We both lay in silence; her, counting her beads, me, contemplating if I should get up and type that half-written piece lying in my notebook.
“Let’s go see if Areeb and Abyan want to go to the roof,” she says suddenly. I look at her and get up immediately.
We climb the stairs to the roof. Areeb climbs in front of me. Abyan is in Ammu’s arms. When we get there I look at the sky, because there isn’t much else to look at. It is then that I realize, I’ve never seen anything like this.
Okay, I have. But I don’t remember it.
I stare in silence. In awe. The west skyline is yellowish. Above it is a dark grey. Above the grey, very slight streaks of blue. That might as well be a trick of my eyes. I’ll never know. But I pay more attention to the grey layer. And I see. The clouds are steadily changing their shapes. I feel the wind on my face. The silver lining between each cloud is more than visible. I gaze, captivated by the beauty of it all.
The breeze ruffles my clothes. Areeb runs around looking for pebbles to use with his slingshot. Abyan cackles in Ammu’s arms. The clouds start to move faster. A gust of wind rocks me. I smell wet dirt in the air.
“We better head back. Its going to rain,” Ammu says.
“But we just got here!” Areeb whines. We head back anyway.
I can’t stop thinking about the clouds, constantly changing and shifting shapes, positions and colors.
I could never pay attention to rain. Not because I didn’t want to. Because I didn’t get the opportunity to.
Now, I do pay attention. Instead of a uniform downpour, it is constantly moving; with the wind. This way and that, now left, now right. I try to focus my eyes, but I can’t follow any single current. It's maddening, but calming and soothing at the same time too.
Just like the clouds.
I stare out the window in my room. I always wanted to notice things. And I did notice a lot of things. This, though, is the first time I noticed rain in this way. This is the first time I've noticed anything in so much detail.
This is a new beginning.
Points:
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Canary word: Present
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125,013 Literary Works • 672,842 Reviews
Hey. This was interesting, and different. However, and I hope you don't think I don't like it by this, but I have a few issues with this story.
First,
" I look at he and get up immediately." I assume that meant her? Also, the sentence,
"When we get there I look t the sky, because there isn’t much else to look at." Was the extra t a mistake, or did a word get deleted? And, this
"Its maddening, but calming and soothing at the same time too" It should be the contraction It's, not its. And, as well, you said 'welt dirt' not wet dirt.
All in all, I guess this is a good story, but there's a lot of things you need to work on to make it better.
Hi there! WillowPaw1 here to review your work!
Well... This was... Interesting. It was different. I have a couple nitpicks for you, though.
I'm guessing the "he" was meant to be "her".
Its needs to be it's, because it will be a contraction for it is.
Okay, so as I mentioned above, I thought this piece of work was rather interesting. It's much different that a chapter or short story (which is why you put it in other, I suppose :.P)
I love the message you sent us, about the rain being different and it was a new beginning.
I also love the names of these people! They are unique and different!
Great job with this!
WillowPaw1~
Hello! My name's Aley and I'll be your, reviewer, today XD.
First thing always first, the sandwich top bun. I really think that you've got an excellent way with words. Your short story[?] really flows nicely together with your sentence structure having some variety, the general length of the paragraphs, and the ease with which this first person narrative comes along.
Of course, that being said there are some things I'd like to point out. You've got a couple typos which you missed.
I believe it's supposed to be to.
and the l is not supposed to be there. [another reviewer got to these before me, so I'll edit in some other things you can fix.]
For me these two need to be connected. "In awe" has no subject aside from an implied I from the last sentence, it doesn't even have it's own verb. What you've qualified as a sentience is basically a prepositional phrase. If you'd like to edit with your grammar in mind, I'd attach it to the sentence ahead of it either with a comma, or perhaps even a semi-colon if you're still intent that this can create it's own sentence.
I tend to discourage writing with "And" at the beginning of sentences because it actually makes them incomplete when they don't have two parts. And is a conjunction meant to connect two sentences together and it's used sort of like a semi-colon. "And is a conjunction meant to connect sentences together; it's used sort of like a semi-colon." You wouldn't start out a sentence with a semi-colon so unless you've moved the sentence from the end of another one, to the start, it probably shouldn't start with the word "And."
Also I think your ending could use some work. Endings need to be something that's memorable, typically it's best to leave on an action because the action is something we can see. Whether that is shutting whatever door locks them inside again, the rain catching up to them and soaking them through to the bone, this ending seems a little preachy and weak.
You can't just lop off the last two paragraphs and be good though. You'll need to rework or add on because this is such a short piece. Your best bet may be to backtrack and narrate through them going inside, or maybe seeing the rain outside as it crawls closer. I'd suggest using them going inside as the ending though.
I would, however, take out your last line. Not only is a bit unclear as to what it is beginning, or why it is new, but also it seems to just be there to be poetical. It's not like they're starting a new life together, they already did that with the children. Is it a new beginning of perspective? If so, then what perspective was the narrator changing from? Also the narrator talks about being observant, so being observant of something new isn't really a new beginning, but a new evolution. so to speak, or a new level, of the same process they've already started.
I suppose the last thing is what to call this. Personally I would call it either a flash fiction, or a short story. The only reason I may consider it flash fiction is because it is so short it could have easily been written in just one sitting. That doesn't mean that it was, or that you cannot go back and edit, but it does mean that people will expect it to be pretty short and sort of flow together like a stream of consciousness piece.
It could be a short story because we've got characters, a plot, and a theme which all revolve around part of what makes a short story work.This would sort of be like a "snippit in the life of..." and regardless of if there's much tension or not, there's still some movement and development. It's not a western style short story, but why would it need to be? There are plenty of places where short stories are like this and that's what I'm most comfortable calling this.
Overall I think you've got a very pretty piece. You have a couple nitpicks to work out with the spelling, and I am sure there will be more later from other reviewers, but it's got a solid foundation. If you work on the ending, it can have a shiny bow too.
If you have any questions about anything, please don't hesitate to call.
Hey there it's me AnimeGirl!! And I'm here to give you a review!
So let's jump/crawl/swim/ or fly in!
So I just wanted to start with how great and wonderful this is. I like the names, story line, everything. But a few things I wanted to say about it.
First there is something I wanted to point out.
"there I look t the sky, because there isn’t much else to look at. It is then that I realize, I’ve never seen anything like this."
The 't' is it ment to be 'to'? Maybe fix that.
Next, there is this.
"The breeze ruffles my clothes. Areeb runs around looking for pebbles to use with his slingshot. Abyan cackles in Ammu’s arms. The clouds start to move faster. A gust of wind rocks me. I smell welt dirt in the air."
It says welt , what is welt there for? Did you mean wet? Just wanted to pick that out.
Last thing I wanted to say about this was that it was great, your grammar, spelling, and detail is amazing and I hope to read more from you. Thank you for posting this work. Bye for now!
Follow you heart and dreams.
~AnimeGirl