Gracious Gifts

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm Knight Hardy here on a mission to ensure that all works on YWS has at least two reviews. You will probably never see this but....Imma do this anyway.

First Impression: So this one was pretty interesting. There was definitely a lot of stuff going on in this one and you've done a pretty amazing job with how you've set up this very mysterious and also rather dark setting for this novel to take place. I'm definitely very much invested in finding out what is going on here.

Anyway let's get right to it,

Sunrise.

When that reaction rose from the sea, crushing the late moments of the dark, and sending the peasants out – initiating a command to leave whatever wreckage they dwelled inside. The slums, the term was. Awful, putrid. Metallic streets glazed with ugly clots of stains and debris, an economic scar, hidden away from the government’s acceptance.

Well that's not I guess the most appealing start to a novel but it definitely does really catch your attention with that very visceral sort of imagery and just the sharp contrasting description to a sunrise. Really well done there.

They patrolled the streets, the dreary eyes boring into marble. The metal armour forming halos around the skulls, creating stars in a box. The hot, seeping, pores illuminating dazzled, neon gleams. The musty killers, nestled beneath the belt, murky moulds fixed together, cracked (were some), standing in line. Waiting for target, aim, and puncture – compiled with the bitter greeting of death.

Wow that sounds like a really interesting group that you've got going there. Definitely some pretty scary sounding creatures and you've done a wonderful job bringing it all to life here.

Words rung in their minds, the same control directing their limbs downwards. The scurries of the children behind amphorae, evasive as they were, they could not avoid going to close; letting a swipe kill, leaving the heads to turn. The mothers, desperate, wrapped them in their arms and hurried them to their homes, before they drew to close. The unfortunate ones let the clay drop from their eyes. Tinted bleaks; puddles of sorrow weeping into a permanent cesspit; cooled with the horrific stare, wanting them to flee but they remained. They wept. They wept. They bled. They bled.

Oh wow you are not holding back with this one. This is some really well done stuff here. I am getting really intrigued by what this story might be about. Great Job so far with establishing the setting.

Praetorians were monsters, killing with no grace, no regret, no feeling. They took no pride, no remorse; the job was to be done. No complaint, no satisfaction. Always walking, fists clenched, iron ready. The simplistic orders carried out with precision, expertise, reliability. Brutal security to a dead country, always wanted, never seen. Houses, strewn along the road, not inspected. Fatality, the mistake.

Well you are painting quite the picture here. Definitely sounds like a very bad place to be living in that's for sur.

Sitting at a table, they would look beneath the dusted parlours and bring forth the scrolls. Displaying old memories, plans, tactics, in a desperate last motive; find the key, find the key. It was buried among the pretentious, the ignorant, the failures. It was golden, gold melded with brass and copper. Dusty.

“Then so it shall be, he will dine with the dead,” the confident screeched.

How subtle. How subtle. How stupid. How stupid.

And what an ending that is...definitely some very intriguing directions that this prologue has gone in. I will verily attempt to track this down and read on to see what happens in the actual story. This is the quite the world that you've built up here.

Aaaaand that's it for this one.

Overall: Overall this was a pretty cool little story and I would definitely like to read more to really try and found out about this world. It leaves us with so many questions and that is perfect for a prologue. Great Job!

As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Harry

Hey Core, welcome to YWS! Call me Stella- or any variation thereof, and I shall review you today!

Uh, usually, people post their novels/longer stories in lots of different posts- that way you'll get more reviews etc... Just telling you!

Lots of uh... weird themes going on here... not that I have anything against any of them just, uh... not what I'm used to (I'm one of those girls that write happy-go-lucky fairytales with some Greek mythology thrown in. Hi *waves*)

So, now, your critique!

I. NITPICKS

When that reaction rose from the sea, crushing the late moments of the dark, and sending the peasants out – initiating a command to leave whatever wreckage they dwelled inside.

When that what? You've started a sentence and never put in your main clause. Get rid of the "When" or rephrase...

They patrolled the streets, the dreary eyes boring into marble. The metal armour forming halos around the skulls, creating stars in a box. The hot, seeping, pores illuminating dazzled, neon gleams. The musty killers, nestled beneath the belt, murky moulds fixed together, cracked (were some), standing in line. Waiting for target, aim, and puncture – compiled with the bitter greeting of death.

going to close;

too, not to.

They wept. They wept. They bled. They bled.

This just sounds... weird...

Okay...

II. SENTENCE STRUCTURE

I have no doubt that you possess the ability to structure sentences properly. But you seem to have abandoned it here. I pointed it out in the first paragraph, but there are several repetitions. I know that sometimes, it's easy to think that fragmenting sentences will give them a poetic, profound edge. It's tempting but, in the long run, it's just plain confusing. When you describe what people do with a "ing" and use "theys" a lot, it gets confusing, and your reader (ie. me and those that will follow) have trouble following you. Ultimately, they'll stop reading. So yes, it's tempting, but try not to give in. Remember that your reader has to read it, not just you, and you're not giving us as clear a picture as you're giving yourself.

Long story short: join up your sentences, some of them at least. Rephrase them so that there aren't just so many fragments. One or two is fine, but you have a lot of them...

II. PURPLENESS

Now, I have no problem with the colour purple (unlike some people who think the crime of wearing purple should be punishable by death...)- I'm an Instructor, aren't I? But purple prose is... it's complicated and frustrating.

Sometimes, you find a really pretty word, and you think "Oh! Let's put this in my story!" So you take out a nice, simple word and replace it. And it's grand, most of the time. It's when we use these words too much that your prose begins to get a violet tinge.

Have a look through, and in places where you've used fancy verbs, with adjectives and adverbs added on, simplify them a bit. It makes for easier reading.

III. OVERALL

Look, I know you probably now think I'm an idiot who needs everything dumbed down for her. I'm not- but I do think this could use some dumbing down. If I concentrated on it like it was a text for an exam, I would probably understand it more. But when I'm reading for pleasure, sure, it requires concentration, and a lot of books do to follow the story, but to follow the prose itself? It's not what people read for. Which is why I'm advising you to just have a look through and make it a bit easier.

That said, there is certainly no doubt of your writing abilities!

BTW- is this set in Ancient Rome (hence the praetors?) Possibly not, I just wondered...

Hope I helped, and feel free to drop me a note if you need anything!

-Stella.