The morning dew soaked through my trousers as I sat beneath the head teacher's office in the hedge. It was my only place of refuge during the morning break. I hugged my knees to my chest and peered through the foliage to the other side of the small grass yard.
I was one of the six boys that attended the primary school, five of them were part of the ‘bike shed gang’ as I so called them. There were four other girls, but that didn't matter to me, I was only 6.
I saw the boys crouch to the floor and stand back up, then amble around to the left and disappeared out of my line of sight. I sat confused and slightly worried, and rightly so, as a few seconds after they disappeared a barrage of stones flew through the hedge. I squeaked and pressed myself against the wall, a stone hit my knee and I rubbed it with my hand vigorously. The barrage stopped after about 10 seconds, and I waited for more, but none came, they must have run out of stones. I sat tending my leg with an affectionate hand.
The bell rang. Only the warning one, but I wanted to be inside from this slice of every day hell.
Staying within the perimeter of the hedge and peered out. They stalked back the shed, their backs to me. Hunching over and went onto my knees, I played with the dirt, rubbing it into my hands, glancing up every few seconds to see what they were doing. Nothing. Which made it even worse. I had to wait longer to find out what they were going to do. The small of my back began to sweat slightly, I clenched the dirt in my hands.
Second bell.
I dashed out of the bush faster than a blink and rounded the corner. I dared not look back to see if they were in pursuit or not. The fact that I couldn’t hear any movement behind me made it more terrifying. I grabbed the corner of the building with my hand and swung myself around with the momentum. I still didn’t look back. I could feel myself starting to hyperventilate. I ran up to the door and rattled it. Locked. I reached up and smacked the buzzer on the side of the door, my last distress call. I whipped my head around to see if they were there.
They were. I faced them, but left my hand on the buzzer, still no one came to my aid. I watched the leader. He stood between his 4 cronies and watched me. He raised his hand, but without a stone.
“Peace. We come in peace.” His hand was clenched, but his index figure and middle finger rose and made the ‘peace’ sign. There was no peace, no permanent peace any way, they were always waiting for me if I didn’t get out quick enough at lunch, or get into school early enough. He stood there holding his hand up. My hand was still on the buzzer. He stepped forward and rose his other hand. “We come in peace” He said. I shook my head and shrank back. The door opened as the teacher unlocked it, I bolted inside and stood behind the her as she let the other boys in. He lowered his hand and grinned at me menacingly, like the whole thing was a game.
The ‘peace’ he had acclaimed was only temporary. Nothing ever lasted, especially peace. Dominance over the small and vulnerable was a primitive feature, unfortunately for me. Time was the only cure, but it was also a poison.
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139,660 Literary Works • 672,645 Reviews
Cosmo,
Sorry for the delay! I am excited to be reviewing however! Please keep in mind that anything I say is 100%honestlyheartfelttruth and so probably 100% gibberish as well. In other words, take each word with a grain of salt! Now that the disclaimers are done, let's get on with it!
I dunno what I was expecting finding your narrator hiding in the bushes outside of the principal's office. I thought it a promising first sentence where I was thinking ooo maybe there's some kind of prank he's pulling, maybe the kid is spying, or trying to break into his "permanent" record -- I dunno, it's an odd setting to start off with, and the more I think about it, the more I wonder why your character didn't just knock against the glass to get the principal's attention, or even scream, or cry loudly. There's this one part where you character sounds an alarm or a buzzer -- and I find it really hard that there's no description of teachers or students wandering around wondering what's happening. Or even if everyone ignores the alarm, I find it hard to believe that the bullies didn't run or duck for cover, after all, I'd doubt they'd want to get in trouble or have to explain their actions.
That he was hiding from bullies though, I guess I just found that a bit anti-climatic. My impression of this entire piece could be summarized as such: Boy hides in bushes, he gets bullied by a gang - the bell rings, and they leave him alone.
What are the two definitions of peace? That still reminds unclear here!
[b]Suggestions[b].
So, I get that this is a very personal piece - and I'm wondering whether you're writing 100% completely based on actual experience where it's more of a nonfiction piece and you're telling the facts as you remember it, or if you've done a sort of combination where you have some stuff based on experience, but this is still completely fictional character in a fictional scenario.
If it's the former, I suggest going more personal in a sense. How has this event changed you, don't just leave it as an isolated incident, but how have you fared throughout your childhood up til today? Really create some scenes here, they don't have to be in depth, they can just be snippets! And then, don't be afraid to let out the ugly truth, or be vulnerable. These sorts of things do happen and I'm sorry that this happened to you. I'm also glad that you are writing about it and that you are raising awareness, I think this is very important and I think you are very brave.
