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Distorted

by CrazyGirl


Warning: This work has been rated 18+.

Distorted. 

Not in any tangible way no, I mean not the distorted you see in a Picasso painting but in the way you feel so disconnected, so out of touch with yourself like watching yourself scream in slow motion, everything is broken around you with more shit falling down and an ironically cheerful classical music playing in the background. 

Distorted, is the word that pops into mind when asked "How are you?". That's the word that comes to mind at 3AM when everything's silent except your mind, when so many images and feelings, overwhelming, intense, chaotic, unwavering in their quest to flood the little bit of order you managed to put together. 

Distorted.

The perfect word for when you're looking at people, while sitting in a café near the window, watching as they go about their day and none of them are smiling, they're screaming at their phones, they're pushing and being pushed always in a hurry, some are indifferent with no expressions at all, they lost all interest in everything. How come no one is smiling? 

Distorted...


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Sat Sep 02, 2017 4:44 am
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Sharon1407 wrote a review...



Hey CrazyGirl. I don't know if you will consider this a review or not but I just want to say how I feel about this work. I have never seen anyone write such a work in the "Other" category before. Usually people end up writing essays and what-not but I think you managed to use this particular category in the best way and publish a work that is so meaningful yet so simple. Sometimes we do tend to neglect these everyday details, particularly because we never want to look at the darker side of life. But, if I, personally, would have to have a slight jolt-back-into-reality then I'd rather read this work than some other intense poetry. Great work on everything! Waiting to read more such works!!! Thank you :)




CrazyGirl says...


Thank you, that really is flattering. I try my best and hopefully I'll deliver more.



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Fri Sep 01, 2017 11:28 pm
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sheyren wrote a review...



Hey there! Shey here for a quick review!

I find this to be an interesting piece. It's not exactly poetry, but when read, the prose sounds a bit rhythmic. It's clearly written as prose, and yet I can't ignore that the rhythm and the message are highly poetic.

I did enjoy this, which is something I need to make clear. It was a great read. I guess my only issue with it is that the meaning behind the work was unclear. It was very mysterious. Hey, mysterious is great for any work. Yet, I feel like this piece was written to convey a message, and it bugs me that I can't figure out what the message is.

I'm not really sure what my comment would actually be, but it's something I figure is worth telling you. Getting reader's perspective is definitely important, always, and so I think that my short review could actually possibly maybe help a little bit in future works like this. :)

Overall, great job! Keep up the awesome work, and I look forward to seeing more from you!

~Shey~




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Fri Sep 01, 2017 11:17 pm
erilea wrote a review...



Hey, CrazyGirl! Lupa here for a RevMo review. :) Let's get staaaaarted!

1)

Not in any tangible way no, I mean not the distorted you see in a Picasso painting but in the way you feel so disconnected, so out of touch with yourself like watching yourself scream in slow motion, everything is broken around you with more shit falling down and an ironically cheerful classical music playing in the background.


Right, so this paragraph is a pretty large run-on sentence that could be fixed by a few well-placed periods/commas. There's also a few grammatical errors here too. The main issue I have is that this sounds like a regular conversation between two people. I mean, you definitely wouldn't have this conversation with someone, but you know what I mean. There's a lot of informal language here, which I'm not sure is fully intentional. Perhaps you could say,

Not in any tangible way, no. I meanNot the distorted you see in a Picasso painting, but in the way you feel so disconnected, so out of touch with yourself. It's like watching yourself scream in slow motion; everything is broken around you with more shit falling down and ironically cheerful classical music playing in the background.


All your paragraphs are mainly run-on sentences, so you could fix those as well.

2) This is just a stylistic suggestion, but it'd be cool if there was a little bit of funky formatting here. For example, the word "distorted" could be placed in different places every time it was mentioned, and that would add on to the broken message in this piece. One time it could be in the middle of the page, then somewhere in the left, and then somewhere in the right. I hope that makes sense. :)

That's all I have to say for this work; I do like how the message really comes through in the repetition of the word "distorted." Great job on this piece and keep writing!

XOX,
Lupa22
Image




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Fri Sep 01, 2017 11:12 pm
TheSilverFox wrote a review...



Hey there, CrazyGirl! I thought I'd come on over and give some honest thoughts about this work.

