NEW EDITED VERSION
Critiques have been taken into account. Here is the final work. If you notice anything I missed let me know.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ever since Willa was born she knew it was her fate to die.
Willa sat on the hard packed dirt near the crystal lake. Fae would be here soon. She passed the next few moments hopping from one moss covered stone to the next. Misjudging the distance, she let her foot slip and watched as sharp rocks rushed up toward her. She would have fallen had Fae not been there to catch her hand.
"It's not time to die yet." she said calmly.
Willa smiled, unable to speak past the lump in her throat.
They sat silently at the water's edge for some time. Willa waited patiently for Fae to begin telling her more about her death. She could remember when she was just young enough to understand words, and surely even before that, Fae had been there telling her about her inescapable fate. She had visited again and again never letting her forget.
Willa sat quietly as Fae told her of a boy that would mark her death. She was silent again for a while longer, then turned to Willa with a concerned look. "Remember, someone has to die."
Willa looked toward her camp in surprise when the warning bell sounded. She turned back to Fae as she got up, but her friend had already vanished.
Willa ran toward her camp and found in the common area a strange boy.
The next morning Willa heard through others in the camp that the boy was a seer. The earth was calling for a sacrifice, and the boy would decide who it would be. But she already knew it would be her.
Night came and the moon was full, hanging brightly over the druid camp. When it came time and the boy picked her from the crowd she calmly stepped forward. She knelt down on the sacrificial stone and closed her eyes, blocking out the fire lit crowd. Shocked gasps echoed through the mass of people. Willa looked up to see Fae calmly stab the boy through the heart. With his face frozen in pain he fell down next to her and his blood poured over the stone.
Fae took hold of Willa and they vanished into the air.
That day Willa learned that sometimes, Fate could lie.
"No Willa, I told you someone had to die."
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
I love the concept and the scene youve portrayed here.
I do have the feeling like some detail is missing, even if its just Willa getting up from the dirt and what the sky was doing. A brief detail such as the colour of her hair can make us feel closer to being in the scene and there in the moment, which is what your audience should be doing.
I'd love to see more of this story at any rate, Fae seems a very intresting character to me. ^_^
thank you!
I know what you mean when I originally wrote out the story it was about 2000 words. I have a 400 word limit so I had to cut a lot in order to tell the whole story. I guess I should have left up the note saying there was a word limit. I definitely think I will make another longer version after the contest is over.
< 3 Fantastic! I absolutely love it! :3 It's so wonderful and well thought out you did an amazing job writing it. I think it's great for a story ^.^ I'd love to read it in more detail! Your very talented, I couldn't of thought up such an amazing story as this. It's just to imaginative which is splendid! Keep writing! I'll be following you from this point on.
thank you very much
Willa is a very pretty name.
The way you write is incredibly simplistic: 'Willa looked up to see Fae stab the boy through the heart. He fell down next to her and his blood pored over the stone.' And I think it could do with a bit of editing to spice things up a bit and make it seem more enticing for the reader.
There is a true lack of description here.
I can't imagine what the characters look like or establish the setting very well...
Just in need of more detail, which can be difficult if you've got a word limit.
But with a bit of editing, you've got a great story here.
Thank you ^_^
With this having such a small word limit I figured I should work on their background more than their looks. It's important that Fae has been around since Willa was a baby, it shows what kind of bond they have, but not so important to know that I pictured Willa with long wavy hair. It is not important what the lake looks like. It is a lake. She lives in a druid camp so she probably dresses like those around the time of Cesar. And she's probably a bit dirty. But you don't need to know those things to know that Fate lied and then killed a strange boy in order to save Willa who she has been friends with since Willa was young.
This is a really interesting story, and even though with a word limit, you have written a truly wonderful story here. I have to say, I was in no way expecting that ending which is always a good thing. This story drew me in with the first line, and managed to continue to propel me forward as the story progresses. Which is a pretty rare thing for me, as I do not usually read short stories.
There are no grammatical nitpicks that haven't been picked out, so I can only tell you how past-paced this plot was, the characters were explored in depth and had a voice to them that made the, very realistic. Your descriptions were also maintained on a good level, not too much and not to little. Just enough to let the readers know what is going on.
Great story, well done!
-S.s
It's a real shame that you had to work to a word limit (they suck, I know), because I want to know more! For a first draft, it's very good, and only had some minor problems, which I'll get to later.
Really good plot - I loved the title and the pacing was excellent, even though this was pretty short. I love the whole premise, and the characters manage to have a considerable amount of depth consireing the reader didn't get much of a chance to get to know them. The voice was good, and it shows that you can write very well.
Some nitpicks that Lucrezia hasn't already picked out:
'Saw' probably isn't the right verb to use here. 'Watched' might work better in this sentence.
This doesn't quite sound right. I'm thinking that you might need to seriously reword it to something like '...speak because of the sensation of her heart being in her throat' or something along those lines.
This should be water's edge.
This sentence is okay, but could do with some commas, and might be made clearer by rewording to something like 'She had visited again and again, never letting Willaforget. She was sure Fae had been there when Willa was just a baby whispering in her ear.' The repetion of 'she' didn't quite work.
Aside from that, this piece is really good, and with a bit of editing could be totally amazing. Really, really well done. I liked this a lot.
Hi there! Lucrezia here for a review.
Wow, this is a really cool piece. The premise is quite interesting, and the story immediately caught my attention as soon as I started reading.
It was short (as you noted), to the point and with just enough detail to convey your intended message. That ending caught me by surprise, which was awesome. And the character of the mysterious Fae and her warnings about death kept me intrigued the whole time.
I really, really like this, in short.
Some nitpicks:
You forgot the punctuation (period mark) at the end of "calmly."
"Fate" is a teensy bit repetitive here.
"Poured," not "pored."
Other than that, this was a great read and very clever. Awesome title by the way. And I love that last line:
Perfect way to end it.
Great work and keep writing!