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16+ Violence

Human Dart Board--- rough draft part 1

by CotardDelusionz


Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for violence.

I've become a human dart board. I'm entertainment for the people you never even wanna imagine exist. Should we have sympathy for evil? Good people do bad things and bad people do good things, but evil is different, no matter whether something good or bad is done there's always malice intent behind it.

I was kidnapped, why me? Is this a lesson? Maybe for all the amber alerts I quickly disregarded, and went on with my life while someone else may have been in a position like me. I ate while they bled. I cry everyday. I miss being human. I miss the few good people I knew. Sometimes I pray I'm not found. I don't want my mom to see me like this. I remember everything, every disgusting detail.

They drag me into a room and beat me so hard my brain gets damaged. Repeated blows straight to the skull I can even feel it crack at a point, and they put me into a seizure, my body stiffens and jerks, I bite my tongue, foam and blood oozes out of my clenched teeth. I'm permanently unable to function properly now, and I can't move most of my limbs due to the brain damage. As they beat me they stripped me. They drag my nude battered body against the concrete floor. Then they lifted me up against a wall and spread my arms like I was gonna be nailed onto a cross, and nailed my hands into the wall behind me with large, thick, long, sharp nails. For better leverage they stretch the skin above my shoulders and nail that skin into the wall as well with smaller nails. Next they spread my legs and nail my feet to the wall. During all this, barely conscious, I murmur groans of pain, with my face swollen and frowned and tight as you do when you cry, tears come down my face, drool mixed with blood spills out my busted lips. I hung there with pain in every part of my body, and just when I thought they were done they got pliers and stretched my tongue downward to the bottom of my chin then with one hard direct hit they nailed my tongue onto my chin, the nail went through my tongue and deep into my chin. Blood from my tongue squirted out on impact and splattered on my face. As soon as it happened I wailed of pain from deep within my throat.

So that's how they hanged me here, I've been here for, it feels like months, I don't know when day or night comes. I'm fed every few days to keep me barely alive. I guess it's more fun to them when they chuck darts at me while I'm alive. I could never understand the sick and twisted. 


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Thu Oct 21, 2021 8:26 pm
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MissGangamash wrote a review...



Okay, wow, that was... a lot.

When they mentioned being a human dart board, I didn't think they meant LITERALLY.

I agree with Pheonix, the brutal torture is indeed... brutal, but throwing us right into it may not be the best way to go. Unless this is a larger piece and this is before a flashback to how the MC got into this state? Thennnnn that could work well. But as Pheonix said, we know nothing about the narrator and so it is hard for us to know what to really feel about them in this situation. I dunno... maybe the deserved it... And we also don't know who there kidnappers are so again, maybe they're getting revenge? If you want all these questions in your readers head because you're going to then do a flashback and answer them, AWESOME! If not... have a think and a rework.

Hope this helps!

(Also wouldn't the narrator simply die of blood loss if they're nailed up there for that long?)






Thank you for the great review. I agree with all said I'll be sure to revise and add more to this story whenever I'm not being lazy haha.



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Mon Oct 04, 2021 5:57 am
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HarryHardy wrote a review...



Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

First Impression: So, this was a pretty shocking point to start a story on. You know exactly the sort of thing you're in for with that sort of description there. It certainly got my attention quite well here.

Anyway let's get right to it,

I've become a human dart board. I'm entertainment for the people you never even wanna imagine exist. Should we have sympathy for evil? Good people do bad things and bad people do good things, but evil is different, no matter whether something good or bad is done there's always malice intent behind it.


OOoh, this is an interesting little start here. It looks to be from the POV of someone that's being used by these "evil people" that want to use this person for their own entertainment through some sort of horrifying act. The way you define evil there is also an interesting one. At any rate, this totally gets your attention as a reader quite quickly here and I love that.

I was kidnapped, why me? Is this a lesson? Maybe for all the amber alerts I quickly disregarded, and went on with my life while someone else may have been in a position like me. I ate while they bled. I cry everyday. I miss being human. I miss the few good people I knew. Sometimes I pray I'm not found. I don't want my mom to see me like this. I remember everything, every disgusting detail.


