z

Young Writers Society



melting colours

by Crayon


Rebecca held her hand towards the light and examined the splashes of colour that stained the pink flesh of her palm and stubby fingers. An idea ticked over in her mind and thoughts spun around behind the deep green of her eyes.

“Why do people say they don’t melt in your hands?” she seemed puzzled by the idea that although the adverts had told her young mind that in fact, M & M’s ‘melt in your mouth, not in your hands’ vibrant colours painted a temporary mural of childhood games and pretend across the same palm Jessica had read only days before.

“because your not supposed to play with them long enough for the colour to run” Mathew laughed, smacking her playfully on the back of head as he passed. A strand of copper hair caught in the strap of his watch and was tugged free of Rebecca’s four year old head.

“Ouch” she whinged, leaping at Mathew’s legs as he slipped out the back door of the multi level apartment complex. Her tiny hands clamp around thin air and she tumbled to the ground, watching on her tummy as her older brother mounted his bike and rode off towards the picturesque sloping hills that surrounded the small township of Huntersville, nestled safely in the belly of a valley.

“Come on sprocket” Jessica smiled scooping Rebecca into her arms and lifting her onto her shoulders. Rebecca filled her hands with Jessica’s soft pink shirt and giggled as she bounced on her auntie’s shoulders through the house, ducking to miss the heavy doorframes.

Rebecca watched from her vantage point as Jessica gathered together the essentials for leaving the house. Wallet. Keys. Gum.

“Are we going somewhere Jessica?” Rebecca asked excitedly, outings with her aunty were so different from the ones she took with Mum and Dad. Jessica nodded in reply as she stuffed her possessions into her pockets and insured the stove was turned off.

They left the house in excited silence, placing the key under the third cobble stone and leaving the large building, a shadow behind them. Rebecca became admitted and fussed as the pair made their way down the main road and Jessica sighed, letting the child scramble down and walk at her side.

Rebecca constantly stopped, fingering smooth pebbles that lay, stranded on the footpath and testing the depth of roadside puddles. Jessica watched, amazed that the child could find so much fascinating in such bland surroundings.

“Rebecca. How about we go on a little adventure.” Jessica suggested, taking the child’s hand in hers to prevent any more time consuming discoveries. Rebecca looked up at her, mouth half open to expose a set of tiny white teeth.

“Ill take that as a yes. Becca, where do you think milk comes from?” Rebecca thought for a moment, licking her lips as memories of warm milk before bedtime slid from the crowed vaults of her memory.

“The fridge” She replied, her voice flooded with confidence. Somehow she knew her answer was lacking what her Aunty expected yet this only excited her as to what she would learn. The one thing constant in her life with Jessica was education.

“Before it reaches the fridge Milk comes from a cow.” Jessica corrected, as they reached the bus stop. Rebecca was aware this was how all adventures began, with a bus trip. She settled herself on the hard wooden seat and waited for her aunty to do the same beside her.

“ It goes through a lot of processing once it comes from that cow and then it’s shipped to the supermarket. Where I buy it and bring it home to live in the fridge until you drink it all.” Jessica explained, patting Rebecca’s stomach as if it was filled with a never ending supply of delicious milk.

Rebecca nodded, slightly unsure of what she was processing. Learning was difficult at the best of times and digesting something that proved wrong what you already believed was a battle that raged in your mind until you were certain as to the correct answer.

“I’m going to take you to the supermarket” Jessica laughed. With this Rebecca’s heart sunk slightly, images of powerful beasts had filled her head, cows forever chewing green grass, to turn out white milk. Never the less she was excited about leaving the house and exploring this new town.

The bus pulled into the stop and a handful of people stumbled off. Rebecca recognised not one of the adult faces but smiled up at them as Jessica greeted them.

“Yes this is her” Jessica nodded, smiling with understanding as people talked of heartache and how unfair death was. These terms Rebecca didn’t yet understand but she understood the pain and pernancy associated.

After the stream of people had disbanded and headed home, some with heavy bags or small children trailing behind Jessica and Rebecca boarded the bus and Rebecca felt a rush of anticipation flow from her toes through to the roots of her hair.

They settled in Rebecca’s favourite seat, positioned at the front of the bus, watching the town centre approach, Rebecca gripped Jessica’s arm as she waited, legs swinging, for the supermarket to come into view. If it wasn’t for her age and the new surroundings that had been affecting her sleep Rebecca may not have fallen asleep as they rounded the corner and the bus pulled to a stop outside the large sprawling supermarket.


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131 Reviews


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Wed Jan 10, 2007 3:32 am
Crayon says...



hey,
thanks for the comments and help, Yeah i have pretty shocking grammar and spelling. I know.
Um other than that, I was hoping that line about Chris would be humerous. Chris is somewhat a hero in this, he seems to keep everybody together.
yeah, i think i should introduce Jessica better, i just wasnt sure of how to because they have such a relaxed relationship. yeah she lost her parents, i guess that was clear to me because im the writer, ill try make it more apparent sooner.
I get what you mean about the POV, ill try cleaning that up and i thik finally there is more, ill post as soon as ive done and yeah. My editing for the second part was a little slack.




