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Young Writers Society


16+ Language

Asceros Valiant Online - Chapter 1 (title in progress)

by ConnorSharpie


Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language.

If you had asked any of us what happened on January 1st, 2026, you’d probably hear the same answer from almost everyone. For me, it was the start of a new life. I was sitting in my room, home from college for the holidays, and currently working on some homework. I heard a chime come from the TechSens on my bed, the notification sound that plays whenever an update finishes installing. I glanced at it from my desk and took my earbuds out. Sure enough, the orange light on the black helmet was blinking slowly, telling me there was a notification waiting.

“Guess it’s time,” I said as I glanced at my watch, it’s digital display reading 12:01pm.

I looked back to my desk, my ancient languages text book staring back at me. I sighed and pushed my chair out from the desk, standing up and stretching as I rubbed my eyes.

'I’ve been working for about two hours, I could take a break,’ I convinced myself. I laid down on my bed, lifted the TechSens helmet over my head and closed my eyes. “TechSens, initiate full dive.” The command used to log into the device.

I immediately felt my weight slightly shift, and the temperature change from the slight chill of the house to the perfect temperature I’d set my TechSens home environment to.

I opened my eyes again and found myself back in the familiar setting of my small cabin, the appearance of how I’d set my TechSens’ environment to be. I looked out the windows and saw the mostly frozen lake, the fields of grass covered in a fresh blanket of snow. Every user could set their home environment to be anything they wanted. Most have theirs set to luxurious castles or mansions, or impossible places of fantasy. I liked my simple cabin, though; my home away from home.

I stood up from the virtual bed and swiped my hand horizontally in front of me through the air. The hologram menu appeared where I’d slid my hand, and I saw the update notice appear in front of me.

“WELCOME HOME, ASHER!

IT’S CURRENTLY 1/1/2026, 12:02PM.

YOU HAVE NEW SOFTWARE THAT YOU HAVE INSTALLED, WOULD YOU LIKE TO LAUNCH IT NOW?

The familiar sweet voice of the TechSens assistant, Eleanor, repeated the message as the text hovered in front of me.

“No, inspect software, please,” I commanded and crossed my arms. The window refreshed.

FILE NAME: Asceros Valiant Online (AVO)

DATE DOWNLOADED: 1/1/2026

‘Looks like we’re all good to go,’ I smiled. “Launch software,” I commanded the system again as I closed my eyes and laid back down on the virtual bed.

UNDERSTOOD,” Eleanor replied.

I could feel the world around me freeze, time standing still, if only for an instant. It felt like a small jump in time, like watching a clock in school and seeing the second hand skip a beat. I felt a cool summer breeze in the air, and heard leaves rustling and birds chirping overhead.

I opened my eyes, and the world around me came into focus. I was sitting up against a large oak tree, a dirt path sitting a few feet away in front of me. The surrounding area seemed to be made of several other trees, making this a bit of a wooded zone. I scanned the path, and it curved out of sight about fifty yards away, give or take. A few feet to my left, there was a small pond, barely qualifying as a pond, most might call it a puddle.

I crawled over to the water’s edge, peering over the glasslike surface, my curious green eyes staring back. My hair was brown, short, and unkempt. ‘Looks like we don’t change the way we look from the TechSens settings,’ I noted in my head. I noticed a weight on my back. I looked at my chest, a leather strap riding from my waist, across my chest and over my shoulder. I reached my arm back and my hands gripped the sheathe of a sword. It wasn’t very long, more like a shortsword. At least I was armed.

In the top left hand side of my vision, I could see a green bar, my name “Asher” next to it, indicating it was my status window.

“Hey there, stranger!” A voice called out from behind me. I sat up and turned towards the direction of the voice.

Coming down the dirt path was an older man, sitting atop a wooden wagon pulled by a horse, and it looked like bags of goods were in the back, covered by a blanket. The man was wearing an old green and brown robe, a straw hat sat atop his head of messy, thick gray hair, and he had a matching bushy beard.

