Chapter One
I ran away that night never looked back. I had to save myself. I wouldn’t die for anyone even if that someone was my best friend. I wish I had back for her, had stayed with her. I couldn’t be that selfish and let her die because of me but I did let her.
Now, the guilt is eating me alive: I keep hearing her screaming my name, I keep picturing her body. I hear no one, I see no one but her. I’m suffering from insomnia. Every time I close my eyes I see her dying or I see her dead body or what’s left of it, believe me I have one hell of imagination. And all that is my fault.
I’m sure, by now, you’d think I’m some crazy girl who hasn’t slept in days. Then, started seeing her dead best friend’s ghost, but I think you need to know the events of that dreadful night.
It all started with Kat and me (yes her name was Katherine Smith and mine is Lily Black) getting accepted at New York University. For us it was a huge deal; we worked so hard for it and besides, we were from a small town in Texas so moving to the big city was exciting and thrilling.
We expected to have a lot of fun, don’t get me wrong, our days in New York were the best of our lives. We did have a lot of fun and adventures, but that recklessness of ours is what got us into trouble in the first place.
Kat was great person; she was fun to be around, beautiful and had a very strong personality, no wonder she wanted to be a lawyer. But I wanted to be a writer and supernatural things fascinated me. We decided to explore every inch in NYC: That was great until Spring break.
During Spring break, we decided to go visit some “haunted” places. Let me tell you that Kat was not the brave type of persons. She had a bad feeling about this trip and didn’t want to go because some of our roommates scared her by telling her some sort of stories, but I, as usual, pushed her into doing this.
This was a perfect opportunity to experience something new that might help inspire me into writing an amazing story.
She was really nervous and trembling while we were on the road so I tried to lighten the atmosphere a little bit and said jokingly:
” We’re going to the Palace Theatre. I did some research and guess what? They say there are over one-hundred ghosts that haunt the place. If we are lucky enough, we’ll see the acrobat’s ghost, who died by breaking his neck. Legend claims that those who see him will soon die.”
The look of pure horror on her face was priceless. I couldn’t help but burst out laughing. She smacked my arm indignantly and glaring at me she responded:
” Haha! Very funny I wonder what you’re going to do when you see a real ghost”. “Relax, everything will be all right” I said chuckling.
It was night time by the time we got there. It was a creepy old theatre, really old and nearby the theatre was a forest.
We entered. Darkness prevailed through all of the theatre and the smell of rotten wood was everywhere. The floor was creaked, it was dusty and filthy, and looked like no one had been there in a really long time. It was a gloomy place. The theatre contained ripped curtains, broken chairs, and windows everywhere. The theatre seemed so ordinary so I wasn’t that scared, I was thrilled but Kat didn’t seem so keen for this tour.
A cold chill ran through my body and touched my face, I turned to see Kat shivering and it started to get freezing in here. A violent shriek came from nowhere, we began to hear wicked laughters and distant footsteps coming toward us but no one appeared and the laughters grew more violent and the whispers grew louder. I turned toward the stage. Mouth gaping, eyes widening I grabbed Kat’s shirt to make her look at the terrifying thing I saw.
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
It was a bit slow to peak my interest at first, I must admit.
But I hung in there, for the payoff.
"I wish I had back for her, had stayed with her."
small blunder in that sentence, but nvm.
"Now, the guilt is eating me alive: I keep hearing her screaming my name, I keep picturing her body. I hear no one, I see no one but her. I’m suffering from insomnia."
A little too sudden I think, the structure of this sentence could've been a bit better.
"Kat was great person; she was fun to be around, beautiful and had a very strong personality, no wonder she wanted to be a lawyer."
I think this should've come a little bit earlier, from your first sentence I was curious as to who we were talking about.
As for the story, I think it's good, but big room for revising.
I also think it's pretty stellar that your thirteen and can write at this level
(although that's looking back on me as a thirteen year old, lol)
Keep writing, I got my eye on you :3
in a totally non-stalker way
density//
Weak opening. We don't know who the character is, where the character is, or even what the character is. As a result, there isn't an emotional impact. Remember the ABC's: action, background, and character. Without that context, we're stuck.
