Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language.
It’s Monday, November 3rd, 2025, 1:30 PM.
I walked down the hallway. It’s time for related arts.
I walk into reading class. The class everyone is forced to take unless they have gym or are in chorus or band.
I walk to my little desk in the back of the room. I have the opinion to sit at an actual table but I don’t like any of these kids enough to sit with them for an hour and neither do they.
I place my binder on the floor because it’s too chunky to fit in the desks, I place my iPad on the left side of the desk like I always do, I place my water bottle on the desk next to my iPad, I pull back my chair then I see it.
A small pile of sand…
I touched it to make sure it wasn’t cocaine that was suspiciously tan but thankfully it wasn’t cocaine.
I was still absolutely bewildered. We don’t even live somewhere where you can just go down the road and get sand, you literally have to go to a hardware store to even get sand since we live in a landlocked state for fucks sake!
I leave the classroom into the hallway where the reading teacher and Spanish teacher are chatting.
I ask the reading teacher if I can steal her trash can to get the sand off my desk.
She is as bewildered as I am and so is the Spanish teacher. She allows me to steal the trash can.
I proceed to wipe the sand off my desk and I can think of is “WHO THE HELL BRINGS SAND TO SCHOOL???”
After I got it wiped off and the trash can returned I sat down and wrote this on my school iPad. I plan to post it on my phone when I get home.
True story…
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Canary word: Present
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125,021 Literary Works • 672,739 Reviews
Hello @CorruptedData167 Detective Ira here, I have apparently stumbled upon your manuscript while searching for clues in the Devil’s Library, which is where I believe the ancient magical book of Toramu is hidden. Since I’m already here, I shall give my opinion on this piece of yours.
Though I have to say it is very strange that I should find your writing here……. hmmm…..
What I can see
Well this was certainly an interesting read! I am curious to know if you intentionally put this under prose poetry or was that a mistake? This seems like a little slice of life and I feel like it might be a good into or a prologue for a mystery story maybe. You've certainly left a lot of room to work in.
I like your use of short, sharp sentences, I think that it builds the suspense very well.
This bit here
certainly give a bit of a shock lol the fact that the author's automatic assumption was cocaine really gave me a bit of a jolt o.O This may have been the highlight of your piece XD
Under the magnifying glass
I have to say though, I was left feeling rather confused with how this work ended. While I understand that slice of life works don't necessarily need to have a plot I feel like this work is lacking direction. Maybe you can try developing this further a little more. Don't be afraid to branch out and try new things and ideas.
Maybe while cleaning the sand protagonist finds a little chit hidden in it with a cryptic message - the story can end there. You don't need to give it a full fledged plot, just a little nudge, a more definite end.
Over here,
I think you mean option instead of opinion.
I noticed you have a tendency to use I's a lot, which is a perfectly natural tendency but if you be a little mindful you can help reduce it and modify it so that it isn't as noticeable to a reader. For example,
This can be instead made,
With a little bit of mindfulness and editing you will start noticing these things. I would recommend giving your work a read through a couple days after you've written it. That really helps these little things pop.
Closing the case
Overall this was an intriguing little piece. I look forward to reading more of your writing!
It was lovely going through this manuscript of yours. Everything expressed was my opinion, feel free to accept or reject whatever you want.
If you have any clues relating to the book of Toramu or anything you want to clarify feel free to contact my
alias, ahem, my dear friend @canopy.Until next time!!
—Hercule Poirot, “The Murdertime Murders,” by Agatha Christie
Hmmm curious why this is under poetry.
I also wonder what exactly the difference between a table and a desk is in this case. Table is when ppl share it? Desks are smaller?
The narrative definitely feels kinda surreal. Maybe this is why it’s under poetry? Like, the MC enters a classroom that seems empty, sits down and, seeing sand, just leaves without meeting or talking to anyone. And then bam, we have teachers that are understanding. (Incidentally, why is there no trashcan in the classroom itself?)
Huch real story? I didn’t expect that. Seems like you lead a surreal life to my German eyes =D
Ah in that case, there are a few repetitions here that would smooth out the writing if you change the wording. Like f.e. this:
You have a lot of “place” in here and just when you’re abt to create a rhythm that I might not like but would work, you destroy it with “pull”.
Did you ever find out how the sand got there?
I would assume someone was eating it
Fair =D
Honestly this is not a bad story. I don't get the meaning of it as of yet, but it sounds really good.
I ask the reading teacher if I can steal her trash can to get the sand off my desk.
She is as bewildered as I am and so is the Spanish teacher. She allows me to steal the trash can.
I admit this part was kind of funny.
It was a true story