I want
My mind to be filled with
the words of old
and my ears to burn
their hate tune.
I want
Withered hands
pressing against my eyelids
and causing my head to ache
before I see color.
I want
Frayed rope
so my fingers can be bound
and my skin seared
so I cannot feel a gentle breeze.
I want
Chipped fingernails
digging into the skin of my nostrils
so I cannot
smell the sweetness of my mother.
I want
My mouth smothered
clamped, muted and silenced
so I can only speak
the words of a shriveled voice.
I want
before I can stand on my own
to be stepping on the backs of others
and for their blood to seep into my socks
Because that is what they tell me to do.
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Canary word: Present
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125,008 Literary Works • 672,826 Reviews
I love the amount of emotion behind each and every word in this poem. I believe it is well written and I hope you continue posting pieces of your work on here!
I really love this! Artfully penned and so full of meaning...great work!
Hey there, Craz.
All right, man, I'm going to be honest. I'm really confused.
Reading the poem on its own-- This could be about anything, really. The way a dramatic teenager feels inside. A protest poem about lack of freedom of speech. Feeling pained because of a disease.
Only by looking at the outside clues can I begin to understand what it's about. The description tells us that an unborn child is thinking these things, but the genre is satire. So what you're saying is that the fetus doesn't want these things. Okay. Got the point. However, you need to convey that it's about a fetus in the poem itself. In the outside world, the only description you're going to get is your title. Perhaps you should change your title to the description. It would help everyone understand what this is about without having a description.
The first section is really confusing, as well. How do ears burn things?
If you're talking about the process of abortion, I highly doubt that a) the rope would be frayed and b) that the abortionist's fingernails would be chipped. They're usually pretty good about that kind of thing because they want the person undergoing the procedure to be healthy.
I feel like this poem is more based in emotion than reality, and I'd take a closer look at what you're saying to make the world more real to the reader. I hope you find this review useful to you! Happy writing!
Thanks for the review!
I can understand how this can be a bit confusing. The direction/ theme of this poem is traditional vs. modern, conformity vs. individuality, society vs. identity. The narrator is an unborn child looking upon the world; however, the fetus is not a direct force acting in the poem, but a symbol of a mind that has not been influenced by society yet. And I believe that an aspect of allusiveness is essential to poetry, because poetry is defining emotion, and emotion cannot be described undoubtedly. If I clearly said "This is about an unborn child" in the title, then it will lose some of that aspect poetry entails.
And the ears aren't burning; when hearing something unpleasant, or more commonly bad gossip, your ears "burn". It's an expression.
"Frayed rope" and "chipped fingernails" are expressing age, not an abortion in the making. I tried to make this congruent with "withered hands" and "the words of old." Throughout the poem, I also tried to convey that this was indeed in the view of a child by using "before I see color", "smell the sweetness of my mother" and "before I can stand on my own."
Don't take this the wrong way - I really do appreciate the criticism. I see what you're saying when you mean that I was being too vague, and this helped me see how my poem can be taken a different way than I intended. Thank you, again, for your review.
Thanks for explaining!
Hi, Craz!!
I think this is really cool! You have some true talent here! I really love the topic here! I have seen no spelling/grammatical errors so great job.
I also noticed that in every line/ the next sentence, you capitalized the first letter of the first two lines of that sentence. I am sure this is intentional because it showed in each sentence.
Great job! I really love this!
Keep writing!!,
~Tiff