Tick, tock.
Rounded marbles softly shatter,
Watching kin hurtling to meet
Their near Doom with gentle clatter;
Mindless, heedless, they go to greet
Their journey's end, their lives a-scatter.
Tick, tock.
Droves rush rampant, far from home,
Unseeing, no one catching breath.
Unafraid, undeterred, they all roam
Ever on towards their dire Death,
Watched all around their dwelling dome.
Tick, tock.
What are we?
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139,305 Literary Works • 672,528 Reviews
Heyo! Silverberry here for a review! May I say that I really like this poem, it was written really well and you used wonderful words to add to the rush of it and the "tick tock" really brought it all together. I'm impressed that you added rhyme without it sounding too forced, and I think it really added to the poem and made it flow so much better. The bold "tick tocks" were a nice addition, for it added a small pause between the stanzas. Very nice overall.
the last line here sound a little choppy. The lines above it are a little more connected, which makes this one sound a little awkward. I think simply adding a pronoun will connect it a little better so there isn't an odd pause.Since this is a review and I'd like to help you make this poem even more perfect, I'd like to start by pointing out some areas where the line was a little awkward.
Just in general I find myself wanting more after every stanza, especially because of your rhyme scheme. Since your last line in the second stanza is more dramatic and ominous, I would suggest adding a line similar to it that "completes" the rhyme scheme and matches the feeling of the last line. For the second stanza, I would suggest saying more about this dome that the birds are in and how they are being watched. Of course if you chopped the last line off on perpise that's alright, but I just found that the stanzas ended a little abruptly.
Finally, I would simply suggest more alliteration. You definitely have it in, but I'd add more. I know this is picky, but since now that I see that you can do it, I think you should add more for it will add even more so it flows even quicker.
Overall wonderful poem! You have a very dramatic tone and wonderful adjectives and descriptions in general. The whole work was very well done, and it was an interesting view to take. Very unique. I hope I helped and keep writing!
Thank you very much! I'm glad you like it. I used to write scores of riddles similar in form to this in some forums I frequented years ago. Glad I still have the knack... I used to be able to hammer them out pretty quickly, but this took a little while.
Rhyme is my life. I am always looking for rhymes, to the point it annoys people I speak to on occasion! Thanks for the rhythm suggestion as well -- I think I can call that fixed for now, but that section might need to be reworded entirely.
What did you mean about completing the rhyming scheme? I had it more or less that the five lines would be rhyming in two distinct parts (two lines would rhyme, and the other three would, alternating) -- would a sixth line function better, in your opinion?
Alliteration, eh? Hmm. I'll look into it. It always seems difficult for me to balance -- often I either use too little, or far too much. (I mean, remember that "Tiny Tim tiptoed through the tulips." thing at all? We were taught it in like kindergarten or first year, I think. I quickly decided it wasn't sufficient, and it became "Teeny Tiny Tim tiptoed tepidly through the taupe tulips, trying to trick the terrible tiger." I was pretty proud of that when I first came up with it, heh.)
Final thing -- it was, as I alluded to earlier, a bit of a riddle. Let me know if you can guess the subject.
Anyway, thank you so much!
Hello friend! Kitty here!
First off, I absolutely loved how you emphasized "Tick, tock" each time, I thought it was a nice touch. It gave it a large, "bold" (see what I did there ;p ), meaning. I thought it was a nice poem that could be put in perspective a few different ways. It was creative and and deep, as well as meaningful. I also enjoyed the use of vocabulary, which set the mood in a way which I felt better portrayed the message. This poem made me think, and the best poems always do. I enjoyed reading this poem, even as I found it a bit sad. The poem was a thoughtful one. Wonderful, beautiful job.
I look forward to reading more from you!
All the best,
Your friend Katrina Kimberly
P.S. I also found that the capitalization of "Doom" and "Death" gave your poem a certain dramatic touch. Beautiful!
Thank you very much!
Wonderful poem, indeed!