Chasing Liberty - Part 1

Chasing Liberty

Part 1

Looking at her, I was just looking; all I could do was look. There was nothing else to do, it's hard enough trying to get through the day in high school without being different, without standing out in the crowd so trying to get through the day while you're a lesbian or gay is nearly impossible with all the bullying and the tormenting.

You'd think that after all these years people will start understanding the LGTB community, will at least try to change but I don't think that it will happen soon and I don't want to expose her to the awful things they do to me at school just because I like her, I'm not that selfish, and I'm pretty sure she's straight so-

"Hey Alice, stop being such a dyke, STOP STARING AT LILY." said the school asshole/bully Derek while pushing me to the grey, hard metal lockers.

"Shit" I murmured "He made it loud and clear". Holy crap she was looking at me and smiling sympathetically, I guess Derek's remark didn't bother her that much so I smiled back hoping to have the courage to talk to her soon. I still remember the first time I saw her, clearly, like it was yesterday.

Three weeks ago, I met her on a windy day of January, it was a Friday. I accidentally went to the painting club instead of the music club at our school, but once I laid eyes on her I couldn't leave.

It was a cozy classroom, like all the other classrooms with 6 windows 3 on each side but the walls of this classroom were clean of graffiti, all white unlike the others that were painted half grey, a little dusty but very beautiful, the walls were decorated with various paintings of cartoon characters and quotes and proverbs. I could smell the freshly used paint and I liked seeing the smiles on everyone's faces and the fun they were having, they seemed to enjoy working on their newest project, it was a really nice change from my home and all the yelling and shouting.

She was standing near a window chatting with her friends, her face was dirty with multicolor paint, and I stood staring, at her long straightened golden brown hair, her fragile body, her silky smooth white skin, her small rosy mouth and her cute little nose turning red from the cold, like an idiot with a stupid grin on my face.

My heart started beating ferociously at the first sight of her; I thought it was going to burst out of its place. There was something fluttering in my stomach, I've never felt this way before.

This feeling was strange, new and exhilarating. But her eyes, her eyes were the color of hot chocolate, the deep brown of the winter trees at twilight, they were full of sorrow despite the smile she was faking and putting on her very very beautiful round face. I was a prisoner of her expressive eyes.

I could feel my phone vibrating in my pocket but I couldn't take my eyes off of her but I had to,I was sure it was my mother calling:

"Hello?"

"Get your ass here right now. I'm going to deal with you when you get home." She yelled and that was when I realized I was still staring at her and she was now looking at me so I got out of the classroom as fast as I could blushing to the roots of my hair.

Just remembering that made me blush and realizing that I was still on the floor of the dirty asphalt hallway with my things scattered everywhere made me feel even more embarrassed as if that was possible, yep it was possible, Lily was coming toward me all smiles.

"Alice right?" She asked while gathering my things and helping me to my feet.

"Aw, that hurts a lot." I complained "And yes I'm Alice, thank you for helping me."

"No problem. What's hurting you? Your shoulder?" She asked seeming sincere and again I was captured by her fascinating eyes and yet again I found them full of sorrow-

"Hey, are you okay??" she asked again putting her left very soft hand on my bare shoulder, her touch was burning fire on my skin, I gasped, grimaced and shuddered.

"I guess your shoulder does hurt a lot then? You should go to the nurse’s office." I turned to go lost in my thoughts still feeling her burning touch on my shoulder amused that she thought my reaction was due to my shoulder being hurt, which was by the way, till my eyes caught Lily walking behind me. I stood in the middle of the hallway confused; I guess she saw my confusion because the next second she was talking a mile a minute with her warm, sweet voice:

"I can't leave you to go alone, all this happened to you because of me, and I'm so so sorry about everything that happened, I was staring at you and Derek must’ve noticed-"

“Wow wow wow, hold on YOU were staring at ME?” My brain literally stopped working for a minute and I was afraid she could hear my racing heart beats, I was dazed.

