(Medieval story) Chapter 1-revised and completed but story needs title

by Creativeatheart
  • December 27, 2012
  • Novel / Chapter
  • Narrative · Action / Adventure
  • First story
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Chapter 1

The sudden linger of warmth in the air in brings the silent promise of spring.

Even though frost still lay heavily on the leaves as I walk through the forest, you could still feel the warmth of the sun across your face.

The frost though is a definite reminder of the harsh winter we had that was now coming to slow end.

I pause to listen to the sounds of the forest as I'm preparing my bow. There's always the sound of birds chirping throughout the forest but I finally hear a noise that catches my attention, one I scarcely heard since the start of winter.

Its the familiar sound of a deer rustling a bush. I silently creep towards the sound, patiently making sure my feet avoid any fallen leaves or twigs. When I finally get close enough for a better look, deer turns out to be a male; a nice sized one too considering its only the end of winter, with large antlers.

Its back is turned and it doesn't see me smile as I raise my bow and line it so the arrow is pointing directly at its head.

I'll make a decent amount of money from trade thanks to you." I think. A male deer is worth at least 29 florins but with any luck I'll be able to get at least 35 with this one.

Then exactly when I'm about to shoot what should've been a fatal hit, a large noise from behind startles the deer and causes me to miss my catch.

I whip around to confront whatever messed up my near perfect hunt and standing in front of me is Ryence. I'm not surprised. "Of course it is"I think irritation flooding through me. Its always him"

Ryence may have become one of the knights' squires but that didn't mature him at all. "

I narrow my eyes because I'm anything but amused.

"Yes until you came along!" I snap, stomping over to him angrily after she unstrung my bow. "I was just about to make another kill, if you hadn't noticed."

Ryence playfully rolls his eyes which can only add to my anger. "Calm down Val." He replies. "I saw where the deer ran off to. I can lead you to it."

I frown, suddenly intent on making it clear to him that I'm not happy then I sigh. "Fine but you better be telling the truth..." I finally mutter. "Now what did you want?"

Ryence looks hurt by words and I can't help but feel guilty. "I just wanted to talk to you." He says, looking uncomfortable. "Is that so wrong?"

I quickly break my gaze away from him. Ryence is one of my best friends and I know that it out on him but I don't do it on purpose.

"I'm sorry Ryence." I begin remorsefully. "It's just I'm..."

He nods slowly and his eyes shone with understanding as he stared down with me. "Your dad's going to be fine all right? He'll be coming home with the rest of the knights." He says confidently, placing a hand gently on my shoulder. "Just like he always does. Now let's get that deer."

We do end up finding that buck, just like he said we would. "I have to go"Ryence says, walking in the direction of the castle after we leave trading square. "The squires have to prepare for the stables for the knights arrivals"

Of course, I nearly had forgotten that today was Friday. Today, the job of the squires is to make sure everything goes smoothly as possible for their knight before they even arrive which includes cleaning their horse's stable and replacing their hay.

Then on Saturday, the king finally tells everyone the result of the battle  in the middle of towns square and reads off the names of knights that gave their lives in battle.

On Sunday, the knights finally get reunited with their families at noon then, when the sun sets, a huge feast is held in the castle but that only happens if we won.

I smile, putting the 35 florins I got in my bag. "Ok Ryence and thanks for the help with the deer." I call after him. "Oh and my mom wanted to know if you'll come over for dinner tonight by the way. She's making Bukkenade"

Bukkenade is a type of spicy beef stew and it's one of my favourites which is saying something. I'm a very picky eater unlike Ryence who'll eat just about anything.

Ryence nods with a grin. "You bet! See you later!"He calls back before heading on his way.

As I walk home, I notice how quiet everything is in the town. Usually couples are strolling down the street with their children whose cries of joy pierce the air or the sound of people mingling but today... there's nothing.

Comments & reviews · 5
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Caesar
Review
Caesar wrote a review · Sun Dec 30, 2012 8:24 am

Alright, creativeheart, Louis here to review.

This is an okay chapter, I dig deer-hunting and knights and so forth. The main issues here were grammar and description, as I understand it.

The sudden linger of warmth in the air in brings the silent promise of spring.

Even though frost still lay[b] heavily on the leaves as I walk through the forest, you could still feel the warmth of the sun across your face.


Alright, it's an interesting start, however, I feel you could have integrated a more poetic description of the light in the forest, after making that statement. Gives the setting an unreal feel, which in this case is very good indeed. Also, by using 'lay' you're messing up tenses, 'lies' is correct in this case.

