z

Young Writers Society


12+ Violence

Chapter 1:A Not So Good Beginning.

by CookofCuteness


Tim woke up to the sound of many different creatures and objects at work. He heard the birds singing, he heard the kettle whistling, and he heard his grandmother arguing with somebody downstairs.

“Oh boy, he thought, what has happened now?”

He made his way downstairs and heard the front door slam. His grandmother was sitting down at the kitchen table, shaking her head slowly. He sat down and asked her what happened.

She looked up and said, “Oh, hello dear. It was just Mr. Porkrind again, boasting about how his pigs will win him the Best Farmer Award.” She scoffed. “If that clown thinks that his pigs can win against my beautiful, well taken care of chickens, he’s got another thing coming! Speaking of which, could you help me with the chores again dear?”

Tim gave a sigh of relief. He was glad that the only conflict in his rural town was who would win the award for the best farmer. He stood up and started the daily chores. Let the chickens out to feed, clean the barn, collect the eggs, feed and groom the chickens, chop firewood, eat, and have some down time. It was the same schedule everyday and Tim liked it that way.

Tonight was different however. Tim was going to go on a date with his girlfriend Sally, the cowherd’s daughter from across the street, so today’s chores went faster than usual. When all the chores and date preparations were finished, the sun was setting and Tim was almost ready.

“So what are you and Sally going to do on your date?” Tim’s grandmother asked.

“I was going to take her to a picnic on top of Lover’s Cliff.” Tim replied. 

“Well in that case, here is the picnic basket. I already prepared some finger sandwiches for you two. They’re your favorites, apple cinnamon, cucumber, and egg salad! I also baked my famous cookies and put them in there too. Oh! And why don’t you bring your boxing gloves and training dummy? You can impress her with your strength if you can’t think of a conversation topic!”

“Grandma, please. I don’t think that last part is necessary.”

“Oh, pishposh. I want her to see how strong you are! Girls love a strong man!”

“Alright Grandma, I’ll bring the boxing gloves and training dummy too.”

Tim and Sally met up on Lover’s Cliff like they planned. They ate their food and had a good laugh with each other. Then Sally looked down at her necklace and pointed to the diamond in the center.

“Do you see this necklace? This was my mother’s parting gift. She told me that there was something special about this necklace, and she wanted me to discover it.” Sally stood up. “Someday, I hope I can figure out this diamond’s special meaning.”

Tim stared at the diamond with the same amount of wonder in Sally’s eyes, then stood up and said, “It’s getting late. We should head back.” 

The two of them were about to do just that when all of a sudden, an earthquake initiated. The two were knocked down on the ground and were staring at the bottom of the cliff below. A portal appeared in that space and a strange black creature flew out of it. He was completely pitch black like a shadow, and his eyes were large and white. He floated upwards and looked down at the astonished couple. His eyes floated to the necklace on Sally’s neck and flashed a menacing smile. Then as if by magic, he pulled the necklace (and Sally) towards him. He grabbed Sally and flew down to the portal. Sally screamed out, “TIIIIIIIIIIIM!” as she plummeted down into the portal. Tim stood up, a little bit dazed and confused. A thousand different thoughts filled his mind as to process the situation. Finally, with determination and courage, he equipped his boxing gloves and dove into the portal after the creature in order to save Sally.


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Fri Jan 05, 2018 1:39 am
PeijiRestoration wrote a review...



Henlo smol bean uwu


As I've told you in person, I love this my dude. But mistakes exist, so here we go:

“Oh boy, he thought, what has happened now?” should not have quotation marks. Leave it in italics though, and leave the commas.

In the line where you talk about Tim's chores, the way you wrote it implies that down time and eating are chores. "Let the chickens out to feed, clean the barn, collect the eggs, feed and groom the chickens, chop firewood, eat, and have some down time."

You could fix this error by saying "Tom started his daily routine" or just listing the chores.

As the others pointed out, you might want to fix the grandmother already knowing about the picnic. You could nix the line entirely, or you could add more details as to how she knows.

Like I said last night, "the earthquake initiated" doesn't really work. If you are going to be adding more professional or "mature" words, then add them throughout your story, don't just use them once!

"The two were knocked down on the ground" might flow better if it said "knocked down to the ground"

" A strange black creature flew out of it. He was completely pitch black like a shadow, and his eyes were large and white" is a bit repetitive. Maybe erase the first "black"

"Tim stood up, a little bit dazed and confused." implies that he was only slightly confused. Maybe make him seem more shocked, as one would if their girlfriend was magically carried off.

"Finally, with determination and courage, he equipped his boxing gloves" seems a bit too video game like. I know this is based off a video game, but still, "equipped" seems a bit silly.

