z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

Chapter 1: Encounter

by CrystalCore


The girl stood there on the ramp, her head lifted towards the stars as she hummed a soft melody. What was she doing at such time?:

-Good evening, I mumbled softly. She turned around revealing herself. She had a pale face that reflected the moons gaze. Catching a glimpse of this beautiful sight made my breath weather. She had chestnut eyes pulling towards a hazel green. Seeking desperately her eye contact, I swore I could have noticed a hint of sadness hidden behind her glistening jades. Her gold hair gently covered her shoulders.

-Its dangerous to be up there. You should be careful, you wouldn’t want to fall from this height. She offered me a warm smile.

-Its not like anything could happen to me. She lifted her hand to her chest. In fact I’m not alive anymore.

-What are you talking about, your presence right now if proof that you are wrong.

-But do you have any proof of that. She grinned. I wanted to explain my theory but something was holding me back from doing so. Instead I just stood there unable to say a word. There was a long pause. She turned around disappointed of my reaction. Maybe she was expecting me to have believe her or was she just unable to react to this situation. At that same moment she turned around.

-Just kidding. There was a second long moment of silence, I just didn’t get what she was doing. Was she making a fool of me?

-If this was a joke It really wasn’t a great one. The girl seemed amused as she clapped her hands to the rhythm of a new song she was singing. She stepped from side to side, dancing. Had she completely ignored my presence? Everything around us had seemed to have stopped. The noisy street that this was supposed to be was dead silent. Not a single being would dare disturb the moment. My attention was being all captivated by that one girl that I couldn’t get any sense out of. She stopped. She had stepped on her foot who has made her loose balance. Are eyes met unable to look away as her body slowly waved towards the edge. Slowly she fell towards the stream.

What was I supposed to do? What do you think I should have done? Its not like I had much of a choice at the same time. Obviously I rushed after her, I leaped over the side. I dashed through the current who was pushing me back with all its force. This vicious tiger wasn’t going to let me pass anytime soon without me having to fight my way through. I could hear her voice slowly fading into the waves. I grabbed her hand dragging her close towards my torso to insure myself not to loose her in these wild claws. Never the less I was the sporty type of a guy. Every morning it was my ritual to run to school. Somehow I found some peace in some jog that could seem as common as any other sport. I had practiced swimming at a young age, so this wasn’t much of a challenge but never would I have thought that a girl would be such a drag. Finally, exhausted we reached the rocks where I used my last forces to throw her onto the side. Seriously this girl was not much help. Also thinking that this was the first time I had met her. We laid on the side are hearts rapidly beating. Not even after catching are breath did I get any thanks from her, but instead to my surprised the young girl started laughing. I my eyes searched from side to side frankly trying to find something to laugh at. Nothing was there but the same old dark sky still staring down at us not flinching to any of what had just happened. I’m not sure what happened to me but all the sudden I started laughing. Its not like I wanted to laugh but I didn’t see the reason why I wouldn’t laugh. There was no reason for feasting over anything, the reason was unknown. Once in a while maybe its not such a bad thing to show how thankful we are of being able to live.

Time passed, slowly we managed to withdraw from this childish act. Silence one more fell other us. I was about to brake through the glass.

-What’s your name. The girl asked in the a low tone.

-Sean, I whispered back.


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Fri Oct 18, 2013 3:40 pm
TinkerTwaggy wrote a review...



Wow... I liked that! This girl seem very mysterious, and we actually still don't know her name. It is interesting to see how Sean reacts too: he seems hypnotized and at the same time doesn't understand what's happening.

I fairly enjoyed your narration as well, the way you introduce the mysterious girl, the way time seem to stop for Sean as he gets more and more into the action, or like when you compared the water to a tiger and the waves to the tiger's claws. Such a great example :D
I was really into the action, it's simple yet entertaining. Wow. The spiritual feeling is here for sure^^

Now, for the technical part, well, the reviews besides me covered it all: just improve for the better. Please warn me when the next chapter is up, I'm gonna keep an eye on this story ^-^

Keep writing, this was a nice piece of work.

~Shell Master Tortwag~




CrystalCore says...


thanx for reviewing ^^ if only i could get the spirit to write the next part :p



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Fri Oct 18, 2013 12:08 pm
NerdBird wrote a review...



There are quite a few spelling mistakes and unnecessary words as others have already pointed out but I was completely entranced by this.
Much like Sean by the sounds of it!
I'd like to see Sean taking more time to note every detail of this girl, not her just her eyes.
This could be the love of his life, he doesn't want to forget her lightly!
Describe more about this girl, perhaps add mannerisms with her speech as you have done with her clapping and dancing :)

The only nit-pick I have is the quick change from ledge to stream. Go into this more, so its less confusing.

Can't wait to read more! :)




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Wed Oct 09, 2013 4:25 pm
Messenger wrote a review...



The Knight Messenger here to review for KotGR.

The girl stood there on the ramp,

I love this whole line, but I think taking away the word, there, would help. Since we don't know where "There" is, it really doesn't help to put it there.

Its dangerous to be up there. You should be careful, you wouldn't want to fall from this height. She offered me a warm smile.

So, its need to be it's, and like Noelle pointed out, you need to put quotation marks. It's hard to read it easily with the dashes. Especially since you only have them at the beginning of the lines.

