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Young Writers Society


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Everyone She Ever Loves Will Die - Chapter 1

by CreativeUsername


Chapter 1 - Her Heart Holds No Name

There is a silence inside of her.

It warps and wraps around her skin, clinging to her like the fabric of a soaked shirt. But she cannot take it off. There are few choices for someone like her, someone who has loved and lost, and loved again, only to reach the same bitter end. Now every love she's ever had remains a burden weighing on her chest. And some nights she cannot breathe because of the heaviness; some days she cannot hear herself in the stillness.

Katherine is alone. She has no one, no friends, no family, and certainly no pets. Some may call it a lonely life but she calls it a safe path, one where no one will die in the end and that is the best she can do in a world where everyone suffers. A world where everyone has a curse.

The bell chimes as Katherine enters the supermarket. The cashier welcomes her and her mouth twitches slightly, hinting at a smile. But all she'd wanted to do was frown and retreat back to her house, her safe place, a cage she could stay in so the world couldn't sink it's claws into her heart and break it for what must be the thousandth time.

FEBRUARY 14TH, 2010

It is valentines day.

The day of the love.

Love.

The word trickles a thousand times in her mind and the warmth of the word swirls inside of her heart like smoke. It oozes ever so beautifully in the world around her, in roses and in chocolate, in 10 year marriages and in 2 weeks of dating, in shiny diamonds and in copper. Oh, how she wishes she could be like everyone else, how she wishes she could love and let be. But she can't.

Hope is descending. It's been descending for a long time. She had tried to get around the curse, to get close to someone for even a day, but it had all ended the same, with the death of an innocent.

She shivers and not because of the wind but because of the guilt. It always passes through her but sometimes she forgets herself and when she forgets herself, the world turns a shade pink, before reverting back to the grey, lifeless void she's become accustomed to.

"Katherine!"

A voice shouts from behind her but before she can turn to look she feels a hand press upon her shoulder. In front of her is a boy, a boy with sloppy brown hair and beautiful blue eyes. The world tips a little as she looks into them and she can already feel her heart begin to thrum faster.

This is not love.

"Who are you?" She tilts her head but he only laughs as if it were a ridiculous question.

"Harold. I sit behind you in math, silly." He smiles and before she can stop herself, a grin spreads across her lips. Her thoughts chastise her, telling her to run, telling her to leave before it's too late and she has fallen and she has left another to die, but in this moment, she finds she does not want to listen to the nagging darkness, to the rules of her curse.

This is not love.

"You don't happen to have a valentine, do you?" He rubs the back of his neck, nervously. "Because if not, I mean. I don't have a valentine either so um..."

He pauses, taking a sharp breath. "Do you want to be my valentine?"

She knows she should say no, that she should succumb to the darkness and go home, take a shower, read a book. But as she looks into the blues of his eyes she finds herself saying, "Yes. I'd really like that."

And so it began.

Just like that, 5 simple words and there it was again, history repeating itself. She promised herself it would only be one date and nothing more, after that, she'd keep her distance. She wouldn't think about him at night or look into his eyes ever again, she'd go back to her silent world, go back to being a shadow whispering among the light.

Katherine and Harold walked arm in arm, telling jokes and laughing, on there way to the park. Once they arrived, they sat on a bench shaded by a couple of tall trees. Some of the leaves fell off, floating ever so slowly towards them, almost as if they were magnetic, almost as if the leaves had fallen just to get close to them.

The clutter of thoughts in Katherine's mind had dispersed and she chose to focus on having a good time. The sun set high in the sky and people talked around them but all they saw were each other, all they heard were their own words and their own steady breaths.

"I know this is bit of an awkward question to ask on a first date, but I have to know." He folded his hand on top of hers and stared into her eyes. "What is your curse?"

Her breath caught and her eyes flitted across the scene, to the birds and to the couple sitting on a bench a couple feet away from them. She rehearsed her line, "I can only eat vegetables and fruit."

It was a lie and a pity one at that, but it was much better than the alternative, telling the truth. She felt a tinge of sadness cloud within her brain, but only a tinge, after all, this wasn't love. It was far from anything of the sort, she was sure of it. Still, as her sentence hung in the air she couldn't help but want to collapse into the ground and wilt into nothing.

"Oh, you've missed out on so much! I wish I could transfer the taste of bacon to you."

She laughed, "So what's your curse then?"

"I see people in shades of blue."

"What do you mean?" She rested her cheek on her hand, waiting for him to clarify.

"I mean, like... everyone I see is a different shade of blue, some lighter, some darker. The darker ones are the most sad, while the lightest are most happy. And you." He looks away from her, contemplating whether he should say his next sentence. "You're the darkest shade of blue I've ever seen."

THE PRESENT

The bell chimes.

As she peruses the aisles for her usual food items, she sees a girl with a top hat and unruly dark curls. She's heard her name is Madeline. She's gossiped about all throughout the neighborhood for a plethora of things, but mostly for her curse.

"A madwomen, she is." Katherine's neighbor, Betsy, once commented to her on her way out of the house.

She didn't know what to believe about Madeline, if she was in fact a madwomen or a misunderstood girl, but it hadn't mattered to Katherine much. It was something she needn't get involved with.

A boy in a wheelchair directs himself into the aisle Katherine's in and she wonders if the wheelchair was an affect of his curse or just of bad luck.

He didn't wait long before answering her unspoken thoughts.

"I was born unable to walk."

