Jett, a young Blakewood lad, has been playing his console for hours while his mother, on the other side of the door, has asked him to go to sleep. "Jett, put down your video game and go to bed," his mother advised. "Alright, mother, just five more minutes," he said, unaware that he'd be playing it until midnight. The mother returned with a sigh, knowing what would happen after his father bought the console. Jett is a frightened kid who can't get to sleep when he's afraid of something. As a solution to this problem, he used his father's bought console to distract himself. Jett's not knowing what the consequences of using it frequently will be, he will go through something even more terrifying than he can imagine.
One morning, his mother noticed Jett's eyebags and asked, "You seem tired; did you not sleep? Did you play that thing again?" Jett didn't say anything and ate his breakfast prepared on the table. The mother is concerned, then recalls something and said, "Oh wait, I think you should go out to refresh; I heard there's a Halloween Event going on in the park; you should go along with your friends." "I... don't think uh... will... "I'm fine... in the house," Jett refused, quivering. "Why not?" his mother queried. "You know how very much I'm afraid of that stuff... So no, thank you," he replied. "It's okay to be scared," Jett's mother said, "but don't let that fear control you." Jett's father then appeared and patted his shoulder. "That's right, a brave man is not one who does not feel afraid, but one who overcomes that fear." Jett was perplexed as he stared at them, so his mother came up with a sure-fire solution that his son couldn't refuse. "Alright, make a decision; either go to the park with your friends or stay in the house while I confiscate your console; you decide." Jett is stunned and is now in a bit of a pickle; if he refuses, he will be unable to sleep while thinking scary stuff; if he agrees, he will witness the manifestation of that scary stuff.
When night falls in the park where Jett and his friends are standing in front of a haunted attraction, one of his worried friends asks, "Are you sure about this?" Jett nodded anxiously. "You know we can back out, right?" insisted by another friend. "I don't have a choice; if I don't do this, my console will be seized, and I also need to face my fears, as my parents tried to say," he replied. His friends are now convinced, so they enter the place and starts to scream together as soon as the attraction begins.
As they leave the attraction, their bodies tremble, their breaths rasp, and their eyes wide and staring, they open their mouths to speak but can't say anything. "This... He.... Huh?" they notice Jett appears terrified than them, so they ask him if he's okay, but all they hear is muttering. "I shouldn't have come here," he said, clenching his fist and running aimlessly as his friends questioned where he was heading to. As he runs away, he clashes with someone wearing an old top hat and quickly apologizes. "Oh dear, are you okay?" the man asked gently as he cleaned his suit. Jett turned around when he heard his friends calling. The man smiled as he looked back at the park from which he had fled. "You should be careful, young man." "You can always run away from fear, but it will get you nowhere in the end." The man walks out and vanishes. Jett's friends catch up with him while he is still stunned after the man disappears completely without a trace.
Jett returned home, bewildered by what had happened earlier. His mother asked how it went, but he didn't respond and ran upstairs to his room, locking the door behind him. He was in a state of apprehension but what he was most concerned about was the person he met; he even forgot his face completely, as if it had vanished from his mind. He plays his console for numerous hours until he falls unconscious in order to forget those things. He wakes up in a bed and hears a voice say, "You're awake, not at all." It was a familiar voice he had recently heard. He tries to get up but is unable to; he begins to run out of breath, as if something is grabbing his throat and sucking his soul out.
A silhouette begins to appear in Jett's sight: a long, tall man with a top hat; it was the "Hat Man!" Jett tried to utter it, the man he met vaguely but couldn't say it like his mouth was asleep. "Nice to see you again," The Hat Man replied with a grim smile appearing in his face, as if he did hear what Jett said.
When he saw it, he was terrified: "Mother... Father... Help." Trying to call for help was futile. "Shhh... You might wake your parents up; if they find out you're awake, they'll scold you," The Hat Man sarcastically said. Jett could hear the ticking clock. His heart was pounding, and he felt as if something was crawling in his chest, being choked by his own breath. "I'm sorry, but this is my job," The Hat Man said as he witnessed Jett's state. He struggled to regain control of his body, twisting and turning, struggling, and gasping for air. Jett felt a sensation he'd never felt before—a traumatic feeling that will be engraved into anyone's mind as soon as they encounter it—a near-death experience.
He wondered if he wouldn't be able to wake up again, hoping for the night to be over. He breaks through it after a long struggle and perseverance, getting up while trembling and sweating profusely. "Who are you?" Jett asked The Hat Man with a raspy voice. He joyfully clapped and purposefully changed the subject. "Wow! I'm amazed; you actually did it, but I was going to personally stop it." "Who are you?!?" Jett exclaimed. "Who do you think it is?" The Hat Man approached Jett, lifted his chin, and said, "I'm a force of nature; I only appear to people like you who have ignored their duty to maintain their one and only life." "Huh?" Jett was puzzled by his reasoning, he turned back and gazed at Jett intently. "Don't get me wrong, I'm not here to scare you; I'm here to warn you!" The Hat Man clarified.