“Ya pass out while walkin’ t’Lindum? Or did ya come out here t’take a nap in the woods?” He chuckled as he got closer.

Definitely an NPC,’ I decided. “I’m new here, actually. Can you point me towards town?”

The old man stopped his wagon next to me. “Yer new here?” he asked, raising his brow. “Where did ya come from?”

“I just spawned in,” I answered. “I’m looking for the closest town for some starting quests?”

The man gave me a puzzled look. “Ya just ‘spawned’ in? Lad, ya sure ya didn’t fall out of that tree there and hit yer head?” He laughed.

This guy doesn’t seem to be scripted… He has no idea what I’m talking about, either,’ I thought to myself. I didn’t quite know what to do at this point.

“Um, to be honest, I don’t remember much. All I know is I woke up here on the side of the road.” Guess I’ll just wing it.

“Hm. Seems either the sun got t’ya, or that was the best damned sleep I’ve heard of in my life. …Or the worst, d’pendin’ on how ya look at it,” the old man laughed again before sighing. “All right, I’ll do you one better than point ya t’wards town, and take ya there m’self. Climb on up,” he said, reaching out to pull me up.

I grabbed his hand and pulled with him, taking the seat next to him. “Thanks, by the way. My name’s Asher.”

“Creighton,” he replied, shaking my hand before releasing it. “Let’s be off.” Creighton jerked the reins of the horse, and we began down the dirt trail.

“So, what’s in the back?” I asked, peering behind me.

“Nothin’ worth stealin’, if that’s what yer askin’. I don’t take ya for the thievin’ type anyway,” Creighton chuckled. “It’s mostly just veg’tables from my farm, though. Where ya from, if ya don’t mind me askin’?”

He won’t know what Utah is, guess I’ll just play off the amnesia thing again,’ I thought. “I don’t entirely remember. It was a city up against the mountains.”

“A city in the mount’ns? Ya live with the dwarves?” Creighton asked, a surprised tone in his voice. “Yer little sleep took ya quite a ways from home,” he laughed heartily.

I decided to play it off and just laugh with him. “What’s this town’s name again?” I asked.

“Oh, Lindum. Good people, most of ‘em, a bustlin’ city on the other side of these woods,” the old man explained. “I reckon ya don’t have a clue on what business you’d have there if ya can’t r’member the bloody name of the place,” he chuckled again as he took a flask out and took a drink.

“You’re drunk,” I said, a little surprised.

He gave me an odd look, like he couldn’t believe I’d just said that. “Well of course I’m drunk, not much else t’do on the road, is there?”

I smirked and nodded. “Guess you’re right, there’s not.” I sighed and kicked back on the wooden bench of the wagon. “No, I don’t know what I’ll do in Lindum, but it’ll at least be a start.”

“A start?” Creighton asked.

“At this life,” I replied.

He laughed. “Good luck on that. Ya can only run from yer past so long till it catches up with ya.”

We rode for a minute or two, Creighton whistling what sounded like a folk song you might hear in a tavern. This NPC was different somehow…or at least different from any NPC from any other game I’d played in my life. He had an actual personality, and had responses to what I’d been saying that couldn’t have been scripted.

“Are all people here like you?” I blurted out. “I mean, where I come from, not everyone is so nice,” I tried correcting myself.

“Well, no, not everyone’s like me, but is anyone like anyone?” he glanced at me and smiled. “’Round here, way I see it is we’re all jus’ gettin’ by best we can. If ya live yer life like ya the only one that matters, there’d be no point to it all.”

I nodded and looked solemnly at my feet. I noticed I was wearing some sewn cotton, tan pants and a dark green shirt. My shoes were some roughly worn boots. Peasant clothes, to be expected.

“Aye, there it is. Good ol’ Lindum,” Creighton said, pulling me out of my little distraction.