Most of these are just suggestions, but I hope they help.

Keep writing, bro!






Also thanks for putting up with how ridiculous I am in this review. But you know, that's what sisters do!



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Fri Jan 05, 2018 1:38 am



Sorry, something went wrong and my comment submitted twice.




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Sat Dec 30, 2017 7:16 am
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EternalRain wrote a review...



Hey there!

So this was an interesting read, and a nice first chapter. I really like how literal everything is - Mr. Porkrind, Lover's Cliff. It feels very fairytale-esque (which I love!). I think my favorite part was the ending, when Tim brought the boxing gloves with him through the portal. How convenient, am I right? :P

There were a few small things I noticed:

Tim gave a sigh of relief. He was glad that the only conflict in his rural town was who would win the award for the best farmer.


It's a bit confusing why he sighed with relief. What was there to be afraid of? It's nice to get the information in about him living in a rural town, but it feels a bit forced and awkward here, and makes it seem like Tim was expecting something bad to happen this morning.

“Well in that case, here is the picnic basket. I already prepared some finger sandwiches for you two.


Why did the grandmother make sandwiches if she didn't know they were having a picnic? This part confused me a bit.

My other critique would be about Tim. I wish there were more clues to his age - I honestly can't figure it out. I'm not sure if he's a young teen, and older teen, or an adult. Nothing outright said is necessary - you don't have to write "Tim was an eighteen year old blah blah blah" - just some clues that point to his age. Right now, I'm guessing he's an older teen/adult just because of his put together and mature attitude, but I really don't know.

I really liked the direction this is going. I totally wasn't expecting the black creature/portal thing at the end (it was reading very smooth and contemporary) so that was a total twist I really enjoyed.

I think that's it! :) I hope this review helps, and happy review day!!

~EternalRain






Hey! Thanks for the review! I%u2019m sorry that I didn%u2019t reply sooner. As for your question about Tim%u2019s sighing, I put that touch there because I%u2019m one of those people who when they hear arguing, they assume the worst. I forgot that I%u2019m portraying a character with more confidence. The picnic part with his grandmother already getting the picnic ready, I haven%u2019t actually thought about that. There are two theories on how she was prepared though. The first is that she is one of those people who once they learn that their son/grandson has a lover, she prepares all the dates and everything by instinct. The second is she was just preparing dinner and then decided to give it to him for the date when she heard about it. Also, Tim is around 18 to 19.



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Sat Dec 30, 2017 12:53 am
Junel wrote a review...



Hey there! Great title, it really pulled me in and interested.

First nitpicks:

“Well in that case, here is the picnic basket. I already prepared some finger sandwiches for you two. They’re your favorites, apple cinnamon, cucumber, and egg salad! I also baked my famous cookies and put them in there too. Oh! And why don’t you bring your boxing gloves and training dummy? You can impress her with your strength if you can’t think of a conversation topic!”

First off woah this is a long bit of dialogue. I would say that it seems like the character just likes to ramble, but this is a bit much and unwillingly I felt myself just skim over it rather than read. The parts I bolded are something you might consider cutting.
Second, if she just learned he's taking her on a picnic, how'd she have everything prepared, like she knew. Maybe add a comment at the beginning like I thought you'd do that .
Sally screamed out, “TIIIIIIIIIIIM!” as she plummeted down into the portal.

This should be the start of a new paragraph, and try adding the dialogue tag after the words, it'll help the flow.

Last thing, overall you are missing a lot of dialogue tags. That's ok especially because you mostly only have to people in a scene at a time, but it can become confusing so try to not make it a habit.

I really enjoyed this and can't wait to see where it's going to lead. I hope to see more soon, and I hope this review is helpful to you.

Sláinte -Junel






Thank you for your reply! For the picnic preparations, I put all that in there because I wanted to give the reader the contents about the picnic, but you%u2019re right, that is a lot of unecessary text. That is one of my pet peeves on writing actually. I remember reading Charles Dickens%u2019s %u201CA Tale of Two Cities%u201D and I remember skimming unecessary soliloquys and wishing for the point to emerge. For how she knew about the picnic, there are two possibilites that I have thought of. She could either have been making dinner and chose to give it to Tim for the picnic, or she could be on of those embarrassing grandmas who plan everything ahead of time for Tim because she learned about his crush. Sorry for the lack of dialogue tags. I was trying to do that thing authors do when they string a bunch of text together to make it seem more like a conversation between two people only, but I understand the importance of using it in moderation.



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Wed Dec 27, 2017 4:08 pm
CookofCuteness says...



If you’d like me to continue the story, let me know on the comment section as well as reviews and critiques!





Always do what you are afraid to do.
— E. Lockhart, We Were Liars