A runner,an amnesiac, a scout, a recluse, and a monster.
1-The runner
Jones was running. Running from his problems, the scouts, and from the impending doom of the apocalypse. Of all the things he could be caught stealing, it had to be the month old dusty loaf of bread. The scouts were hot on his tail, as he crashed through various stands and people. He rounded a corner, crawled through a hole in a building, and ran through the building before exiting into the crowded street of the rundown city. He smiled smugly before bumping directly into a scout. The scout, who was rather tall, stared down at him before grabbing his arm. Shit. He escaped from her grasp and started running again. As he was making his escape from the authorities, he bumped into a girl wearing a cowboy hat, knocking them both to the ground. “Watch where you’re going” the girl exclaimed, as she picked herself off of the ground. “Sorry for the trouble.” Jones hurriedly exclaimed. “Yea, you’d better be sorry.”She mumbled gruffly. “Wait, where's my hat?” Jones had it hidden behind his back. Couldn’t hurt to have a disguise. “No idea, keep your chin up and you’ll find it girly.” he said as he ran away. The girl kept shouting at him about her hat, but Jones had bigger fish to fry at that moment.
Jones was a 17 year old boy. He was tall and had a build that (at least he would describe as) a mix between lanky and lean. He had light skin, and shaggy curly brown hair that fell in front of his eyes. He was used to running, he had been running for the past 3 years. It was the only thing he could do.It was the only choice he had.
The world ended 3 years ago, when the world’s largest research lab dropped the ball majorly. They were studying the way the brain processes nightmares, when they “accidently” brought them to life. Eventually these living nightmares, nicknamed ghouls, escaped and starting turing people into their worst nightmares. Around 50% of the population was turned, and 25% was killed by ghouls. Now, if you weren’t a scout, dead, or some psychotic survivalist, you lived in the large faction like Center City. Jones was “one of the lucky ones” to have survived. But if you asked him, being dead sounded more appealing.
2-The amnesiac
Bebe’s mind was going a million miles a minute, but she couldn’t settle on a single thought. Of course, she didn’t have many thoughts to settle on. She sat there laying on her cot for a second, before sitting up and staring at the ground. On the ground lay two things: a cowboy hat and a 15th birthday card. They were incredibly important to her, but she couldn’t remember why.
Bebe had no memory of her life before about 6 months. She woke up in the aisle of a convenience store, wearing a bomber jacket that was 4 sizes too big, and a cowboy hat. Inside of the jacket was a birthday card that said ‘Happy 15th’ on the front and ‘Happy birthday Bebe - Dad.’ on the inside. No memories, no family, and no idea of how she got where she was. Hell, the only reason she knew her own name was because it was written on the card in her coat pocket. To add to the mystery, as a 15 year old girl, she had completely white hair. As if not knowing who you were before the world ended, she also looked like her grandmother. (Not that she would know what her grandmother looked like, or if she even had a grandmother for that matter).
She got dressed for the day and exited her hole in the wall(literally)home. She grabbed her backpack, moved the beaded curtain that covered the hole out of the way and set out for the day. She figured she would get some supplies, and then head back to her hole. Unluckily for her, fate would not be on her side that day. When she was walking through the crowded streets of center city, she was knocked down by a skinny teenage boy,who was running from scouts. He hit her like a truck and she fell to the ground, her hat falling from her head. “Watch where you’re going”, She berated the boy. “Sorry for the trouble.” the boy said rather hastily, and Bebe couldn’t help but notice, that he kept glancing over his shoulder at a group of scouts coming toward them. She also couldn’t help but notice that her hat was missing, and the skinny boy was holding his hands suspiciously behind his back. “Wait, where's my hat?” she questioned him. “No idea, keep your chin up and you’ll find it girly.” he shouted as he ran away. Bebe wasn’t going to let him get away with stealing her hat. That hat could be the one of the only things that could help her find herself. She grabbed her backpack off of the dirty city street, and checked to make sure the boy hadn’t stolen anything else, and ran after him. She was so focused on chasing after the rather fast boy, she didn’t notice the scout following her out of the Center city.