We were coming around a small bend, and out of the woods, opening up into a large valley of plains surrounded by mountains, small hills giving gradual raises and drops to the land. I followed the road with my eyes, rising and dipping with the hills until my eyes found a stone bridge crossing over a big ravine, like a huge gash in the land. There was a city on the other side of the bridge, built on the edge of a small lake, waterfalls cascading down into the ravine. I couldn’t make out many details about Lindum from this distance, we had to be another two miles away, but that was just a guess. We looked on for a minute, the rumbling of the wooden wagon and the rhythmic sound of the horse walking filling our silence until I decided to break it.

“Hey, Creighton?” I said, not looking away from Lindum in the distance.

“Aye, lad, what’s troublin’ ya?” the farmer said as he took another swig from his flask.

“Where should I go once we get there?”

“Well, ya can’t r’member anything other than yer name and a little of where ya came from. Ya could try lookin’ for work, until ya r’member.” Creighton was quiet for a few seconds. “Ya might be needin’ somethin’ immediate, though, right? Otherwise ya might just end up a beggar in the streets. How good are ya with that sword, lad?” He gave me a sly smile, nodding towards the old sword swung over my back.

I raised my eyebrow. I hadn’t played many virtual reality games with swordplay. “I know how to use one, but I wouldn’t say I’m proficient.”

“Get learnin’,” Creighton chuckled. “Good skill to have. Have t’know how t’use one t’survive.”

“Monsters?” I asked.

He shook his head and made a big motion with his free arm. “We fought for this,” he smiled for a brief second before his expression turned dark. “There was a war, but it was more of an exterm’nation order from the king. Of course, we were all happy t’take part.”

“You killed people?”

Creighton shook his head again. “No, I was just a boy. And they were not human. Far from human. T’was a dark time.”

Creighton looked on at the road ahead, he was glaring, likely remembering everything as he talked. His knuckles were white from gripping the reins on the horse so tightly.

“He was the Demon King, who used dark sorc’ry t’raise an army of undead, demons and other monstros’ties of the night.” I could tell he was clearly in pain retelling this. “Dark things, the kind our moth’rs would tell us t’make us b’have. I don’t r’member gettin’ much sleep back then, too ‘fraid of gettin’ snatched up in the middle of the night.”

He sighed and loosened his grip on the reins, his expression softening. “The Empire defended Asceros, and the high priestesses sealed the Demon King in the darkest tomb in the realm, but by that point we’d lost half the pop’lation. Since then, we been livin’ in peace.” He paused for a moment, then looked at me. “None of this rings a bell?”

“I’ve heard about it,” I lied. All I’d done was read the forums online about speculation of AVO. “I guess none of it has really felt real, though. The way it’s affected you, though…I’m sorry.”

Creighton looked onward towards Lindum again. “What’s done is done. All we’ve done since then is rebuild and tried t’forget. The reason I bring it up, though, is ya could join the College.”

“I’m not about to go sign up for school,” I laughed.

“They ain’t a school, lad. ‘Least not entirely. They train the professions. Alch’mists, blacksmiths, inv’ntors, sorc’rs, anythin’ ya want t’learn, they got someone teachin’ it,” Creighton said. “Might not make the most money, ‘least in the b’ginnin’, but it’d be a good start for ya, teach ya some valuable skills.”

We were approaching the bridge now, the waterfalls plunging into the chasm below creating a rainbow in the vapor. There were a few other carts and caravans waiting on our side of the bridge, all lined up while a few armored guards were checking each cart. Creighton pulled the wagon up behind the one in front of us.

“Cargo check, we’ll be here a moment,” Creighton said.

I looked across the bridge, taking in the sight of Lindum. There was a large white wall surrounding the city, with white towers with sky blue rooftops standing as giants among the smaller buildings behind the wall. I couldn’t see much behind the wall, but it looked like the town had multiple levels. There was an inner wall, again with a few towers scattered along it. At the very center, inside the inner wall, there was a large building, probably the largest in the city. White and blue, like the rest of the walls and towers throughout the city. The center was a large domed building, with several towers and smaller domes splitting off from it.

