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Joining the Stars

by Craz

As the stars caressed their faces with a strange creamy wind and the Earth below them seemed so diminutive, the lives that went about their pathetic ways so insignificant,Madelyn was for the first time at ease. She was no longer scared or intimidated by such gay things as destiny and future, because for the first time she knew for certain what would come of her; what would be her fate. She wasn't so scared of the missing concrete at the tip of her shoes or her sudden lack of balance as she teetered on the edge. She wasn't scared about what people would think of her, of them; she wascompletely and wholeheartedly at ease, and there was nothing anyone could do about it.

"You ready?" Avery said. Madelyn wasn't sure why Avery was here with them, who was the girl with the rich family and rich life, void of the treacherous things the rest of them had gone through before they could finally grasp their purpose. She could have a future, with a handsome blue eyed blonde haired man with two beautiful children, as they would both be similarly attractive. Avery's hair twisted in a sudden just of wind and turned into a brief torrent of fine golden strands, and as her hair died she turned back to where the city shined her dark eyes. As if her facing Madelyn hadn't been enough to remind her of how perfect Avery was.

No matter, it would all be much better soon. Duncan, a willowy boy with a slash of black hair so fine and long that it hid his hollowed face and reproachful pond colored eyes, for the first time did not hold his usual air of contained irritation. He stood next to Madelyn with his bony shoulders sagging withcontentedness and what features she could see were painted with relief, and even though he did not she smiled. There were two others that had ridden hell until they had finally reached this climax with them, a bulky hard headed inked boy named Brenton and Madelyn's best friend that had stuck with her much longer than the rest had, Eve. Not one of them was aware of her real name, a taboo secret that had tightened the bond between them as young girls, and she wasthe one that led them as hopeless wandering sheep and gave them hope.

We took hands, a thread of individuals strung together for one sole purpose. Past grievances sank their needy clingy fingernails into her chest and sides, clawing and scratching like ravaged orphans, and she was their feeder. She watched distantly as a familiar smile disintegrateduntil salty liquid slipped at the edges and dark crust peppered the bottom lip, quivering like the last leaf on a dying tree to give in toautumn. They formed one word; a name, her name, but they could not guilt her out of her selfishness.

She raised her face to the sky, or more accurately to the stars. Now that she was off the ground she could spot them, because the city's thick cloudy skin could not hide them from her. She felt that in doingthis she might be able to join them, sparks of remaining life to watch over the crumpling Earth they once held so dearly. Yes, she would join them, and watch as the Earth continued its path of selfdestruction.

There was not a command said or a flag drawn to signal the solid movement of five solid bodies moving as one complete creature. The hands that held them together seemed to say that what laid beyond this one great act would finally be what they deserved, not what was forced uponthem. Madelyn did not watch as the toes of her beaten sneakers conquered the part of the shoe that was safely secure on the solid side of the edge, did not watch as the others tipped their heads back also to bathe inthe natural light of the night. Her eyes were on the stars, watching as they flickered and glowed in a haunting beauty, seeming to wink their approval in them. Only when she was inclined too far and could not see them did she finally close her eyes, and she was completely wholeheartedly at ease.

The creamy air suddenly gained strength and appeared to be trying to blow them back on the ledge, but as a freshly turned five bodied creature it could not support their weight. The air blew at her ears and pushed water fromthe corner of her eyes, and danced at the edges of her peaceful smile. Nothing could take control of her, of any of them, again. They had been set free in a righteous act, a climax to the story of them. For the first time they were free of foreboding and the wills of others. For the first time they had gained control and made it so that no one could take advantage of them ever again. They would jointhe stars and start their real lives, looking down and watching as their former Earth suffered and struggled.

They were finally free.

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24 Reviews

Points: 338
Reviews: 24

Sat Sep 14, 2013 1:45 pm
Basil wrote a review...

I love it! It is very beautiful!
But I must admit I was confused as to where the setting is ...sort of. And the whole story seems a little vague ... but it is good none of the less!!
I just have a couple of questions though ... Are the characters jumping? And if they are, why?

But I love the way you've captured the stars in the story. They are really more like beings that live in the sky, watching us every night, instead of stars.

Put simply, Brilliant and beautiful.

^^ SageN

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11 Reviews

Points: 259
Reviews: 11

Mon Jul 15, 2013 12:32 pm
tacimaci wrote a review...

Wow. I honestly can't describe how hard this hit me.

