I loved the plot, it did make my dark heart feel things.


Nike

Talk about misleading the audience! Surprisingly I enjoyed it. You had great sentence structure and accomplished one of my greatest pet peeves. You had wonderful detail and description. I loved how you made her last moment happy for her when her husband was losing her until he too leaves the mortal realm. It really strikes my heart because so many people in my family have had cancer.

I absolutely love romance so I had to read this!
I adore your imagery, this piece is full of vivid detail which allows me as a reader to see the emotions of the character. It also made me feel very tearful as the starting of this piece was very positive and it ended negative- this is good because it really has an effect on the consumer. I can't wait to read more from you, it seems like you have a lot of potential

Hi, CrystalRose, it's Royal here for a quick review.

I'll be honest, I thought this piece was not living up to its potential so I wanted to come by and let you know how you might fix it.

Starting with replacing all of your "offs" with "ofs." Common typo, but very distracting.

First, my biggest pet peeve is the overuse of ellipses. You don't need those ellipses. Your writing speaks for itself. The ellipses are evidence that you don't trust your words to stand alone, but they do. Trust yourself to write well, and leave the ellipses for the middle of sentences rather than the ends. It's difficult to read when the voice in my head keeps trailing off.

Secondly, avoid clichés. "Your green eyes were like an ocean," or "whirlwind of emotion," "heart swooned," "butterflies filled my hollow stomach," and "My feelings raged on," are all phrases you could re-word to make them stronger. Maybe talk about the storm brewing in that ocean, the coming heartbreak. Tell us what that emotion in the whirlwind is, don't just say it's a whirlwind. Maybe relate the whirlwind to that storm, and generate a general feeling of coming doom, unease, discomfort, panic at a premature ending of something beautiful. Maybe instead of saying a heart swooned, which is a cliché, you could say the heart dropped to the stomach, and maybe then bring in the hollowness and perhaps the butterflies. I really hate using the phrase "butterflies in my stomach," when you could talk about the stomach taking on a persona or give it an action instead of making it the passive receptor of insects. Tell us what that raging feeling is. Maybe bring up the storm imagery again. I like your use of "stammered," in place of "hammered" in the previous sentence but "feelings raged on" totally ruins the moment. Maybe her love reaches out for him one last time, or maybe her panic consumes her in that moment but you have to tell us what that feeling is or we're left out of this exchange and we don't feel anything.

Thirdly. Let us in! You have told us that she's feeling something. In your next draft, you'll tell us what she's feeling. Then you'll have to SHOW us how she's feeling. Do her eyes widen? Do her hands try to stretch to him, only to fail feebly? What is she doing that manifests her emotions? Show us that. You can do it, you've already set up an incredible scene just by telling us what's going on. Now show us.

I love the last paragraph. Get rid of the ellipses and you're golden.

You're a great writer, you just need to avoid those clichés and show more than you tell. This is a good piece for your first one. When I was your age, I definitely did not write this well, so I'm proud of you. I hope you turn this into a series of short stories or poems or something, because I think you're really into this scene. I can tell you're really passionate about this idea. Keep writing, practice finding different ways to word clichés, and don't let a tough review like this one get you down. You're good at what you do. Get us inside these emotions, create an overall image that stays throughout the piece and connects each idea, guides us through this scene. Then you'll be great at what you do. Good luck!

Radrook here to provide a review and helpful suggestions. If I annoy it is unintentional. Just in case, apologies beforehand.

I found this poem about a woman on her deathbed enjoying her last kiss with someone she seems to love exceedingly interesting. The use of imagery conveyed her feelings convincingly. It made me as a reader imagine myself in her situation, striving to hold on to that lovely, final gesture while feeling myself slipping away. The beautiful thing about it is how you describe her appreciation for the moment even though her true love displayed the ravages of age, wrinkles, thinning and graying hair.

In short, it is a very emotionally moving scene which touches the reader deeply because it describes a moment that we will all have to face someday. Some of us suddenly and without a chance to delve on it as she did, but others able to ponder a lifetime and perhaps delve on the blessings of relationships that must suddenly come to and end.
Good job and looking forward to reading more of your work.

suggestions

I would have used "precious" instead of "luscious" because it seems to harmonize more with her appreciative mood.


Your lips[,] so soft[,] tasted like the rich, golden honey that we would have on toast or oatmeal,

....battle and finally[,]....

....the stress off war[.] [Y]ou never really did tan much.

the writing overall is a beautiful piece and quite descriptive making it easy for the reader to vividly imagine the scene going on in front of his/her eyes. there are however a few suggestions,
paragraph 1, line 1
"our soft lips collided" is enough, you need not put a "together" after the word , because you have already made it clear that its only the two of you participating in the act.
paragraph 2, line 3
I'd suggest you to change the the tense from simple past to past participle of the line, " you had dark brown eyebrows which had slowly began to turn grey", which means change the word "began" to "begun".
paragraph 3,
You started the short story in past continuous tense and went on to change from past continuous to simple past tense. I suggest you to continue with the same tense throughout the story. So either start with past continuous or use simple past tense in the whole writing.
Be careful with the capital letters as half of your "I"s, are in small case.
i do not mean to be overly critical, or disrespectful in any manner. The writing, if you ask me is very beautiful, raw, and in a sense the signification is in a sense perfect!

Hey, CrystalRose. Kanome here with a review. Let's get started, shall we?

NITPICKS:

Your lips so soft and tasted like the rich golden honey that we would have,on toast or oatmeal, for breakfast.