z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone Violence

Story III - Twenty-Three Knives

by Cow


It was rather sunny today. The breeze was cool and it felt nice against my skin, like a nice hug that you've needed for a long time. People were chattering in the streets and I could see children roaming around, toying with the livestock that had escaped and hiding behind parents.

Of course, instead of being able to enjoy the day, I had to go to a meeting with many of the delegates that surrounded Julias Cesear. They had told me they had a plan and wanted to get as many people in on it as possible but that we had to keep Ceasar out of it, which was fine with me.

I didn't think much of it.

I was waiting in a large room, the marble gleaming in the sun that accented the white of the stone. My robe was causing me to grow warm but it was soft and a bit itchy. The white fabric was starting to fade but still retained some of its brightness and my sandals were comfortably hugging my feet.

Sighing, I greeted the men as they each walked into the room. One by one, the small group of men paraded into space, their voices hush whispers that made me wondered what we were going to plan.

They sat down, all waiting to pour themselves a glass a water or grab a small piece of bread. I wondered how this was going to go.

Brutus cleared his throat to gather our attention, his shaggy blonde hair looking dirtier than normal. His eyes looked around the room and something in them made me wonder. "So, some of you know exactly why we are here, others - not so much."

He paused as some heads shook and others nodded in understanding. I watched and waited for the situation to be explained. "Well, to be short and sweet about it, we want Julias Caesar dead. We plan on, in the next gathering with him or as soon as possible, to kill him. Use knives, as they can easily be concealed in our robes. It's not what I wanted but if we keep attacking other territories and allowing his kind of 'democracy' to go on the empire will fall." Brutus stated, looking around some of agreeing and shocked faces that filled the room. I could see the pain in his eyes as he uttered the words. 

So that's why the others had been pestering the poor man about.

I, on the other hand, had to try and stifle my laughter. Kill Ceaser?! Really? He's beloved and hated, yes but kill him? That would be absurd. And hard to do, even with an easy way to conceal a weapon. There was no way they were actually going to do it, he wouldn't be that stupid. Then again, Brutus seemed like a son to Caesar. 

Brutus continued to explain, knowing when best to catch him and how to get close enough to him. Cornering him would be a good idea as he wouldn't have a way to run unless straight through them.

I listened, slowly growing more worried but told myself they wouldn't actually do this. They couldn't.

"Atticus, what is your opinion on this matter?" Brutus singled me out, and I felt my blood run hot as I was startled. But his tone wasn't stern, not in the slightest.

"Um, well, Brutus, I'm not sure." I replied, sitting up straighter. I didn't want to seem weak.

He raised an almost nonexistent eyebrow at me. "Not sure?"

I took a deep breath as my fingers knotted a loose part of my robe. "I mean to say that I'll go along with this scheme, is all. Just worried it won't work out." I replied as I looked only at him.

A small smile spread across his lips, almost wistful. "Good to know, Atticus. I may of been forced into this, but it's what must be done. Tonight, we gather. I will be sure to make sure Julias arrives." And with that the room dispursed.

I was one of the last to leave, an icky feeling growing in my stomach as I avoided Brutus's eyes.

---

The stars had fallen across the sky, a blanket to warm up the blue of the sky that was to wake up the next morning. To help the clouds grow as well, of course. I liked to look at the stars, they smiled at me, twinkled with a happiness that not many people knew.

I stretched as Alcmene gave me a kiss on the head. "Everything ok, Atticus? You seem worried, you have been since you got back from that meeting." She told me as she sat in front of me, straightening her back.

I chuckled. "Everything is fine dear, I promise. Just have one more meeting in a few minutes then we can do whatever you please." I told her, giving her hand reassuring squeeze. She smiled softly at me and gave me kiss that lasted much longer than it should have.

After telling Alcmene good-bye with a promise to be home soon, I head to where we were supposed to meet but the pit in my stomach had grown worse. I knew I shouldn't go to where they were but I kept walking, settling on hiding behind one of the pillars.

Ceasar looked as regal as ever, his pure white, silk robe shining in the moon and firelight, the gold linen outline sparkling just as brightly. He was looking at the stars, quiet and in peace for the moment.