When I looked at her she was turning crimson red, I didn’t want to embarrass her even more so I said:

"Would you please stop talking like that, it's no one's fault but that small-minded jerk Derek. Now would you like to come with me to the nurse? I don't want to go alone either." I found myself getting closer to her and holding out my hand, which she took blushing too.

“I would love to come with you.”She murmured, I barely heard her, I thought I was imaging the whole thing.

"So why didn't you defend yourself against Derek? You didn't even insult him for the awful things he said. Could you be any nicer?"

"No, it's not being nice or anything but I really believe that violence isn't the solution and I want to be a part of the solution not the problem. Are you familiar with Gandhi’s quote "Be the change you want to see in the world"?? "

"No."

"Well that's how I think and Derek is probably being abused at home or at least that's how psychiatrists analyze bullies and violent behaviors, I'd like to give him the benefit of the doubt, besides I don't want to be part of the problem I want to be part of the solution, and fighting him isn't the solution." I sneaked a peak at her and she was smiling and possibly trying to decide what to say next.

"Waw, you're smart and very sweet." She complimented and I laughed, loudly, which was something new to me because I often find myself faking it or find things to be very dull and uninteresting.

"The glasses and the ponytail really didn't give me away? Huh weird." I liked making her laugh and seeing those perfect set of shiny white teeth, I could get used to this very easily. Now, we were in front of the nurse's office and I was clutching her hand not wanting to let go, it felt too good to let go.

I kept staring at her, caressing her hand with my thumb, feeling more awkward as the silence grew louder. I’ve never heard silence quite this loud so I took one step closer careful not to freak her out, waiting for her reaction. When nothing happened, I pulled her closer; the atmosphere was turning hotter with every passing second, putting my forehead against hers I whispered with surprisingly seducing voice:

“If you want me you know where to find me.” Then I cupped her face in my hands and put my lips against hers, they were like rose petals, they were so soft I was afraid to hurt them. I heard her gasp under my lips and her body went rigid, I could barely keep my knees form falling, I was radiating heat, I felt a rush go through me, a new kind of thrilling rush, like electricity running all over my body. Everything around us turned to dust the moment our lips met; there was no one but her and me in the world kissing.

When I opened my eyes I found her too stunned to move or talk so I kissed her forehead, gave her my best loop-sided grin and went into the nurse’s office, almost collapsing, for a moment there I forgot my aching shoulder.

How much that kiss effected me scared me to death, I really didn’t know the depth of my attraction to her. My reaction to our kiss opened the door for a lot of questions: If that was my reaction to just a kiss, then how would I react if whatever this thing is took another turn, a deeper turn? Am I ready to start a relationship? Especially a lesbian relationship. I can’t afford to get attached to anyone or anything at all, I learned the hard way that nothing and no one stays, I had enough pain to last two lifetimes. I am emotionally incapable of giving something I’ve never had but with her everything seemed better, she even made me laugh, after three weeks of careful observation, I can’t help but fall for her, hard.

I was exhausted after forty-five minutes of thinking and coming up with a lie to save that jerk’s ass, and on top of all of that fixing my shoulder wasn’t all that painless. So you could imagine my surprise when I stepped out of the room to find Lily waiting for me in the hall outside of the nurse’s office.

“Have you been waiting here all this time? You just couldn’t keep away huh?” I couldn’t contain my surprise and my nervousness.

“Yes. I just wanted to clear things between us.” Her voice was cracking; she was on the verge of crying and it hurts so much seeing her like that because of me. I did not know what to do; I was at a total loss.

“Ok, go on.” I wanted to get closer to her, to hug her and tell her that everything will be all right, but when I stepped closer she stepped back.

“Um, there’s no nice way of saying it but I’m not like you-“

“Like what huh? Just say it.” My anger was increasing.

“I’m not like that; I don’t like girls that way. I’m not a dyke okay? And I will never be. I’m not even allowed to like you.” She sighed and her frustration was showing.Tears were streaming down her cheeks now; I closed the distance between us, there was nothing separating us but a few inches. My anger melted at the sight of her tears, I kissed her cheek and wiped her tears but she still wouldn’t look at me, trying to push me away but I kept a steely grip around her.

