Jade here. I just entered the ninth grade and I have my three best friends by my side ready to face the difficulties of high school, Jennifer, Jacinda, and Jessica.
“Oh… boys. Sweet check out Tom. He must have worked out over the summer because he’s looking mighty fine.”
“Jenn, come on you’ve known the guy since forever. And he looks just like he did last year. What’s changed?”
“Jade, everyone knows it social suicide to go throughout high school boyfriend less.”
“Obviously not everyone, Jacey.”
“Well of course you wouldn’t know you’ve got John.” Jess implies.
“I’ve had John since seventh grade, he doesn’t count. No offense hun.”
John replies, “None taken babe.”
First bell rings, and Jess says, “We better get going or we’ll be late.”
John walked me to class like he had the past two years. He never cared if he was late, he wanted to walk me to class no matter what.
When John and I got to my class he kissed me, hugged me and started to walk away when the most obnoxious kid in school walked up and said, “Get it!” John turned around and replied, “Shut up Tye.”
“Make me Johnny boy.”
“Do you really want to mess with me the first day of school?”
I jumped in, “Guys stop, cant we all just get along?”
Tye, “Oh wow, John you have to get your girl to bail you out of everything.”
John punched him in the left eye. Tye plunged to the ground with a hard thud.
I kissed John and told him to get to class and when Tye came to I helped him up and said, “If you EVER try to pick a fight with him again you’re going to have two matching black eyes.” I walked right past him and entered the class room right before the late bell rang.
After geometry I was walking and Max came up to me. Max is the quarterback for the football team. Both he and I are supposed to me together according to him, my mom, and his mom, because we are the “hometown celebrities”. Of course he has to bring it up…
As he puts his arm around me Max says, “Hey babe, when you going to drop Johnny and come to me?”
“Not anytime soon. I love him.” Then I picked up his arm and took it from around my neck.
“Well we’re destined, so it’s only a matter of time.”
“Well there are some things you just don’t know about me and you’ll never understand. But John does and he loves me for it. Plus when are you going to get it through your thick skull that I don’t like you.”
Max's response was something I didn’t like, “Well you’ll like me sooner than you think and you’ll have no choice.”
It didn’t take long for the school day to end. I waited for the long pick-up line to drive by, my mom was always last. But as usual I walked home because she was late. So, as I’m walking the usual route, Jack, the coolest guy in school, other than Max, came up to me and started a conversation.
“So I saw you and Max talking earlier…”
“Yeah, his choice not mine.”
“Well, I don't think you should be with him.”
“Yeah, me either but what’s your reasons?”
“Well first off he’s a jerk. Second he’s only after one thing. And third you belong with me.” A smirk suddenly appears across his face
“Here let me tell you something. You, Max, and any others guy in school can just back off because I love John.”
“Well you can think that but I’m walking you home. A girl like you shouldn’t be walking home alone.”
Jack isn’t all the bad guy I thought he was but he is still a little creepy. He lightened up on the whole “we need go out” thing but we insisted we take the long way so we could “bond”. Well lets just say worst mistake EVER! We got jumped and while Jack, being the brave one, had to act all tough, which only made things worse. They knocked him out cold and blind folded me. All I remember is me being dragged through the leaves, and by the way I counted it was about seven minutes from where we were attacked. I remember them duck taping my mouth then it all went blank.
When I woke up I was in my bed. Freaky right? Yeah well my big brother was sitting next to me. As is started to wake up he called my mother in. She walked through the old wooden framed door and I asked, “W-What happened?”
She replied, “You were found lying on the cold concrete sidewalk by Max and he brought you home. That’s when Spencer (my brother) called me.”
“Mom?”
“Yes Jade?”
“Can I talk to Spence for a minute?”
“Of course.”
As she left I started to talk.
“Spence was there any blood on my pants when max brought me home?”
“Yes, Why?”
“Because I know what happened. I know what happened to me!”
“What happened?”
“Tell mom to start the car we are going to the E.R.”
“Why what happened?”
“I think I was raped.”
“Wait. What!?”
“Yeah the last thing I remember was walking home from school with Jack when we got jumped then he tried to defend my when they knocked him out. I didn’t see there faces because they blind folded me and that’s all I remember.”
“O-Ok I’ll go tell mom”
As we entered the E.R. mom told me, “When they ask you questions answer anything that you might remember.”
