Published December 22, 2007
Like I've said before, poetry isn't my forte. I have tried again, though. Critique is appreciated.
- - - - - - - - - - - - -
Glass-like skin melts in the sunlight;
You’ve never accepted its radiance.
You hide in the mid-day shadows of others,
While you curse them for standing in your light.
The pills cause drowsiness,
And you hide beneath the shade of a tent of sheets.
A fort of solitude,
Just as easy to put back together, as it was to tear down.
Desperately alone you dive deep into a reality all your own,
Never breaking to come up for air.
Never paying attention to who you really are,
You’re far too gone, dearest.
Let’s stop playing house;
I can’t play the part of the big bad wolf anymore,
Not when you’re waiting with an axe.
This isn’t a game anymore, it’s just some twisted diversion.
Your eyes aren’t your own,
And neither is your life.
It’s in the hands of your imagination,
A weapon you use against us all.
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139,350 Literary Works • 672,540 Reviews
I liked this! I thought you had some good imagery. However, I didn't like the third stanza. It was the only one that lacked interesting imagery and just seemed really vague.
I also thought you should rework your line breaks on the second stanza. However, I'm not sure how to do it without messing with your wording, so I'll leave that up to you.
My last critique is more general. You had too much fun with the ; and ,. When I see them out of place, my brain wants to look at the punctuation mark instead of the words. Try cutting out any you wouldn't have used in prose.
Overall, good job. The first and fourth stanzas were my favorite because of your images. Keep writing!
Hmm...any particular reason you used "glass-like" instead of simple "glass"? I think using an implied metaphor instead of an implied simlie would start off the poem more smoothly
In my opinion, the last two lines of this stanza are the best in the poem and near-genius. Your phrasing of that concept is exceptional.
It certainly could be your forte if you continue writing
I would use less contractions though, seperating the words makes them stronger.
I have never been the subject of a poem, at least not that I know of.
So because of this fact alone, perhaps I'm biased in my opinions. Actually, I can't really make any real judgement on it because I know far too clearly what it all adds up to meaning.
Thank you, doll. You gave me a side of myself that no one else would have, blunt and clear.
Acoustic-
Well, thanks for liking it, and no, I wasn't on drugs. Still not. I just might as well be with the way my mind works sometimes, haha.
I didn't take offense, by the way. I laughed.
Max-
Thank you very much. This was actually inspired by a friend, and I wrote it specifically about them.
x 0 x 0 x
Manda Michell
Wow, this was good. I loved it. So discriptive and true. My gosh I feel this way alot. I loved how you let it out on paper. I love this poem. Wish there was more to it
hope this helps keep writing!
As always
-Max
Like that line...
One question though, are you somehow on drugs? (Don't take it offensively.)