Myrrh on the icon of the Earth, stretch of sand
glazed with goldblind, that opens to infinity
croshing down on stars with its limpid oases of crystal
and the air drapped in his mantle of fire and dust,
which scatter the scorched grass from the heat
and the red hills where, at the bottom,
camels weave throbbing elusive,
like chimeras frozen in an echo.
The desert is neither earth nor sky,
but the golden shadow of a corner of heaven,
and what's the use of the desert
when so much desert is dissolved in people?
@Corina Junghiatu
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
Hello Corina! Ethan here for a review, brought to you by the gloriously earthy Team Raw Umber.
I loved the poem, you have a wonderful style. Great word choice, very descriptive, and it flowed very well through most of the piece. As Delirium pointed out, you had a few typos, though "oases" is actually the correct plural of "oasis", so don't change that. I also noticed the line "but the golden shadow of a corner of heaven,"(which is one of my favorite lines, by the way) flowed a little clunkily with the two "of"s in there. Maybe try playing around with it?
But all in all, a terrific poem. It was really very well written, so keep up the good work!
--Ethan, captain of Team Raw Umber
Hi! Delirium Nervosa here to do a review for you.
I picked up a couple of things while reading your poem. First of all, "croshing" should be 'crashing', "oases" should be "oasis" and "drapped" should be "draped". I also feel like you have too many commas and have created one huge sentence. Below I have copied your poem and added my edits in brackets.
Myrrh on the icon of the Earth, stretch of sand- (here I believe should be a full stop)
(capital) glazed with goldblind, that opens to infinity
croshing down on stars with its limpid oases of crystal- (here could be a full stop)
(I believe you could re-write this section a little- The air, draped in his mantle of fire and dust, hides the grass scorched brown and hills as red as blood. Fire and dust hide the camels who weave their way elusively, like chimeras frozen in an echo.)
and the air drapped in his mantle of fire and dust,
which scatter the scorched grass from the heat
and the red hills where, at the bottom,
camels weave throbbing elusive,
like chimeras frozen in an echo.
The desert is neither earth nor sky,
but the golden shadow of a corner of heaven, (full stop here)
and what's the use of the desert (capital A)
when so much desert is dissolved in people?
I hope this wasn't too hard to follow and that it helps you in your future writing endeavours!
-Delirium Nervosa