So, first and foremost, I like use of repetition and the central concept of being distorted. As I'm currently in the middle of something like the first paragraph, I can relate to the sensations of despair and chaos hovering around the "you" being described there. On the whole, these are situations that, due to their timing or nature, can adequately be described as distorted, and I find it a rather apt word for dissonant serenity or tired minds However, I can't help but feel that paragraph, and the piece as a whole, is vague. While, indeed, frustration and insomnia are common sensations, they are described without much color or scenery. What's broken? What's falling down? It's hard for me to truly absorb myself in the work and its feelings if I can't envision each situation as it's happening. Too, the third one, due to being more a critique of society than the others, doesn't fit. Why is it distorted? What should it be? How can it related to private, internal feelings of despair?

Beyond that, the flow of the piece is choppy, and could do with some reading over and figuring out where appropriate pauses go (especially at the beginnings of the first two paragraphs). Perhaps it can considered stylistic, and maybe stands as an embodiment of the sense of distortion and the way it can affect language, but I found it ultimately confusing, especially as the best use of phrases run together is in the most impersonal paragraph (the third one). Lastly, the use of "I mean" may not be appropriate here, as it's a sudden change to first-person in what is mainly a second-person perspective. This, combined with the narrator's lack of recognition of themselves over the rest of the piece, means that I think you'd be better off removing it. Nevertheless, this was a decent piece to read, and, though it needs plenty of fleshing out, it has a solid base. Well done!




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Fri Sep 01, 2017 10:39 pm
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ExOmelas wrote a review...



Heyo, I'm here to get my RevMo started off to a non-pathetic start (as in, doing at least one review on the first day).

Nit-picks:

so out of touch with yourself like watching yourself scream

I realise grammar is deliberately lax in this to make it feel like it's moving faster but I do think you could do with a new sentence here. Before "like", that is.

Woot, only one nit-pick.

Overall:

I think what you accomplish best in this is getting me into the feeling of what your speaker is talking about. The fast moving sentences I mentioned are a really useful way of doing this. Another is your use of the second person (ie "you") to reach out to the reader and try and get them to understand. This has two possible effects that I can see: 1) I relate (this is my result) and you speaking directly to me drags me in and makes me think of my own experience or 2) I don't understand what you're talking about, but your involvement of me then confuses me and actually contributes to the chaos. So that's pretty much a win-win situation.

The thing I don't understand is why "Distorted"? Like, I feel chaos, desperation, fear, anxiety. I can see a link that you could be reaching for. The Linkin Park lyric: "I don't like my mind right now/Stacking up problems that are so unnecessary" springs to mind in terms of subconsciouses getting out of control and dragging problems into all sorts of different proportions. So I do see how distorted works, but I'm unsure if you'd get this across as well to someone who didn't think about these things as much.

I don't think it would take too much added on to what you have. You have some good imagery, particularly in the first paragraph (I have no idea where the classical music is going but the matter-of-fact tone shows that it very clearly is important and makes the speaker's mind seem more like chaos, which seems to be the vibe you're going for). I therefore think it wouldn't push you too much further to include some interesting imagery for how the mind actually distorts things, always assuming that actually is what's going on.

Lastly, if this is autobiographical, I'm happy to be someone to be vented to if necessary, and keep writing things like this.

Hope this helps,
Biscuits :)




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Fri Sep 01, 2017 9:23 pm
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Wriskypump says...



If they were smiling walking all alone while just taking a trip across the sidewalk I imagine you would be more concerned about that. If you're absorbed in what you're doing you're probably going to have your business face on. If you're relaxing, or chatting to somebody odds are then you're going to be having a good time. I would hardly say they lost interest in everything or anything close to that.

I would agree that when people ask "How are you," that half the time it's just a formality or a mannerism. I like to see a realistic piece in here: it's good to be raw sometimes.

;) thoughts from Wrisky's Airspace




CrazyGirl says...


That paragraph is meant to be a projection of the person's emotions, they see what they want to see because of their state of mind.



Wriskypump says...


oh! I didn't recognize that! I feel like I should've seen that now, but it just didn't seem that apparent to me



CrazyGirl says...


I hope it's clearer now and that it makes you understand this work better :)



Wriskypump says...


indeed! But I do feel a little 'distorted' now! llOoolllL - distoartion



CrazyGirl says...


hahah then my job is done here




You have brains in your head. You have feet in your shoes. You can steer yourself any direction you choose. You're on your own. And you know what you know. And YOU are the one who'll decide where to go...
— Dr. Seuss