Attack

Suddenly not feeling your arm or hand is such an odd feeling. You can move each digit and bend the elbow but it feels like nothing except for a foggy sludge to best describe it.

Having lips that buzzed that matched the static in your left leg all the way down to your toes was odd too. I tried to explain it to the staff but it was like my tongue like my left arm and fingers also had no sense of touch.

And it’s a peculiar thing to realize how blessed you were when you had both functioning eyes. Now I could only see the world through one. Not that my eye was removed, but I simply couldn’t see out of it. It was just black with ripples of color, almost like a faint wisp to better describe it. The color would never stay, just come and go randomly in a very unpredictable way. It startled me at first to think I was seeing things only to remember there was no possibility I could right now.

But regardless if I had one or no eyes, I didn’t want to see anything. Even with my eyes closed it still felt like the dimmed luminous lights above me in the emergency room was instead a flashlight directly shine inches from my face. The doctors and nurses tried to work around my sudden needs and sensitivity, even taking a break from discussion when I told them their whispers were like shouting but far away at the same time though they were right in front of me.

I told myself it’s just an adrenaline rush. Your brain is so focused on sight and hearing that it’s too tired to feel or move half your body. But I know that was a childish thought. My disorder had taken another trip on my life, the second time this month and it was only the 11th. Another Hemiplegic migraine had taken over my body like a stroke.

There wasn’t anything they could do to alleviate the excruciating headache or the constantly pressure behind my eyes. They could only brace me letting me know, “once your body calms down, you will have the worst headache of your life”. Though, how is one supposed to brace for that kind of pain I always wondered? How does an expecting mother brace for birth of her first child? You simply cannot brace yourself, you can only expect the attack.

My specialist was not thrilled to hear another trial drug had yet failed again to save me from my random attacks my body did against me. And I was not thrilled to hear I would receive a follow up to discuss another plan of action with yet another, different colored pill and shot. Why must my body be so cruel like this? An hour ago I was driving and then I pulled over as my vision faded in an out and my fingers went numb. Now here I was 6:32 at night when I should be eating dinner, having a migraine attack.

It was a cop who brought me to the hospital. Originally he had pulled up behind me for aggressive lane changing only to see the medical bracelet on my wrist and recognize I was having a severe medical episode where if I had not reacted faster could had led to a multi vehicle crash on the interstate.

I think I fell asleep in his cruiser on the way to the hospital. These attacks always wore me out and it was more common for me to lose consciousness now. But I remember the sound of sirens and trying to tell him blue was my favorite color but my mouth had gone numb and it sounds like a drunken slur instead.

He was still here actually. He was outside the room on the phone with his supervisor, I could hear his deep voice as he explained his situation. He was kind. He didn’t need to help me but he did.

I remembered something just then as I watched him as I cracked open my working eye that was now being coming slowly blotted with auras overtaking the limited vision I had left. He had told me on the ride that his son dealt with a chronic migraine disorder too.

At least someone could understand I had thought. Not the officer, no he could only understand care and the physical outside appearance of my situation. But his son, his son knew what it was like to have a sudden thread of fear piece you like a bullet when you realize you are no longer in control and you only have a few seconds to act. He understood the medical appointments and medicines, the constant worry, the plan b for the day you make in the morning in case you have an episode. The cruel unpredictable your life worked around. Yes, his son understood.

I tried to move my arm and realized it was now too heavy. Heavy and numb like laughing gas gives you at the dentist but nothing at all funny. No one was laughing. Everyone was staring waiting for my body to “wake up” and me to come back.

It’s an odd thing, being a soul in a body and not the person in control of it.