“Look at me please.” I pleaded while raising her chin “There’s nothing to be ashamed of, plus I kissed you, you had nothing to do with it. If you’re a lesbian or a bisexual please don’t be afraid of coming out, because being in the closet won’t do you any good believe me I’ve been there, it is a lonely and a dark place. I know that you are scared of what everyone would think of you and how they will treat you, but it’s just six more months of your life, high school is almost over, you’ll see that what those small-minded people think won’t matter when you get the hell out of this place, you’ll see that life gets better. Don’t lose hope, always have faith that life will get better. Hope is our only salvation.”

“Have hope? You don’t know my parents, they will bury me alive.” I couldn’t comfort her because what she’s saying is true, my parents’ “punishment” may be worst than dying, I whish they would’ve just killed me and saved me all this suffering.

We sat on the floor holding on to each other, she was sitting in my lap sobbing, soaking my t-shirt and hugging me tight, and I hugged her even tighter until the bell rang and it was time to go home. I wanted her to know that she wasn’t alone, that I’ll stand by her no matter what she decides. I won’t see her till Monday morning, so I can spend Saturday night and tomorrow thinking about a solution for all this chaos. It won’t be easy.

The next week passed like a constant replay of the past three weeks before our “incident” on Saturday. Me, looking for her in the crowd, in every classroom, on every break and peaking at her when my eyes find her, till Friday.

On Friday, I went to her painting club, the classroom was breath-taking, and it’d be safe to say that this classroom probably is the most beautiful of all the 40 others in this high school except maybe for the music classroom for me its beauty is equal to this one.

I stood in the door watching her work with her brush, wearing a dirty apron, waiting for her to see me, I wasn’t about to embarrass her in front of her friends because I already knew what they’ll say if they saw her with me.

Her smile faded when she saw me, that wasn’t a good sign. The school was big enough to get lost in it, to disappear; it was perfect for what I have planned. Our school was huge: it consists of three blocks each block has three stories, and the playground is so big you could have a concert there. Like I said it was perfect for getting lost, in thoughts or in the moment.

I motioned for her to get outside, out of everyone’s sight so she could be more comfortable being with me.

“What are you doing here? Someone could see us together.” Well that wasn’t very pleasant of her but I could understand her fears.

“If you are so afraid, then let’s go somewhere else, somewhere we could be alone.” I suggested but she wasn’t so keen on it.

“Oh my God you are afraid of being alone with me.” I stated what was perfectly clear; it was so disappointing how low she thought of me because I was gay, clearly kissing her the other day wasn’t the right move, she thinks all I want form her is sex. I need to correct her typical irrespective idea of the Gay culture.

“I promise you it will be just for talking, away from the prying eyes.” I sighed, my frustration growing by the second, “Look, here’s my guitar you can hit me with it if I try anything on you, deal?” She was actually considering it which made me burst with laughter, heart-felt laughter, laughing again was nice, and being close to her was even nicer.

“You were actually considering hitting me with my guitar, how could you be so heartless? Unbelievable really, I am so disappointed in you, I expected you to be a peaceful person.” I shook my head, my tone was mocking, and I was shaking, trying so hard to suppress my laughter but failing badly.

“Haha, you’re a real charmer.” She was now hitting me for real maybe to prove a point, her fists were too small to make damage, but my shoulder was already damaged and aching.

“Aw, Aw that hurts, it’s my injured shoulder remember? Need a little memory jogging?” I smiled wickedly waiting for her to catch on, she gasped realizing what I meant by that.

“You ass.” She continued hitting me playfully. My shoulder was really hurting no kidding.

“Okay, okay please stop, it hurts, a lot, I promised you I’m not going to do anything but talk, this time.”

“And what makes you so sure that there will be another time?”

“Oh I know there will be another time because I’m so damn irresistible.”

“And you’re cocky too.” Her smile broadening.

“Wanna try? We’ll see if you could resist me, just to prove my point nothing more.” I stepped one step toward her, she looked horrified, her cheeks turning vivid red.