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,805 Reviews
The narrator changing focus from Jones to Bebe is a nice way to show how each character views the calapsing world. The characters, depsite only two being introduced have interesting details to them and already have life to them withjust these two chapters (if that's what you want to call them.) Teen Fiction is something many people can relate to and I am excited to see more of this story.
Hello Cradtartsy!
And a late welcome to YWS! I hope you are enjoying the site, and if you have any questions you can always ask me or any of the moderators with a green username!
I see that you put this in the short story category but this seems like the start of an incredible sci-fi novel to me. Your opening was witty and intriguing and it immediately pulls the reader into the main action of the story. I loved the way you have framed the beginning. We accompanied the main character on a chase before we even knew who he was or whether we were supposed to be rooting for him!
Characters and Narration:
Jones is definitely an interesting character. He is smart, unapologetic and relatable. He is also resourceful and clever and can think on his feet. If you ask me, he is the perfect candidate 'likely' to survive an apocalypse.
On the other hand, Bebe's situation is very interesting. Waking up to the end of the world with amnesia is more than problematic, especially considering that nothing seems stable in this world you have created. It made me wonder what actually caused her to lose her memories - was she maybe subjected to any form of interaction with the 'ghouls' that are now terrorizing their world? I don't know, but I hope you address it at some point in the story.
Your narration was fast-paced and whacky, and it pulled us along for an interesting ride with no moments of boredom in between. However, since your narration is more or less same for the two characters, you should make sure to give them distinctive personalities. You can do this by emphasizing the little details and the different ways the characters react to different situations. For example, in this chapter, I got the feeling that while Jones is more quick on his feet and thinks in the moment, Bebe is more analytical, surveying the situation before reacting. It might also be the reason why she is a scout, even though she is unaware of the fact. Highlighting these details might help you to give each of the characters their own unique personalities.
Now, the next one is mostly a nitpick - although the first paragraph is an intriguing introduction to the story, it needs to be spaced out a little. For example:
Here, not only have you clumped your dialogues and narration together, but you also haven't left any space between the dialogues. As a result, all of it kind of reads together. Separating the dialogues from the narration and giving each of them their own sentence creates a much neater effect and makes it easier for the readers to follow the story.
World-building:
I loved the idea behind the story - it is unique and intriguing. Accidentally bringing nightmares to life, that are now, in the name of 'ghouls', turning people into their own worst nightmares is definitely one way to bring about an apocalypse. Now, your description of the problem was enough to pique one's interest, but it does not answer half of the questions that come up in the reader's mind. For example - what does it mean when people are turned into their worst nightmares? What happens if a person's worst nightmare is a situation, what do they get turned into then? While these are the kind of questions that are best answered along the way to keep the suspense alive, I definitely would have appreciated a little more details about the world.
The little glimpses you provided make us want to know more and see more. And since the setting is dystopian, you should ensure that your readers can imagine the world they are entering. Having the little descriptions make the journey so much more enthralling and fulfilling. Here are some places where you could have given us more:
Here, you could add more descriptions to give us an idea of the impoverished conditions of the city.
This was where you could have really gone out with your descriptions. Since Bebe is also suffering from amnesia, all of this is as new to her as it is to us. She is bound to be just as curious as your readers. Here, you could have described the world through new eyes glimpsing it for the first time as well. And when I say describe the world, I don't mean the mechanisms of it, or how things work there. We are bound to find out more about that as we move along with the story. Rather you give your readers a glimpse of what the world looks like - are the people as desperate as Jones? Is a chase through the streets a common occurrence for them? What do the people look like? What are they doing? These are only some of the areas you can focus on.
Overall, this was a great start to the story. It was a solid introduction to the characters and the world they inhabit and it definitely makes me want to know more!
Keep writing and have a great day!
This is a really good start to a story! The introduction of the first two characters is well handled and both have interesting personalities and situations. The concept for the world and its problems is interesting. With scientists bring nightmares alive. It would have been nice to hear a bit more of the state of the world, but we still have enough info about what is happening. I liked the two different point of views from the characters interacting with each other, it really gave each character a more in depth understanding for the readers. Over all a great start!