When they heard someone walking downstairs, Jett attempted to shout but was muted and paralyzed once more. "Nice try, but it's pointless; I'm still not done with you," The Hat Man said creepily. "Why should you be afraid of trivial things like demons, ghouls, or monsters lurking beneath your bed?" he asked as someone walked upstairs. "If you keep doing what you've been doing, you'll eventually come to a dead end, no matter how hard you try," as the door knob turned repeatedly as someone tried to enter. "Fear me not for my appearance, but for what I could have done. Hahahahaha..." As he faded through the darkness, the Hat Man laughed menacingly.
After the click of the lock, it was his mother who had opened the door. She approached his son, who was drenched in sweat, without hesitation. "Are you okay?" "What happened to you?" Jett was unfazed, crying as he hugged his mother. "Did you have a frightening nightmare?" his mother inquired. Jett nodded as his mother comforted him by rubbing his back. "It's okay, everything will be fine," she said. He relaxed and fell asleep, as if what had happened earlier was just a dream. Was it just a bad dream, or was it something more? Jett doesn't want to know, or doesn't want to see it again; all he wants is to sleep soundly.
Jett became less afraid of things after the incident because he learned how to fight fear the hard way. Jett straightened himself out by limiting his video game period, going outside frequently, eating healthy foods, and sleeping at the appropriate times. In adversity, he smiles, draws strength from it, and grows brave through reflection. The near-death experience moved and persuaded him profoundly, though it felt more like a lifetime experience.
The End.
(This is my first attempt at writing a genuine short story with its key elements, so any feedback would be greatly appreciated so that I can keep on improving it. After all, I need to submit a three-page story to my professor, who has assigned us to write our own short story.)
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Hello and welcome to the site! You're going to love it here <33
I, @Thediffident am now going to review your interesting piece!
I really liked how you explained a simple message: running away from your fears will never do you any good with such a good and interesting plot. Your writing style was great and the words you used here were simple and to the point. Great work!
I loved the way you addressed the growing problem of addiction here. This can also be a mere example of how one problem (fear) leads to another (addiction). Great work!
This is just a suggestion, but instead of writing "Jett's not knowing", you can write "Jett does not know". Both of these are grammatically correct but I feel that the one I suggested would be more suitable for the above context.
Loved the way you portrayed the parents in such a relatable way. Most of the parents, when concerned for their kids try to give them a little push by giving them tough choices and ultimatums which in this case, did helped the child later. Bravo!
I suggest changing this sentence to- "one of his friends asked him if he was sure about this out of worry" or "one of his friends asked him if he was sure about this with a worried expression on their face".
I adore the character and the personality of Hat Man. He
seems creepy and his ways are definitely not civil but the reason for his visit even though seemed scary but also proved to be a good one for the kid. If it weren't for him, the kid would've never gotten better and would've probably suffered from sleep deprivation and sickness.
This story can also be seen as a dream where the hat man was just a figment of Jett's imagination and nothing more since dreams come from bits of reality and he did see a man with a similar appearance. But in any way you interpret this, the story is still amazing and fun to read!
Another thing I'd like to suggest is writing the dialogues with a line break or maybe with a different font to make it easier for the reader to maintain a flow while reading your piece.
(P.S.Please keep in mind that my suggestions are just what I think will make this piece better and feel free to not use them if you feel like they won't work. Please feel free to reach out if you have any questions about this review or would like another one.)
I loved reading your amazing and interesting piece and I look forward to reading and reviewing more of your work!
Love, Andy.
Hello! Welcome to the Young Writers Society, I hope you're doing well!
This was a great story with a tight moral. I really enjoyed the simplicity of it, and it was immensely satisfying to see Jett's personal arc. While he was a flawed character, he was still incredibly sympathetic! As the reader, I was rooting for him the whole way through.
The mom's character was especially great! I liked how she was there for her son and supported him through a tough time. It was incredibly wholesome stuff, especially the ending!
A small nitpick, remember that when a new character speaks, there should be a paragraph break! For example, here-
-should be two paragraphs instead of one. It helps distinguish who is speaking at any given time, and provides clarity to your text!
However, aside from that minor formatting issue, this was a really solid short story! I didn't even mention the Hat Man, who was suitably creepy! (Haha, pun!) All in all, you did a really fantastic job with this! I hope to see more short stories like this from the future! Once again, welcome to the site, and have a great night!