“Relax, I’m just joking, you’re cute though when you blush. But really my kiss was that bad?”

“Bad? You’re kidding right? You were intoxicating, I almost fainted, resisting kissing you back was almost impossible, when you kissed me I felt infinite, like nothing and no one matters and this past week the pull toward you was getting stronger I don’t know how I survived five days without talking to you. You are right; I have to admit you are irresistible. And I’m sorry for your shoulder, seriously are you all right?” I could see that admitting all that wasn’t easy so I saw that it was time to change the subject and try not to embarrass her more.

“I’m fine, but come on we need to get away from here or your curious friends will come and find us here or will eavesdrop so let’s go.” I took her hand in mine like it was a perfectly normal thing between us and started running toward the stairs, going to the 2nd floor heading for the hallway that connected all the 3 buildings.

I’m going to take her far away from the painting classroom where no one can hear us or see us. I’m taking her to the 3rd floor of the 3rd building. Everyone hated that floor, it was the floor where we study math so I’m pretty sure it’s abandoned now, and no one will bother us or interrupt us. I kept shushing her all the way to classroom number 28, she was laughing too loud, if she kept laughing like this someone will eventually notice us.

We got there quickly, I wasn’t ready to let go of her hand. We were both breathless and her cheeks and nose were flushed from the cold, not kissing them was impossible but I promised her that we’ll only talk and I’m keeping that promise to her, I’m not going to screw what we have, whatever it is.

“Your hands are awfully cold, doesn’t that bother you?” We sat on the teacher’s desk still holding hands.

“My hands are always cold even in the summer, I just got used to it. You know what they say ‘a person who has cold hands is a devil walking on earth’ what do you think about that?” I said glimpsing at her, she held both my hands in hers trying to get them warm.

“I can verify that. So is it hard playing the guitar with your hands always cold? I heard it hurts a lot.”

“It does hurt a lot but with constant training, my fingers got used to it. If you don’t mind, I’m going to play you a song, I don’t know if you’ll like it but concentrate with the lyrics and it probably won’t sound as good playing it with only the acoustic guitar and you may not like my voice too. I’m just warning you.”

“Oh come on just play the song you got me excited to hear you sing.”

I’m going to play Burn by Ellie Goulding; I thought maybe this song could motivate her. I started playing the first chords.

“We, we don’t have to worry ‘bout nothing

Cause we got the fire, and we’re burning one hell of a something

They, they gonna see us from outer space, outer space

Light it up, like we’re the stars of the human race, human race

When the lights turned down, they don’t what they heard

Strike the match, play it loud, giving love to the world

We’ll be raising our hands, shining up to the sky

Cause we got the fire, fire, fire, yeah we got the fire fire fire.”

And I went on and on with the lyrics and playing the guitar until the song was finished, my fingers hurt like hell but I was pleased to see her enjoying herself in my presence not being tense or preservative. After I finished, she launched herself at me hugging me and kissing my cheek, her hug was so tight I had trouble breathing then she realized what she was doing so she let go of me and started clapping. I realized something today she was actually shorter than me, when she hugged me her head was touching my neck, I guess I never noticed before because it wasn’t important-

“That was so good, and your voice is… God. And the song was just amazing. What’s the name of the song?” I blushed at her compliments.

“Aww, look who’s looking cute blushing now.” At her words I turned redder, not finding my words.

“Ok ok, enough talking about me. The name of the song is Burn by Ellie Goulding and I didn’t bring you here to just serenade you by a song, we need to get into the serious stuff now. I’m sure you have a lot of questions and that you’re struggling with yourself right now, so feel free to ask anything, whatever it is.” She needed to have some clarity, and we needed to set some things straight about Gays and the Gay culture, I don’t want her to be alone while figuring out who she really is. She seemed hesitant about this whole thing, I need to gain her trust but I don’t know what to do more than this to prove to her that I’m not going to hurt her or use her, that’s just not me.

“So are you going to ask or what?”

