To you I am just a shell of the person I am, my dear.
My laugh distant like the ocean waves you hear when you press me to your ear.
It sounds near. It sounds sincere. you’ll never see me shed a tear.
When I fall down I break my bones, skin left untouched.
By you I want to be clutched.
Embraced by your blanket of waves, melancholy crushed.
My skin, swollen by the foam, where I banish it and let it lurk.
No longer suffocating my heart with murk.
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140,840 Literary Works • 673,694 Reviews
Hi, hikarihateke here with a review!
Firstly this was just amazing!
this poem took me from my house, sent me to the beach and replaced my pj's with a float white dress and a sun hat ya know?
{ To you I am just a shell of the person I am, my dear }
This sounds like someone who hides inside themselves
{My laugh distant like the ocean waves you hear when you press me to your ear}
This further that line of thinking for me the laughter distant, perhaps because the person is not all there or is faking?
{It sounds near. It sounds sincere. you’ll never see me shed a tear.}
The person they are talking about seems nice but it sounds like they know that some people have a second skin and thus refuses to let their walls down
Oh but then the next few lines feel like the person slowly coming out of their shell (no pun intended)
{When I fall down I break my bones, skin left untouched.
By you I want to be clutched.
Embraced by your blanket of waves, melancholy crushed.
My skin, swollen by the foam, where I banish it and let it lurk.}
seems as if they've slowly come to trust the person they are talking to.
{No longer suffocating my heart with murk.}
And here the person feels like a wight has been lifted off them because the other has proven That they can be trusted with a heart or specifically the MC's heart.
(At least this is how I've interrupted the poem)
Overall its great and I really enjoyed reading it!
Heya, Ruby here with a quick review! I usually split them into three different parts: overview based on structure and base language, deeper meanings and inferences from particular sentences as well as phrases and a conclusion formed from the 2 paragraphs prior.
Overview: I liked it. I loved the shorter structure as it gave more definition to the small parts of the poem. Some parts were a little confusing - I must say - but when crumbling it down more its easier to pick up. Bear in mind some readers simply read for the sake of it, us reviewers are some of the few that will properly break it down. But I am one of the reviewers and this review is how I see it, so let's delve deeper into my interpretations.
Oooh, so this is different. I am probably wrong in saying so, but I get the idea of a very introverted person. Only seeing the 'shell' of someone could easily show the understanding of consequences and effects, and not the emotions of the person. So maybe this could relate to the writer not speaking about their feelings, even to their lover. This could also be hinting at the fact of holding on: for example, shells are very important to animals that have them as they need to keep covered, like a blanket almost. Just as you do your invisible happy mask at times. Shells are fragile too, one wrong move and it breaks. One wrong saying could break someone's shell and cause them to really break further inside.
I get the idea of safety here; so many people feel secure by the ocean/beach ect. Someone can be an replica of 'safety' and laughs seem to draw you in or cause you to feel that security in your life. Distant could be speaking about something moving away or vanishing for a while. Just as the shore comes in and out, your happiness can as well. The laughs becoming distant could really be telling us about the noticeable disappearance of someone's enjoyment at times. You know?
I like these lines, a lot. It gives the impression of the "I'm fine" mindset; you act all hard and happy until the Armour suddenly falls down revealing your true feelings. The character's lover has probably noticed the first slip. They both want them to help the main person, but they are too frightened to ask for help. Or atleast that's how I see it.
Conclusion: In a nut shell, this was a little confusing, however I was able to interpret the language and picture everything happening,
Have a good day/evening!
Rubes x
Thank you so much Ruby! I appreciate how deeply you dove into reading my poem<3 you lit up my day!!
Hey there! I see you're already getting down to business and posting your own works. Good for you! So I'll give a few comments on this poem.
I really like the main thought you have going on here. You've conveyed the idea of a person who cares a lot about someone but doesn't have the feelings returned to the same degree. In consistent keeping with your title and the main concept of a "shell," it is very fitting that you incorporated the words, "like the ocean waves you hear when you press me to your ear." You've kept this consistency throughout the poem with the whole ocean/shell idea.
The only thing that seems a little out of place is the line, "When I fall down I break my bones, skin left untouched." It's a fine sentence, but to me the imagery doesn't fit with the ocean/shell picture. If you think about it, falling down and breaking bones doesn't usually happen at the beach.... But like I said, it's still a fine sentence. I'd just think about possibly rewording it to fit the analogy better.
Your second line is probably the one I like best for the imagery and keeping with the analogy. However, it sticks out a little for being almost too long, if that makes sense?? My suggestion would be to break it up into two lines. You still have the same words, but that one line won't feel like it runs on so long. So it would end up like this:
"My laugh distant like the ocean waves you hear
When you press me to your ear."
I also think this would help to strategically place the rhyme to bring it out more.
Well, I don't want to overwhelm you as a new YWS member by leaving too long and complicated of a review, but I do have some other ideas for reworking some of the lines and word placement to give it a smoother flow, so if you're interested, let me know by commenting or DM. However, your poem is still good, so you can totally feel free to leave it the way it is, too!
Good work, and thanks for sharing!
Thank you so much it means a lot! I'll keep your suggestions in mind, they are really helpful
Ps. The bones are a metaphor for what is under the mask (the skin) I really get how that does not fit in this poem. It looks like it could fit in another.
Hi! Book_Dragon here with a quick review!
Wow! This is an amazing poem and you are off to a great start. I love the second line, "My laugh distant like the ocean waves you hear when you press me to your ear." The line after that is also terrific. I like the way it sounds. The flow of the poem, I suppose. It is the perfect length, and the type of poem that lingers a little after you finish reading it.
I actually do not have any suggestions! The punctuation seems to be good, same with the grammar. The title is great, and everything is spelled correctly. Good job.
Keep writing,
~BD
PS: I love your name
Thank you so so much!! I appreciate it!