What are you talking about, your presence right now if proof that you are wrong.

Typo:) If should be is.

But do you have any proof of that.

You need to switch the period to a question mark.

She turned around disappointed of my reaction. Maybe she was expecting me to have believe her or was she just unable to react to this situation. At that same moment she turned around.

You have her turning around twice in this. Is she turning to him, and then back the other way?

The noisy street that this was supposed to be was dead silent.

Could I tell you how I think this would look better re-phrased.

"Even street below that was constantly noisy, was dead silent."
I think that flows better. It's up to you to change it.

There were a few more errors I saw, but I felt like I pointed out enough. You can look through and find the few I didn't show. Please don't take this as me bashing your story, I was not intending to do so.
Now for the good. :D I loved the way you started it out with an air of mystery, and when they fell in, I loved how you used the metaphor of a tiger to explain the water. Th claws, vicious attacks; it was all really cool. This seems like it could be quite an interesting story. Hope this all helped.
Keep it up!




CrystalCore says...


Maybe i should have reread my text before posting it ^^' sorry about all that. I'm sure that with this help i'll be able to find a few more errors but all you said already helped me a bunch. I'm happy you liked the tiger metaphor cause i was seriously wondering if i should have taken it out because it didn't sound right. This is gonna help me out a bunch i'm sure, i just need to find some free time to do it.
thankyou

aki



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Wed Oct 09, 2013 4:03 pm
Niraco wrote a review...



When I first started reading I really liked your opening line and the fact that you used a question too. Very effective. Like Noelle said you need to have quotation marks when having dialogue. I had to re-read many parts of the story so I knew the difference between dialogue and description.

When I was able to tell the difference between dialogue and description I really enjoyed it. I found myself being drawn towards this girl.

There were a few more mistakes such as using 'are' when I think you meant 'our'. You also used 'I my' in a sentence. Just simple mistakes that you perhaps over looked.

Lastly there seemed to not be an awful lot going on here. In fact I really don't know what the story is even about through this chapter alone. I'm not saying you should give everything away but I would have liked to have seen more.

Other than that I really enjoyed this world, I thought how you told it was very well done and I hooked on the words - when I could tell the difference, hahha. Really looking forward to see more. Well done and keep up the great work!




CrystalCore says...


thankyou for the help ^^ and don't you worry i got the story all figured out :p but if your expecting some action thats not whats gonna happen =.= I'm not even sure if that all thats gonna hapen in chapter 1. This is an idea i've had for quite some time now. I hope you'll be able to read the next chapter.



Niraco says...


Glad I could help :) I'll be sure to check out the next chapter



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Wed Oct 09, 2013 12:34 pm
Noelle wrote a review...



Hi there!

There's one thing in this that really stands out to me. You don't have any quotation marks around the dialogue. You put little dashes before each new person speaking, but that won't really work. What you really need is to put in quotation marks. That way it'll be easier for the reader to decipher between dialogue and the rest of the story. For example, here's one of your paragraphs of dialogue:

-Its not like anything could happen to me. She lifted her hand to her chest. In fact I’m not alive anymore.

Ok. Based on the pattern of dashes representing dialogue throughout the chapter here, I was led to believe that this whole sentence if dialogue. But after reading through it, I realized that the first sentence is dialogue, the second one is description, and the third one is dialogue. What you'll want to do is put quotation marks around the dialogue to keep it separate. It'll end up looking like this:
"It's not like anything could happen to me." She lifted her hand to her chest. "In fact I'm not even alive anymore."

See how that's easier to tell the difference between dialogue and description? So when you go through and edit, make sure to mark the dialogue with quotation marks.

Other than that, I really can't find anything wrong with this. Seriously. You've got two characters here, both which are developing well. Your descriptions are quite impressive; very detailed. Like this one:
She had chestnut eyes pulling towards a hazel green. Seeking desperately her eye contact, I swore I could have noticed a hint of sadness hidden behind her glistening jades. Her gold hair gently covered her shoulders.

The description of her eyes is really awesome. I don't think I've ever read such a specific description. And because of this description, I'm able to see her clearly in my head. Good job with that.

The other other thing I'd have to say about this is that there isn't much going on in this chapter. There's no setting description except for the ramp. I know that this boy sees this girl standing on this ramp and they have a conversation. But what is this boy doing here in the first place? What purpose does he have at this ramp? Hopefully these questions will be answered in the second chapter.

But overall I really think this is great. Work on incorporating the quotation marks around dialogue and really develop your characters and I think you'll have a great story here :)

Keep writing!
**Noelle**




CrystalCore says...


Thankyou so much for that comment !!! It really helped me out for several questions i've been asking myself (especially for dialogue). I'm not actually english and well i was writing in the french way and i guess it doesn't work :p To tell you the truth for the description i got all inspired for her eyes and then i just had this enormous blank: " how am i even supposed to describe her hair " and as you might have noticed the description doesn't go much further. I'll think about rewriting this and i'll write chapter 2 sometime soon. I really hope you'll be able to read it. Once again thankyou so much for this comment it really helped me out.

aki




I'm all in favor of keeping dangerous weapons out of the hands of fools. Let's start with typewriters.
— Solomon Short