z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

Story II - Crown of Ashes

by Cow


   The ocean was hitting the rocks and all I could do was watch. The foam curled at the edge of the water, it's blue so startling to me as my hair struggled to get loose in its crown of braids upon my head.

   I took a deep breath, knowing what was behind me. That time is gone, but there is no forgetting it. 

   The only one who knows that time is the woman beside me, my dear wife, Heidrun. Her face held scars from that day, but her eyes still showed that glow of brightness that made me fall for her in the first place. 

  We were here to try and rid the old ruins of its issue. We had our secrets, I did especially. It was one of the reasons it fell. 

  "My dear Saga, it's getting late. As enticing as the sea may be, you must put an end to that which is plaguing you here." She spoke, her voice soft as I looked at her. 

  "I don't wish to remember what happened here, but the ghost of it haunts me. Those that attacked hurt my kingdom, our kingdom, my darling..." I pause as the waves crashed against the rocks again, unbothered by the chilling air that accompanied us. "But it's been years, it is time." I said, sighing.

   Heidrun stood up with me, even though I knew she would not see what I saw.

  To her, it would just be ruins, this place of crumbled rock with moss that had begun to take over; Wood that was rotting with that wet coating on the outside; Skeletons that may never move from their spots, loose pieces of jewelry now rusted.

  No more of what it once was. 

  I saw haunting figures of those that died, no eyes, just sunken black holes with sagging eyelids. Open mouths with horrid moans and cries. Ghostly blues of wisps, standing by their bodies that may never be burned in the proper way. 

   I stood in the middle of the ruins of what was once my kingdom. The roads were almost gone, overrun by plants and grass. Bits of it peaked out here and there, but nothing much. It was just enough to see where it changed its course.

  I had promised those I watched that I would protect them, I would hear them out when needed. When we were attacked, there was no time. We all scattered, slaughtered. We tried to fight but those who got away barely made it. 

  "Saga... seeing-one... Saga..." A ghost of a man hoarsely said, staring at me, his hands outstretched. "Please, hear us out. Please..." The man begged me so I sat down and patted the ground. I could see the other specters being to gather around me, dozens of them. 

  So many were children and I could see the sorrow on their faces, the pain of wanting to fully move on. I was the seeing-one. When I pass on, I shall stay as that in the eyes of my people. 

  Heidrun sat beside me, the specters seeing her and making room for even though she could not see them. She did not have my gift, I was the only one that I knew of.

   Nightmares had been torturing me for weeks, of this very place. Screams from that night, the fires, the swords slashing and arrows gouging into stomachs and fleshy parts of a body. I had admittedly been afraid to return. 

  I knew what I would be greeted with, but it was to help my citizens one last time.

   I smiled warmly at those that were around me. It had been so long. "My people, I'm so sorry for what has happened. I was not strong enough to return for some time, I wanted to try to recover on my own but alas, it is time to come back to the walls that once housed our home." 

   I saw specters begin to fade at that, pleasant glows appearing then swiftly leaving just as soon as they had appeared. Heidrun held my hand and I held hers back, the comfort reassuring. 

   "That day is long gone, it is time to move on. It was not our fault, it was ok that we were taken off-guard. Look to the ocean crashing at the shores, listen to it. Let it lull you to sleep. It is ok to move on, your queens will make sure of that." I said, trying my best to reassure them. 

   I wanted my people to have a rightful ceremony of leaving this earthly plane. If it meant gathering every body to skeleton to burn, to let sink into the sea, then so be it. 

  It was time to move on, for all of us.

   

   


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64 Reviews


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Reviews: 64

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Wed Jun 24, 2020 6:49 am
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QuoolQuo wrote a review...



A hoy hoy,

This is a lovely story and engaging despite its length, I've never listened to the song that you say it was based on so hopefully that won't affect my review. So, without further ado, here are some general comments;

1. I would say that there isn't much information given to the situation, characters and world but I know that some writers like this approach instead of having to build an entire world for a single short story and I have to admit that you pull this off quite well. Therefore I will content myself to just say that the lack of exposition was noticeable and while it didn't detract from the story I am curious to what exactly happened to the characters kingdom as very little is told except that it was massacred.

2. This is only a small note which is that I was a bit confused by the gender of the main character, Saga, until the very end when they said "queens". This might just be me but when I read up to their wife my brain wasn't sure which way to go. One half thought, 'Ah! LGBTQ, very nice,' but then the other always second-guessing half thought 'what if its just a guy who likes to braid his hair? its a common trope in fantasy' (*cough cough* elves *cough cough*).
As I said, this might just be me, I've never really been one to notice this stuff.

All this aside (and there's only very little to push aside) I can't think of anything else to comment on. There's always grammar but there was nothing that I really noticed and there are certainly many people on here who are far better at that stuff than me.
To conclude though, I I really did like this story and your writing style is very readable and I would definitely continue to read if you added anything more to this story.

Have a nice day!
- H.G




Cow says...


Thank you! I purposely left the characters gender, unknown. To help leave questions, and for it to not seem like some big thing to flaunt as part of the story, for it just be a part of it like any normal story.



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Sat Jun 20, 2020 6:38 am
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LittleLee wrote a review...



Hi Cow, here I come with a review!
It isn't half as bad as you think! You've done a pretty good job, considering you wrote it on the spot and didn't heavily edit it. So I say, well done!
I'm just going to look at the few mistakes you mad while writing. I'm sorry if my review is too critical, I'm just trying to help.

Let's begin.

it's blue so startling

There shouldn't be an apostrophe here.

That time is gone, but there is no forgetting it.
The only one who knows that time is the woman beside me,

Replace "is" with "was" in all the instances. That's because you've written the rest of the story in the past tense.

We were here to try and rid the old ruins of its issue.

This was quite difficult to understand. Maybe you could try rewording it like this: "We were *there* to try and rid the old ruins of their hauntings."
Just a suggestion, though.

I pause as the waves crashed

*paused

I knew she would not see

I think you mean to say "could not see".

I had promised those I watched that

*watched over.

We all scattered, slaughtered.

*We were all scattered

We tried to fight

*had tried to fight. I think.

hoarsely said

How about you just say, "said hoarsely"?

When I pass on, I shall stay

I think this should be, "When I passed on, I would stay".

Nightmares had been torturing me for weeks, of this very place.

Try bringing the second half forward like this: "Nightmares of this very place".


Overall, you've done a pretty good job, so don't beat yourself up and keep writing!
Once again, I apologise if the review was too nitpicky.
Good luck!

-Lee




Cow says...


No, no! You good, my dude. My grammar is what i need to work, especially tenses. I really need a trick for that, to be honest. Thank you!



LittleLee says...


:D Glad to help.
I'll get around to reviewing your novel a little while later



Cow says...


:)



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Sat Jun 20, 2020 5:04 am
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Cow says...



Based on the song paper crowns by alec benjamin. Thank you @LittleLee for the suggestion! This is not a good story in my opinion, definitely among some of my worse work but I do hope you enjoy. : )





"Of course it is happening inside your head, Harry, but why on earth should that mean that it is not real?"
— Albus Dumbledore