Burn,
although a constant chain of cycle and circle
it would never cease to amaze. The finite
details that spread into
a dawned history; seething more than the
greatest of all scorn. Hoping to break
one twitch from the other, spawn one
niche. Watch
a broken bird fly through the
sea and swim through skies -
ever one or two.
Stop,
and wait for the crushing blow that happens
when all of it disappears into me, and
absorb the colourful,
floating, dreams wash into the liver. Catalysing a
delirium more metallic than the alternate;
with all the softness, scarring the light and
take an eyeful -
christening a new birth of fluctuation and
disintegration, corroding the golden
cobalt into a carbonic nightmare. All
dying of a simple violence.
And,
malfunction the dreaded cutlass of life,
in sweet miasma sickening the umbras
wishing to obliterate,
with its own bi-polar struggling to co-operate
with the sensuous heat as it dripped into
a pool - of duality. Rippling the senses
and hurting the cortex.
Icicles, dropping into a warmth of
digression and inhumane porcelain dripping
alongside the hair and the cavities of
kinetic thought.
Die.
* * *
Not sure what to think of this yet, I'm looking for help with rhythm rather than the subject and such. But, all manner of critiques are welcome.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,855 Reviews
First off, nice job. I liked it. I agree though, the rhythm is completely off. Punctuation, punctuation, punctuation
! Also, try breaking up the lines differently. Rewrite it a couple of times, that's what I do. I normally decide on some type of particular pattern when I write poetry. Uh... I don't see much of a pattern!
OK, normally, I tell everyone not to start a line with 'and' or 'but'. You started a whole entire stanza/ paragraph with it!
[spoiler]6/10... work on the structure, pattern, and punctuation, and I will give you a 10/10![/spoiler]
Good job.
Okay, thanks.
This is going to sound rather...retorting, if you like but if you mean to add capitals at the start of every line, you don't do that...it's only after the use of a full stop...So, can you explain what you mean by that?
And...could you point out specific places?
Hm...I will not be commenting on the subject matter even though I will say I did enjoy reading this.
However, I understand what you mean by the fact you are asking for some help with the rhythm because it is totally off. My only advise here is grammar...please, please, please punctuation! Many people think; I am going to be abstract and surreal, no capitals needed whenever I don't want them and who cares about periods, apostrophes, commas, etc. I see you used some of these things, but not nearly enough. Yes, using the FULL on abstract/surreal concept is good in some cases, but definitely not that many and no offense not this one. The surreal can be reached through words, not structure.
I think this poem could be ten times better than it already is by just fooling around a little bit and adding some commas here, capitalization and etc.