The calm resonance,
crystalline,
a convenience of sweet,
fallacious dreams,
It stands tall
and detached,
a levee to the pain.
It holds firm
in the face of existence
only to shatter,
to flood the mind
with the icy,
numbing
reality of regret.
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Canary word: Present
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125,012 Literary Works • 672,842 Reviews
Hi there ConorLarkin! Niteowl here to drop some Frozen Fahrvergnugen on you for the Majestic Icicles this fine Review Day!
First off, welcome to YWS! You're clearly very talented if this piece is any indication. Just a couple things.
1) The formatting. I think the short lines work, but the double spacing automatically imposed by the text editor make it look a little too choppy. For future reference, to make single spacings, click the </> button in the edit window, paste the text there then add <br> to the end of every line and in any lines you want blank. It's annoying, but it will hopefully be fixed in a future update.
2) The vocab-dump in the beginning. It feels excessive, especially in contrast with the stark and simple imagery of the end.
Personally, I think the problematic word here is "resonance". Resonance is a quality of a sound or vibration, which is really abstract, yet here it's treated as a concrete object. I think "The calmness resonates" would retain the meaning without sounding quite as confounding (hey, that rhymed.
Also, I don't think the comma after "sweet" is necessary.
I think "for" would be a more fitting preposition. Perhaps a verb would work here, such as "holding the pain" or "blocking the pain".
I think there should be a comma after the second line.
I also think "flooding the mind with the icy reality of regret" would be a bit stronger. "Numbing" doesn't really fit with regret in my opinion. Regret is the opposite of numb--you are more sensitive to all the mistakes of your past.
Overall, this is an excellent piece. Welcome again and keep writing!
Though there's a good use of vocabulary, the structure and story behind it wasn't very clear.
There is no affect of a build up and an ending in the poem.
Could be improved in some parts to make it more understandable.
Good job and keep on writing.
From LLZ
Ahhhh unique piece I really liked it! well done young writer!!(:
Thank you!
Hey Connor! First of all, let me welcome you to YWS! Is the best place for young writers, and I say that without any biase. xD.
A lot of things, technical this Demeter has already mentioned. Watch out for the spelling, and I am not to sure about levi either. However, I disagree with Demeter on your use of short sentences and how you have formatted them. I think they work fine this way, it adds a certain melancholy and detect atmosphere to the poem.
Now on the poem overall, I like that your language was succinct but still managed to create some beautiful imagery within it. Your use of personification and metaphors are very well-placed and written as they complements your content nicely. The poem itself overall, flowed very smoothly and had an almost suspenseful, sad and almost serene voice to it.
The only suggestion I would add is the use of the commas in the last three lines. I think you could omit one of them, play around with it and see what you get!
Overall, I enjoyed this poem and now I shall proceed to check out your other poems.
Thanks for the feedback, glad you enjoyed it!
Hi there Conor! I see it's your first day on YWS - welcome!
You've joined quite a talented bunch! (I can say that because I haven't posted anything in ages 
)
I like the concise nature of this poem. Sometimes (actually most of the time) the best results aren't reached with lots of flowery language, so I like it when a writer is brave enough not to hide the story behind excess imagery.
A few spelling things I'd like to point out: "crystalline" is spelt with two Ls, and with "fallicious" - did you mean the Urban Dictionary definition of "Falsely delicious or an object, which is decieving [sic] in its delicious nature" or perhaps fallacious with an i?
I also wasn't sure what "a levi to the pain" means - I could only think of the character in the Bible, but I don't know it well enough to be able to read that bit properly, if that's even what you meant!
Is it absolutely necessary to have this spread out on so my lines? Sometimes short lines are there to create a certain effect, but when the whole poem is written like that, it may appear a little choppy. I could argue the short lines at the end with the icy and numbing bit, because it seems to fit there a bit better. But if there's not another reason than that it looks nice, it might be worth it to have a play around with the lines and see what sort of different images you can create by switching the line breaks around.
This poem was somehow very calm and cool, and I liked that! I hope you have a great time here in YWS, and do have a look at other people's works too
See you around!
Demeter x
Thanks for the review, and the kind welcome. Should have proofread this one a little more, thanks for pointing out the silly spelling mistakes. Also "levi" was meant to be "levee", as in a flood bank.