What we hold.

Trust, we hold,
the choice to give, mine.
To hold a bond
to them that we are fond.
Hope to that trust,
be true.

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Points: 11152
Reviews: 303

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Sun May 26, 2013 1:30 am

StoneHeart wrote a review...

Hey Cosmo, Black here for a real quick Review Day Review!

Okay, so nice work here. A little bit of some odd grammar, a bit short, but it was good. Well written! However, just a quick suggestion: Don't you think there's a bit more said about something as important as trust? I mean, you did a good job showing it in minimal words, but don't you think you could add a lot more on the subject, about what it means, what betraying it means . . . Just an idea.

Anyway! For a bit of quick, reader nit-picking:

Trust, we hold,
the choice to give, mine.
To hold a bond
to them that we are fond.
Hope to that trust,
be true.

(24 words total). In a single stanza piece like this, trying to rhyme only two words doesn't really work. I advise you to A: Rhyme everything or B: Don't rhyme anything. Use 'love' instead of 'fond' if you choose B. The first two lines could be better said (I'm really thinking that you should expand this piece still!), and I advise you to revise them and choose better and wordier wording.

The last two lines are a bit awkward but I guess that they'll do.

Anyway, nice work! I still advise you to expand however! Good luck! - And keep writing (Remember, a writer advances through PRATICE! You won't get ANYWHERE without it!) -.

~Black~

Cosmo says...

Hi there! thanks for the review!

What I'm trying to do here is as Belle said, I'm creating my own style of poetry and structure. And I'm trying to say as much as possible in the least amount of words. I have half a dozen other poems like this that I will post at a later date.

I am not going to expand. And I know about practice. I practice every day with poetry and writing. I practice everything I do!

Points: 1120
Reviews: 9

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Sun May 26, 2013 12:54 am

BelleBeauty wrote a review...

I agree with Jordin and say you take out the "mine". It seems out of place :/

But, I like the fact you have your own style! That's a sign of a great poet! Also, another sign is that you do a lot with the words you have, which you did here! But, maybe you should add more colorful words to spice up the poem! I want to feel a little something from this! It makes me not care what the narrator is saying, which would be you. I need something to keep me interested, to make me care.

That's it! But it was a really great poem :3

Thanks for reading until here <3

~Belle

Points: 755
Reviews: 43

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Sat May 25, 2013 2:26 pm

SocialSuicide107 says...

I personally think you should keep the mine, but I would say maybe change the them to those. I think that it would make the poem flew just a little better. Either way I do like this poem. It sweet, short and straight to the point. Well done.