Young Writers Society

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

Anyway let's get right to it,

The air inside the old manor was heavy with tension as the older 4 children sat obediently, staring after their grandfather as he led the guest up to the nursery on the second floor. This guest, Ms. Pricilla Travis, looked back at them only to quickly look back ahead. Such looks from the eyes of children could kill the soul. The nursery was a quaint little room. The afternoon light filtered through the gauze curtains that covered the window by which a rocking chair sat. On each side of the room sat a crib, and inside of each, peering through the bars at the world beyond, was a little baby.

“Well, here are the youngest of the bunch. Perhaps they may be more to your liking?” said the grandfather of the children. Pricilla gave a small nod and looked carefully from one crib to the other. From each, a set of curious dark eyes stared up at her.

Okayy, we've got ourselves some very questionable stuff going on here. I don't believe I've seen something quite of this nature before, just someone admiring a lot of babies, and while its on hand somewhat cute and I feel like there could be something wholesome happening, there is the unshakeable feeling that something horrible is about to happen to one of these babies, and this lady is just stalking around trying to pick one to do horrible things to.

“Twins, are they? What are their names?” she asked as she surveyed each child thoughtfully.

“Indeed, they’re twins. The one over there,” he said pointing to the crib to the left of the window, “is Anthony. And the other is Caleb.” The grandfather replied.

“Caleb….What a nice name,” she murmured to herself. “They both seem quite nice,” casting a glance at the boys’ grandfather; she picked the babe called Caleb up into her arms.

“They’ll be fine young lads someday. Just don’t have the room for ‘em around here anymore. Its trouble enough keepin’ up with the older ones without these little ones to fuss with,” Mr. Thorne watched as his guest, still holding the one babe in her arms, peered into the crib of the other. “You certain you can only take one? They’re both wee little things. Why not take the two?” Pricilla looked from the two infants to the old man and back; pondering.

Alright, it seems maybe the more wholesome option is going and this is something more along the lines of an adoption rather than anything else. Its a bit hard to fully fathom what's going on there from the clues we're getting because they just so happen to be pretty ambiguous but the feeling that something will go horribly wrong is a bit less in this part. The way the babies are being talked of like bags of flour though is a bit concerning.

“Quite certain,” she assured, “I’m hardly sure I’m aware of what I’m getting myself into with one,” This last part was more to herself than Mr. Thorne. “May I take a day to think it over?”

“I don’t see why not. Take all the time you need ma’am.”

“Thank you,” She placed Caleb back in his own crib and quickly left the nursery. Promising to return within the week she left the house, her mind no closer to being made up than when she first arrived.

HMm, well that does seem to confirm that potential adoption theory that I was considering at the moment. It certainly is a far cry from what I initially imagined with potential horror being a thing. I think perhaps you need to look into your wording a bit so that that doesn't happen in the readers, cause as much as it catches your attention, I don't think that's the message you want here. At any rate, overall, an intriguing little scene here.

Aaaaand that's it for this one.

As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Harry

Hello.

The first thing I noticed was the first paragraph. It's a bit choppy, and I'm not sure what exactly is going on. You start off with the children watching a guest go up the stairs, then mention the nursery. Because of their age, it's very easy to picture them still being in the nursery. Give a bit more description of the downstairs so we know exactly where they are.

Secondly, grammar. You have a few slip-ups.

“is Anthony. And the other is Caleb.” The grandfather replied.

There should be a comma at the end of this, with a lowercase letter for "the." However, since you've already established the grandfather is speaking (with the pause to show him gesturing to the children) I would cut "the grandfather replied" completely. It's not needed.

“They both seem quite nice,” casting a glance at the boys’ grandfather; she picked the babe called Caleb up into her arms.

The dialogue here should end with a period, because the tag isn't a "said tag" (like, she said, he whispered, they yelled). Instead, it has the woman doing an action. Also, the semicolon is misplaced. It should be a comma. This article goes into the uses of commas and semicolons in more depth.

“They’ll be fine young lads someday. Just don’t have the room for ‘em around here anymore. Its trouble enough keepin’ up with the older ones without these little ones to fuss with,” Mr. Thorne watched as his guest, still holding the one babe in her arms, peered into the crib of the other.

Period instead of a comma here.

You have a few other grammar mistakes here, again with semicolons and dialogue punctuation, so I'm going to stop here. This article goes into more depth for dialogue punctuation.

As for this as a beginning, I find there's no real reason to keep reading. No hook to grab a reader and make them wonder what happens next. You have some mystery with wondering if she'll take both children, but this wasn't really enough of a teaser to make me want to keep going. This article goes into more detail on beginnings.

Hope this helps. PM me if you have any questions.

~Rosey

Hey, CorrineIone!

This is really short (and I'm not sure what a teaser blurb is supposed to be), so I'll just hit the highlights of style/characterization that you can carry over later.

1. Avoid clichés. I know, I know, everyone tells you this--but when you revise, really look for those descriptors that you know you've seen before. Examples?

heavy with tension

ooks from the eyes of children could kill the soul

quaint little room

peering through the bars at the world beyond

curious dark eyes

Switch these around--use new words, change them around, anything so that these descriptors sound new and novel. Otherwise, you risk losing your readers' interest, because they can predict what you're going to say.

2. Explain your characters. It's unlikely that a poor young woman would take on a baby (especially unmarried), so if any of these things are factors, or intriguing about the woman, we should know these things. That will make the story a little more interesting, because you leave so many questions unanswered.

3. Back to clichés---please, please, please, at all costs, avoid twin clichés. I know you just started the story--and I trust you--but I know how tempting it is to throw in some thought-reading and matching clothing. Equally predictable as stylistic clichés. Make the story interesting; make it totally original.


Thanks for the read! Let me know if you have any questions or want me to read something else.