“Okay so how did you figure out that you liked girls that way? I mean I’m 18 years old and before you made me question everything, I was convinced that the only relationships that exist are between a girl and a boy. When did you find out?”

“Well you know everyone’s straight until they’re not, until someone comes along and changes their whole prospective on relationships. For you I was that person, and for me it happened when I was 15, everyone’s sexual awakening is different, but before realizing that I have feelings for a girl, I kind of knew because I never liked a boy that way, they were always friends to me, the thought of me dating a boy never crossed my mind. Before that girl came and turned my world upside down I wasn’t certain why I was the way I was, before her I didn’t even know the words ‘Lesbian’ and ‘Gay’. It’s different with every person, some just knew from the beginning and some like us just needed a push in the right direction.”

I tried to simplify as much as possible and put it into words because it was difficult describing feelings and experiences. She continued being silent, expressionless and motionless like a statue. The silence lingered for too long and it was time to break it.

“Hey are you okay? You look like you’ve seen a ghost or something.” I was facing her now, holding her frightened face in my hands.

“What’s wrong? Just tell me.” I was more terrified; was it something I said? What did I do wrong to make her colors fade?

“I was just replaying my entire life, trying to put the pieces together, trying to answer one of the many questions floating in my mind: How did I become a lesbian? Was there any signs? And you’re right there were plenty of signs but I was too oblivious to see them or maybe I knew and just ignored the fact that I like girls and buried it in the deepest corner of my mind or maybe I was in a trance for the past 18 years of my FUCKING LIFE.”

She cried, slamming the wooden table with her fists, shouting, her face burned so much you could fry eggs on it, she started shaking violently. She clung to my chest, all her anger quickly turned to tears and soft sobs against it.

“Shhh” I said soothingly, “Look I’m not going to tell not to cry or scream, if that’s your way of letting go of that anger boiling inside of you then cry until you can no more, scream, shout do whatever you want and if you want break things too just don’t let it all inside because everyone has a breaking point, don’t shut down just talk to someone, anyone and know that if you need me you’ll always find me.” I whispered kissing her hair.

We stood there for I don’t know how long, not doing anything, her tears stopped streaming after a while and her loud sobs died down and was replaced by quiet sniffles.

“Are you okay now?” I said while stepping back to catch a glimpse of her face, her nose and cheeks were flushed and her eyes were blood shot.

“Yeah, I’m fine and I’m sorry for all the crying and soaking your clothes, its cold you’ll probably get sick-“

“Stop apologizing for the things that are in the past now and the one’s you had no control over. I cry when I get angry too you know.” She smiled, hugging me again and I couldn’t help notice that she was shaking from the cold. It’s freezing in here because almost all the windows’ glass is broken, and I’m so stupid for not noticing that sooner, I took her from that painting club without leaving her time to get her jacket or coat. I took off my jacket for her to take it, I think I’ll be warm enough, but she refused.

“Come on take it, I’m wearing enough clothes to keep warm in a blizzard. Take it, I feel like I’m on fire inside.” I ordered firmly.

“I’m sure that fire inside of you isn’t because of your clothes.” She said smirking.

“And what do you mean by that?”

“That’s my effect, baby, you’re on fire because of me.”

“Or maybe I’m boiling because I’m horny and I want to fuck you so hard right here, right now and finding it so hard to stop myself. Now how about that baby.” I replied, pinning her to the wall, leaning for a kiss, letting my hand wander under her clothes and for that I got slapped so hard my ears started ringing and my glasses went flying.

I picked up my glasses from the floor then put my jacket over her shoulders and with her looking so disgusted there was nothing to do but turn around, pick up my guitar and leave with whatever is left from my dignity.

And while walking away I couldn’t help but think how humiliating that was, I stopped by the door to clear things up:

“I promised you that I won’t try anything on you, you should’ve known that I was just joking around with you, that’s just who I am, that’s how I joke around, you should learn how to separate joking from reality. And you know what? Even if you’re willing to have sex with me, I wouldn’t do it. You think so low of sometimes, it’s disappointing. Or is that how you see of me all the time? Don’t answer that, just don’t.” I continued walking, touching the swelling on my cheek which formed the shape of a hand and which was hurting as hell.