“That’s the College of Lindum, one of their larger Colleges in the Ascerian cont’nent,” Creighton remarked. “That’s where we’ll be headed.”

“We?” I asked. I had no problem with him coming, I just didn’t want to be a bother.

Creighton laughed. “I got some bus’ness there as well. Might as well take ya there with me.”

I shrugged. “Spawn cities can be a bit of a maze, I’ll admit, so I’m not complaining. I appreciate your help so far, though.”

“There ya go again, that ‘spawn’ word. What is that?” Creighton looked at me and raised his eyebrow curiously.

I sighed. “It must not be a word here. Umm…I guess the easiest way to explain it is a place where you start.”

“Yer an odd one, Ash, I’ll have ya know,” Creighton said as he smiled and seemed to shrug the thought off. “Yer not from around here, and yer def’nitely not from the dwarves.”

I was curious. This guy was an NPC, there’s no way he was another player, but he didn’t act like an NPC. I decided to test the waters. “You’re right, I’m not.”

I could see my response starting to turn the gears in his head. “Syryll? Kucuros?” he asked.

“I’m assuming those are other continents here?” I laughed. “Can’t say I’ve heard of them.”

His eyed narrowed a bit. “Look, kid, I like ya. Ya kept me comp’ny on the road here, but I can’t tell if yer jokin’ here or if yer bein’ serious.”

I laughed again. “I’m being serious! I’m not from here. I hadn’t even heard of Asceros until a few weeks ago.”

“Where ya from, lad,” Creighton asked, his joyful expression disappearing. “I need t’know, or these guards here won’t let us through.”

I smiled. “I’m not from your world.” I don’t know what I expected, honestly, when I said these words. Maybe I expected some script to say “does not compute” or something generic like that. Instead, it was quite the opposite.

Creighton’s eyes widened. “So it’s true then,” is all he said, looking at his feet in the wagon as he stroked his beard.

“You knew?” I asked him.

He shook his head. “No, ya don’t understand, I wouldn’t expect ya to. ‘Least not entirely,” the old man sighed. “Just you? Or are there others?” Creighton appeared be more serious now, his tone was quiet and not full of the cheer he’d had since he found me on the side of the road.

“I think there’s others. Everyone talked about logging in once the servers went live,” I replied.

“I don’t know what yer speakin, lad, but we’ve been expectin’ this for some time. Just didn’t expect it to be anywhere in my lifetime,” Creighton said, his tone still quiet. He wore a weak smile as he continued looking at his feet. “There was one thing I didn’t tell ya ‘bout the old war. I’ll explain it later, but right now, we need t’get ya t’the College.”

“All right, pull forward,” one of the guards yelled out. “Except the last cart, you there, we still need to check you,” he said, motioning to Creighton and me. Creighton looked up and put on the same carefree attitude he had before. Whatever he had on his mind, he hid it well.

We pulled forward and the guard stopped us just before the bridge.

“What’s your name?” he asked, addressing Creighton.

“Crieghton Einsworth, headin’ t’the College,” Creighton replied, his sly smile creeping back on his face.

The guard’s expression immediately showed surprise and gave a small bow of his head towards Creighton. “Understood, welcome back sir.” He raised his head again and gave me a questionable look. “Who’s the boy?

Creighton smiled and clapped me on the back, knocking me from my seat a little. “This be Asher, my new apprentice.”

The guard nodded. “Very well. Welcome to Lindum, the city opens its gates to you,” he said as he stepped aside, letting us pass. Creighton lightly whipped the reins of his horse and our wagon began moving forward again, crossing the long bridge into the city.

“They didn’t even check the wagon,” I said. “Do they know you that well? And why’d you call me your apprentice?”

Creighton gave a small laugh. “Don’t ya worry, lad. Aye, they know me, and I told ‘em yer my apprentice b’cause it grants ya free access t’Lindum.”