I see, you're trying to build up the hype on this story. But good storytellers don't have to hype up their stories, they just tell them. In this case the hype is rather self-destructive. We know something bad happens and we know more or less how everything is going to turn out. The only point of interest that remains is how it all happens. This isn't a strong enough attraction for a story where we don't even know the character's name.
How about starting it like this:
The parenthesis is not a good way to introduce your characters. Take the time to establish your characters, this way we can know them and like them before they are brutalized. And if it all started at NYU, then why are you talking about their life back in Texas? Also, if they have had some awesome adventures, why aren't we hearing about them?
Was great person? Or was a great person? Just for fun, a little bit of a re-write.
All right, enough of that. Next!
Instead of "In Spring break, use "During spring break."
Also, after telling us about how strong Kat's personality is, you portray her as someone that can be bullied into doing something she doesn't like. People with strong personalities don't respond to bullying; they resent it. Instead, you have to persuade them that they really want to do what they don't want to do.
Make sure to start dialogue on a different line. Notice the difference:
The spaces prevent the dialogue from disappearing into the text block.
This bit sounds so cheesy, like something from Scooby Doo. I think that it would be better if you tried something a little more normal. It is surprising how normal a paranormal place can seem on the outside. Nothing is unusual and you make that comment to someone standing right next to you, only to have them suddenly vanish from view.
There has to be surprise in a horror story.
Hello.! c:
In general this is really good, and I am very excited to continue this story. Although, I do have a few critiques for you.
1- Yes, this is only chapter one, but I believe this could have a little more drama in the beginning to build up the suspense for it to be horror. I did receive a good amount of it, but I believe there can be a tad bit more build up.
2- You're hook is really good, but it just needs a little bit of tweaking.
and
Lastly, 3- I'm not going to point them out directly because others have, but you have some grammar, typo, and word errors.
But, overall it is a really good story. Keep up the good work.
~Tale xx
Walker here, as requested.
Alright, so I don't know if you know this, but I'm a bit of a ranter, so you'll have to bear with me. The nit-picks and obvious grammatical errors were picked off by the other reviewers so I'm just going to get down to business.
This was, in all honestly, a fantastic first draft. The sort of scribbled mess that you would expect when first starting out. You give sporadic details, sort of time-lapse through a lot of information we don't need nor really care to know this early into a story, and then manage to do so by slipping in between past and present tense (all of which could be worked out when you second and or third draft this).
But as an end all be all piece, this wasn't the best I'm sure you're capable of, love.
There's a certain grocery list aspect of this, as if following the 'how to write a novel' format without really giving yourself the chance to expand and extrapolate. The diction was reeling itself in circles with all the errors, misshapen punctuation, and complete disregard for general structure. The first person was bleak and plain. It was so straight forward and utterly predictable, I had a lot of trouble really feeling anything from this.
But it is a start, and as much as I should hate to state some of the things I did prior, we are writers and we need to take criticism with as much care and understanding as we put into our work.
So first, I would take this, flesh it out, repair those grammatical errors, then we'll talk theme and character and diction. I'd love to take this into a google doc or the writersfeedpad so we can discuss it line by line when those said repairs are made. If and when you'd like to do that, let me know.
Anyone who writes deserves the benefit of the doubt. I'm giving you that, and I bet, within the coming year, you'll be fantastic.
~ Walker
sure anytime you want
Alright, I'll just hop right to it for you!
You had a lot of nice moments in this, and below I've picked out the phrases or sentences that really spoke out to me while I was reading or that I felt flowed a little weirdly. Also, below each of them will either be a comment about the sentence or phrase, and maybe some alterations for you to consider
I’m suffering insomnia: Every time I close my eyes I see her dying or I see her dead body or what’s left of it, believe me I have one hell of imagination
--I think what you meant was "I'm suffering (from) insomnia." It tells the reader the condition she is suffering/feeling. "suffering insomnia" just doesn't quite make sense. A minor thing, though. Also, no colon. You aren't listing things after it really, you're describing what its like to have insomnia and why she has it so there should be a period then the next sentence.
I’m sure by now you’d think I’m some crazy girl who hadn’t slept in days and started seeing her dead best friend’s ghost but I think you need to know the events of that dreadful night.
