I know that my opinion is going to conflict with some others, however you state that your rewrite hasn't got the feel or the mood that you wanted. Trust your instincts, trust in yourself. I much prefer the first version.
Chapter one
We could walk to school together, We could and we should but we don’t. It’s not because her house is out of the way, whenever I walk past it, slowly, drawing in the glory of her magnificent residence I miss first period. Is it my fault she lives in the upper-class part of town? But that’s not why we don’t walk down the streets with our fingers intertwined.
The reason we are not together as the fates so desire is as simple as this. I am Terence, Terry to my very few friends. I’m the sort that admires such beauties from afar and in some people’s eyes I am a geek, valuing school above life itself. How wrong they are, I value her over life.
She is Ashley , flawless, princess Ashley. She has a thong of admires, most more muscular and defiantly more brain dead than myself. That is who I must become before I can stand beside my queen and rule over her kingdom. Until then I can do nothing more than dwell in the shadows and observe.
I have no complaints about doing so, just being able to breath her air and indulge in her radiating glory each day is enough to tide me though until the day I can finally explain to her that we were destined to be together, forever more.
On this day I will be late, once again. Mrs Vanchette, head of attendance is becoming bord with my detailed explanation of what I was doing that made me tardy, never the truth. I couldn’t possibly explain that I was slithering around the boundaries of the largest house in McLain Road, awaiting a glimpse of my dearest and most beloved Ashley.
Mother is sitting at the table, her long blonde hair pulled back into a high pony tail and a light pink bra hugging her large breasts. Caitlin is almost a double although her hair is closer to brown, yet still lighter than mine and the pink bra has less to cling to, it almost seems too large and if she swivels her body just ever so slightly it peels away, exposing her nipple.
Most people would find it amazing, nay, disgusting that I could stand in the kitchen and strain to view my younger sisters breast. Most people don’t understand that both my Mother and Sister are very attractive, almost more so than my wonderful Ashley and neither of them related to me in any way. “Mother” Celeste married my father when I was three, bringing to the marriage her seven month old baby, Caitlin Rose.
As I grew older I started to understand the warm feelings I experienced when Caitlin entered a room, she was absolutely gorgeous and a female and I was a male of authority. When Caitlin turned 13 she realised she could use her budding breasts and the mystery of her body to get her way.
I would enter my room and find her, sprawled on my bed in her school uniform and boy would I go crazy. Caitlin is the only girl that ever showed any interest in me, the only girl that made my heart race and my boyish desires take hold. Not even dear Ashley has that power over me.
Caitlin and I only had sex twice, after that she would flaunt her changing body whenever she could and would drop into my lap after a long day at school, stroking my face and suggesting we have a sleepover. She would take me shopping with her, asking me which bikini looked best. That was until Father realised what was happening and became jealous.
I would rather leave the details of my Fathers treatment of Caitlin to your imagination, this is, after all about me and my one true love. Terence and Ashley.
Authors note: This is something Im trying out and the next chapter isnt far away
I know that my opinion is going to conflict with some others, however you state that your rewrite hasn't got the feel or the mood that you wanted. Trust your instincts, trust in yourself. I much prefer the first version.
I quite liked the first version- though I do hope some explanation comes of the next chapter, so we won't be crying 'Incest!' 
Anyway...the only reason I didn't enjoy the second version was that there's way too much dialogue and not enough opportunity to get to know the character right away. You've got a great style of descriptive writing (and the dreaded get-to-know-you stuff, kudos on that).
Yes! I shall definitely have to read the next section.
OK, I started a re-write and it hasnt got the feel or mood that i wanted but here it is anyway, the first chapter of Princess Ashley, reviewed:
Chapter One
“Terence Erasmus another late slip I presume?” Mrs Vanette tutted as she picked the fluff off her pale green jumper and looked up at me with her mouth in a thin line.
“Sorry Miss, It wasn’t my fault. Truly!” I stuttered, something about Mrs Vanette’s deep brown eyes always made me squirm. She started filling in the slip with her long spidery writing. Name: Terence Erasmus, Class: 12LS, Reason: None stated.
“No, No, No Miss, I have a reason” I smiled broadly, this one was pre-rehearsed, I had worked it out on the long walk to school as the light morning rain penetrated my thin school jacket. Mrs Vanette looked up at me doubtfully, I could read that look, it screamed “Oh god Terence, I don’t have the time, just for once tell me what really goes on every morning” It was like a war cry, challenging me to weave another web of early morning lies.
