These eyes burn with the salty sun
That hovers above the desert rough;
Not like fire yet, but close enough!
There remains much work to be done.
We would all know better, that work
Can be done ever so much faster
Not waging war with sleep or liquor,
Yet here we toil -- Fatigue our master.
Of a sudden, the world goes dark,
My muddled thoughts rush to meet
These nauseating, aching hands and feet.
Fatigue's dull brand makes its mark.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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HEELLO crimson quill,
I may or may not have also reviewed someone named golden quill? Eheh totally random, sorry. Back to your poem about fatigue.
I enjoy reading short poems that get to the point and, most preferably, those that rhyme. You did a nice job here. I envy the way you seem to be able to rhyme without trying- when I write poems, the rhyming words seem off. Also thank you for keeping this poem short. Readers are in a hurry and like reading poems that take less time but have a lasting memory in their heads.
"Of a sudden the world goes dark." When you overdo it, you faint. Your limbs can no longer hold you up and your tired, you just want to go to sleep- and maybe never wake up.
"Fatigue's dull brand makes its mark." Like I said, you either fall into a deep sleep...or you die of fatigue.
Most poems these days are about love and loss and such. Fatigue is a unique topic, which attracts curious readers wanting a taste of something new.
Don't overdo it,
Night Kaizer
The bit about fatigue's brand is referring to the visible signs of fatigue and sleep deprivation -- like sunken eyes, gaunt cheeks, etc. I've been over that part a few times and have yet to find a better way to do it, unfortunately.
I'm glad you liked it! Thanks for your comments.
Also, GoldenQuill happens to be my wife (the OG 'Quill').
ZeldaIsShiek here for another review on some fantastic realistic poetry! Today I have nothing to say regarding the format or prose of the poem, so let's hop right in!
First of, I'd like to clearly state that I really enjoyed reading this poem. It was a brilliant blend of suspense and mystery. I thought that the only thing you could add to it is a bit of theme, as a lot of it does not make sense together as one poem, but I did understand the underlying theme of exhaustion, as hinted at by stating "there is much work left to be done" and stating that your hands and feet are "nauseating...aching".
I'm not usually picky with poems like this, but when there are almost no errors at all within the writing itself, I have no choice but to bring out the old "BAD GRAMMIR ERMG!!!!" stuff. The only grammatical error I could find was that "all of a sudden" should be "all of the sudden", but it is a very common mistake.
That's all I have to say! I really enjoyed this poem, and I look forward to seeing many more written by you in the future I am notified about by this FOLLOW I am giving you!
*you follow @CrimsonQuill*
+10 XP
your LV increases
you are now LV 2
NOO I WAS ON PACIFIST! Whatever, I'll just reset again. AGAIN!
-ZeldaIsShiek
Thanks so much for the review! I'm glad you enjoyed it.
Mostly for your own purposes, really, I just wanted to point out that while 'all of the sudden' is quite common nowadays, it's actually the more incorrect form. My, ah, archaic form is typically considered the more "correct", but really I don't particularly care. If you want to dive deep into the history and various arguments surrounding it, feel free -- here's an article I drummed up out of curiosity after reading your comment!
I guess I'll go ahead and post that riddle I was halfway done with, then.
Okay!
Hello, CrimsonQuill, I'm here to review your poem.
I always like to read rhyming poems. Many of the poems here on this site (including the ones I post) are free verse, and it feels refreshing to find some rhymes here.
But with the rhyming poems I review, I usually find some awkward moments throughout the poem.
For example,
really feels off. It actually confused me quite a bit, and I think you'll have to work on it.
I like the end of the first stanza though, especially the irony that no matter how tired the narrator is, they have to still work.
The last line of the second stanza also confused me:
"Hold"? I think there could be a stronger word.
At the end, my guess is that the narrator fell asleep at last, succumbed to "Sleep". I thought it was a great way to end the poem, except I didn't really like "Blood's weary hands". It felt...out of context.
Overall, I liked your portrayal of extreme exhaustion. The rhyme scheme of your poem also was well-matched and relatively clean, but it could be definitely improved by tweaking the lines a little.
Have a great day!
Princess Ink
Thankyou for the review!
I'll go over it again.
Yeah, that first bit you mention did break the flow quite a bit
Yeah, it wasn't clear with 'hold' either... Hmm. I'll think about it. Not sure what it needs to be yet, but I'll find it!
"Blood's weary hands" was not clear at all, but it was meant to refer to the gaunt look under one's tired eyes that is usually caused by the blood vessels under the skin. I'll see if I can find a better way to say that.
I'm glad you liked it! I'll polish it up a little more.
Thankyou for the review!
I'll go over it again.
Yeah, that first bit you mention did break the flow quite a bit
Yeah, it wasn't clear with 'hold' either... Hmm. I'll think about it. Not sure what it needs to be yet, but I'll find it!
"Blood's weary hands" was not clear at all, but it was meant to refer to the gaunt look under one's tired eyes that is usually caused by the blood vessels under the skin. I'll see if I can find a better way to say that.
I'm glad you liked it! I'll polish it up a little more.