Young Writers Society

Okay, wow, that was... a lot.

When they mentioned being a human dart board, I didn't think they meant LITERALLY.

I agree with Pheonix, the brutal torture is indeed... brutal, but throwing us right into it may not be the best way to go. Unless this is a larger piece and this is before a flashback to how the MC got into this state? Thennnnn that could work well. But as Pheonix said, we know nothing about the narrator and so it is hard for us to know what to really feel about them in this situation. I dunno... maybe the deserved it... And we also don't know who there kidnappers are so again, maybe they're getting revenge? If you want all these questions in your readers head because you're going to then do a flashback and answer them, AWESOME! If not... have a think and a rework.

Hope this helps!

(Also wouldn't the narrator simply die of blood loss if they're nailed up there for that long?)

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

First Impression: So, this was a pretty shocking point to start a story on. You know exactly the sort of thing you're in for with that sort of description there. It certainly got my attention quite well here.

Anyway let's get right to it,

I've become a human dart board. I'm entertainment for the people you never even wanna imagine exist. Should we have sympathy for evil? Good people do bad things and bad people do good things, but evil is different, no matter whether something good or bad is done there's always malice intent behind it.

I was kidnapped, why me? Is this a lesson? Maybe for all the amber alerts I quickly disregarded, and went on with my life while someone else may have been in a position like me. I ate while they bled. I cry everyday. I miss being human. I miss the few good people I knew. Sometimes I pray I'm not found. I don't want my mom to see me like this. I remember everything, every disgusting detail.

They drag me into a room and beat me so hard my brain gets damaged. Repeated blows straight to the skull I can even feel it crack at a point, and they put me into a seizure, my body stiffens and jerks, I bite my tongue, foam and blood oozes out of my clenched teeth. I'm permanently unable to function properly now, and I can't move most of my limbs due to the brain damage. As they beat me they stripped me. They drag my nude battered body against the concrete floor. Then they lifted me up against a wall and spread my arms like I was gonna be nailed onto a cross, and nailed my hands into the wall behind me with large, thick, long, sharp nails. For better leverage they stretch the skin above my shoulders and nail that skin into the wall as well with smaller nails. Next they spread my legs and nail my feet to the wall. During all this, barely conscious, I murmur groans of pain, with my face swollen and frowned and tight as you do when you cry, tears come down my face, drool mixed with blood spills out my busted lips. I hung there with pain in every part of my body, and just when I thought they were done they got pliers and stretched my tongue downward to the bottom of my chin then with one hard direct hit they nailed my tongue onto my chin, the nail went through my tongue and deep into my chin. Blood from my tongue squirted out on impact and splattered on my face. As soon as it happened I wailed of pain from deep within my throat.

So that's how they hanged me here, I've been here for, it feels like months, I don't know when day or night comes. I'm fed every few days to keep me barely alive. I guess it's more fun to them when they chuck darts at me while I'm alive. I could never understand the sick and twisted.

Ello! Phoenix here for a little review.

Honestly, this felt a bit incoherent to me. That's okay! This is a rough draft after all. That being said, the story has a few structural issues, as well as pacing issues. For one, we don't understand who our protagonist is. This is important, because developing a relationship with our protagonist can help us understand their situation and care about their situation. Furthermore, the pacing of the story is much too fast. The protagonist goes from being kidnapped to being brutally tortured in a matter of moments. We then wrap up the story with the protagonist pondering about his predicament, but this feels unsatisfying without proper build up to this point.

I would also like to mention that the brutal torture isn't impactful. We have no idea how to feel about it because we haven't developed any relationship with the protagonist. We don't know why it's a part of the story because the pacing is so fast with little time dedicated to fleshing out the characters involved and their motivations for their actions. To the readers knowledge, a nameless and faceless protagonist is being needlessly tortured by faceless and nameless villains. What you have here is the ribcage of a story without any of the meat.

Again, that's okay! A rough draft is very rarely going to be finished, and what is truly important is whether your concept is good. I think this is a very interesting concept, and with the right execution you ca build upon it to construct a wonderful story!

Happy writing,
-Phoenix