“Aw, she really has a steely hand.” I merely whispered and kept poking the spot.

“Thanks, I guess I should thank my brother for the years of training on him to get this tough hand.” I turned my head so swiftly at the sound of her; I actually heard a crack in my neck. I started massaging my neck waiting for her to say something. I looked too eager for her, I cursed at myself till there was no words left.

“Oh my God, is that because of me? Aww, I’m so sorry. It looks so painful, what can I do to make it better?” It’s painful all right.

“Well if you’re insisting on doing something then kiss me.” I covered my face with my hand talking quickly before she strikes:

“Please don’t hit me.” She, laughing came as a surprise, she pushed my hands away from my face and pulled me closer and she tiptoed to kiss my cheek and then brought my head down so she could kiss my neck. I couldn’t contain my blush and the heat I was radiating.

“Is it still hurting you?”

“Yes, it still terribly hurts; I think I’m going to need an awful lot of kisses to take the pain away.” I gave her my best in-pain expression followed by my famous puppy eyes.

“You know those puppy eyes won’t work on me and my kisses aren’t meant for anybody, just so you know.”

“Ouch that hurts.” I faked a heart attack “and now you gave me heartache. You really are dangerous, just to be safe we should keep a few inches between us.” I backed away from her but she caught me by the wrist and pulled me closer and I just couldn’t resist anymore so I took her face in my hands and kissed her flushed cute little nose, then hugged her, kissing the top of her head.

“Where’s the jacket I gave you.”

“Well, I find that hugging gives me more warmth. How about that?” As a response I hugged her more tightly I was afraid she was going to suffocate.

“Let’s get inside and if there are any more questions or slapping feel free to do it, I actually find it sexy when you become aggressive. Roar.” We started giggling like idiots for no apparent reason like two girls started going insane. It was hard calming down because every time we look at each other we burst out laughing and we went on like that until we finally managed to calm down.

“So any questions?” We were sitting on the teacher’s desk again.

“Yeah, just one.” She paused for a moment then said:

“How did you accept that you’re gay? Inside of me there’s a war going on. A battle between guilt and shame. Always afraid of what my parents would do to me if they found out and nothing seems to help and society does not have mercy and does not accept what’s different and they never will. And right now all I could think of is: this is not happening and why me or it’s impossible for me to be gay it’s just impossible. So what’s the magical solution that you used to make amends with yourself and finally find peace?” I tightened my grip around her hand because everything she said seemed hauntingly familiar and utterly painful to recall and I’m going to do whatever it takes to get her through these dark days.

“First of all you should know that homosexuality isn’t a choice, either you’re born gay or you’re not, it’s as simple as that, there’s no switch to turn when you want to, it’s never like that. And as for how I accepted that I’m gay, I stumbled upon Apollo’s philosophy. He said:”Every soul was split into two so that they could find each other in their human life.” I embraced that philosophy and that was when I realized that it doesn’t matter if I like girls or boys as long as it means that I’m happy and that was when I said ‘Fuck the rest of the world my happiness is more important’. I suggest you do the same, find something to hold on to like a song or a quote or a picture that has meaning to you or like me you could embrace Apollo’s philosophy.” I paused debating whether to tell her or not about the bad aspects of coming out and the suffering she’ll have to get through.

“And you should know that life as a lesbian won’t be easy.” I started but not finding words to continue, I didn’t want to terrify her but she also needs to know that life post coming out won’t be all pink and rainbows. Every rainbow needs rain, and every bad ending is a new beginning; she should also know that.

“Please listen and don’t interrupt me okay?” She nodded and I found the courage to continue.