--In this sentence you use no punctuation at all, which made this a very bulky sentence so much information that its scary. Try this maybe : (I'm sure(,) by now(,) you think I'm some crazy girl who (hasn't) slept for days(.) Then(,) started seeing her best friend's ghost(,) but i think you need to know the events of that dreadful night.) See? Broken into pieces and a much better read:D The end can also be tweaked slightly if you feel it doesn't quite fit the fixed beginning (if that's what you choose to do.)
It all started with (Kat and me) (yes her name was Katherine Smith and mine is Lily Black) getting accepted at New York University(.) (F)or us it was a huge deal(;) we worked so hard for it and besides(,) we were from a small town in Texas so moving to the big city was exciting and thrilling(no "and" just a .) (W)e expected to have a lot of fun, don’t get me wrong(,) our days in New York were the best of our lives(again, no "and" just .) (w)e did have a lot of fun and adventures, but that recklessness of ours is what got us into trouble in the first place.
--Kat and me at the beginning, please! (its not Kat and I because if you take Kat out it would read "It all started with I getting accepted to NYU." ..very incorrect there. so Kat and me.) Proper grammar. Also, pay careful attention to the changes in the parentheses! More grammar issues. Before, it was this massive block of text, but here it's broken up into pieces. Here, you had trouble phrasing and it was all one run-on sentence. You kept using "and" everywhere. While "and can be used to combine sentences, you used it in like... five different spots, not including the ones that made sense.. Be careful with that word usage!
In Spring break(,) we decided to go visit some “Haunted” places.
--"In" should be changed to "On" or "during". It's not physically inside of something, its just a break, correct? "In" made me think of something inside of something else. "During" would be your best choice of the two. Also, after "break" there should be a (,) , and "haunted" should not be capitalized, because it's not the name of those places, its an adjective to describe those places.
Let me tell you that Kat was not the brave type of persons(.) (S)he had a bad feeling about this trip and didn’t want to go because some of our roommates scared her by telling her some sort of stories(,) but I(,) as usual(,) pushed her into doing this.
--More grammar issues here. I also feel like the second sentence is a bit long, take a look at that too?
”We’re going to the Palace Theatre(.) I did some research and guess what(?) (T)hey say there (ARE) over (spell out one-hundred) ghosts (that) haunt the place(no "but" just .) If we are lucky enough(,) we’ll see the acrobat’s ghost(,) who died by breaking his neck(.) Legend claims that those who see him will soon die.”
--More grammar here, and phrasing truobles, but I like what you added in here about legends. It gets the reader closer to the story when you add simple details like that
The look of pure horror on her face was priceless(.) I couldn’t help but burst (out) laughing.
--Describe what her face looks like here! Is there eye brow action, a creepy smile? Details won't hurt you:)
It was night time by the time we got there(.) (I)t was a creepy old theatre, really old and nearby there was a forest.
--You reiterate "old" twice in the same sentence.. "nearby the (theatre) was a forest"
We entered(.) Darkness prevailed (through) all of the theatre and (the smell of rotten wood) was everywhere(.) (T)he floor (creaked), it was dusty and filthy, and look(ed) like no one ha(d) been there in a really long time.
--You tried to change the tenses to make it make sense. Avoid this as much as possible or you'll confuse the reader
It was a gloomy place. The theatre contained ripped curtains(no "and" just ,) broken chairs(,) and windows.
--Everywhere didn't really seem to fit with the rest of this sentence so if you want it you can try adding it in other places but be sure the commas stay in the same place because they are items in a sequence.
Overall, you did a great job with the scene, but I could stand more details about the relationship Kat and this other character have. (maybe mention the other character's name? Pretty please?) You also should probably think about how this looks overall. It seems like you have two or three monstrous paragraphs in the middle. Maybe try indenting those to have some separations in ideas. Besides pushy, what else is your character like? Is she tall? Short? Is she a ginger? Does she like
Details before the ending are everything. Remember that
A few more things:
What did she see in the end? You just kind of left me hanging there with quite a few questions :O Also, add more depth to the kind of fear the locals have to add to the background of the theatre, I don't feel like you put enough in.
Overall, Well done.
Feel free to PM me
Keep writing,
Ash
Hi, CrazyGirl! Alvarin here
Here's the review you asked for. I haven't read the other reviews, so this has probably been said before, but here I go anyway:
There are some flaws with the grammar, spelling, punctuation and so on, because right now it's a bit difficult to read, but keep practicing and I'm sure it'll get much better. You really need to work with how it flows, but I think that'll get better with practice too. Remember not to write too long sentences, and if you can you should let someone else read it first, 'cause it can be very hard to see your own mistakes.