But then Brutus appeared, smiling widely as Ceasar greeted him happily. They were best friends. Everyone knew that. They got along like two peas in a pod. A son and a father, almost.

But then Ceasars' face was taken over in shock. His eyes went wide and his hands gripped Brutus's robe but it went slack just as quick. He fell to the ground, a spot of blood growing on those pearl-white robes and I had to bite my tongue to keep from yelling out.

More people from the previous meeting joined in the murder of this man, this man who stood for many things.



I wasn't sure what to think. But killing him wasn't the answer; it couldn't be, could it? The consequences of the people would be great, I could see that. They loved him.

How could it be? I thought as Ceasar's cries of anguish and pleads with Brutus soon drowned out as Caesar seemingly gave up. They filed out, as quick as silent mice.

Only Brutus stayed. He watched his friend, and I wondered if he would cry.

Caesar looked at him as blood filled his robes and dripped from his mouth. His teeth were starting to look red. "You, Brutus?" He hoarsely asked, clutching onto his robes that were soaked in his life.

Brutus smiled softly but I could see a quivering lip. He said nothing as he walked out.

I took a deep, shaky breath and scrambled over to Ceasar. I had never met him in person. I'd been in the same room before, sure.

But I never expected this.

He looked at me, flashing a blood-soaked smile. I tried not to cry.

Why kill? It made no sense.

"Hiding?" He mockingly told me with a painful laugh. I couldn't help but chuckle.

"I was... afraid, Ceasar. A man should not be that, not in these times. But something told me to stay back but now..." My voice trailed off as I tried to figure out how to help, but to no avail.

"You came here, you saw what they did, Atticus Servius. You must show them you are stronger - conquer them." He whispered to me, grabbing my hand to pull me closer. His blood was still warm but his eyes had that fire in them, the kind that his enemies saw before they were slaughtered.

I looked at him, taking a shaky breath and nodded in understanding. He seemed satisfied with that and gave me a limp shrug to leave, closing his eyes.

He didn't open them again.

---

Alcmene is the only one besides me that knows now. She had followed me that night, worried.

She had seen too but we knew better to involve ourselves in that. Alcmene promised to cover for me, giving a good excuse and I trusted her with that.

Now the air was getting cooler, but it always did at night. The stars seemed to smile less. It was more like a sad, wistful twinkle.

Times were changing now that Ceasar was dead.

They weren't going to be good.


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
278 Reviews


Points: 18564
Reviews: 278

Donate
Sun Jun 21, 2020 5:36 am
LittleLee wrote a review...



Hi, Cow!

Wow, this made for a really good read! I enjoyed the narration and the descriptive writing. The comparisons were well made and the emotions in the lines suited the writing perfectly.

I am just going to quickly point out some things. There are a few grammatical errors that Kiami mentioned, so I won't bring them up again.
Here goes:

The breeze was cool and it felt nice against my skin, like a nice hug

You used the word "nice" twice. Replace it with something else.

Also, one more thing; you've repeatedly misspelled Julius Caesar's name. the Caesar part alone has three different spellings in the story! Well, there it is, you can edit it if you like.

My robe was causing me to grow warm but it was soft and a bit itchy.

This was a negative thought followed by a positive thought then another negative thought. I suggest you clump the negative thoughts together, or the "but" becomes redundant.

Caesar's death could have been done a little better. There was no feeling of shock, no abrupt line that broke through the smooth flow. Since it's pivotal to the story, it needs to have more weight than the rest.

"You, Brutus?"

I think the line was "You too, Brutus?" but that isn't all that important.

I love how the stars twinkle happily before his death and sadly after. It made for a pleasing image.

Overall, this was very nicely written. I love your style, and how you've shown the complicated, mixed emotions that Atticus feels with stunning depth. Great job. And like I said, the imagery and descriptions were fantastic!
I am sorry if my review seemed to be nitpicky.
I hope you keep writing. Good luck!

- Lee




Cow says...