“If you choose to come out things won’t be so pink in the beginning. People will judge you; will bully you every second of every day for the rest of your time here. Friends will turn around on you, they will call you names and they will spread rumors about you, it will be a never ending cycle of hell here. And don’t get me started on parents especially if they’re close-minded and don’t accept reasoning. You’ll get disgusting looks from everyone who knows that you’re gay. And I’m assuming that you’re a religious person so religion will play a great role in your conflict with yourself. The line between right and wrong will be blurred, and if you’re not strong enough you’ll get into pretty messed up things just to take the pain away, you’ll do anything to stay numb, just like I did.” I stared into nothingness, flashbacks recurring now and then, fighting hard to keep my tears in my eyes.

“You went through all of that? No one deserves all that pain and suffering.” Her soft whisper startled me, pulled me out of my memories.

“If you knew a fraction of what I’ve been through, it would break you to pieces.” I sighed trying to block all the memories out, focusing all of my attention on Lily, fiddling with her fingers; clearly my words had affected her greatly.

“You’re awfully quiet, anything on your mind?” I moved away from her to get a better view of her face, to focus on her expressions, on her scandalous eyes, not too far away but not too close, I kept a safety distance between us.

“Yeah, I just want to know one thing. What did your parents do to you when they found out?” I felt pure terror roaming my eyes and I tried so hard to conceal it, tried not to freak her out so much.

“Are you sure you want to know? Because my parents weren’t very kind with this ‘disease’ of mine.” I sat on the floor ignoring its stinging coldness, my back leaning on the wall waiting for her answer.

“Yes, I want to know how inhumane can these people be, I want to be sure that humanity has died inside of them, I want to know how cruel can they be with their daughter, their own flesh and blood, the one they were supposed to love unconditionally and protect?” I looked up to see anger flaring from her eyes and behind all that anger and bitterness there was hurt, the very kind I knew so well, accompanied with disappointment.

“You sound so angry and bitter. Why’s that?” she laughed bitterly.

“You really have no idea. Do you?” She laughed again, “Aside from the yelling and shouting for almost everything and the daily beating they’re absolutely perfect. I don’t know how my brother was handling it. Sometimes I feel like shouting to get all that anger out and sometimes all I can do is cry. I’m so afraid that one day I wouldn’t be able to control my anger and actually physically hurt them both.” She sighed before going on, “I shouldn’t be telling you this, I’m sure you have enough of this yourself.”

“No, its okay you can talk to me. It’s good to talk about these things, it helps taking the anger away even if not to me just talk to someone. So you said that you didn’t know how your brother ‘was’ handling it, is he…” I didn’t how to say it without sounding so rude and insensitive.

“You mean dead? No, he’s not dead. He’s a year older than me so now he’s a freshman in a university as far away from my parents as possible and that’s exactly what I’m going to do.”

“I know exactly how you feel, that’s also my plan. For me my parents are just a means to an end. I feel nothing towards them even hatred is too much to give them and to be honest I’m not sure I ever felt something towards them except maybe for when I was a kid.”

“This brings me back to my question. What did your parents do when they found out that you’re gay?” I focused so hard on my hands I was going to burn a hole into them. I tried to avoid her anticipating eyes as much as possible but she came and sat cross-legged in front of me, lifting my face gently to meet her eyes and wiping the tears that fell unnoticed by me.

“Was it that bad?” My tears began to fall more freely on my cheeks; I closed my eyes wanting block everything out.

After a while, I opened my eyes to find myself securely wrapped in her arms and to find that I soaked her t-shirt. Great, now she will freeze to death because of me and I’m pretty sure that I’m a mess. My glasses needs cleaning and definitely my face, the mascara must’ve stained it.

“I’m sorry, now you definitely should take my jacket.” I started to get up but she pulled me back to her.

“The jacket can wait … Are you going to talk about it, remember tour advice, the one about not bottling things up so go on I’m listening.” Her insistence wasn’t helping keeping the memories away and my tears threatened to spill at any second.

I huffed; there was no way around her question after my crying session so I figured honesty is the best policy.

“Okay first of all I want no interruptions and please don’t pity me okay?” she nodded so I continued.