The plot itself is really nice, and made a proper ghost story. I especially liked the end. It's rare that I think that something is creepy, but the end really was. I would've liked to see more action and less talking about the main characters, since that would've made it more interesting.
Are you planning on writing more chapters? I'd like to read them
Keep writing, and keep practicing your English. - Alvarin
yeah there's more to this story
Hello there!
This should be a period, not a comma. Don't wanna have a run-on sentence!
This sentence doesn't live up to the quality you've set up for us. You sucked us right in with the first line, and this makes me feel like you're settling. Like you couldn't figure out how to tell us the fact any other way. I would suggest adding an action in between, or even a thought instead of just telling us.
You're getting dangerously close to having a bunch of run-on sentences, which not only confuses the reader, but brings down the quality I KNOW this has.
You need a line break after this sentence.
You could bring this into the story through thoughts, flashbacks, or dialogue. You're getting to be telling us the story instead of showing us, and even though it sort of fits the story format, I still would rather you show us instead.
O.O that's a really really big sentence. I would also delete or revise the whole thing between the >><<.
What does having a strong personality and being beautiful have to do with a lawyer? A doctor can have a strong personality. A police man can have a strong personality. See what I mean? Now you're not just getting close to telling, you are telling.
During?
'persons' should be 'person'.
Don't forget your dialogue tags!
This whole section needs some serious revision. Even though I 'fixed' it, it's still not really right.
SO this was good. I know I sound harsh, but you gotta work on a lot of this. You're telling not showing, and I really don't feel any emotions inside the charries. In fact, a part of me really isn't curious what happens next because you haven't made the characters really matter to me. I know you can though, because this is a good start. So just work on the things I've pointed out above, and PM me if you have any questions!
xx Sparkles
Hello CrazyGirl! Firstly, welcome to the site, hope you're liking it so far
Now, I can see you've gotten quite a few reviews so far, so I hope my comments are of help!
Okay, so I really like your style of writing because I think that it's actually really engaging, especially the ending! I agree with Snoink in saying it made me feel nervous... Which isn't a bad thing. It's actually a really good thing, for me anyway. I just really want to commend it! I also like your use of second person writing, because sometimes I've seen in the past that people try and use it but it doesn't work, but you seem to have used it really well, which makes it really nice to read.
As for improvements I would say just adding more detail to things. I know that this is a chapter one so of course, there is more to come, but what I think this is missing is detail. This is actually quite short, so I'm not saying put in loads and loads of boring stuff, but just add things so you can imagine what is going on much better. I like your detail about the best friend, but perhaps you can add more to the bit about the haunted house. Obviously you don't want to give too much away, but just expand on things, yeah?
Overall, I really did enjoy reading this. Your style is fantastic, and you've got lots of potential!
Please feel free to PM me if you want anything else reviewed and hope you like the site!
-Tamara xxx
Hey CrazyGirl,
Here as asked.
I'm going to hand the compliments out at the end.
I would say this is pointless and the easy way out. Introduce their names in the text. You don't use parentheses after this, so it's not consistent with your style. It just doesn't work. It comes of like 'oh crap! I forgot to slip their names in.'
I'm just going to point out that this is ONE sentence. This is what people are seeing when they say your punctuation is kind of weird. This is far too long for one sentence.
An s isn't necessary.
I have to agree with Hannah at this point. This is an artless cliff hanger. It doesn't do you any favors. Here is where Beckiw's advice comes in handy. You can 'show' instead of 'tell.' Just get rid of the bolded piece and focus on Lily's reactions. Then you can build it up and cut off much more effectively.
Anyways, most things can be taken care of with some editing.
I like Lily. The brash, bold character that then regrets an action intrigues me. If you play your cards right, she could be awesome.
I also like Kat. Her innocence is nice beside Lily's character.
I think you need to recognize that to make people care, you're going to have to make a huge character based story. You have great characters to work off of.
That's it for me.
Any questions, just ask.