If it's the latter - then ignore everything I just said. That kind of stuff will be nice to have in there, but the thing about fiction is that you have the freedom to really play with things and hook and grab us and get our attention. The most important thing to remember though is that your character starts off as just a boy hiding in bushes - try to make the events of your story unfold in such a way that your character changes by the end of the story. It doesn't necessarily have to be for the better. Be creative with it.
Let me know if you have any questions!
~ as always, Audy
Thanks for the review! I can see what you mean by more of a personal thing, and making it more conclusive as to how it changed me personally.
There were only 12 people at the school. The teacher didn't care (she was horrible and actually abused a child in one case, we only had 1 teacher at the school, and sometimes another came in on a Tuesday. It was on a tiny island in Scotland. There was no alarm because the teacher just muted the buzzer when she knew it was me, she was horrible, was only ever nice when parents or other adults were around, that's answers your first question. and I stopped knocking on the window after a while because she would scream at me, the teacher that is) the step-by-step that you did is basically what happened. The 2 definitions of peace is the one that is described in the dictionary, "a state or period in which there is no war or war has ended". Whilst in this case it is only prolonged, and there is always more suffering to come. That is why I put "time was the only cure" as well as "but it was also a poison", because something like that happened most days. I hope that makes it a little more clear!
Hey there, Cosmo. Welcome to YWS.
This is more of a descriptive piece than it is a short story. I feel like there isn't really a plot to it. If you made the main character have some sort of revelation, it would make it have a plot. Perhaps make him have a revelation about the definitions of peace. As it is, it's a nice descriptive piece.
About the title-- spell out "two"
I like the descriptions in here, and you move the action along well. There are a lot of grammatical errors in here, though. There are lots of fragments and run-ons. I'm going to write the sentences below with the correct punctuation.
The morning dew soaked through my trousers as I sat beneath the head teacher's office in the hedge. (teachers is possessive, so it's teacher's)
I was one of the six boys that attended the primary school. Five of them were part of the ‘bike shed gang,' or so I called them. (It is always better to spell out numbers (do the same with the next sentence))
There were four other girls; the oldest was the only one that pitied me.
Also, a suggestion for the sentence above: Don't mention the girl that pitied you unless she's going to show up. It's an unneeded detail.
You tend to refer to the bike shed gang as one unit, but if you refer to them as the boys, it will be more realistic and easy to visualize. "the bike shed gang crouched" makes them sound like an army of syncronized robots, but "the boys crouched" makes it sound more natural.
I saw the gang crouch to the floor and stand back up, and then shift around to the left. The boys disappeared out of my line of sight, and the head teachers office. (I'm not sure what that last bit is about, but it doesn't belong. I'll leave it in so you can decide what you want to do with it.)
I squeaked and pressed myself against the wall. A stone hit my knee and I rubbed it (with my hand) vigorously. (I put (with my hand) in parenthasees because it should be omitted. You don't need it.)
The barrage stopped after about 10 seconds. I waited for more, but none came. They must have run out of stones.
I sat tending my leg with an affectionate hand. (omit this sentence)
The bell went. (How about the bell rang, or something. Went is not a strong verb at all.)
Only the warning one, but I wanted to be inside from this slice of every day hell. (this sentence is pretty dramatic. I know it sucks for the kid, but I doubt that a kid this young is thinking that. He wants to be inside, but from hell? I don't think he would be quite that angsty yet)
In the next paragraph, every sentence starts with I. Vary your sentence structure to make it more interesting.
Which made it even worse. I had to wait longer to find out what they were going to do.
(show, don't tell. build suspense. Make his palms sweat or something. "my palms were damp with anxiety. When would they next strike?")
Like a hare in the wind. (I don't really get this simile. Try something else.)
I dared not look back to see if they were in pursuit or not. (dared was in present tense before I fixed it)
In this paragraph, many sentences start with I. Try again to vary your sentence structure.
There was no peace, no permanent peace any way. They were always waiting for me if I didn’t get out quick enough at lunch, or get into school early enough.
Again, I feel like the character should have some kind of revelation at the end.
Nice job. I enjoyed reviewing it. Happy writing!
The character is me, this actually happened to me, I had quite an abusive first 7 years in school. It was very much hell as I was thrown over walls, humiliated in front of the teachers and in the school yard, like having my trousers ripped off me at one point and thrown on top of the school shed.
Thanks for all the feedback though! I agree with the revelation at the end, I was thinking of something more powerful.
Dear wonderful Cosmo,
I apologize for the misunderstanding.
You're wonderful. <3
You don't need to apologize! You didn't know
Thank you for the compliment :') I look back at that comment and I seem to be quite abrupt in the way that I said it, so sorry for that :S
You are also a wonderful reviewer <3