Young Writers Society

You can never have too many reviews right? Hehe. Well, I'm going to review this! I won't make it too long I promise.

First Stanza

I really like your opening line. I thought that it was nice to read and I had a great ring to it! Awesome job on it. Though I did not like the imagery of the rabbits, mainly because I didn't see the connection it had with a pond, even the "pond" that really means the large body of water and not an actual pond. So, I'd suggest maybe using a different imagery for that one. Maybe instead of rabbits you could use a general term like 'critters' or one like 'frogs' although they aren't so pleasant, maybe 'fishes' or if originality was what you were going for then maybe you could have just named a specific unknown pond fish, that's always fun. XP

Second Stanza

Aww. I thought that while that was simple it was sweet. And I liked the sweetness of it. That said, I felt it lacked some passion some spirit. Maybe if it had been more described then it would have been more connecting with the reader. That said it was cute, and I can see the basis of the poem.

Third Stanza

I liked this stanza, it's equally cute and very special that they made bracelets to remember each other, but more than that, to stay close to each other, so I liked that. But this one line:

I smile, as you sit alike on my heart.

Haha, I just finished a review on another poem of yours, and here I am again.

So, not as much word play here, but still a lot of good to work with. I love, for example, the image of the caged rabbits on either side of the pond. It brings out that tone of separation and frustration really well, as well as defining a physical setting for the narrative.

Not such a big fan of the second stanza:

My love sits on your wrist, fragile in form.
Physically, a menial gift, paper torn from a book,
but so carefully made, for you, for meaning:
Holding our separation together.

Hello friend,
Nice attempt , I must say, send it to your girlfriend and she will love it and better connect to it.
However, it comes equally pleasings to us and thumbs up for a good shot.
Now let us have a review,
the first stanza:
'We sit face to face, thousands of miles apart,
our voices are heard, though we are not together.
Our feelings left us snared like rabbits, either side of The Pond.
Time holds us at our marks, as we wait for the sands to fall.'
This says your heart out as you are not together and living in different places yet connected by heart and the expression 'either side of The Pond', says it best.
'My love sits on your wrist, fragile in form.
Physically, a menial gift, paper torn from a book,
but so carefully made, for you, for meaning:
Holding our separation together.'
This is beautifulas you bring out your feeling is a heart felt way, this definitely leaves a mark on the reader , here the expression that wins out is 'Holding our separation together'.
This means alot.....
the next part
'I wear the same symbol of separation,
hearts upon my wrist, made by hand.
I wake with imprints pressed on my skin,
I smile, as you sit alike on my heart.'
this shows the feeling is mutual on both sides and expresses love in a new way.
Lats but not the least
I watch for the hands to move,
smiling the seconds away.
We listen to the chimes of time,
and dance the relationship gauntlet.
A nice way to end it up, all in all depicting your feelings in a good or precisely in a romantic way.
The poem went good but use of punctuations at certain places and good metaphors could enhgance the meaning of your words.
I would also suggest , try coming with a rhyming poem, it gicves a great feel, just a suggestion as thgis oone;s really good.
nice attempt,
Bye for now and keep writing, yo never know ypou may make wonders

This was really nice, considering that you had written this for someone special! I loved the way you explained everything in detail. This made the poem very interesting to read. Now let's start with the first stanza:

'We sit face to face, thousands of miles apart,
our voices are heard, though we are not together.
Our feelings left us snared like rabbits, either side of The Pond.
Time holds us at our marks, as we wait for the sands to fall.'

The first line was amazing and drew the attention of the readers which is very important. Also, this is a very ironic line as it states two possibilities not seeming to be possible at the same time. Nice! The same goes for the second line. The third line was another beautiful one where you used simile, adding to the effect. The last line was metaphorical which was very beautiful!

'My love sits on your wrist, fragile in form.
Physically, a menial gift, paper torn from a book,
but so carefully made, for you, for meaning:
Holding our separation together.'

I liked that you didn't directly point out what was it that you were referring to in the first line. I think instead of the word 'carefully', you could have used 'lovingly'. But maybe you are trying to signify something else by that word. I totally loved the last line of this stanza. You connected things very well!!

'I wear the same symbol of separation,
hearts upon my wrist, made by hand.
I wake with imprints pressed on my skin,
I smile, as you sit alike on my heart.'

This stanza is like repetition but yet doesn't seem one. It actually states your condition which sounds very nice. I liked the idea of you saying that the bracelet left it's imprints in you.

'I watch for the hands to move,
smiling the seconds away.
We listen to the chimes of time,
and dance the relationship gauntlet.'

Another beautiful stanza! But i would like to clarified about the 'hands' you are talking about in the first line. I am a little confused regarding that.

Overall your poem was a pleasure to read!! Lovely work. As you can see, there were very less flaws.

Keep writing!

Cheers,

Shiksha!!

hey Cosmo,
this is vidhya. happy to review your work
it is a really good piece of writing. nice romantic work. congratulations !
but few things are unclear.

first of all the first paragraph is so detached and it doesn't blend with the flow until we get to the third paragraph.

"I wake with imprints pressed on my skin,
I smile, as you sit alike on my heart"

second, don't make paper torn from "a" book.
what is that "a"? what is in that book that makes it a token of love to mean "holding our separation.

third, "i wear the same symbol of separation."
what is the resemblance of it with the book?
you need to be a bit more deep.

coming to my likes,
"My love sits on your wrist, fragile in form."
this line is beautiful. it is very romantic.

"smiling the seconds away" gives a wonderful feel.
its good..! it really gives the feel of separation, the pain and beauty of it.
really nice piece of writing.
i don't like poetry. but i really liked this one. , good luck for all your works. keep going.

Hey there Kat here to review for ya

Wow, can I just say this wa super romantic ! Though... I found it to be e little confusing and I am not sure I totally understand what is going on here? Maybe adding some different words in some places and taking away some in other places might help clear up the message you are trying to get across? You are also missing an "on" in the third line of the first stanza but I'm sure that was a typo or you just deemed it not necessary since it really isn't but I personally feel that it belongs there, maybe that's just me.

I really liked where you were going with this and how you compared you two to rabbits in the begginning. I look foward to reading more of your work and keep it up

~Speakerskat