Published January 24, 2006
Forget me and leave me,
Scream at me and swear.
Mother show your helpless baby,
That you just don’t care.
Break some more rules.
Show me how not to live.
Cause you’re a hopeless mother,
A bad examples all you give.
I may have your dark hair,
And our eyes are the same.
That doesn’t mean I’m like you,
I’m not a pawn in your game.
So don’t pretend that you love me,
I’m smarter now I’m grown.
Don’t get me wrong Mother,
My whole life I have known.
I’ve known you don’t want me.
I could see it in your eyes,
I’ve known you’re not proud of me.
I could see past your lies.
You forgot me and left me,
I’m used to not having you here.
I can’t change that I’m your baby,
But to be my mum, you’d have to care.
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There was a lot of emotion in this poem and I felt as though I were hearing the rant of a child at their mother. Good rhyming, not forced. But I agree that this seemed like a bit immature. Like the person didn't quite know everything. Try putting some image-words in.
um. (sorry in advance for the short, bad-quality/quantity of critique. chemistry + me = brain dead.)
the poetic quality of this poem wasn't all that good - it didn't have any flaring imagery, poetic jumbles or...well, frankly, another poetic. some poems can get away without using anything, language-wise, that is interesting. but then the topic of the poem didn't strike me either. while the meaning was clear, and this is true in many parent-child relashonships, it came off angsty, which it didn't like. i think if you handled this differently you could have made it appear a notch more mature.
though the rhyming pattern and rhythm were on the whole time, and nothing appeared force. now use that which many people are inept it to construct beautiful poetry!
sorry so harsh. maybe it's an off-day.