z

Young Writers Society



Bitter-Root

by CrazyBob


I like some of the imagery here, i.e. the description of the distant fences in repose. Very nice. I think the line-breaks mid-sentence are a bit awkward, however. Consider breaking at more logical points. Good work.

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758 Reviews

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Thu Oct 25, 2007 8:28 pm
Cade wrote a review...



Urgh...sorry, I was writing my critique and Internet Explorer decided to spaz, and now I must rewrite it.

That's okay, though, because it was fairly short.

On the subject of line breaks, I think the mid-sentence interruption was entirely justified. You meant for it to be abrupt and slightly unbalancing. The mood created by this only helps the poem.

The dead in their pastures cannot bother with mercy.
Fantastic, captivating beginning. It sets the stage for the farm metaphor of the lines to follow, and it's also a powerful image.

grassy, algae-ed water trough

Normally, I would be opposed to this because I hate it when words are randomly created--but algae-ed seems fine. It doesn't look right on the page, but said aloud it seems perfectly fine. I dislike it, though, because "algae" makes me think of lakes and oceans and I don't think it grows on water troughs. Well, I haven't been on a farm since I was ten, so maybe it does. Still, a different word might have been better.

Overall, excellent stuff. One of your best, at least that I've seen. Beautiful. Thoughtful. And other good words that make me sound really easily impressed by your poetry...which I am. Impressed, that is.

-Colleen




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Thu Oct 25, 2007 2:29 pm
Alteran wrote a review...



That went a little over my head as far as meaning, but the images are strong. I like how it created an odd reading because of the way you broke the lines up. It gave it a very eeire feeling which seemed to fit with the subject matter.

Other than my lack of understanding it looks pretty good. *feels dumb*





I think the best thing about making it into the quote generator is when nobody tells you, so one day you're just scrolling and voila, some phenomenally inane thing that crawled out of your dying synapses and immediately regretted being born the second it made contact with the air has been archived for all time. Or worse, a remark of only average inanity. Never tell me when you've put me in the generator. Pride-tinged regret just doesn't taste the same without the spice of surprise.
— SirenCymbaline