“Caitlin Rose needed help with her science homework last night and I helped her till it was her bed time” I waited for a reaction, everybody knew Caitlin Rose didn’t need any help, especially mine. But when Mrs Vanette didn’t challenge me I continued, my eyes wandering over the cold wooden desk.
“She went to bed at nine thirty so she was rested and got to school on time this morning, I however didn’t get to bed until 1.30 due to my own assignments and household chores so I didn’t wake till 7.45 this morning, I had already missed Mum and Dad so I had to run to school. I would have made it if Mrs Taiten, a 73 year old from over the road hadn’t fallen on her way home with the newspaper. We don’t get it delivered around our way you have to go and pick it up. Anyway, I had to help her home and then come back to school” Mrs Vanette shock her head and leaned back in her chair.
“Terence why do you continue to waste my time?” She crossed her legs under the table and passed me the folded note, I ran my fingers over the fold and chewed on my bottom lip nervously. I really wasn’t in the mood for a lecture although I didn’t mind missing Math class all that much.
“I don’t understand you, Caitlin Rose is on time every morning, she attends every class and does well in each one of them and you, well you must be the black sheep of the family. Am I right?” She didn’t intend for it to sound so harsh and it didn’t hurt that much, the truth doesn’t hurt its only when you deny things that you feel a pang of bitter pain sweep over you when people mention them.
“Caitlin Rose is very intelligent, she is also only my step sister. No relation, that may explain why we are so different.” I blurted back, I get rather annoyed when people jump to the conclusion that Caitlin Rose is my full sister, it makes everything about her seem wrong.
“Yes, but you share the same environment, that’s what makes a person. Not only genetics but the house that they are raised in and the way they are treated by their parents. So therefore you and Caitlin Rose are more alike than you think.” She thinks she has it all worked out doesn’t she? Now the Annoyance was turning to rage. Caitlin Rose and I don’t live in the same environment, she is spoiled, the apple of both our parents eyes and always being lavished with gifts and attention. Her bedroom is large, gorgeous and fit for a princess. When you open the door and step inside its like being carried away to another place, a palace deep in a rainforest.
When you open the door to my bedroom and step inside you think you’ve taken a wrong turn and ended up in a wardrobe. My room is small, musty and bear. Not the best place for a teenage boy to spend most of his lifetime now is it? Granted I have a computer and a double bed but the bed used to be Caitlin Rose’s before she decided she needed a queen and the computer was a Birthday Present from my Birth Mothers Sister, Caitlin has one too. It has more ram, a faster internet connection and is well, flasher. In a nut shell.
Our parents treat us differently as well. I get in the way of my Step Mother Celeste yet whenever I don’t offer a hand she goes ballistic, talking about how little I do around the house and that most boys my age live on the streets. Its supposed to be a scare tactic, well I’m pretty sure it is. Not that it scares me, I’m 16 not 12 and I know the big bad world isn’t much crueller than my house.
My Father doesn’t spend much time with me, He’s either working or worshipping Caitlin Rose. The older she gets the more time they spend together, everybody knows what’s going on. Especially me, Caitlin was my girl once.
Thanks for all the suggestions and ideas dele, this is one of my first attempts at writing in first person that i actually like and it is also the first time i have written for a male perspective so i am very new to all of this.
With regards to your first suggestion, i am now reviewing, rewriting and stretching out my first chapter, now devoted to the introduction of Ashley. A lot of my writing jumps around a bit so i guess its something i need to work on.
Right, telling not showing, got it. i think it has a lot to do with the fact that, as i mentioned before I'm new to this style and couldn't quite work out how to show things that happened in the past and aren't happening right when an event is taking place.
Once again thank you very much for all your help.
Man i sound like a geek tonight! I'm in character! TE HE
This is an interesting piece and it has potential, I just have a couple of suggestions.
One thing is that you seem to jump around from subject to subject a bit and if this is going to be a longer piece (I am assuming it is because this is only the first chapter) then maybe this first chapter you could focus on Ashley, and then next chapter introduce in Caitlin Rose (love that name by the way) and the realationship between Terry and her.
Also you are telling us a lot of this and not showing us. For example maybe you could have a scene with the attendence officer and Terry with her saying "What is it this time?" or whatever to show she is bored with it and it is a regular occurence. Or maybe you could start off with a scene with the attendence officer and then go into the reason why he is late. I'm not sure how you want to do it but I feel that you could show us more than tell us.
There were some parts that just appealed to me such as:
I’m the sort that admires such beauties from afar and in some people’s eyes I am a geek, valuing school above life itself. How wrong they are, I value her over life.
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