"For god's sake she's only a friend," I said standing with disbelief to the girl I loved. "how many times do I have to say it Kim, she's a friend!"
Tears rolled down her face like she couldn't stop them. Dead sobs came from the back of her throat, heck, sounded like they were straight from here heart.
"I don't want to talk about it Ben." She held in her left hand a coffe cup, while he right stretched across her body to envelop her left shoulder, as though it could use a friend. "I saw what I saw, and it doesn't make a difference. My eyes don't lie, and I hope to god neither do yours."
I stood there with an odd silence, slowly tapping my foot. And I wish my foot would stop. No matter what the circumstance, my god damn foot had to move, wether it's out of frustration or anxiety, it just tapped. I sometimes wish it would grow a pair of ears so I could yell into it, "Shut up!"
She sighed right before I was about to, but I held mine back. I didn't want it to seem like I was mocking her, and that would make things seemingly worse.
"Ok, I'm sorry Kim. I didn't know it would offend you. I simply bumped into her, and we hadn't seen each other in so long, I--" She cut me off before I could finish.
"Ben! I told you what I saw!" She wiped away a tear. "You were in a coffee shop, sitting with a girl, sipping coffee. I didn't know what the hell you were doing, who the hell she was, or why the hell you were doing it. You don't know what it feels like. Then you stood up, said your goodbyes, and from the other side of the window I saw you hug and quickly kiss goodbye."
That hurt. It wasn't like I had a chance at explaining anything to her. She just seemed broken. I tried to explain it to her the previous night, but I was forced to sleep on the couch, in my own appartment. She wouldn't listen no matter what. And damn did it hurt.
"Kim, I," I paused. "Let me say something. That girl was Maddie, a girl I met in college. She was a good friend of mine."
As I said this she sipped at her coffee. I was assuming it was chilled at this point, mine was much more past that. We'd been sitting here for an hour, going on an extra half, and couldn't split an agreement down the middle.
"Ben, I don't care who it was. I have to go to work anyways." She stood up, walked by me while wiping tears, and began to get ready.
My day went on, slowly and painfully. Lunch was bland. Friends were duller than their jokes. Everything was lacking any shape or form of zeal. I finally began my trip home, and as I pulled into my appartment my girlfriend's car wasn't there. She got out of work an hour before me, so it felt like a punch to the gut. I walked into my appartment, and looked around. Her stuff was gone. My closet was now mine, not ours. My bathroom was now mine, not ours. I didn't think it would hurt her so bad, me seeing an old friend.
I was stupid, not to tell her who I saw. Maybe things would have been straight if I came home and told her who I bumped into. But no, idiot me decided it was all cool, because I had no clue my girlfriend was watching from the other side of a window reflecting the sun.
Soon she called and told me why she left, and I told how I had found it out on my own. That killed the conversation.
Everything was gone. Everything we had was gone, but I saw on the table a lonely mug, looking back at me. I walked over. I picked it up with tears in my eyes. I held it and looked at it with shame and a void in my life. I looked inside it. Don't ask why, I just did. One drop of coffee was left in that big white mug.
Everything we had was god damn gone, but that last drop of coffee.
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
Thanks for the reviews! ^^
Yeah, I read the few mistakes, and this was meant to be a rough draft, basically. I will post a revised up-to-date version soon enough!
Hello. I love the story. Besides the mistakes everyone points out, I love it because if you have been in the situation mentioned it is easy to understand everything. You speak as if you have been there and whether you have or not does not really matter. Anybody who has been in a relationship, most of the time, can understand what you are talking about. It is wonderful and I applaud you. Thanks for the great story.
This was a sad story, but nicely written! There were a few spelling and grammatical errors.There could be a more... i dunno... umph! to it. i guess I pretty much liked most of it, though, to me, the ending was bit weak.
But other than that, this short story was pretty good.
Keep writing!
>_<♥
The story was okay. You had a problem, so there was some form of plot. The problem is, as Story Weaver mentioned, the readers don't have a reason to care. Give them that and that should solve 50% of the problems. I know that's easier said than done. For this story I noticed that by time I understood the characters' problems, it was over. I had no time to relate with them. Perhaps, starting the story earlier would help, maybe at the point Kim confronts him or just before to show their relationship and give us some time to undertsand them.
There were some awkward sentences and grammar errors that distracted from the story. Read it out loud and you'll see what I mean.
You have an interesting style. It falls flat at some parts, but at other it shines (such as the last sentence). Keep at it.
Well, okay, so this was alright. There were grammar mistakes here and there and sentences that could've been worded better (there were some that I have to read and reread a couple of times to understand what you we saying). My problem is that we really don't get to care a lot about these characters; we're thrust into an argument, then torn away from the girl, so we really don't get to see the initial chemistry and feel disappointed that the relationship's ending. Instead we just think, "Okay...so what?" As readers, we just have no reason to emotionally invest ourselves in this story, and that is key. With a story so short, it's usually best to have a good pace and keep the punches coming. Give us heavy-hitting truth after heavy-hitting truth, or wind up until we have some sort of twist at the end. This wasn't poorly-written, but it wasn't something (in my opinion) that people will take a lot of emotional stock in. To make a break-up matter on paper, we have to see the life they had before, so that we feel as though something's being lost, and don't just have that sensation described by the character.
Ohh, this story made me sad
(( Really wonderful written, congratulations! But I saw few spelling and grammar errors, especially in paragraph three. It's just a friendly reminder for you to improve them. For example, you have said ." She held in her left hand a coffe cup". But it should be "She held a coffee cup in her left hand."
Really nice and tragic story, I am looking forward to read your other works.