“I was never close to my parents, we were worlds apart. My mind and theirs worked in a totally different way and they never liked that. I was always too American for them and they were always too pushy and too strict so we never got along and always fought especially with my mother. For too whole years I was into self-harm.” I paused for a moment to show her the scars on my wrists then resumed.

“I was also into drugs and alcohol and all that was just to escape the pain of discovering I was gay and her rejection or maybe try to ignore it, I don’t know honestly those couple of years were a blur and finally I decided to tell them they, um, they…” I trailed off, finding it very difficult to find my voice again.

She held my face between her cold hands and whispered, her voice reassuring: “keep going, I’m here with you.”

“They whipped me on a daily basis hoping that this was just a phase and that if they show me pain it’ll go away until they lost hope and started acting like I don’t exist. Now they just give me money, a lot of it so I can buy clothes and stuff and to have no reason to talk to them. Can you believe that I haven’t talked to my parents for over a year now?” I sighed, I was so aware of her holding my face so close to hers.

“Ahem.” I said turning my face away from hers and started getting up. “You know if you want me to control myself around you, you got to stop doing that.” She pulled me again and this time I fell on top of her, our hands intertwined so it looks like I’m pinning her to the ground.

“Stop doing what?” She whispered against my lips then pulled my face closer with her free hand making our lips touch so lightly, so delicately. She shivered under me after brief seconds of our lips’ meeting.

I pulled away from her unwillingly. “Come on; wear the freaking jacket you’re seriously going to freeze.” She groaned protesting.

“Come on we need to get going, aren’t you worried that your friends will start looking for you? They probably are looking for you already we’ve been here for almost two hours. And what’s the sudden change of heart, I’m pretty sure I got slapped for trying to kiss you.” I wasn’t angry but annoyed, and confused, her mood swings are hard to keep up with.

I waited for no answer, I just gave her the jacket, and making sure she wore it this time, picked up my guitar and started going for the door.

“I… I…” she trailed off, and I stood there, not turning toward her because I know the sight of her will melt my heart, waiting for her to finish.

“I just wanted to see how I’ll feel if all the guilt and fear and everything was subsided. It was awesome, incredible, fantastic, magnificent.” With each word she came closer and closer until she was right behind me, wrapping her hand around my waist, and pressing her body against mine. I gasped and suppressed a moan.

“For me, it was all that.” She kissed my neck between words, making it extremely hard for me to stay still, unaffected by her presence. “But you, you just pulled away from me.” She continued her slow torture. “You didn’t like it? You pulling away from me really hurt my feelings.” She said with false hurt, I know that because if she was really hurt we wouldn’t be standing in this position right now.

“Alice I think I’ll need a lot of kisses to heal my feelings… Will you heal my feelings?” She whispered, pressing her body against mine harder and I let my moan escape my lips, I started to boil under my clothes, my heat was uncontrollable.

She let her hands fall away from me, triumph, I guessed.

“Satisfied now?” I question, my voice hoarse, betraying me.

“Oh yeah, absolutely satisfied.” We linked our hands and headed out, I knew that after this day we won’t be able to talk as freely, I have nothing to hide but she won’t come out anytime soon.

“So the electric blue hair and the biker girl style is all meant to get your parents’ attention?” She asked casually trying to sound indifferent but failing hard. I pursed my lips together not willing to talk about my parents anymore.

After a minute or so she broke the silence:

“Okay, okay if you don’t want to talk about it we won’t but pretend as much as you like that you don’t care what they think about you or what they do but you do just like everyone else.”

“But I’m not everyone else. You know what I told them when I declared I was gay? I told them that if they want perfect they should go buy a Barbie.”

“No you did not.” I laughed at her shock.

“Oh yes I did. Enough about me, what about you? Are you officially a lesbian?” We stood before her painting classroom, not wanting to part ways.

“Let’s just say that for now I’m not into labels.” I was perfectly happy with that. I will stand by her till she figures out everything, I will stand by her through everything, I was as sure about that as my sexuality.

I leaned in and pressed my mouth to hers memorizing this feeling, I’m not sure when we’ll be able to do this again and as freely.