She looked at him and even though her curse had been bad, at least she had her legs, and they were strong, carrying her everywhere she needed to go. Some couldn't say as much, and for a second, Katherine is immensely grateful for her curse. But only for a second. The relief vanishes as Madeline strolls into the aisle.

"Hello, folks." She waves at her and at the boy as if they were all lifelong friends who'd planned to meet at the supermarket and not complete strangers, brought together by chance.

"Hey." Katherine waves back and the boy does the same.

Madeline raises her eyebrow at the boy and he sighs, "I was born unable to walk."

"Ah." Madeline frowns, "That must be awfully hard."

"Mhm." He nods. "What's your curse?"

"I'm to only pay in pennies." She shakes her head, before going off on her rant. "Do you know how annoying it is to try to fish out a dollar only for it to become a penny? Every cashier looks at me as if I'd tried to kill them."

Katherine almost laughs at the thought of her curse but quickly straightens as the boy in the wheelchair says, "I would kill for a curse like that."

"No, no. I didn't mean..." Madeline's cheeks turn pink as she steadies herself against the shelves. "I just think it's ridiculously unfair that we're punished for being born, that's all."

And what a ridiculous thing that was. Unfortunately for life though, it hadn't come with the promise of being fair.

Madeline turns to her, crossing her arms and looking her up and down. "What about you mystery girl? What's your curse?"

"Katherine." She bites her lip. "I can only eat fruits and vegetables."

Madeline gasps and covers her mouth. "Oh, you poor, poor thing. How does one survive like that?"

"I manage."

Madeline's brown eyes seem to darken but Katherine isn't sure if she's imagining it or just truly going mad, she was willing to bet the latter.

Sadness soaks into her head, spreading rapidly, and she shakes her head to clear it.

There was no place for sad thoughts within a supermarket.

"Well, I won't hold you up." Madeline smiles. "But if you ever need anything, you know where to find me.

"I actually don't."

"Oh, right." She laughs at herself, leaning against the shelf. "I'm in the neighborhood, and this is my favorite supermarket, so if you ever need me, this should be the first place you check. If I'm not here, I'll be walking along the roads."

Katherine doubted she'd ever see Madeline again but still she said, "Thank you."


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Points: 225
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Sun Mar 07, 2021 10:50 am
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tayaiowa wrote a review...



The first line did a great job of hooking me into the story. It had me wondering what this story was going to be about going forward, which compelled me to read the rest, and it also sounds poignant and beautiful.

(also, side note: A more concise and symbolic title would represent your story well without being too on-the-nose, but that might be to my personal taste so make of that what you will.)

I'm not fond of the structure of this chapter because a flashback appears only three paragraphs into it (and I'm not a big fan of flashbacks in general) so I recommend that the flashback starts at the very beginning of the chapter. This flows better because the scene at the supermarket isn't broken up due to the flashback interjection. Also, the flashback being read first introduces the reader to the themes and rules of the world almost immediately.

Now, to some specific things I thought needed revision:

"There is a silence inside of her." --As I said, I like this line but I don't like the description that comes after it. The imagery provided to explain the hook is ill-fitted and doesn't make sense to me. How is the silence "warping and wrapping ((around)) her skin" if it is inside of her body or inside of her mind? Also, how is "the fabric of a soaked shirt" meant to represent silence?

In addition to that, while I like the line and the mystery it introduces the reader to, I don't think it properly conveys the concept you might have been going for. As a test of this, I'd like you to think of what the first line means. What is this silence and why is it inside of her? What metaphors describe this feeling?

Next, I think this may be a result of you attempting to explain Katherine's feelings, but there are places where it feels too descriptive, where a simple symbolic action or short phrase would have sufficed. An example would be: "The cashier welcomes her and her mouth twitches slightly, hinting at a smile. But all she'd wanted to do was frown and retreat back to her house, her safe place, a cage she could stay in so the world couldn't sink it's claws into her heart and break it for what must be the thousandth time."

An addition like, "a polite smile curls around her lips before falling away, like it always does." Something that can represent Katherine's feelings through action or dialogue instead of overloading on narrative description is what I suggest.

Down to the flashback:

"The word trickles a thousand times in her mind and the warmth of the word swirls inside of her heart like smoke. It oozes ever so beautifully in the world around her, in roses and in chocolate, in 10 year marriages and in 2 weeks of dating, in shiny diamonds and in copper."

"the word trickles...the warmth of the word swirls..." Using "the word" twice so closely together is awkward and it might be better to rephrase the sentence into something like "The word trickles a thousand times in her mind and it's warmth swirls inside of her heart like smoke."

Also, I don't understand the use of the phrase "trickles a thousand times in her mind", using the word "trickling" is awkward here and won't make sense unless expanded upon into a metaphor. It might be better to say "The word repeats a thousand times in her mind..."

I can also say the same for the second sentence: "it oozes ever so beautifully in the world around her..." Choosing the word "oozes" feels strange here and there is likely a better substitute that makes more sense.

That's about as far as I'll go, but overall I like the tone of the story, as well as the premise of it. I hope you continue writing this in the future--thanks for posting this wonderful story!




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Fri Mar 05, 2021 3:09 pm
BEASTtheHUN wrote a review...



This is absolutely, positively, incredible. This blew me away. I honestly am speechless right now. There's not really much criticism I can give this at all, but I just have to say I absolutely love this. Probably my favorite thing I have read all day. You absolutely have to tag me on your next chapter. This is pro-level right here.






Thank you




I like anchovies~ but nobody calls me that.
— alliyah