On a broader note, the thing about forests is, they're tricky. They can be described in dozens of different ways, from dark and gloomy to earthy to whimsical and light. This one was kind of... none of the aforesaid. It lacked description. The types and colors of the trees, insects buzzing, an eventual stream, the smell, even the feel of the ground underneath the main character's boots. You may want to bulk this out by adding that.

I pause to listen to the sounds of the forest as I'm preparing my bow

What kind of bow? A small detail but it could reveal to be very handy indeed later on.

(...) deer turns out to be a male; a nice sized one too considering its only the end of winter, with large antlers.


Should be 'the deer.' Also, we know it has large antlers, but what color is it? How does it move? I like realism in my pieces.

[b]Its back is turned and it doesn't see me smile as I raise my bow and line it so the arrow is pointing directly at its head.


Pretty sure it should be 'it's' as it's possessive. Also, a comma after 'turned.' And now, what kind of bow comes in handy. If it's a longbow, it might become difficult to fire it when entangled by forest underbrush, but more importantly, it's less powerful than a crossbow but has a greater range. Because deer are very sensitive indeed, the character would have to be some distance away for a proper shot. At that point, he'd probably have to aim slightly higher than directly at the deer's back, as an arrow or bullet looses height as it travels quickly through a long distance. Don't get me started on wind and other elements (not that they could interrupt here, granted).

I'll make a decent amount of money from trade thanks to you." I think. A male deer is worth at least 29 florins but with any luck I'll be able to get at least 35 with this one.


Full-stop should be a comma, furthermore, I dunno about you but I like to use italics when a character is thinking to himself. Also, florins, aye? Florins were used in Florence at the time of 1400-1600, though adaptations were made in the Netherlands, Aruba and Hungary according to Wikipedia. I doubt deer are found anywhere in the aforesaid (although, it's more probable around Florence). But if he is in Florence, like in Assassin's Creed (surprise surprise), what is he doing? Is he a freelance, or is he part of the military? I'd think the latter, and if so, why is he outside the city, some distance away from it, instead of being on-duty, say, on patrol?

I whip around to confront whatever messed up my near perfect hunt and standing in front of me is Ryence. I'm not surprised. "Of course it is"I think irritation flooding through me. Its always him"

Ryence may have become one of the knights' squires but that didn't mature him at all. "

I narrow my eyes because I'm anything but amused.

"Yes until you came along!" I snap, stomping over to him angrily after she unstrung my bow. "I was just about to make another kill, if you hadn't noticed."


Is 'Ryence' an Italian, and more specifically Florentine, name? I'm not sure, as I happen to be Italian. Perhaps a corruption of a name like 'Renzo.' You may want to use the actual Italian name to give it a more exotic feel. That is, if they are in Florence in the first place. Also what confuses me about this dialogue, I don't see Ryence speaking in the first place, other than making a loud noise. To what is your character snapping to? It makes no sense really.

Ryence playfully rolls his eyes which can only add to my anger. "Calm down Val." He replies. "I saw where the deer ran off to. I can lead you to it."


Full-stop should be replace by a comma, and 'he' needn't be capitalized. Val, huh. Valerio? Also, a touch I like in novels set in another country, they tend to include some lines of the original language to make it all the more exotic and intriguing. Though of course, if they are in Florence and you don't have an Italian on-hand, it can be hard, so nevermind. Also, I would have liked some description of this Ryence.

"I just wanted to talk to you." He says, (...)


And again the capitalization/comma issue.

"I'm sorry Ryence." I begin remorsefully.


So, evidently this character is not a hardened, tough warrior, mercenary or dare I say it, assassin. He strikes me as a young kid with a bow, to be honest. That just be me, or how this dialogue plays out.

"I have to go"Ryence says, walking in the direction of the castle after we leave trading square


Guess where you need a comma? Also, where is the description of the city? That's kind of important. A name would also help and such.


Overall, this was good, but lacked description, the main issue I had with this.

I hope this helped
~Ita


Creativeatheart
Creativeatheart replied · Sun Dec 30, 2012 4:44 pm

Thanks and about the florins. I didn't know what they called money back in the medieval ages so I looked up and that was the first thing I saw XD

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Logowrites
Review
Logowrites wrote a review · Fri Dec 28, 2012 2:43 pm

I Love the last paragraph thats beautiful, i just love it, its perfect! I love how you wrote it. it was awesome. soo epic!!!! haha. Maybe you make a sequal to it like three to four years later who lives there how is your other characters and everything


Creativeatheart
Creativeatheart replied · Fri Dec 28, 2012 5:01 pm

Thanks so much :3 I'm really glad you liked it!



MMM HYD R A T I O N
— cherie