Well, this certainly seems to be summing up some pretty horrifying events there, judging by the state of the person that is being described here. It looks like someone for some reason ended up being kidnapped by some group and is now being repeatedly tortured rather badly and this person is really starting to feel the effects of all of it here.

They drag me into a room and beat me so hard my brain gets damaged. Repeated blows straight to the skull I can even feel it crack at a point, and they put me into a seizure, my body stiffens and jerks, I bite my tongue, foam and blood oozes out of my clenched teeth. I'm permanently unable to function properly now, and I can't move most of my limbs due to the brain damage. As they beat me they stripped me. They drag my nude battered body against the concrete floor. Then they lifted me up against a wall and spread my arms like I was gonna be nailed onto a cross, and nailed my hands into the wall behind me with large, thick, long, sharp nails. For better leverage they stretch the skin above my shoulders and nail that skin into the wall as well with smaller nails. Next they spread my legs and nail my feet to the wall. During all this, barely conscious, I murmur groans of pain, with my face swollen and frowned and tight as you do when you cry, tears come down my face, drool mixed with blood spills out my busted lips. I hung there with pain in every part of my body, and just when I thought they were done they got pliers and stretched my tongue downward to the bottom of my chin then with one hard direct hit they nailed my tongue onto my chin, the nail went through my tongue and deep into my chin. Blood from my tongue squirted out on impact and splattered on my face. As soon as it happened I wailed of pain from deep within my throat.


Well that's a big ouchie...wow. That is quite the arrangement there that these kidnappers have come up with. You certainly wonder what could've been the cause behind such a horrific act here. It is quite a wonder that this person is still conscious through all of this. This sounds like a lot of blood loss and a cracked skull usually means a massive headache that's just not gonna stop. Definitely a powerful description that you've used here, it really conveys the horror quite well.

So that's how they hanged me here, I've been here for, it feels like months, I don't know when day or night comes. I'm fed every few days to keep me barely alive. I guess it's more fun to them when they chuck darts at me while I'm alive. I could never understand the sick and twisted.


Well that explains the dart board situation, although how this person is still alive and conscious is a mystery...even if they feed this person, the sort of injuries going on here would've caused some serious issues by this point if it really has been quite a long time. At any rate, you certainly get a reader's attention here, its a pretty powerful hook and find yourself wanting to know more, especially the question of why someone would do this.

Aaaaand that's it for this one.

Overall: Overall, this makes for a powerful start here. Its bringing across a very simple idea in this first part here, and it delivers well on that and makes you want to know more. All in all, this is a pretty good starting point.

As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Harry






Thanks for the review! Much appreciated.



HarryHardy says...


You're Welcome!!



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Mon Oct 04, 2021 3:57 am
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PhoenixEmberly wrote a review...



Ello! Phoenix here for a little review.

Honestly, this felt a bit incoherent to me. That's okay! This is a rough draft after all. That being said, the story has a few structural issues, as well as pacing issues. For one, we don't understand who our protagonist is. This is important, because developing a relationship with our protagonist can help us understand their situation and care about their situation. Furthermore, the pacing of the story is much too fast. The protagonist goes from being kidnapped to being brutally tortured in a matter of moments. We then wrap up the story with the protagonist pondering about his predicament, but this feels unsatisfying without proper build up to this point.

I would also like to mention that the brutal torture isn't impactful. We have no idea how to feel about it because we haven't developed any relationship with the protagonist. We don't know why it's a part of the story because the pacing is so fast with little time dedicated to fleshing out the characters involved and their motivations for their actions. To the readers knowledge, a nameless and faceless protagonist is being needlessly tortured by faceless and nameless villains. What you have here is the ribcage of a story without any of the meat.

Again, that's okay! A rough draft is very rarely going to be finished, and what is truly important is whether your concept is good. I think this is a very interesting concept, and with the right execution you ca build upon it to construct a wonderful story!

Happy writing,
-Phoenix






Thank youu!




“I am not worried, Harry," said Dumbledore, his voice a little stronger despite the freezing water. "I am with you.”
— Albus Dumbledore, Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince