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A Chance

by CreativeUsername


I flip a coin in my hand. Tails. Life is made up of chances like these, nothing ever is 100% certain when you do something. When I flipped the coin I could’ve gotten heads, and that could’ve changed my entire future, or even the course of humanity. Something little, like a coin, makes a far greater impact than we give it credit. So, you, a human, could ripple the ocean with a flip of a coin. Could. There’s always could’s all around us, chances ready to be taken, risks ready to be matched. The question is: Would you take a chance?

My name is Jonathan Hoarsewollow, and I’m the person people come to when they want a chance. When they desperately want excitement in their boring lives, I’ll be here in the shadows ready to roll the dice in their honor. But there’s a catch: There’s a chance they’ll lose something incredibly important to them should they get unlucky. No matter the consequence, positive or negative, your life will change forever, and that, perhaps, is the only guarantee.

I begin to tidy up my workshop to close my shop for the day. As I begin placing bottles and antiques on the oak shelves, I see a girl. How peculiar.

I had never seen anything like her beauty before. Her eyes were the first thing I noticed, blue and shimmery like diamonds painted across the starry sky. Her hair was in two dirty blonde braids and I couldn’t help but be drawn to the silver necklace hanging around her neck. I needed to talk to this girl. I needed to figure out her name.

“H-hey.” I surprise myself as I stammer. “What brings you here today?”

She walks up to the counter and smiles sweetly at me, making my insides seemingly-- er turn? “Hello. I heard about this place online and I was wondering if you had time for one more client…”

My head wanted to say no but I found myself saying: “Yes. Of course.”

I took a deep breath, collecting my thoughts and steadying my racing heart. What has gotten ahold of me? Focus. I need to finish this job and then I can go home.

“I didn’t catch your name.” I say.

“Oh, right. Forgive me I don’t get out much.” She laughs. “I’m Allie, and you are?”

“Jonathan.”

“Lovely name. It quite suits you.”

I can’t help but smile hearing her compliment me. I take out my 12-sided die and set it down on the table.

“Do you know how this works?” I ask. I always ask anyone who comes into my shop if they know what they’re getting themselves into. In a way it’s to warn them, but also it’s to avoid any lawsuits. That’d be pretty bad for my company.

Allie shakes her head. “Not really.”

I clasp my hands together as I get ready to recite the same protocol for the 100th time today. “This, right here” I hold up the dice. “Is your chance. It’s what will determine your future, whether it means you’re destined to die alone or to have three children. This dice knows all of the secrets, and this dice can show them to you as well.” I smirk, charmingly. “When I roll this die there are 12 possibilites, 4 of them are bad, 4 of them are good, and the other 4 are neutral. If I roll this dice you will have no say in your future but I can promise you it won’t be mundane. Do you wish to take a chance?”

Allie looks at the dice as if she’s deep in thought. Suddenly, like snapped out of a trance, she looks straight at me. “Yes.”

All I needed was that one word. I dropped the dice onto the table and it rolled towards Allie, stopping at a nine. A wave of terror elapses throughout my body as my hands shake and my lip quivers. Nine. She rolled a nine. I felt an immense sadness for her as I realized what it had meant. I hadn't rolled a nine in about a decade, I didn’t think there was a chance. That was my mistake because there’s always a chance.

Allie tilts her head in confusion. “What does that mean?”

“It means…” I smile, heartwarmingly, as I shove the die into the drawer in my desk. “That you will live a long happy and healthy life.” I didn’t have the heart to tell her what nine really meant.

“Wow. Really?” A look of pure happiness invades her face. “How does this stuff work anyways?”

“That, Miss Allie, is a secret I’ll take to the grave.”


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62 Reviews


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Wed Sep 30, 2020 7:44 pm
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RadDog13579 wrote a review...



Hello @CreativeUsername, RadDog here! Today I'll be reviewing your short story A Chance.

I really enjoyed reading this. The intro paragraph was mysterious but it was just the right amount of mystery. The rest was pretty good. I like how even in this short piece of writing, we can learn about each of the two characters and get to know them. The dialogue could have been better and I would like more descriptions but other than that this was a great story! Until next time, happy writing!

-RadDog




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Fri Sep 25, 2020 1:53 pm
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Hari1998 wrote a review...



Hi,

Hope you are doing good, I really liked your writing the introductory paragraph is really intriguing and I love the way you described the character.I’m not really a master in grammar but I didn’t felt any blockade while reading your work. Apart from that I felt like the story ended abruptly. It was as if the story was beginning to catch fire and all of sudden when you wanted to know more it ended. I’m not sure if you are planning to write another part, if so good.