I narrowed my eyes. “Who are you? Whatever world, no guards would treat a simple farmer with that respect, and not even question it.”

He again gave me his sly smile. “Yer catchin’ on. Just be patient, and ya have my word all yer questions’ll be answered once we’re at the College.” I decided to not question further, and do as he said.

We passed through the gates on the other side of the bridge, the wall towering over us. The inside of Lindum looked to be split off in districts, just from a single glance. We were entering the market district, rustic styled buildings of stone and wood on either side of the streets. Signs hung from several of the buildings, and there were small carts with merchants at each, their goods varying widely from jewelry, food, even one or two weapon racks with a few swords resting on them. There were people all over, and I could barely hear over the calls from the merchants trying to attract customers and the mix of countless conversations happening all at once.

My eyes followed the stone paved road we were on, leading for another hundred yards until my eyes laid sight on the next wall, and another closed gate leading to what must be the College of Lindum. We rode on for another few minutes, slowly making our way through the crowded streets. It wasn’t long before we made our way to the iron gates, two guards standing on either side

“Halt!” one of the guards commanded as we approached. Creighton again brought the wagon to a stop. “What business do you have with the College today?”

Creighton gave a smile to the guards. “Creighton Einsworth. Need t’speak with Aventis.”

“Creighton Einsworth? The deserter?” The guard quietly asked.

“The one and only. Got somethin’ import’nt for ol’ Aventis,” Creighton said as he leaned to the side and motioned towards the blanket covered back of the wagon.

The guard who’d been speaking approached us. “You think Master Aventis wants anything to do with you? After you-“

“Abandoned me?” A voice answered from behind us. The guards in front of us immediately bowed their heads. I turned around in my seat and saw a shimmering translucent image of a man standing beside the wagon. “Creighton the Deserter. This certainly is a surprise,” he said with a contemptuous voice.

Creighton turned towards the figure. “Is that you, Aventis? Heard yer the Archmage now!” He laughed with his grin still on his face.

“That I am, and you’re a drunken fool,” Aventis’ projection spat.

“Aww, come now, Avi, this is import’nt,” Creighton replied, ignoring Aventis’ disregard for him. “Ya know I wouldn’t be here if it wasn’t.” His smile had disappeared.

Aventis sighed. It was hard seeing the face of the projection, so I couldn’t make out his expression. “What about this boy?” His head turned towards me.

“He’s got t’do with what I’ve got in the back of this wagon. The longer we sit out here talkin’, the more time we’re wastin’,” Creighton said.

’Didn’t he say it was just vegetables?’

Aventis sighed again. “Fine. I’ll hear you out. This had better be good, old man,” he said as his figure dissipated.

The guards rose their heads again and the gates began opening, the iron creaking as Creighton drove the wagon through. The road continued for another fifty yards or so, passing gardens and fountains, until it met with the entrance of the College.

“What are we really doing here?” I asked Creighton, not looking at him. “You’ve lied to me this entire time.”

“Aye, most of it was lies,” he replied quietly.

“Why did they call you Creighton the Deserter? The truth this time.”

He sighed. “I used t’be the Archmage here in Lindum, twelve years ago. They say I abandoned my duties. I don’t take much ‘ffense t’it. I met a girl, and wanted t’settle down in a nice quiet house. No more magic, no more dull meetin’s, just me and my wife on a farm. I chose one life over ‘nother, and I’ve not once regretted it. So I gave up my title, and never looked back.”

I was quiet for a moment, taking his story in. To be fair, I could see why he might have wanted to leave that old life behind. “What about Aventis? He says you abandoned him?”

“Aventis, who bears no fam’ly name, was left here on the doorstep of the College nearly thirty years ago, I’d say. Was only a babe, then,” Crieghton said, smiling, likely reminiscing on the memories. “The other elders wanted t’be rid of ‘im, thought he was a demon, they said. I took ‘im in and raised ‘im as my own.”