Megsug
Okay, I get it. No intent for anyone to get hurt, not really believing in the paranormal, but then something bad really did happen, but did you have to leave us with worst cliff-hanger? What was the purpose of it? Wouldn't you rather keep us going? What is the terrifying thing we saw? Because we weren't allowed to continue through the story, we will remember nothing about it until we get more. There's nothing here that's significant!
what do we have: one girl who is scared of paranormal things, but good otherwise.
one girl who is not scared, wants to be a writer and get a good story out of a slightly interesting experience, and stuff goes wrong.
it's a little like the start of a no-quality horror movie. which means the beginning is completely lame and no one likes it, and we want to get to the action.
i will say that the conversational tone, which may be unintentional, works well. it brings a reality to the voice that is not present in any of the description. but you must be careful that it doesn't stray into rambles or off-topics or awkward descriptions that would only be appropriate in third person (like the declaration of people's names in the beginning).
i guess i don't know what else to say. push on. get to the good stuff. write more, and good luck.
let me know if you have questions.
Hannah the haunted house is not where the things go wrong. The haunted house is just a stop along the way.
Hey CrazyGirl!
Sorry for not getting to this sooner! However, I am here now, so let's get back to business quickly!
I liked this story, though I am a bit nervous about it so far... Kat is dead?! How did that happen?! (I know, I know... stay tuned for more!) And Lily seems to be the one who caused it, which gives me a bit of a pause. She seems kind of detached about the whole thing, actually, but obviously it has effected her. Or, at least I hope it's affected her in some way. Still, I feel kind of bad for her at the moment, considered that she didn't even want to go to this theater in the first place. Still, maybe she kind of deserved it? Lily doesn't seem to feel guilty about it or anything, so I can only assume that she must have done something to bring about her death, besides actually visiting the place.
I do wonder why Lily is so involved with the supernatural and sorts to the point where she would visit this place, but she doesn't really care about the ghosts at all, or even consider if they can be real. I mean! That's gas money to go to a place to see nothing. But I am probably overthinking this. Still, it makes me wonder!
I am going to concur with beckiw a little bit and say that I would like a little more depth, especially about the characters of the two girls. I don't really know them yet, and I think that it would be better to know a little bit more about them (ah, the stories of two best friends!) before we get to this story.
I also must admit that I was kind of overwhelmed by the punctuation errors all throughout the story. There are comma splices and improperly used colons and a bunch of other things. If you would like, tell me and I can go through one by one the grammatical errors so that you can see what I am talking about. Otherwise, just be aware of them.
Anyway, it's a wonderful start, and I can't wait to see what you do with this! Sorry this review is so late, and I hope that it will be helpful as you continue this story (because you should continue this story!)
Wow.
I really like this piece. I don't know what I would fix up. You had me at the word go, and despite the gaping lack of care with which this was put together I was glued to my seat all the way through.
I think the telliness and imperfections that riddled your story made it seem far more real than it might have otherwise. You are getting the first star I've given in a long time for this hardcore whizbanger.
The details you throw around so carelessly had me enthralled and I actually got worried you were telling a true story until you reached the haunted house part. The only advice I can give you is to take that last part and make it more realistic, because once I knew it was fiction it didn't have the same effect.
it's a little fiction yeah but let's just say that the haunted house is just the beginning and not where the things go wrong.
Hi, there
it also goes for the later part of this writing - there you suddenly started using much shorter sentences. I know that you probably did it to make it more dramatic, but it just doesn't really flow for me.
This one is nice - I liked it.
The only thing I have to say could be improved, is the punctuation. I personally love long sentences and I put a lot of commas myself, but sometimes instead of a comma it's better to put a '-' or such. It separates the sentence, but still it's obvious that its all the same thought
It's written in a very nice, simple way (I say that as a non-native English speaker, because it means a lot to me), the story is not hard to follow at all, and it really makes me want to read what's going to happen next! It's very easy to imagine it all as a movie, actually. Well done
Kind regards,
Aria
Heya CrazyGirl
I ran away that night and never looked back. I had to save myself, I wouldn’t die for anyone, even if it was my best friend. But now I wished I came back for her, or stayed with her.
"We’re going to the Palace Theatre. I did some research and guess what, they say there is over one hundred ghosts haunting the place.
So you have a few gammatical errors here and there.
