Good job!
z
Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language and violence.
[BEGINNING]
Her screams and yells have become muffled. He's so tired of it, what has he done wrong now, why can’t she be more forgiving, she’s always lecturing him. It’s such little things why does she care? She’s crazy.
Why is he so cold towards me? Why do his eyes show resentment when he looks at me? I feel so alone, I need comfort, I need to feel loved, he may think it’s little things but it’s big for me, and even if it is little, why is it so hard for him to stop? Maybe I’m just crazy.
The devil, a source of all evil, is called a beast. A lion hunts an impala to feed its cubs and it is called a beast. A human who has done more evil than any other animal, is called a human, children of god even.
Mei, a 17 year old girl is in her room while her parents shouts combined with curses echo from the kitchen into her room, “fuck, bitch, dumb-ass, piece of shit” she’s used to it and turns the volume up on her headphones. She scrolls through Instagram seeing other kids with their happy families living their easy middle class lives….or so that’s how it appears. Mei met a boy she really likes and he makes it obvious that he likes her back, he gets awkward and blushes around her. She’s thinking about making the first move because he seems too shy to ask her out somewhere, which she finds a bit frustrating.
As she walks away, as if he was some animal or beast he grabs his delicate wife by the hair, pulls her back then twirls the hair around his fist. Without hesitation and with brute force, before the full length of her scream can come out, it gets cut off and replaced with a smack and bang from her head being bashed into the kitchen marble counter. Repeatedly he smashes her face into the hard black marble, at this point she can only let out faint groans and gasps. Her nose covered in blood, crooked and smashed in makes it hard for her to breathe, drool mixed with blood leak out from her busted lips as she tries desperately to breathe with her mouth. The last thing she’ll hear is the fury rapid breaths that came out of the man she married as if he was some kind of beast.
Mei notices the loud bangs and sudden silence of both their yellings. She takes off her headphones and walks to the kitchen, through the dimly lit hallway, poor people's homes always have shitty lighting for some reason. As she makes her way through the dimly lit hall she observes the family photos on the walls. It’s quiet, too quiet, so quiet it’s almost as if silence is echoing, and you can feel it, it feels thick against the ear drums. They live in a one story house so it’s not long before she gets close to the kitchen. The silence gets interrupted with a deep low sob, she enters the kitchen to find her dad on his knees next to her mom’s body laying face first on the cold tile floor.
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
First Impression: Alright, so this was for a rough draft, a pretty good first piece here I think. It has a few issues scattered about but for the most part I'm really liking this premise here, its a very powerful scene to start on.
Anyway let's get right to it,
Her screams and yells have become muffled. He's so tired of it, what has he done wrong now, why can’t she be more forgiving, she’s always lecturing him. It’s such little things why does she care? She’s crazy.
Why is he so cold towards me? Why do his eyes show resentment when he looks at me? I feel so alone, I need comfort, I need to feel loved, he may think it’s little things but it’s big for me, and even if it is little, why is it so hard for him to stop? Maybe I’m just crazy.
The devil, a source of all evil, is called a beast. A lion hunts an impala to feed its cubs and it is called a beast. A human who has done more evil than any other animal, is called a human, children of god even.
Mei, a 17 year old girl is in her room while her parents shouts combined with curses echo from the kitchen into her room, she’s used to it and turns the volume up on her headphones. She scrolls through Instagram seeing other kids with their happy families living their easy middle class lives….or so that’s how it appears. Mei met a boy she really likes and he makes it obvious that he likes her back, he gets awkward and blushes around her. She’s thinking about making the first move because he seems too shy to ask her out somewhere, which she finds a bit frustrating.
As she walks away, as if he was some animal or beast he grabs his delicate wife by the hair, pulls her back then twirls the hair around his fist. Without hesitation and with brute force, before the full length of her scream can come out, it gets cut off and replaced with a smack and bang from her head being bashed into the kitchen marble counter. Repeatedly he smashes her face into the hard black marble, at this point she can only let out faint groans and gasps. Her nose covered in blood, crooked and smashed in makes it hard for her to breathe, drool mixed with blood leak out from her busted lips as she tries desperately to breathe with her mouth. The last thing she’ll hear is the fury rapid breaths that came out of the man she married as if he was some kind of beast.
Mei notices the loud bangs and sudden silence of both their yellings. She takes off her headphones and walks to the kitchen, through the dimly lit hallway, poor people's homes always have shitty lighting for some reason. As she makes her way through the dimly lit hall she observes the family photos on the walls. It’s quiet, too quiet, so quiet it’s almost as if silence is echoing, and you can feel it, it feels thick against the ear drums. They live in a one story house so it’s not long before she gets close to the kitchen. The silence gets interrupted with a deep low sob, she enters the kitchen to find her dad on his knees next to her mom’s body laying face first on the cold tile floor.
Hi CotardDelusionz,
Mailice here with a short review!
That was a very interesting and partly very detailed start for your story. I like how you work up to several questions at once, and thus lure the reader onto the track. Together with the title, you create a very dramatic mood, which always leads to something sinister and unknown.
Your narrative voice is quite simple, which I like. You manage to get a lot of readers, but at the same time you make it very direct about what exactly is going on. For the beginning it's a good advantage to create the structure for the later part.
I'm a bit confused with the structure at the moment because I think this prologue reads a bit weird, especially at the beginning. I think it's supposed to be more of a "glimpse of the future" or something like that to whet the appetite for the suspense, but you jump between sections so much that it's easy to get confused as a reader. I think you could emphasise it a bit differently, for example by using italics.
In terms of the story, you're off to a good start. I think except for the beginning, it seems like a solid start.
Other points I noticed while reading:
He's so tired of it, what has he done wrong now, why can’t she be more forgiving, she’s always lecturing him.
She’s crazy.
Why is he so cold towards me?
Points: 216
Reviews: 1
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