Before I begin, I have to say I agree with the others- there's some strange word choice that makes this piece confusing, and some grammatical errors.

But the feel of the piece... wow. Instead of focusing on the sadness and panic of suicide, you focused on the relief, and to be honest, that scared me more than the panic that others write about. This is truly a beautiful piece of writing, and I hope you write more. :)

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82 Reviews

Points: 2557
Reviews: 82

Sat Jun 08, 2013 3:00 pm
TheClosetKidnapper wrote a review...

Hello there!

This is a very interesting piece. It's heavy, but in a way that replaces the depressing aspect of all the characters committing suicide to more of a peaceful one. As Hannah said, though, there are several grammatical patterns that are easily fixed with a once-over, and I won't bother you by listing them all out. I also think Hannah is right with her point on your sentencing. Some of your sentences are great, but some are loaded and confusing. One of my best English teachers used to go by the rule of omitting needless words, and I can't say I don't follow that same rule now. Break it down like suggested and carefully and clearly throw your point across. Syntax building is just as important as spelling. Unless it's purposeful, be careful with it.

In the forth paragraph, you also write, "We took hands," which is a shift in point of view. Throughout the story above and below, you keep up with third person. It's one of those nitpicks mentioned above, but I thought it best to bring it to your attention, as it's easily glanced over if you don't read carefully.

I would also like to know a little more about the characters. You describe them well, beautifully even, but only their appearances. Tell the readers what tortures them enough to form this pact and throw themselves to the stars. Illustrate a bit of their personalities. You want to make the reader feel as if they know the people acting out the roles on the page, and pure description isn't enough sometimes.

Other than that, this was good. It has a lot of potential, and you can bring it there by proofreading a few times and elaborating on some things.

I hope this helps.
Keep writing!
~ Rocky

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1315 Reviews

Points: 23536
Reviews: 1315

Sat Jun 08, 2013 3:19 am
Hannah wrote a review...

Okay, firstly, you need to take responsibility for your writing and make sure it is as polished as it can possibly be before posting it here. I mean, just the mechanical stuff. Make sure that unless you're making a very conscious decision, every sentence has a subject, a verb, and an object if it's a transitive verb. Make sure that every sentence is clear in what it is communicating, even if what it's communicating is meant to be unclear. It might be tedious to go through and check each sentence, but you have to practice until it becomes second nature to produce good sentences.

For example:

Avery's hair twisted in a sudden just of wind and turned into a brief torrent of fine golden strands, and as her hair died she turned back to where the city shined her dark eyes.

There are a lot of parts to this sentence. Break it down.

Avery's hair twisted in a sudden gust of wind.
It turned into a brief torrent of fine golden strands.
Her hair died (??).
She turned back to where (the city shined (in?? reflected in??) her dark eyes).

By breaking it down, it might be clearer to you where the problems are/were. First of all, you needed a preposition in the sentence with shined, because shined is not a transitive verb (one that has an object). Second of all, how exactly did her hair died? You don't mean her hair died. You got a little confused, because wind can be said to "die down", but her hair's dead already -- only the roots are living. haha.

So go through and edit carefully like that. This is your job. Don't think it's an editor's job. An editor's job is to try to pick up the little bits that you missed after doing your absolute best to clean it up yourself, and to suggest changes that you might not have noticed.

As for the piece and the subject matter, I wonder why you bother introducing these characters at all. All you give us is their physical appearances, and that has absolutely no bearing on how we feel about them. If we knew maybe what they'd spent their last day doing, we'd know them as people better and feel something different knowing they were dying.

I'd also like to hear more about what inspired this one girl to be their leader and why they accepted her as such. Right now, you have a lot of physical description, but that doesn't give much of a lasting impression. It's watching some kids jump off a bridge (?) and movies show violence so much that many people have been desensitized to the idea of death unless there is some emotion along with it.

Keep writing, keep working, and let me know if you have any questions/comments about my review. Good luck!

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Points: 300
Reviews: 0

Fri Jun 07, 2013 3:05 am
fafnir123 says...

Wow.I got to admit this is pretty heavy and dramatic.I love how you use the human senses available to describe many things.There are a few sentences that feel awkward but that's ok cause practice make perfect.keep up the good work.

It's like everyone tells a story about themselves inside their own head. Always. All the time. That story makes you what you are. We build ourselves out of that story.
— Patrick Rothfuss, The Name of the Wind