Where could I go and what could I do?
I remain still. Unmoving. Choosing not to be seen. So that I may watch them that pass me from my view. I stay undisturbed.
I watched those that went past me and flew after them, my wings thumping the air, though silent. Fluttering, I observed.
Their multitude and diversity astounded me. Simple enough for me to stop to sit. Unmoving. I wondered my existence.
They chose to go left. Chose to walk and continue. I took flight once more and watch the way they walk. So much opinion. Defining each and every person.
I flew to an extent above the clouds. These were natural, no opinion; just drifting. Why was I up here? A choice. To think. My thoughts reflecting the clouds.
I...I want to choose, but I don’t know what to choose. I want to be able to change, to be able to do what I want and not to be discriminated. I flew down and sat on my ledge.
I observed all those that past me. Their garments, faces, complexions, persona. One did not move, as I am. He remains still.
I flutter down. Rest on its shoulder. Its dirtied appearance glanced at me. His simplicity defined him, but also his difference.
The world busied itself whilst he sat here. Choosing to do nothing. Why does he sit here as I do on my ledge?
Its limb rose, offering perch. Comfort for him. Companion for me. I sat and enjoyed his company. Eyes stayed on one another and I did not leave.
I chose to stay. His choice makes no sense to me.
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139,657 Literary Works • 672,645 Reviews
Hello there!
Starleene Here!
I am ready to review your Opinionated humming bird! I would like to start off by saying that the title if very artistic and draws the readers in! It captured my eyes and made me want to read it!
“Where could I go and what could I do?”
I think that this sentence could be split into two sentences. If you take out “and” and replace it with a period it’ll add more impact.
“Choosing not be seen.”
There needs to be a “to” between not and be.
“So that I may watch them that pass me from my view.”
This is a strange sentence. This needs some serious reconsideration and revision because it’s very confusing to read.
“Their multitude and diversity astounded me. Simple enough for me to stop to sit. Unmoving. I wondered my existence.”
What do you mean simple? I don’t understand why you use the work simple here. Also, “wondered” probably isn’t the correct word to use here, I think a more proper word would be contemplated or considered.
“I took flight once more and watch the way they walk. So much opinion. Defining each and every person.”
Watch(ed) the way they walk. What opinion are you talking about? The opinion of the people he’s watching or the opinion of the humming bird its self?
“I flew to an extent above the clouds.”
Realistically, I don’t think hummingbirds can fly that high but if you’re going for un-realistic you definitely captured that.
“I want to be able to change, to be able to do what I want and not to be discriminated.”
I didn’t realize that hummingbirds were discriminated against. Maybe you can look into this and see if there are any other words that would fit into this space that wouldn’t destroy the integrity of the work?
“Rest on its shoulder.”
This is strange. The hummingbird obviously knows the difference between male and female so why does the hummingbird still refer to the humans as it?
“Its dirtied appearance glanced at me.”
Do you mean its dirty “face”? The hummingbird knows what a face is.
“The world busied itself, whilst he sat here.”
No comma before whilst.
“Comfort for him.”
How do we know that it’s comforting for the man? We don’t know what the man is feeling because the point of view is from the perspective of the hummingbird.
“Companion for me. I sat and enjoyed his company. Eyes stayed on one another and I did not leave.
I chose to stay. His choice makes no sense to me.”
This is a strange ending. I don’t know, I feel as if there should be more to the ending. A more in-depth analysis of what the hummingbird is feeling. Why did he choose to stay? Was it because of the man or was it just the fact that the man happened to be there when the bird decided to make his own choices?
Well anyways, I really liked that you told the perspective of a humming bird. That was interesting and you don’t see that very often. Unique. When using simple wording to emphasis the bird’s limited vocabulary, don’t compromise on variation. You can use simplistic synonyms and turn this piece around! Over all, great job! I look forward to reading more from you!
Good Luck! Happy writing!
Starleene out.
If you read my previous comments to the other reviews you can see why I made the behaviour of the Hummingbird different from all the others. The choice of language is selected carefully such as 'wondered' rather than considered of contemplated, its to help define the new species of Hummingbird that I created, you have to look at the title as if it were a new species. When you see at it that angle, you can see reasons to the behavioural acts, because if you notive this is in a town or city, not in the jungle.
I see that you have an incredible amount of question to the poem itself. I intended this to happen, because in my opinion 'Good literature creates debate." the questions are for you to decide the answer, not only does it make you part of the poem by deciding the answers to the questions and what the meanings are, but it might teach a lesson also.
And thanks for pointing out my grammical mistakes!
That is a lot of mention of watching going on in two very short paragraphs. Too much mention, really. Repetition can be a very effective and powerful tool, but there is a point where things become too repetitious, this piece suffers from too much repetition of the act of watching.
Spread the mentions of watching out more, so that they're not clumped together. The closer a mention is to a similar mention, the more repetitious it feels, until you reach a point where the repetition is redundant. Also, instead of stating "I watched" or some other variation, show your readers what the hummingbird is seeing; we'll know that the hummingbird is watching based on what it sees.
Hummingbirds are low-flying birds, and they rarely fly above the treetops. A hummingbird would actually die from the cold if it were to fly above the clouds.
Hummingbirds also spend most of their time flying, and they typically only perch when sleeping, nesting, or at a feeder. They are also very solitary and territorial birds, and so they don't usually approach other creatures.
Basically, I strongly recommend that you research hummingbird behavior because your hummingbird does not act at all like a hummingbird, which completely broke any suspension of disbelief I had with this story.
You switch between using "he" and "it" to refer to the person. Pick one and stick with it, because the switching is confusing.
Overall, the biggest issue with this is the hummingbird's behavior. It doesn't act like a hummingbird, and so I was left wondering why you chose a hummingbird in the first place. If you're going to be using an animal in your writing, it is always a very good idea to research the animal's behavior thoroughly so that it's realistic and makes sense, especially to readers who may be familiar with the animal's behavior.
I intended to taje the behaviour of a regular hummingbird astray. Because this is set in a town or city, not a village or hamlet because beggars don't tend to appear there. I know what the behaviour of a hummingbird is, I used to be very into birds so I did realise I would be taking a risk changing the behaviour, thats why I changed the location of the bird, so it's a city creature rather than a forest an jungle one.
But thanks for the review!!
Hello there! While I'm no good at critiquing themes, I liked this. All right if I point out some typos?
Choosing not to be seen, right?
This here is in the past tense while the previous paragraph is in present. Don't worry too much about it; just edit it so everything's in the same tense.
Pondered my existence? Wondered about it?
This is a cool piece. It's short, yeah, but it manages to convey its message. (Its theme? I'm terrible with theme...)
Typo on the first. I can change the tense, and the last quote is supposed to sound like that. I think it gives a persona to the hummingbirds way of thinking. But thanks for the review!