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Wed Jan 10, 2007 12:05 am
Jenita wrote a review...



Let me see...

You have a lot of mechanical errors in here, but I'm not sure if you want comments on those, so I'll ignore them for the time being and focus on the story. Here are my thoughts, by part and then the general at the end. Hope I can help.

PART ONE:

The introduction of Jessica was very sudden... at first I thought there were only two characters -- Rebecca and Matthew. Maybe you could mention all the characters that are present closer to the beginning of the story ( I know you mentioned Jessica reader Becca's palm, but that doesn't tell the reader that she's there too. ) -- perhaps you could use the old looking-from-face-to-face-while-asking-a-question trick?

Your POV is also somewhat confusing. I'm assuming you're in omniscient third person, since the reader knows both Jessica's thoughts and Becca's. Some of your sentences, though, are not written according to your POV --

“Why do people say they don’t melt in your hands?” she seemed puzzled by the idea that although the adverts had told her young mind that in fact, M & M’s ‘melt in your mouth, not in your hands’ vibrant colours painted a temporary mural of childhood games and pretend across the same palm Jessica had read only days before.


Here, you don't need to say "seemed"... seemed to whom? To Jessica? To Matt? If you have an omniscient narrator, the narrator knows she's puzzled. So you could say "... she said, puzzled by the idea..."

Rebecca was aware this was how all adventures began, with a bus trip.


Here you don't need to say "Rebecca was aware" because the narrator is aware too -- you could just say, "This was how all her adventures began..." and so on.

Wait a second... who died? This part threw me. Are her parents dead or something? or a sibling?

PART TWO:

“Could have been better” She smiled, brushing off the image of her brother slumped in the recliner. Rebecca closed her eyes and drew the mug to her mouth, the lukewarm liquid spilling over her parted lips.


What's the liquid? I'm guessing it's coffee, but at my house we drink tea, so I'm not sure. And then again, it could be hot cocoa or cider. Maybe.

The vile taste of vomit burned her throat and she pulled out her thumb, like a cork as she vomited onto the floor, herself and quite possibly Chris.


I don't know if you intended for it to or not, but this made me laugh (the last part. Not the throwing up). I loved this line. Good relief from the sadness and everything. :)


Okay, well, in general, I found this a very enjoyable read. I like that Rebecca changed so much and yet still loves m&m's... that was cool.

The first part of it was really good, and the second seems... well, a little less worked out. Have you edited it less? Just wondering.

Great story. Is there more, or was this the end?




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Tue Jan 09, 2007 10:35 pm
Quibbon wrote a review...



Slow to start. It was enjoyable to read but could do with quicker action as this story is like many others on the site. The chracterisation is also slightly unbeliviable

Quibbon
Please Critique my work (Motivation-Other fiction There is a non-dowloadable version) Thankyou




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Tue Jan 09, 2007 10:05 pm
Crayon says...



Rebecca counted the Cobble stones, waiting till she reached the third one in to wrestle it over and retrieve the spare key without a sound. She crept towards the house on tip toes, her breathing shallow as she pressed her hand against the door and slipped the key into the lock.

Turning the key she felt a prickle on the back of her neck and looked up to find Mathew watching her through the dirty window beside the door. He shook his head and unlocked the door from the inside, pushing it open and slumping silently in the tattered lazy boy.

“Matt, I wasn’t with him” was all she could manage before Mathew relaxed and his head slumped to the side. Rebecca edged towards him, turning his arm over in her hands and gingerly kissing the fresh track marks in the crock of his elbow.

She crept to her room, kicking off her strappy red heels and peeling the top blanket off her own bed. Padding out to the lounge on bare feet Rebecca felt the cold wood beneath her and listened to the shallow breathing coming from Jessica’s room.

She folded the blanket around her brother, tucking in his arm and effectively sheltering him from the world for as long as he slumbered before the heroin pulled him from his dreams. How long that would be was anybody’s guess.

Rebecca returned to her room and peeled off the glittering silver Singlet and skin tight jeans, removing the skin her friends recognised and crawling into the comfort of her baggy pyjamas, and the girl she loved dearly.

Shivering under the remaining thin blanket Rebecca closed her make-up laden eyes and nestled into the safety of her dreams. Her childhood replaying itself on demand, skipping from birthdays to Christmases, replaying and rewinding as Rebecca’s sleeping mind commanded.

She woke in the morning to find Jessica perched on the edge of her bed, heavy bags under her eyes and wrinkles forming on her face. Rebecca tugged at the curtains, letting the warm morning sun flood into the room and illuminate the shadow of her Aunty.

“Good night last night?” Jessica laughed a little too loud, handing Rebecca the chipped blue mug she cradled in her hands. Rebecca took the cup from her, letting her fingers wrap around the warmth.

“Could have been better” She smiled, brushing off the image of her brother slumped in the recliner. Rebecca closed her eyes and drew the mug to her mouth, the lukewarm liquid spilling over her parted lips.