In the first paragraph,
Spoiler
Your punctuation is a bit messed up. You seem to like commas a bit too much and you use them excessively. You do this throughout the story and while it doesn't necessarily confuse me as an avid reader, it might confuse someone else.
Also in the fifth paragraph,
Spoiler
butIf we are lucky enough we’ll see the acrobat’s ghost who died by breaking his neck, legend claims that those who see him will soon die.” The look of pure horror on her face was priceless. I couldn't help but burst laughing.^
She smacked my arm indignantly.
andGlaring at me she responded ”Haha! Very funny, I wonder what you’re going to do when you see a real ghost.”^
“Relax, everything will be all right” I said chuckling.
You should always start a new paragraph when characters are speaking. And if you're not going to indent, at least put a space between paragraphs. Most readers won't want to read a large block of text.
You have a great story here, and I'd love to read more. If you could fix all the small problems with your work, they'd be much more enjoyable to read. A good ideas no good if you can't share it properly.
Keep up the good work and keep on writing
This story is really well written. Just a few grammatical mistakes here and there, but other than that, good job.
The story's premise is very nice and it actually sent a few chills up my spine, but I'd like to see more of the emotion aspect of it too, because that, I think, just makes it even more haunting.
As you write I'm sure you get better at framing your sentences, because sometimes they're a little awkward.
That is really all I can tell you,
Keep up the good work,
CrazyGirl, hey there!
Okay, so your story does need some work. But most of it is just little things (like, long sentences and in places wording is a bit strange, etc.). I think all you really need to do is read through it a couple times and change some things.
Other than that, I think your idea is pretty cool. I like scary stories! So, hopefully, I'll get to read the next chapter!
Sorry if that didn't help a lot, I'm not very good with reviews! XP
Munchkin
That was a really good story!
I am not a really good writer so I can just tell you my opinion as a reader.
I really enjoyed the beginning but then i think the story was too short... If you want to you can make it bigger and add some more details, but if you like it short I firmly believe it should have a surprising end! For excample Lily could be Kats murderer but not on purpose. Kat could have been anoyed by the way Lily scared her and put a prank on her. Then Lily could be scared and as she was trying to defend herself she killed her best friend.... (Well thats just an idea) I hope you will find this helpfull!
This is the first chapter so there will be more to this story
Hi CrazyGirl!
I was just about to look over this on your blog when I saw that you'd posted here. Glad you got enough points to post
So you wanted some help with how you could take this story further so let's see...I assume since you titled this Chapter 1 that you imagine this to be a novel or novella length story, in which case you have a lot of time to acquaint the reader with the characters and you also have the luxury of setting the scene.
In this Chapter you have an awful lot of material that you could make last a good few chapters. I like the beginning and how you set out Lily's mental state at the moment and you flat out tell the reader that something bad is going to happen, which is very intriguing. You've set up a question in the reader's mind and that is what you want to do.
However once you get into telling us the actual story of what happened, you start to slip too far into telling mode. Instead you should show us this story. This should help you flesh out the story more and get more material.
For example, why not start the story with Kat and Lily coming to live in New York. That way you can show us their friendship and their dynamic. We, the reader, would also get to spend a little time with them before the horrible thing happens to Kat. The death of a character is much more effective if the author has given us time to get to know about them and care about them. Otherwise there is no emotional connection there and the reader isn't invested in the story.
So perhaps your first chapter or two can be setting up Kat and Lily as characters. Who are these two? How do they relate to each other? And instead of just telling us about it, show us through their dialogue and how they interact with each other.
Then after that you can start getting into the night everything bad happened but again, don't rush it and just tell us what happened, make us feel it. Make us feel afraid. Don't be in a race to get to the exciting bit. I know it can be frustrating sometimes because of course we want to write the exciting bit but it's the lead up to the exciting bit that makes it all the more amazing.
Another quick note is just to read through your story out loud because you have some missing words here and awkward sentences and reading it out would help you identify them.
Keep working on this though, it definitely has potential and I like the idea of Lily being haunted by her friend when she was interested in writing the Supernatural.
PM me if you have any questions. I'd be happy to help and I hope you enjoy the site!
Bex x
Hey!
This is a great story! It gave me the shivers, quite realistic...the image you crated is vivid and perfect for the story.The reactions and emotions were spot-on. Great work...Looking forward to know what happens next