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16+ Language Violence

Doll House: rough draft part 1

by CotardDelusionz


Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language and violence.

[BEGINNING]

Her screams and yells have become muffled. He's so tired of it, what has he done wrong now, why can’t she be more forgiving, she’s always lecturing him. It’s such little things why does she care? She’s crazy.

Why is he so cold towards me? Why do his eyes show resentment when he looks at me? I feel so alone, I need comfort, I need to feel loved, he may think it’s little things but it’s big for me, and even if it is little, why is it so hard for him to stop? Maybe I’m just crazy.

The devil, a source of all evil, is called a beast. A lion hunts an impala to feed its cubs and it is called a beast. A human who has done more evil than any other animal, is called a human, children of god even.

Mei, a 17 year old girl is in her room while her parents shouts combined with curses echo from the kitchen into her room, “fuck, bitch, dumb-ass, piece of shit” she’s used to it and turns the volume up on her headphones. She scrolls through Instagram seeing other kids with their happy families living their easy middle class lives….or so that’s how it appears. Mei met a boy she really likes and he makes it obvious that he likes her back, he gets awkward and blushes around her. She’s thinking about making the first move because he seems too shy to ask her out somewhere, which she finds a bit frustrating.

As she walks away, as if he was some animal or beast he grabs his delicate wife by the hair, pulls her back then twirls the hair around his fist. Without hesitation and with brute force, before the full length of her scream can come out, it gets cut off and replaced with a smack and bang from her head being bashed into the kitchen marble counter. Repeatedly he smashes her face into the hard black marble, at this point she can only let out faint groans and gasps. Her nose covered in blood, crooked and smashed in makes it hard for her to breathe, drool mixed with blood leak out from her busted lips as she tries desperately to breathe with her mouth. The last thing she’ll hear is the fury rapid breaths that came out of the man she married as if he was some kind of beast.

Mei notices the loud bangs and sudden silence of both their yellings. She takes off her headphones and walks to the kitchen, through the dimly lit hallway, poor people's homes always have shitty lighting for some reason. As she makes her way through the dimly lit hall she observes the family photos on the walls. It’s quiet, too quiet, so quiet it’s almost as if silence is echoing, and you can feel it, it feels thick against the ear drums. They live in a one story house so it’s not long before she gets close to the kitchen. The silence gets interrupted with a deep low sob, she enters the kitchen to find her dad on his knees next to her mom’s body laying face first on the cold tile floor.


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Thu Oct 07, 2021 8:51 pm
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Sammmwich says...



Good job!




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Thu Oct 07, 2021 7:23 am
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HarryHardy wrote a review...



Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

First Impression: Alright, so this was for a rough draft, a pretty good first piece here I think. It has a few issues scattered about but for the most part I'm really liking this premise here, its a very powerful scene to start on.

Anyway let's get right to it,

Her screams and yells have become muffled. He's so tired of it, what has he done wrong now, why can’t she be more forgiving, she’s always lecturing him. It’s such little things why does she care? She’s crazy.

Why is he so cold towards me? Why do his eyes show resentment when he looks at me? I feel so alone, I need comfort, I need to feel loved, he may think it’s little things but it’s big for me, and even if it is little, why is it so hard for him to stop? Maybe I’m just crazy.


Ooh, we have ourselves a really powerful little start here. It looks to be two people that are suffering in what looks to maybe be a toxic relationship of some kind there with both of them doing nothing to comfort the other and just thinking only of the bad things that the other does. It paints a very interesting little picture here at any rate. Although looking into those final lines at the end of the two paragraphs, it seems maybe the male there is the one that's being the worst of the two..it is tough to say.

The devil, a source of all evil, is called a beast. A lion hunts an impala to feed its cubs and it is called a beast. A human who has done more evil than any other animal, is called a human, children of god even.

Mei, a 17 year old girl is in her room while her parents shouts combined with curses echo from the kitchen into her room, she’s used to it and turns the volume up on her headphones. She scrolls through Instagram seeing other kids with their happy families living their easy middle class lives….or so that’s how it appears. Mei met a boy she really likes and he makes it obvious that he likes her back, he gets awkward and blushes around her. She’s thinking about making the first move because he seems too shy to ask her out somewhere, which she finds a bit frustrating.