Jessica stood from the bed, it sighing in relief as she did so. In the past few years Jessica had aged dramatically, her petit body sagging and dropping with the added weigh years of fast food and alcohol had brought upon her and her face crumpled with the early signs of old age. Rebecca tried a guess at her age, almost fifty now possibly.

“well, I have work in a half hour. Mathew isn’t home, I heard him leave at around four which means that stomach of his will bring him back before long.” Jessica shock her head as she left the room, shutting the door quietly behind her.

In the hall Jessica felt her body slump and melted into a heap on the floor. She felt the tears of failure prick her eyes and the two children left on her door faded and we replaced by adults she knew only by name. Her sister would be disappointed.

Rebecca balanced the empty mug on the tower of books piled by her bedside and pulled back the sheet revelling a body she seemed to have developed over night. She looked over her long, shapely legs that seemed to fit inside her favourite pyjamas less and less with every passing night. Her gaze shifted further up to her hips and waist, now taken on the shape of a woman which excluded her brothers jeans from Rebecca’s wardrobe.

She stopped before she reached her breasts, the part of her body Rebecca least understood or desired. And willed herself from the familiar hold of her bed towards the pile of laundry collecting in the corner.

Wrestling with a pink halter top Rebecca feel backwards onto the harsh wood. Feeling the cold seep though her pants and chilling her skin. She scrambled to her feet and held the top before her, sniffing deeply. Rebecca reeled back, dropping the Shirt onto the pile again as she forced the stench of overwear from her nose.

Picking through the pile again Rebecca happened upon her favourite shirt, the cool silk twisted her into a whirlpool of memories. Ricky, Ricky, Ricky. She felt as if the shirt and scorched her skin and before Rebecca had time to discard it she noticed the faded white stain, enough to make her gag.

“Jessica, are there any clean clothes?” She hollered, bundling the offending items into her arms and stumbling from her room. Rebecca dropped the load outside the shut laundry door and scanned the living room for the faded blue washing basket.

“here” Jessica offered, pressing two folded $20 notes into Rebecca’s make-up stained hands before she bustled past her and towards the door. Rebecca studied the notes and then her hands. Pale and slender, painted with eye liner and mascara, a stamping of who she was the night before.

Something inside her ticked and Rebecca suddenly had a unexplainable craving for crispy M & M’s. She shrugged it off and stirred through the washing, salvaging a green tube top dusted with stars and a pair of black dress shorts that Rebecca was sure used to be Jessica’s.

The door swung open and Rebecca spun around to find her brother, his shirt soaked in blood hovering the doorway. His mouth had dropped open into half disbelieve and he shuffled from the doorway to revel two heavy shadows behind him. Chris and Jesp.

Rebecca dropped the clothes and money, reaching her brother before she was sure they had hit the ground. She wrapped her arms protectively around him, feeling the fresh blood soak from his shirt to hers. She looked over to the doorway, where both boys stood, eyes to the ground and felt herself starting to cry.

“We tried to stop him, Seriously Bex. You know what were like” Chris spluttered, a confusing statement rather than the explanation he had been working in his mind on the long drive across town. He realised with a thud that explaining would take a lot longer than he wanted.

Rebecca guided her brother towards his chair, the stench of blood following them like a stomach churning stain. Once he was safely in his chair Mathew started to cry, great body draining sobs. Chris used this as his cue to slip into the room and bundle Rebecca into his arms.

Jesp fluttered to Mathew’s side and started tugging at the blood stained shirt, pulling it free of Mathew’s sticky torso. Chris turned Rebecca away, hoping to protect her from the stomach dropping truth but she twisted in his arms and turned to face her brother, before she dropped in Chris’s arms and sunk to the floor.

Jesp pulled off his own shirt and started mopping the blood from Mathew’s chest, gingerly stroking around the gaping wound in right side of his chest. Rebecca watched from the floor, gasping for breath she realised what Chris had been trying to say.

“oh God” She cried, burying her face in her hands. Chris knelt to the floor and folded himself around her shaking body. Rebecca started mumbling and he strained to hear but it was not until the fourth, maybe fifth time she repeated that he could depict her distressed sobs.

“He did it himself.” She cried, curling her body into a ball and slipping her thumb in her mouth, something she hadn’t done for years. The vile taste of vomit burned her throat and she pulled out her thumb, like a cork as she vomited onto the floor, herself and quite possibly Chris.

On the way over Chris had decided her would tell her somebody else had stabbed her brother, they had been in a brawl or street fight and things had gotten out of hand but as the neared the house he registered the lack of bruising to their faces and dismissed it, knowing Rebecca would see through his lies.

“Call, call an ambulance or something” Jesp hollered, finally realising that he couldn’t fix Mathew’s pain anymore, the extent of the wound was more than he knew how to handle. Rebecca stumbled to her feet and repeatedly tried to dial triple one, her fingers shaking and refusing to obey.





Attention is the beginning of devotion.
— Mary Oliver, Upstream