Young Writers Society

Hi, CreativelyWritten! Pan dropping in for a quick review. As this is so short, I'm going to take this paragraph by paragraph and make comments as I go.

“Goddammit!” I spit angrily. I'd been tagged and I can tell you I wasn't happy about it. Not one bit. Being tagged was bad news, especially if you were wanting to stay away from the masses. I stared down at the body in disgust. It'd been dead for maybe a day or two – tops – but it was still rotting. And it smelled. The flag depicting a black crown attached to his chest was a cruel joke.

1) I like that you open with the dead body - as an idea and concept, it makes for an interesting start, as do the allusions to being 'tagged'. I'm getting a strong sense of voice from the narrator; I get an immediate sense of their personality. Nice variation of sentence structure, as well.

2) You don't need to specify that they're speaking angrily; the anger is already obvious from the fact that they're saying 'goddamnit', and from the fact that they're spitting the word out.

3) The bit in red is too obviously expository. Yes, this is a short piece, so I get that you're trying to fill the reader in and make sure they understand what's happening, but it's too cumbersome. I don't like to feel the narrator talking right at me and holding my hand. I think it would make for a much more interesting opening if you just got straight to talking about the corpse. You can mention them being tagged, of course, because that's a really intriguing part of the piece, but don't labour the point too much or it starts to feel false.

4) 'The flag depicting a black crown attached to his chest was a cruel joke' feels a bit clunky to me. There's too much going on in it. Maybe separate you could separate it into two sentences like this:

A flag was stuck to his chest, depicting a black crown. A cruel joke.

Just a suggestion, of course. Completely up to you.

My footsteps echoed through the room. No need to close or open any doors seeing as it didn't have any. Most buildings went without after the explosions. We were living in a post-apocalyptic world. “Rudy!” I waited a few minutes but he didn't answer back. “Rudy!” I yelled louder while climbing the exposed metal to our makeshift second floor. He was there and engulfed in some project as usual. “Rudy,” I get right in front of him before he looks up. “Didn't you hear me calling?” My eyes narrow at him.

1) Don't outright tell us that the characters are living in a post-apocalyptic world. Let us work that out from your descriptions of the environment, from the behaviour of your characters. Like I said before, try not to be too heavy handed with your exposition. The reader is smarter than you think. If you lay the clues for them, they will work out a lot on their own.

2) Make sure you start a new paragraph when someone new speaks.

3) Watch your tenses towards the end of this paragraph. As you can see from the bolded verbs, you shift into present tense from past. Make sure you pick one tense and keep it consistent.

He blinks as if confused for a few seconds. “No, I didn't. I'm sorry but man you have got to check out what I found! It's-”

“I'm sorry Rudy but I don't have time to listen to your geek talk right now.” For a moment he looks hurt but his eyes widen at my next words. “We've been tagged.”

“Shit,” he whispers. I can only nod. “Don't go.” He replies immediately.

1) In conversation, a few seconds is a long, long time. You don't need to specify how long he blinks for.

2) I like the relationship between the two of them. The narrator seems the harsher of the two, whereas Rudy has a more innocent, naive outlook. It seems like a kind of elder/younger brother relationship, which are always interesting to explore.

3) This bit really ramps up my interest. It pushes the question of what tagging is and where the narrator might intend to 'go'.

4) When a character addresses someone by name or a substitute for a name, remember that you have to put a comma before it. Example:

"Come downstairs, Katie."

Because the speaker is addressing Katie, Katie's name is separated from the rest of the clause with a comma. Why do we do this? Because it helps eliminate confusing ambiguity in sentences like this:

"Will you help out Daniel?" = Asking someone if they will help Daniel out.

"Will you help out, Daniel?" = Asking Daniel if he will help out.

The comma indicates that someone is being addressed; the lack of comma indicates that the name is an object of the sentence. Now, there are lots of sentences where you don't have to worry about this kind of ambiguity; if you wrote "Come downstairs, Katie" without the comma, the meaning would still be pretty clear. Nevertheless, you should still put the comma in for the sake of consistency. If someone is being addressed, the name needs separating.

Therefore, your dialogue should be written like this:

“I'm sorry, Rudy, but I don't have time to listen to your geek talk right now.”

I scoff at his words. “You know I have to! The only way to avoid the games is if we run. But where are we going to run to? We have connections here. For food, for your gadgets, and most importantly for protection. We've got allies around here, Rudy. You know that as well as I do.” He doesn't look happy about it but he nods. Of course, he isn't happy. There's nothing good about the games. It means I will be a tool for The Ebony Kings – the ruling clan in this area. Well, that is if I won. If I lost then I'd just be dead.

While I'm interested in the ideas discussed in this paragraph, my issue with it on the whole is the same one I've mentioned before - it's too obviously expository. In order to convey information to the reader, you're having the narrator talk about things that both he and his brother are already fully aware of. As such, it feels like your characters know I'm listening, which pulls me out of the story.

You need to act like the reader isn't there. The analogy I often use is that of stage actors; when someone is performing in the theatre, they don't look at the audience. They act as if they don't exist. Obviously, the actor is still intensely aware of the people watching them, but they give the impression that they and their costars are the only ones in the room. A writer has to do the same thing. You're laying out a scene for your reader; you're guiding them through it. But you can't act like you're aware of them or they'll suddenly remember they're reading a story, ruining the immersion. It's a tricky balance to get, but an essential one.

My advice is to just tell the story as if no one is listening. Don't think about the reader too much; don't worry yourself thinking about whether things are clear or if they can follow the plot. Just tell the events as they unfold and you'll often find that the reader can work out what's happening quite easily. Also remember that readers don't mind if they can't quite understand something. That's where the intrigue comes from. We don't have to know everything off the bat. I always like flash fiction that leaves a lot of unanswered questions; it is supposed to just be a snapshot, after all.

So, in summary, I feel like the piece and overarching idea have a lot of potential, but you need to ensure you don't spoonfeed the reader all of the information. Trust them to work it out for themselves. Once you've cracked that, you'll be on track for writing really exciting, immersive narratives.

Keep writing!
~Pan

Hey there!

First, let's get the nitpicks out of the way:

especially if you were wanting to stay away from the

This wording ruins your flow and just feels funky, try wanted instead.

No need to close or open any doors seeing

Try added something like There was at the beginning of this, to make your transition from one sentence to another smoother.

“Rudy!”

The first time your character yells should be the start of a new paragraph.

I'm sorry but man you have got

Add a comma between the bolded words.

This is nice, short, but you give the reader a whole load of information. One thing that is missing is the main character's name, of course when a story is this short that's not always important, but giving characters names helps a reader remember your story later. I also suggest you add a bit more description of the character's surroundings. Even if this is short that bit of imagery could be helpful to the reader.

Thanks for the nice read. I hope this review is helpful to you in your writing endeavors.

Sláinte -Junel