Thank you! I have the line you Brutus in there so plainly as Julia%u2019s took in Brutus, and when he was actually killed, Julia%u2019s literally gave up and Brutus actually said nothing at all. Julia%u2019s have up the moment he saw Brutus, a man he has helped and know for so long.



mythh says...


completely out of context but @LittleLee is like Sean Bean ya know?



LittleLee says...


...



Cow says...


aHAHAH



User avatar


Points: 125
Reviews: 1

Donate
Sun Jun 21, 2020 12:09 am
View Likes
Kiami wrote a review...



So - It's a mixed review from me, but overall very positive. Stylistically it's very easy to read, and consistent. It's not something someone would struggle to get through but rather enjoy the experience of reading it. This is, in major part, due to the writing tone, which is very modern, informal and natural to read.
However, using this style to write real historical figures is always tricky because you run the risk of strangifying the people, particularly in their speech. The way people spoke 2000 years ago was very different to now, and it can take the reader out of the realism of the piece if they use words and phrasing that are particular to now, or conspicuously not use ones that were common back then.
HOWEVER, there are many good examples of stories of historical figures or characters being rewritten into modern speech. (Think Blackadder, modern Shakespeare adaptations, e.c.t). There's a payoff between people reading the story easily and being taken out of the story because it's unrealistic - this story doesn't suffer the latter too badly, and in my opinion, it's better that it's written this way here, but ultimately it's the decision of the author. Maybe try and find some phrases and quotes that they were known to say and incorporate them into a conversation as an exercise to get a feel for a more historically accurate way of speaking or some idioms, words or phrases that were used at the time. (Latin and ancient greek in this case). I also feel the choice of first-person past tense narration helps to humanise the character and his reactions, and tie in his inner monologue in a natural way. It makes the story more about his internal conflict rather than the political sphere around Ceasar's assassination, and that makes for a more interesting story here IMO.
All in all, I'd say this style is really good and enjoyable, and I'd like to see more works, especially of an original, fictional story, where your personal phrasing might really shine.
You set scenes and pictures very well and have nice use of adjectives - I think if you had to write a scene where someone was finding glimmers of beauty in something horrible or ugly, you'd do it very well.

Some grammatical edits:
"made me wondered" - made me wonder
"We plan on, in the next gathering with him or as soon as possible, to kill him." The sentence should make sense without the interjection between the commas, i.e. "We plan on to kill him." - Maybe either "We plan, in the next gathering with him or as soon as possible, to kill him." or "We plan on, in the next gathering with him or as soon as possible, killing him."
"allowing his kind of 'democracy' to go on the empire will fall." would benefit from a comma after "on".
"He's beloved and hated, yes but kill him?" - the comma should be after the "yes" or one before and after it.
"The stars had fallen across the sky, a blanket to warm up the blue of the sky" - Really nice imagery, but better without the repetition of the word "sky". Maybe just "The stars had fallen across the sky, a blanket to warm up the blue that was to wake up the next morning."
Interesting choice of making Alceme the wife of Atticus, as his wife was a woman named Caecilia Pilea, and Alcmene was the fictional mother of Heracles.
"I head to where we were supposed to meet but the pit in my stomach had grown worse." - "I headed" to keep it past tense.
"Atticus Servius" - I don't know if this is written on purpose like a nickname, as "Serius" means preserver, as in, he should preserve the old ways, but his real historical name was "Titus Pomponius Atticus"
"She had seen too but we knew better to involve ourselves in that." - Needs a comma after "too".




Cow says...


I do have an original work up! I'll tag you in the first chapter. Also, I'm legitimently crying from your comment on how I would be able to write glimmers of beauty in things normally not perceived that way. I thank you for choosing one of my stories as your first review!! <3



User avatar
43 Reviews


Points: 2406
Reviews: 43

Donate
Sat Jun 20, 2020 8:05 pm
View Likes
Cow says...



@LittleLee @Gravitem

Figured you two would be the ones that might care about this story... It has one of the lines I'm most proudest of that I've written in it, so yeah. Enjoy?







and this person that seems to know how to review.


@zaminami





With great power... comes great need to take a nap. Wake me up later.
— Rick Riordan, The Heroes of Olympus