Thank you for reading through and keep writing.




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Wed Sep 23, 2020 3:36 am
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LordMomo wrote a review...



Momo, here for a quick review!

So I really liked this a lot. I personally don't believe in the whole telling the future thing, but I still like it a lot! There were just a few things I wanted to point out, so let's get started!

I had never seen anything like her beauty before. Her eyes were the first thing I noticed, blue and shimmery like diamonds painted across the starry sky. Her hair was in two dirty blonde braids and I couldn’t help but be drawn to the silver necklace hanging around her neck. I needed to talk to this girl. I needed to figure out her name.

I really like this description. The way you use metaphors and similes is really good!

“Johnathan.”

I think it should be Jonathan.

I clasp my hands together as I get ready to recite the same protocol for the 100th time today. “This, right here” I hold up the dice.

There should be a period after "here".

A wave of terror elapses throughout my body as my hands shake and my lip quivers. Nine. She rolled a nine.

The bolded part should be italicized.

That's all for now! Keep writing, and have a happy rest of your RevMo!
Momo
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I didn%u2019t even realize I spelled Jonathan two different ways, thanks for catching that



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Tue Sep 22, 2020 6:06 am
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ChrisDixon wrote a review...



Hi, CreativeUsername! I'm here for a quick review.
This is really a beautiful piece of writing. I love reading this story, it tells the story rather than just showing, I truly love how you wrote that way. The main character is really quite interesting and it seems to have quite an ability or whatever you call it. To take a chance...I wish to take a chance, really, I wish to take the chance I never had. But as you say it, it was written to surprise the world with an idea of a seed not to be a reality. Anyways, let's got ahead with the suggestions.

My name is Jonathan Hoarsewollow, and I’m the person people come to when they want a chance. When they desperately want excitement in their boring lives, I’ll be here in the shadows ready to roll the dice in their honor. But there’s a catch: There’s a chance they’ll lose something incredibly important to them should they get unlucky. No matter the consequence, positive or negative, your life will change forever, and that, perhaps, is the only guarantee.


I love how you introduce the character, it's a wonderful start. It's a very interesting type of start.

“H-hey.” I surprise myself as I stammer. “What brings you here today?”


He suddenly becomes a shy person in front of a girl...So he's weakness is girls, can I say that?

Though the dialogues make the story go on with the realistic flow, I would lastly suggest that you use more descriptions, how did it look like, how does he or she feels hearing that?

I love reading this story and I would love to read more of your writing!

Thank you for writing this!
You made my day!

Keep on writing!

Best wishes,
Chris

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Thanks for the review



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Tue Sep 22, 2020 1:54 am
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Andrewknorpp wrote a review...



Hey there! This was really intriguing. The shops of gambling away your future seems ripe for stories. Definitely great for mid life crisis. Our main character is interesting and likable. My one biggest complaint is that not enough happened. I want to see how the futures are changed! I want to learn the lore, but I guess that’s the fun of a short story, it’s a glimpse.
But into specifics!

My name is Jonathan Hoarsewollow, and I’m the person people come to when they want a chance. When they desperately want excitement in their boring lives, I’ll be here in the shadows ready to roll the dice in their honor. But there’s a catch: There’s a chance they’ll lose something incredibly important to them should they get unlucky. No matter the consequence, positive or negative, your life will change forever, and that, perhaps, is the only guarantee.

This is great. Even though it’s telling not showing that’s OK, first because it’s a short story and second because it’s such a good job of telling.
How peculiar.

I can’t quite figure out what’s peculiar.
“H-hey.” I surprise myself as I stammer. “What brings you here today?”

I like how quick he goes from cool mysterious magician to a dude who’s awkward around a cute girl.
Do you wish to take a chance?”

Nothing signed, I’m not quite sure how that can help avoid lawsuits. *shrugs*
I felt an immense sadness for her as I realized what it had meant. I hadn't rolled a nine in about a decade

So, some of the numbers are more likely than others? Also, I would like a description of this sadness.
“It means…” I smile, heartwarmingly,

Heartwarmingly? I don’t really understand what your trying to say
“Wow. Really?” A look of pure happiness invades her face. “How does this stuff work anyways

Once again I would like more descriptions of the happiness. What does it look like? How does he feel seeing it?
But that’s all just my two cents! Hope it helped!
Like I said, fun read!
Thanks, and keep writing.
-Andrew






Thank you




You know that place between sleep and awake, that place where you still remember dreaming? That’s where I’ll always love you. That’s where I’ll be waiting.
— J.M. Barrie, Peter Pan