Hmm...that little narrator message of wisdom stands out as a little odd cause you can't really tell where exactly it is trying to come from and it kind of just sorta hangs there. Its a great little message but it doesn't seem to flow together all that well with the rest of the piece especially cause of what follows. Now this looks to be perhaps the child of the two above who's just trying to go about her life while her parents do their usual arguing. Its a little too much detail that you've put there I think. It sounds like maybe you want us to see her general nonchalance to the screaming like she's used to it and just going about her life but the level of detail you end up going to kind of serves to take away a bit too much from the general flow of the fight going on, which I don't think you want to do, cause that appears to be the main focus of this first part here.

As she walks away, as if he was some animal or beast he grabs his delicate wife by the hair, pulls her back then twirls the hair around his fist. Without hesitation and with brute force, before the full length of her scream can come out, it gets cut off and replaced with a smack and bang from her head being bashed into the kitchen marble counter. Repeatedly he smashes her face into the hard black marble, at this point she can only let out faint groans and gasps. Her nose covered in blood, crooked and smashed in makes it hard for her to breathe, drool mixed with blood leak out from her busted lips as she tries desperately to breathe with her mouth. The last thing she’ll hear is the fury rapid breaths that came out of the man she married as if he was some kind of beast.


Phew..well there comes the proper confirmation that this is in fact the focal point of this first part. That was a pretty neat description of a sudden bout of rage that just overwhelms this person and then its just a nice good ol' fashioned murder situation. That's a pretty powerful description you have there and then drawing on that beast comparison as we see the sheer brute force of how this gruesome situation plays out really sells this is a major shock here to the reader and well if the parts above don't get their attention, this part certainly will.

Mei notices the loud bangs and sudden silence of both their yellings. She takes off her headphones and walks to the kitchen, through the dimly lit hallway, poor people's homes always have shitty lighting for some reason. As she makes her way through the dimly lit hall she observes the family photos on the walls. It’s quiet, too quiet, so quiet it’s almost as if silence is echoing, and you can feel it, it feels thick against the ear drums. They live in a one story house so it’s not long before she gets close to the kitchen. The silence gets interrupted with a deep low sob, she enters the kitchen to find her dad on his knees next to her mom’s body laying face first on the cold tile floor.


Okay..that comment about the bad lighting is a little awkward and kind of out of nowhere and sort of ruins the scene you're trying to build there so I'd advise maybe removing that particular one but otherwise, this is really a nice ending here. The scene of the aftermath of that horrifying moment and just ending it there leaves us on a lovely cliffhanger to reflect on what just happened. The buildup to Mei making her way over there is also quite barring that one line I mentioned earlier.

Aaaaand that's it for this one.

Overall: Overall, a powerful opening scene here. I think you've done pretty well here with the start, there's just a couple of minor issues scattered about here and there but its pretty good for the most part. :D

As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Harry






Thank you



HarryHardy says...


You're Welcome!!



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Wed Oct 06, 2021 5:51 pm
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MailicedeNamedy wrote a review...



Hi CotardDelusionz,

Mailice here with a short review! :D

That was a very interesting and partly very detailed start for your story. I like how you work up to several questions at once, and thus lure the reader onto the track. Together with the title, you create a very dramatic mood, which always leads to something sinister and unknown.

Your narrative voice is quite simple, which I like. You manage to get a lot of readers, but at the same time you make it very direct about what exactly is going on. For the beginning it's a good advantage to create the structure for the later part.

I'm a bit confused with the structure at the moment because I think this prologue reads a bit weird, especially at the beginning. I think it's supposed to be more of a "glimpse of the future" or something like that to whet the appetite for the suspense, but you jump between sections so much that it's easy to get confused as a reader. I think you could emphasise it a bit differently, for example by using italics.

In terms of the story, you're off to a good start. I think except for the beginning, it seems like a solid start.

Other points I noticed while reading:

He's so tired of it, what has he done wrong now, why can’t she be more forgiving, she’s always lecturing him.

You should add a question mark at the end, since the sentence evolves to a question.
She’s crazy.
Why is he so cold towards me?

Your transition here isn´t really smoothly. You start talking about her and then it moves on to him. I would try to create a better bridge between the two. Also, I'm a little confused because you're suddenly changing POV? I'm a little unsure about that, but after reading through the section, it seems to me that something is wrong.

Have fun writing!

Mailice






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