“Yes ma’am.”
We were sitting in the waiting area when the doctor called us back.
His name was Dr. Sea. Funky name in my opinion, but if he was going to help me I didn’t care about his name.
They hooked me up to an IV, drew some blood, and then asked some questions. I had a pretty strong support system. Even though I hated some of them, their support was pretty enormous. There was Jack, Max, Scott (Jacey’s little brother), John, Tye even showed up. Jacey, Jess, and Jenn were there, well of course they would show up they’re my best friends. Everyone had something to give me; a flower, balloons, or even a stuffed animal.
“Thank you. All of you for coming and supporting me.”
“Of course we would come and support you, we care about you,” Says John.
“Where’s Jack?”
“I’m right here.”
“Get over here so I can give you a hug.”
“Why give me a hug?”
“Because you risked yourself to save me, and even though you failed,”
“Well thanks…”
“Let me finish. Even though you failed, you still tried and I thank you. Can everyone leave; I want to talk to Jack alone.”
John, “Sure, come on guys lets go.”
“Thanks John.” I smile.
“No problem.”
After everyone left, jack asked me why I needed to talk to him alone.
“Because what I want to talk to you about I don’t want anyone else hearing.”
“Ok. What is it?”
“Did you mean what you said before we got jumped?”
“Every single word, why?”
“Because I wondering if that's why you risked yourself for me.”
“I risked myself because that’s anything a real man who cared would do.”
“Well. Thank you.”
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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Hi there,
) For example, In this sentence:
As promised, I returned to read as soon as I was able. My editing skills may not be up to par at the moment, I have a killer sinus headache. But I shall do my best.
One of the things I noticed is how you phrase things. It's very different from the way I write, when I'm working on my novels. (Not bad, just different.
I would have written: The first bell rang, and Jess said, "We better get going, or we'll be late.
Like I said though, we have different styles. That's just an example.
Also, I noticed that you, like I, are much better at dialog, rather then describing your surroundings, and what's happening.
Like here,
We got jumped.That's it? We got jumped? What about describing a bit more detail like, what did she see right before they were jumped? and while Jack, being the brave one, had to act all tough, which only made things worse. What did he do? What did he say? How exactly did it "make things worse"?
I know, I had alot to say, but, do not misunderstand me, please. What you have here is great! It just needs some tweaking. Why don't you look over what you have and ask yourself, "If this was happening to me, what would I see, think or feel?" That helps me.
Anyways, off to read chapter two!
God Bless,
Amber.
Thank you i used some of your suggestions and I liked them I didn't notice half of those things.
Hi, Sakin here as you asked. I'm going to take this piece by piece, ok? First, this is a really good piece. Second, I noticed there was no title, why is that? Third this sentence didn't really make much sence to me. You basically repeat the same thing twice.
Try cutting one of these parts out, it would make more since.
Also, this sentence could use an 'and' in there after the comma.
I noticed there generally aren't paragraphs, and you switch back and forth from past tense to present. It makes it harder to read.
I'm not sure why, but this just seems wrong--like it doesn't fit here for some reason, though I know it's supposed to. Maybe revise it a bit?
You repeated that it was the first day of school, so it made it sound weird.
I added a comma right there, because the name is set off from the rest of this sentence.
This moves way too fast. Slow it down a bit, tell about Tye's reaction to the punch, or even the main character's reaction.
it switched back to present tence again. Also, I added a comma again and changed 'help' to 'helped'.
This just sounds like it needs to be revised somehow. Also, the 'off' can be cut out because it makes sence without it.
Maxes needs to be "Max's" because you're showing ownership over the response, not a plural version of Max.
Ok, so many things wrong with this sentence. I personally would never start a sentence off like this, but it's not my choice to change it, it's yours. Although this may be true, you would place a comma after the word 'so'. Also, 'Max' should be capitalized. This is a run-on sentence, meaning it goes on and on without stopping. Try putting into two parts.
I think you mean "Well, I don't think you should be with him."
Instead of saying 'secondly' and 'thirdly' say 'second' and 'third' since he says 'first' and not 'firstly'.
I think you mean 'walking'.
do you mean 'them'?
First, you should capitalize 'she'. Also 'I said' should be 'I asked'.
I'm going to spoiler my over all thoughts.
Spoiler
~Forsakinshadow~