“You didn’t take him with you when you left?” I asked.

He shook his head. “The boy had too much potential, and by that point, the College needed ‘im. I didn’t want t’attempt persuadin’ ‘im, in case he d’cided to come with me. I actually hoped he’d someday take my place as Archmage, and that he did.” Crieghton was smiling, and I could’ve sworn I saw his eyes water.

We arrived at the front of the College, and climbed off the wagon. The doors to the College opened and a man dressed in a red and white robe stepped out. He had nicely combed hair, black like midnight, with small highlights of white near his temples.

“All right, what’s this you’ve brought me?” he asked, strolling towards us. He had no emotion on his face other than discontent. His voice was the same as the projection of Aventis, meaning this must be Aventis in the flesh.

“It’s good t’see ya, Avi,” Creighton said, giving that same sly smile I’d seen so many times today already. “You’ve grown up.”

“And you got old. Don’t call me that anymore, I’m not a child.” Aventis’ eyes narrowed at Creighton, then at me. “Who’s this?”

“His name’s Asher,” Creighton told him. “I don’t know much ‘bout him m’self, only met ‘im earlier t’day, on the side of the road.”

Aventis rolled his eyes. “Do you have any common sense left in you?”

Creighton chortled. “Only enough to get by. Either way, he’s claimin’ he’s not from Astraeus.”

Aventis looked towards me again, one eyebrow raised as he scanned me from head to toe. “Looks normal enough to me,” he said.

“I’m really not from here,” I told him. “And this is one long ass first quest, considering I’ve been riding on that wagon for the last hour or so.”

Creighton gave a hardy laugh, Aventis merely blinked a few times. “Excuse me?” he said in disbelief.

“I’m not from here,” I repeated. “I just came to Asceros today, is Astraeus the world’s name?”

“I told ya,” Creighton said, mockingly.

Aventis, wide-eyed, quickly walked to the back of the cart before we could say anything else and threw the blanket covering the back of the wagon, letting it fall to the ground. Underneath was something limp and bloody, wrapped in another blanket. Aventis looked at it for a moment, his hand shaking. Creighton’s cheerful expression fading quickly. It was clearly a body, but it didn’t seem to be something human. Where the head should’ve been, the shape was slightly larger, and the blanket was pushed out slightly, making two sharp tents. Horns?

Any positive emotion in the air quickly dissipated. There were no birds chirping in the nearby trees. Only an ominous wind blew through the leaves. Something was clearly wrong.

“What is that?” I asked hesitantly. I couldn’t take my eyes off it.

“That…” Aventis breathed in hard, his eyes unwavering. “…is a demon.”


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745 Reviews


Points: 1626
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Mon Apr 17, 2017 6:34 pm
Lumi wrote a review...



This will be quick and to the point, and I hope you don't mind that it's a shorter review than what you'll likely get later on. For me, I found three distinct areas of improvement for your chapter. Let's talk about them and see if we can rev em up a few RPM.

Firstly, the opener was incredibly slow to read and did a poor job of engaging the reader's attention. It was very similar to bringing up a memory file from Sword Art Online's pilot episode, but I did appreciate that you managed characterization in this tiny piece (which means pre-cabin.) Once he reaches the virtual cabin, the attention is grabbed and the reader is immersed in the digital world flawlessly, almost with more detail than you give to the virtual game world.

While you have no issues with dialogue and characterization in the main story arc, there is a bit lacking in scenery; however, I understand that it's just a forest--but it's the small things that matter. Butterflies. Bees. The native wildlife, if any, that inhabit the nearby forest. I feel like you got so caught up in characterizing Creighton you forgot to characterize the world.

And finally, the pacing gets a bit wonky in the last quarter when all this new information comes out about Creighton and Aventis, the demon, the college, archmages--everything. I'd suggest finding a way to slow it down organically.

