A layer of snow lay neatly on the ground, glinting in the bleak sunlight that shone through the leafless trees as a young girl who looked 9 walked up towards her school. The snow crunched loudly underneath her small feet with every step she took.
The girl’s name was Eris and today was the day that would change her life forever.
The day went unnaturally smooth for someone like her. Eris’s teacher seemed to be extra nice and didn’t assign a lot of homework and the homework she did get was easy enough to be completed in class.
Everything was going great until lunchtime came around.
She walked over to take a seat next to her best friend, Kaolin, carrying her small tray of food. The cafeteria was pretty average, one that you would expect to see in an elementary school except one thing.
3 guards with huge guns stood on each side of the double doors Eris and so many others walked through, protection against the Unwanted in case they decided to come back.
The Unwanted are people different from society, People with supernatural abilities.
“Is it just me or is today going really good?” Eris asked Karolin, taking a small bite of her sandwich.
Karolin frowned at her tray, playing with her own food.
“It’s just you.” She remarked, picking up a carrot and eating it. “Today’s been awful.”
But Karolin gave Eris a small smile. Eris laughed and opened her milk when suddenly a weird sensation started in her arm then radiated down into her hands.
That was when the unthinkable happened. Her open carton of milk was boiling in the palms of her hands! She dropped the milk, spilling it everywhere on the floor but by then it was too late.
Kaolin was the first to see the carton boil and let out a shriek loud enough to make everyone in the cafeteria turn around. Eris stared down at the floor, her heart racing and her eyes wide with fear. The milk was still boiling, smoke steadily rising from it and into the air.
She was about to run when a guard caught her by the arm. “You’re coming with me.” He spat, his grip growing tighter and tighter until Eris couldn’t take it anymore.
Eris screamed loudly then to her surprise the same feeling that had faded came back even stronger.
“No!” She cried, trying her hardest to pry the man’s hand off her arm. “Let me go!”
As soon as Eris’s hand touched the guard’s sleeve, it immediately burst into flame.
The guard let out a undersized, shocked yell and broke his grip, cursing as he tried to put out the flames. The other guards tried to grab Eris but they stopped when they saw what happened.
That gave 9 year old Eris the perfect opportunity to make a run for it and escape out the same double doors she had been through so many times….
Fern, an 18 year old, was slowly walking down the street and despite the increasing cold of the day she didn’t shiver which hardly ever happened for she had the power of cold and ice in her own hands.
She looked up lazily at the sky and quickly took note of the pale clouds that were covering the sky which clearly meant it was going to snow.
Fern was about to turn back home, when a scream and the hard thud of footsteps that came behind it broke the dull silence and caught her attention. She whipped around to see a young girl being chased by guards from the direction of the elementary school. They were on her heels like a pack of wolves and closing in fast.
Fern’s eyes widened even further when she realized she was standing directly in their way.
The girl who was being chased bumped into her, almost topping Fern over. It was Eris…
“Please! Help me!” She sobbed, instinctively wrapping her arms around her tightly. “Please!”
Fern broke her gaze away from the girl in time to see that the guards were still coming at the same speed. She shortly realized they weren’t going to stop anytime soon.
“Stay beside me.” She whispered to the girl. “And keep quiet.”
The girl nodded her eyes huge with fear and her arms were still wrapped around Fern.
The guards ran up to them. “What do you think you’re doing?” One of them demanded, staring down at Fern with undisguised rage. “That girl belongs to us.”
He was bigger than Fern and had an ugly scar on his cheek underneath his hard gray eyes.
Fern didn’t flinch. She had seen people that looked way worse than him. Then unexpectedly an idea came to her.
“This girl is my sister.” She said firmly, the lie coming out with ease as she looked the guard directly in his eyes. “And I demand to know why you’re chasing her.”
The guard scowled at her, taking a threating step forward but Fern still didn’t move.
“This is your sister?” He asked in disbelief while looking Fern up and down. The girl did look a lot like Fern but he still didn’t look convinced.
“Then your sister here was caught at school, boiling her milk.” He informed haughtily. “She’s one of the unwanted.”
Fern tried not to look as surprised as she felt. “And how would you, of all people, know that?” She retorted. “I live with her. I’ve always have and if she were one of them. I would certainly know-Wouldn’t you?”
The guard narrowed his eyes. “Maybe she slipped up.” He said, staring at Eris with an unpleasant smile.
His eyes were shining like he was looking at a meal.
Fern narrowed her eyes back at him and crossed her arms. “Or maybe I should tell my parents that you were harassing my sister.” She countered angrily. “I bet both of us would absolutely love to hear what my father would say to you about this.”
The guard’s eyes were blazing with rage now.
“Fine, keep your sister.” He snarled, turning around to leave before motioning for the others to do the same. “But remember this I’ll be watching.” He said, tossing the words roughly over his shoulder as he stormed off.
Fern sighed in relief as they left then turned around to face the girl.