Hope this helps,
Ty




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Sun Apr 16, 2017 5:40 am
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Featherstone wrote a review...



This is great!

The plot is good, your writing style is awesome! Most of the time when I review, I'm kind of forcing myself to read it to get points, but this...this was awesome. I didn't want to stop reading. Nice job!

The only thing I think could change is this:

"I was sitting in my room, I was currently home from college for the holidays, and was working on some homework. I heard a chime come from my TechSens on my bed, the notification sound that plays whenever an update finishes installing. I glanced at it from my desk and took my earbuds out." The first sentence feels weird to me. Too many 'I was's I think. Maybe something like 'I was sitting in my room, home from college for the holidays, and was working on some homework.' The second sentence where it says 'my TechSens on my bed' is a bit repetitive with the my's. Maybe 'the TechSens on my bed.'

Other than that, this was awesome. Nice job!

~ Fea

P.S. Would you mind tagging me as you write more?






Hi Fea!
Not sure what you'd like to be addressed as, but I'll go with that. ;)

Thanks for taking the time to read, and write your review. The insight you provided is seriously appreciated, as reading back over those sentences now, they definitely felt a bit clunky. Your edits have been applied. :)

I'd be happy to tag you in any upcoming updates! I'll be honest, I'm a bit new here, but I'm sure I can figure it out.

Thanks again for your comments and support! Have a great Easter.
Connor



Featherstone says...


So far I've been called Feather, Fea, Feathers, and Sword (don't as me why XD). Seriously, if you need anything or have any questions, I'm happy to help. And it is I who should be thanking you for writing this piece so I have something interesting to review :)

Happy Easter!



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Sun Apr 16, 2017 4:58 am
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Asith wrote a review...



Hey there Connor!
Your 'short description' of virtual reality gaming is what pulled me in, and boy was I impressed.
This was a great read, especially as an avid fan of the virtual reality scene, so well done.

I'm incredibly impressed by your ability to switch from setting to setting seamlessly. I'd almost forgotten about the TechSens helmet by the time Creighton showed up, almost as if I was in virtual reality myself. I think this is an excellent skill to have in any fantasy writing, but especially the kind that you've taken on here.

Honestly, the story was so enthralling that I have very little to criticise on. If anything, I just have a few minor nitpicks:
1)

I stood up from my virtual bed and slid my hand quickly horizontally in front of me through the air.

This sentence seems a little... clunky. I had to reread it to understand what it meant, which you don't want to happen since it takes the reader out of the action. I think it's the double adverb combo 'quickly horizontally' that falls short. Perhaps this suggestion might work better:
I stood up from my virtual bed and swiped my hand horizontally in front of me through the air.

I've replaced the word 'slid' with 'swiped', a verb that already conveys fast motion, allowing me to remove the word 'quickly' altogether.

2)
“WELCOME HOME, ASHER!

IT’S CURRENTLY 1/1/2026, 12:02PM.

YOU HAVE NEW SOFTWARE THAT YOU HAVE INSTALLED, WOULD YOU LIKE TO LAUNCH IT NOW?

>YES

>NO”

My question for this one is: if this software is so advanced and seemingly voice activated, is it really necessary to have the yes/no options? I think that kind of defeats the purpose of voice activated software.


TL;DR
The story flowed smoothly and made me feel as if I was in the virtual reality simulation alongside Asher - essential to any fantasy story. Well done!






Hey Asith!
Thanks for taking the time to read and write out such an in depth review. You've helped clearly outline some things I've been unsure on myself, so I really do appreciate it. :)

I've edited the "quickly horizontally" sentence, and your insight is definitely appreciated there, as well as the second point you brought up.

Seriously, though. Your help is greatly appreciated, and I was honestly surprised that this was received so well, despite the areas that need improving.

Thanks again, and happy Easter!
Connor




How can I be king of the world? Because I am king of rubbish. And rubbish is what the world is made of.
— Kate DiCamillo, The Miraculous Journey of Edward Tulane