“Never make me have to do that again.” She said. “I don’t know how long I could’ve kept that up.”
The girl still looked slightly traumatized even though the danger had gone. Well, most of it anyway. Fern could tell that the guard had meant what he said. “Thanks…” was all the girl could get out.
Fern stared at the girl intently. “What’s your name?” She asked, walking up to her. “Don’t be afraid, I won’t hurt you.”
“Eris…” She answered back before trembling when a breeze ruffled their hair but Fern didn't feel a thing.
She expected that the girl would be cold. “I’m Fern.” She informed, holding out a hand for her to take. “You should come with me.”
Eris took the hand cautiously but as soon as they touched Fern cried out in pain. Eris’s touch burned her!
Eris’s eyes grew huge and reeled her hand away from Fern’s quickly. “Sorry.” She said, her gaze dropping towards ground.
Fern looked down at her own hand in muted shock. It wasn’t burned but there was certainty a bright red streak. “It’s ok, you didn’t mean it.” She said but winced at the mark. “So they were telling the truth?”
Eris nodded slowly, shuffling her feet like she was ashamed and still staring at the ground.
Fern sighed. “Of course they were.” She thought.
“Then you’ll be safe with me Eris.” Fern said. “I’m one of the unwanted myself.”
Eris looked up at Fern in amazement. “Really?" She asked. "How did they not find you?"
Fern shook her head briskly. "Now isn't the time for questions." She said, walking in the direction of her home which was away from town. "Follow me."
Eris didn't move.
Fern looked back in exsperation. "What's wrong?" She demanded. The longer they stayed here, the greater the danger they'll be in later.
Eris swallowed hard. "W-what about my parents?" She asked. Eris, as hard as she tried, couldn't stop her voice from shaking.
Fern hesitated at the question. "We'll see about them later." She replied softly. "But for now you're sticking with me."
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Hi, Creativeatheart! I'm Rocky and I'll be reviewing your story today.
Content:
Overall, this is a lovely piece. It's interesting and has plot, which is most of what a novel chapter needs. The only thing I can say about it is that the change in point of views is slightly confusing, at least at first. Maybe you should stick to one and continue with the other in the next chapter.
As for the title, if you're looking for suggestions--Rise from the Embers? Fire and Ice? The Unwanted?
Grammar:
You did a fairly decent job, much better than some I've seen. There are only a few things that I saw that should be fixed or could be tweaked.
It should read "as a young girl who looked about/around 9." You can choose either or, but it doesn't make as much sense without it.
This sentence just seems extra long. Maybe you should split it up into two sentences connected by a semicolon after the first use of the word "homework."
You switch tense here. It's advised that you keep it "The Unwanted were..." Also, the second part shouldn't be capitalized seeing as it's separated by a comma.
You don't need quotes around the thought here. Italicizing is just fine.
I hope this helps! PM me if you have any questions. I'd like to follow this story, if you don't mind, and see where you take it.
Keep writing!
~Rocky
Lol.... thanks your review helped a lot xD made me realize I had more mistakes than I thought. Oh and as for the narrator knowing Eris, she doesn't. I just wanted to remind the reader that girl is Eris but I guess that wasn't the brightest idea! I'll make corrections soon.
Well, the quotes were a fail...
You're welcome though. This was a great piece and I can't wait to see where you take it.
And okay. Your reader might have possibly known it was Eric already, as she bolted out the elementary school doors and was being chased. The only other little girl you introduced was Kaolin, but most readers would know whether or not it was her.
Thankies :3 sorry for the hard time reading- I'll work on rewriting it sometime. I agree with what you said about Fern's part, I think when started that part I was hurrying to get to the next scene in the story... so I rushed by accident XD
Here to review!
Okay, I will be reviewing in two categories with various unamed categories that are different for each story. Those two categories are Grammar and Storyline.
Grammar: I didn't see anything wrong with it in the way of spelling. I would say that there is such a thing as too many paragraphs. I know, I know, that sounds absurd, but this piece is chopped up that it makes it hard to read. I reccommend putting all of the conversations or actions from the same person in one paragraph. Also, the quotations only use periods sometimes. You can also use commas.
This is all very nit-picky, but you should pay some heed to it.
Overall, I give this piece a 8 out of 10 in Grammar, just because it was somewhat hard to read.
Storyline: I liked Eris' part of the story a lot. It was paced perfectly, it was worded great, and I can't say anything to it that makes it better. On Fern's part, I liked it, but I didn't like it as much as I liked Eris' part. It was still worded nicely, but it just didn't seem to flow as good as Eris' part, but that may be the paragraphs.
Overall, I give this piece a 8 out of 10 in Storyline, because it is very nice, but it could flow a little better.
I want you to know that every story has a sort of flow to it. It is the writer's job to find the flow very early on in the story, either from the story making it, or by you making it. The flow makes it sound better and easier to read.
This is just an opinion, so I don't want you to take it to heart, but pay som heed to it.
Hope this helped,
Omniyus